Monday, May 10, 2010

11:07 computer room

Tired is the root of the darkness. Fatigue and drain of mind, body and or spirit. I need to rest and recharge and reconnect. Every day. When I feel the energy of my core begin to shake and move away from the center, dissipate along my nerves and arteries and shake my foundations. If i ignore the warning signs, I then isolate and withdraw, from everything- myself, others, a greater connecting force. And I eat.
Tonight was a full binge. Realization in the middle and continuation with the goal of oblivion, numbness. Started around 4:00 when I was tired. Thought about not going to drum class. RED LIGHT. Positive actions as this point could have been a rest or a walk. Decided to not go and instead ate a good snack, did some errands then came home. Rested for a bit with the parents, then decided to have dinner, even though I wasn't hungry and was still tired. RED LIGHT. mum called to me to eat up in her room with her and I refrained to read the news while i ate. RED LIGHT. continued to eat, after a pause. Ignored lucas. had paltry conversation with guy.
Pause. Breath. Rest/Recharge. Reconnect. Eat meals with self/people, not glowing screens or leafy pages.
Frustrated with emotions. Stalled progress. But each day is a lesson, is a blessing, is a gift. Tonight I re-realized my need for present awareness. Of thoughts, of fears, of actions. Body image coming back into play. Whirlpool of emotions with new man. Been absent from the steps and the fellowship. Make a connection, everyday. Relax, let go, easy does it. Please guide me Spirit of the universe, let me let me move my feet. I am willing. I am grateful for your love. I am grateful to be alive.

Monday, May 3, 2010

11:33 computer room

The old cravings, chocolate and sugar, are still as strong as ever when the obsession gets at its worst. Needing that spike of pleasure before the numbness before the pain. Its still amazing to me how much I can eat at one sitting as well. Compared to normal meal times where I have to split the meals because I get full before the plate is finished. I am going to write what I ate tonight because otherwise I dont think I realize how serious this addiction still is. Coleslaw, meatbeancheesechili, toast, chicken stew, peas...multiples bread (4+), blueberry muffin, nuts, multiple cereal, apple, gummy vitamins. Concern for others is growing but is pushing against an unforgiving wall of self-centeredness and selfish fear.
I think I need to begin again at the beginning, with step 1. A new love interest has shaken me up for the past few weeks, and for that time I was using his attention as a substitute for the mental obsession and physical craving. An exact substitute. I had uneasy misgivings about my actions towards him, and I think those misgivings were well founded now that I realize how much he was a replacement. Also a sadness because I feel a connection and interest in him that I can't explain otherwise, besides a natural infatuation and fondness. Which makes it more sorrowful that it comes to this- the first two nights I have disagreeable relations with him, I binge.
Life is changing, and I need to change with it.