a day full of goodness. driving through the frosted sunshine to work, felt the goodness in me, in the air, for the day.
last night a giggle filled and binge avoided evening with the boy. not much sleep but it was worth it.
not much work at work today but it was still fulfilling. talking with co-workers at lunch, two walks in the cool, bright late fall afternoon, meeting a new volunteer, exploring travel opportunities and music festivals. home to Dad! Very happy for him to be here, a genuine contentment. Bit of a anxiety and overeating after dinner (homemade chicken soup! happy and impressed with myself), but it pulled around, and we played Racko (game) and I lost the urge of need for more snacks. Grateful for his love, for the love I feel for his simple, hearty manner.
Would reflect a bit now, feel that space, feel that its right for it. Will read a little, then think I will retire soon to bed. To sleep, if it will come. TOmorrow is another day. Today was full of goodness. I have had this day. Grateful for real companionship. For genuine affection. Grateful for dreams. Grateful for grounding in the present moment. For those moments of 'right here, right now', 'this is it', this is life. I am living my life. Those moments where afterwards, you realize you were 'being' not just 'existing'. Grateful for recovery.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
12:00am living room
a bit to the side of the first spot.
been sitting here a while, fiddling with email and various things available for research at my fingertips through the internet. a.k.a time passers. no, not porn. well, unless you consider snow to be sexual. which, actually...a good ski day can be much better than sex.
ahem.
Commitment was the topic of today’s daily reader, and I tried to embody that feeling as I drove to work late (slept two hours over my alarm). I gave blood, I felt quesy, I dropped the presentation I had to tonight in Sarah’s lap. I felt guilty, I came home and went straight to the food. Hard, a hard hit straight to my emotions, battering them out of the way. Until I stopped, and they came rushing back in a fury. And I cried as I talked to my mum over the phone. I cried and nodded and listened and tried to gather my thoughts.
little pieces of the ice block…melt it bit by bit; if I screw up, I can try another way
glass half full
congratulate about all the little tiny things along the way
get the crap out. Now the good stuff.
Im okay. Im worthy. I can do whatever I put effort into.
Im so scared, about the uncertainty of the future.
It’s a disease. You have to give it medicine. And celebrate the small changes, the small betters.
Dealing with fear, a little bit at a time
Facing time, facing the growth of patience
Gratitude
I can be wrong. I can make mistatkes. I am not perfect.
Have to turn everything we think, upside down. Opposite of the stinking thinking. The ‘good’ way.
I will never be able to explain everything about my feelings.
It takes a long time to get there,
Yes and
I don’t have to prove my pain
Its okay to do things for ME
I can learn anything.
Then I called friends and talked and shared with them. And even later, under a hot stream of water, came the acknowledgement again, that we need fellows, other human,: to encourage, to congratulate, to console EACH OTHER, this is what we do, what we must accept for ourselves as well. Talking to the empty house, to myself, out loud: It’s happened, it was crappy, it was shitty but I can let it go and move on. That doesn’t have to ruin my tomorrow or even the rest of my night. Its happened, its done, and now I can move on to positive thinking. To ‘good’ thinking. I am worthy. I can learn anything. I can do anything I set my mind to. I have a strong mind. I have a strong body. I have a strong spirit. I can listen. I can learn. I can learn how to relax. After work, I will practice relaxing. Sounds contrary, to actively relax ;) I will lie down, I will listen to soft music, I will listen to my heart, to my breathing. I will let go of tension, I will let go of thoughts. I will read literature. I will have a cup of tea. This will be from 20 minutes to an hour. To make sure I am not hungry, I will make sure to eat something, even a little, before I leave work. So when I get home, I can go to my room, and rest and relax and release. And then decide how to go about the rest of the evening. This, I will do tomorrow. Meditation, reading, tea. Not necessarily in that order. But all three. Rest, relax, release. And connect to a Higher Power, my Inner Self, a guiding, spiritual force. “When we are unable to stay connected with our inner selves, we create anxiety and distress.” Finding Balance.
Please God, help me find strength and courage to let go of food tomorrow and hold onto self-awareness.
Attitude makes all the difference. My glass is half full. I am wholly grateful for the space in the morning to dance.
been sitting here a while, fiddling with email and various things available for research at my fingertips through the internet. a.k.a time passers. no, not porn. well, unless you consider snow to be sexual. which, actually...a good ski day can be much better than sex.
ahem.
Commitment was the topic of today’s daily reader, and I tried to embody that feeling as I drove to work late (slept two hours over my alarm). I gave blood, I felt quesy, I dropped the presentation I had to tonight in Sarah’s lap. I felt guilty, I came home and went straight to the food. Hard, a hard hit straight to my emotions, battering them out of the way. Until I stopped, and they came rushing back in a fury. And I cried as I talked to my mum over the phone. I cried and nodded and listened and tried to gather my thoughts.
little pieces of the ice block…melt it bit by bit; if I screw up, I can try another way
glass half full
congratulate about all the little tiny things along the way
get the crap out. Now the good stuff.
Im okay. Im worthy. I can do whatever I put effort into.
Im so scared, about the uncertainty of the future.
It’s a disease. You have to give it medicine. And celebrate the small changes, the small betters.
Dealing with fear, a little bit at a time
Facing time, facing the growth of patience
Gratitude
I can be wrong. I can make mistatkes. I am not perfect.
Have to turn everything we think, upside down. Opposite of the stinking thinking. The ‘good’ way.
I will never be able to explain everything about my feelings.
It takes a long time to get there,
Yes and
I don’t have to prove my pain
Its okay to do things for ME
I can learn anything.
Then I called friends and talked and shared with them. And even later, under a hot stream of water, came the acknowledgement again, that we need fellows, other human,: to encourage, to congratulate, to console EACH OTHER, this is what we do, what we must accept for ourselves as well. Talking to the empty house, to myself, out loud: It’s happened, it was crappy, it was shitty but I can let it go and move on. That doesn’t have to ruin my tomorrow or even the rest of my night. Its happened, its done, and now I can move on to positive thinking. To ‘good’ thinking. I am worthy. I can learn anything. I can do anything I set my mind to. I have a strong mind. I have a strong body. I have a strong spirit. I can listen. I can learn. I can learn how to relax. After work, I will practice relaxing. Sounds contrary, to actively relax ;) I will lie down, I will listen to soft music, I will listen to my heart, to my breathing. I will let go of tension, I will let go of thoughts. I will read literature. I will have a cup of tea. This will be from 20 minutes to an hour. To make sure I am not hungry, I will make sure to eat something, even a little, before I leave work. So when I get home, I can go to my room, and rest and relax and release. And then decide how to go about the rest of the evening. This, I will do tomorrow. Meditation, reading, tea. Not necessarily in that order. But all three. Rest, relax, release. And connect to a Higher Power, my Inner Self, a guiding, spiritual force. “When we are unable to stay connected with our inner selves, we create anxiety and distress.” Finding Balance.
Please God, help me find strength and courage to let go of food tomorrow and hold onto self-awareness.
Attitude makes all the difference. My glass is half full. I am wholly grateful for the space in the morning to dance.
Monday, November 9, 2009
11:41 living room
Back in the spot of the first entry. Finished tightening the lids on my lunch and dinner tomorrow and rinsing the pots and measuring cups. A different lifestyle to be sure. A different mindset. Three months? Still the same. Subtle differences can make all the difference, though.
A empathetic desire to reach out to my fellows. To hear their thoughts and woes, to share my ideas and challenges. Talked to my p.in.r and had a coherent stream of words flow from my mouth, about a higher power being, if nothing else, a method to let go of the ego, to get outside one's selfish brain. To reach for something beyond one's self, to rely on that something, to put trust and faith in that something. Whatever that something may be. For me, there are higher energetic forces around us, and I can feel them if I listen, with my body and soul, and let go of my mind. Love is a powerful, powerful force. Just as air, fire, earth and water. (insert some joke about captin planet...). A night of indulgence with the boy last evening. A gourmet cooked meal, including all the fat and salt, a bottle of wine for each color, and sex on the living room floor, in front of glowing embers, smoldering in the fireplace. The CD he burned for me played through and we lay at the end, naked, stroking. I wanted no words, just the unfocused focus of a hypnotic zone-out. But he was chatty and playful. We brushed our teeth and went to bed. Warm, beautiful, his arm wrapped around my middle, his head on my shoulder as I read a bit. His soft breathing. Lights out and switch heads on shoulders. A tossed and churned sleep, but I dreamt so I must have spent a decent amount of the night actually asleep. This morning at the chiropractor he mentioned that my right neck was espcially tight and i must have slept on it funny. Well, slept on an arm, yes ;) Funny how we put ourselves in uncomfortable positions for the sake of snuggling. When all we really want to do is move away and get some space! But the enticing warmth, the press of bodies, the scent of skin; its irresistable. Mostly.
Moments today, of awareness, of serenity. Reading the passage from my daily reader, feeling a calm settle over me, a blanket of relaxation, if only just for a moment. Walking from Starbucks with Sarah, back to work, the unexpected afternoon sun shinning through the golden leaves, shaking and dancing in the cool wind.
Now; grateful for this day.
"I'm here to carry my own load. I'm responsible for finding my own answers and making my own decisions. I have the program to help me to do that. If I use it in my life today, I'll learn a lot about being responsible to myself. It's a good way to start growing up!"
Grateful for space. Grateful for instant communication. Grateful for holding back from that instant ability. For many reasons. To hold back. To hold on, strrengthen a feeling, make it more honored by its preciousness. The clock ticks. I have things I want to do still. But I will go to bed, and rest.
A empathetic desire to reach out to my fellows. To hear their thoughts and woes, to share my ideas and challenges. Talked to my p.in.r and had a coherent stream of words flow from my mouth, about a higher power being, if nothing else, a method to let go of the ego, to get outside one's selfish brain. To reach for something beyond one's self, to rely on that something, to put trust and faith in that something. Whatever that something may be. For me, there are higher energetic forces around us, and I can feel them if I listen, with my body and soul, and let go of my mind. Love is a powerful, powerful force. Just as air, fire, earth and water. (insert some joke about captin planet...). A night of indulgence with the boy last evening. A gourmet cooked meal, including all the fat and salt, a bottle of wine for each color, and sex on the living room floor, in front of glowing embers, smoldering in the fireplace. The CD he burned for me played through and we lay at the end, naked, stroking. I wanted no words, just the unfocused focus of a hypnotic zone-out. But he was chatty and playful. We brushed our teeth and went to bed. Warm, beautiful, his arm wrapped around my middle, his head on my shoulder as I read a bit. His soft breathing. Lights out and switch heads on shoulders. A tossed and churned sleep, but I dreamt so I must have spent a decent amount of the night actually asleep. This morning at the chiropractor he mentioned that my right neck was espcially tight and i must have slept on it funny. Well, slept on an arm, yes ;) Funny how we put ourselves in uncomfortable positions for the sake of snuggling. When all we really want to do is move away and get some space! But the enticing warmth, the press of bodies, the scent of skin; its irresistable. Mostly.
Moments today, of awareness, of serenity. Reading the passage from my daily reader, feeling a calm settle over me, a blanket of relaxation, if only just for a moment. Walking from Starbucks with Sarah, back to work, the unexpected afternoon sun shinning through the golden leaves, shaking and dancing in the cool wind.
Now; grateful for this day.
"I'm here to carry my own load. I'm responsible for finding my own answers and making my own decisions. I have the program to help me to do that. If I use it in my life today, I'll learn a lot about being responsible to myself. It's a good way to start growing up!"
Grateful for space. Grateful for instant communication. Grateful for holding back from that instant ability. For many reasons. To hold back. To hold on, strrengthen a feeling, make it more honored by its preciousness. The clock ticks. I have things I want to do still. But I will go to bed, and rest.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
12:40 computer room
rooms in the house chilly, because all the doors are shut. The family is away for a week, and i am charged with fall cleaning. which means pets out of as many rooms as possible. having bathroom issues with the cats, who are disdaining to use their litter boxes. and the dog tracks in about a gallon of muddy water from each trek out into the rain.
cleaning spree after i got home from babysitting tonight, in the zone. a few instances of temptation for food, but managed to sweep by them. In charge of the house tonight, its my territory. So i don't feel the urge to stuff food down my throat in order to shove anxiety away, or to compensate for a lack of control.
ate junk food and junk dinner at babysitting, but eventually stopped and brushed my teeth. The issue now is how bad a binge is, not whether i binge or not. But progress, not perfection. Also, I can now claim a 'partner in recovery' with a girl who is similar to me with perfection and control issues. Im sure we all have them, but i feel really comfortable talking to her, especially about slip ups and mistakes.
I am grateful for this day. Early drive to the airport before sunrise, then back through the rain to bed. Raskal was visibly depressed with the empty house, but i left for a few hours anyway to go downtown to hang with the boy. relaxed, entertaining. back for pudding, then on to babysitting.
grateful for this night. of productivity. and now sleep. thankful for this week, to breath, to reach inside. to dive for the inner light, with an absense of chaos around me. to gain strength in order to swim through the chaos when it returns, and keep a stillness, a peace, a serenity inside.
cleaning spree after i got home from babysitting tonight, in the zone. a few instances of temptation for food, but managed to sweep by them. In charge of the house tonight, its my territory. So i don't feel the urge to stuff food down my throat in order to shove anxiety away, or to compensate for a lack of control.
ate junk food and junk dinner at babysitting, but eventually stopped and brushed my teeth. The issue now is how bad a binge is, not whether i binge or not. But progress, not perfection. Also, I can now claim a 'partner in recovery' with a girl who is similar to me with perfection and control issues. Im sure we all have them, but i feel really comfortable talking to her, especially about slip ups and mistakes.
I am grateful for this day. Early drive to the airport before sunrise, then back through the rain to bed. Raskal was visibly depressed with the empty house, but i left for a few hours anyway to go downtown to hang with the boy. relaxed, entertaining. back for pudding, then on to babysitting.
grateful for this night. of productivity. and now sleep. thankful for this week, to breath, to reach inside. to dive for the inner light, with an absense of chaos around me. to gain strength in order to swim through the chaos when it returns, and keep a stillness, a peace, a serenity inside.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
11:33 pm Kitchen
2 more nights abroad and now I have returned home and returned to the binge. A night at a boy's, a night at a girl's. A full day of work, a bit of stress at the end, and a welcomed overeating after dinner. But sneaked, and scared. It really is control. This is one of the main issues. I don't feel like I have any control over myself at home, because I feel like Im answerable to the household, but especially mum. I feel like every action, every move needs to be a certain way. And this is a defect. Reliance on my mother. Something i need to understand, let go of, and move past. Step 4, here I come.
I need to be accountable for my actions. Take ownership of them. Feel answerable to myself, and not guilty when I do what I want to do. Let go of feeling like i need to perform for other people, like they expect me to perform in a certain way. Who are they to tell me who i am? What feels right for me? I don't want to ignore other opinions, i would like to welcome them. But I need to learn how to listen and then sort; to distinguish sound advice from self-criticism imposed into the words or look from another person. I want to be understanding of myself, confident with my ideas and actions, so that if someone finds them disagreeable, I dont have to disagree with that person, I just let them think what they want to think. And not obsess over their thoughts, or obsess that they are thinking about me.
I think this next week will be good. A week in the 'home' space, but alone, under my terms. Yes, this is controlling, but I think getting a feel for living in this space without bingeing will set a habit for when the family returns from their soujourn in Arizona. Day by day. Prayers of gratitude in the morning, prayers of gratitude in the night. Need to figure out a middle break. So its not so straight through and i dont feel crazy by the time i get home. A step back from everything, after work, before home. Its too bad it gets dark so early, otherwise I would enjoy walks. have to make do, stretch the imagination. Maybe just stretch the body too. Ah, stretching...mind, body and soul. Reflection in the morning. Reflection in the evening. Flow out the day, prepare for tomorrow.
Grateful for lotion. For stepping back. For pulling together. For holding myself to myself. For love of others. For connection with others, that has to grow gradually, bit by bit, a piece at a time.
I need to be accountable for my actions. Take ownership of them. Feel answerable to myself, and not guilty when I do what I want to do. Let go of feeling like i need to perform for other people, like they expect me to perform in a certain way. Who are they to tell me who i am? What feels right for me? I don't want to ignore other opinions, i would like to welcome them. But I need to learn how to listen and then sort; to distinguish sound advice from self-criticism imposed into the words or look from another person. I want to be understanding of myself, confident with my ideas and actions, so that if someone finds them disagreeable, I dont have to disagree with that person, I just let them think what they want to think. And not obsess over their thoughts, or obsess that they are thinking about me.
I think this next week will be good. A week in the 'home' space, but alone, under my terms. Yes, this is controlling, but I think getting a feel for living in this space without bingeing will set a habit for when the family returns from their soujourn in Arizona. Day by day. Prayers of gratitude in the morning, prayers of gratitude in the night. Need to figure out a middle break. So its not so straight through and i dont feel crazy by the time i get home. A step back from everything, after work, before home. Its too bad it gets dark so early, otherwise I would enjoy walks. have to make do, stretch the imagination. Maybe just stretch the body too. Ah, stretching...mind, body and soul. Reflection in the morning. Reflection in the evening. Flow out the day, prepare for tomorrow.
Grateful for lotion. For stepping back. For pulling together. For holding myself to myself. For love of others. For connection with others, that has to grow gradually, bit by bit, a piece at a time.
Monday, November 2, 2009
10:45 friend's bedroom
i think sometimes to get in, we have to check out. i am staying at my friend's tonight, ignoring food and opting for human contact. s'funny though, if i stayed here a couple more nights, i would inevitably be drug back to the craving. so i have to shift and shake and tomorrow will be another bedroom. thankful for supportive friends, even if they don't understand how much they are supporting me. a good day, busy and productive. a presentation tomorrow, that for some reason im a bit hesitant to give. think i just have a bit of performance anxiety cause a co-worker is coming along to shadow me. let go of the ego, and focus on service, on giving :) on how great i feel sharing information with other people that will make them safer. looking through old photos now, funny how life passes you by, but you really dont let it go. i think thats one thing i need to investigate in the next step; letting go of the ego's hold on obsessing over my past self- mistakes, what ifs. just thinking about me me me.
laugh it out laugh it out. what anxieties can i let go of today and give to my higher power? worry about anything but this moment.
laugh it out laugh it out. what anxieties can i let go of today and give to my higher power? worry about anything but this moment.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
11:39 dining room
Circumstances—what are circumstances? I make circumstances.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Like the woman with the big glasses says, when you work the program, it works for you. When you put in the dedication, God dedicates to you.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
- Chinese Proverb
I think i AM beginning to change. I want people, i want stimulation. I enjoy it. But while that grows, so does the disease's desire. Both are increasing and leaving me squished between them. I want life, I wish to give service. I want to create my purpose without feeling shackled. But as that brightness increases so does the anxiety of the illness. I need to move, I need to shake, I am dedicating.
Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.
- Anne Frank
I am grateful for friends who accept me as who i am right now. who support me for who I want to be. who open their arms to me when im in need. Im going to spend the next three nights away from home, i need abstinence, i need three days freedom from bingeing, even if it means running away. I don't think I can move into the next step until i have some space and clarity for my mind to breath and my soul to brighten.
A busy and stressful friday turned into a binge night. A busy and enjoyable saturday -halloween adventures at a zombie party and then a costume rave- turned into a wonderful sunday morning but then a sunday afternoon, evening and night binge. I hold onto reflection every night- writing and planning tomorrow's meals. One of my pillars I am errecting to hold up...who knows? a roof? hanging gardens open to the sky? a multistory house? It might seem insignificant, but its important that i do it, build the pillars that will support my future.
A refreshingly cool november first, warmed by a bright sun. The night world illuminated by a glowing full moon. Sleep now, rest. And tomorrow is another day, tomorrow I will live just for the day. Service, love, recovery.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Like the woman with the big glasses says, when you work the program, it works for you. When you put in the dedication, God dedicates to you.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
- Chinese Proverb
I think i AM beginning to change. I want people, i want stimulation. I enjoy it. But while that grows, so does the disease's desire. Both are increasing and leaving me squished between them. I want life, I wish to give service. I want to create my purpose without feeling shackled. But as that brightness increases so does the anxiety of the illness. I need to move, I need to shake, I am dedicating.
Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.
- Anne Frank
I am grateful for friends who accept me as who i am right now. who support me for who I want to be. who open their arms to me when im in need. Im going to spend the next three nights away from home, i need abstinence, i need three days freedom from bingeing, even if it means running away. I don't think I can move into the next step until i have some space and clarity for my mind to breath and my soul to brighten.
A busy and stressful friday turned into a binge night. A busy and enjoyable saturday -halloween adventures at a zombie party and then a costume rave- turned into a wonderful sunday morning but then a sunday afternoon, evening and night binge. I hold onto reflection every night- writing and planning tomorrow's meals. One of my pillars I am errecting to hold up...who knows? a roof? hanging gardens open to the sky? a multistory house? It might seem insignificant, but its important that i do it, build the pillars that will support my future.
A refreshingly cool november first, warmed by a bright sun. The night world illuminated by a glowing full moon. Sleep now, rest. And tomorrow is another day, tomorrow I will live just for the day. Service, love, recovery.
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