11:24 basement

24...
grateful to god, the universe, the angels...whatever guiding spirit and power of love that helped me get in the shower, the relaxing hot rush of water that rushed my tension down and away from me, that allowed me to avoid the kitchen, that helped me feel my feelings, what needed to be felt.
thank you. will write more tomorrow.

10:20 computer room

going to bed now, after this.
rain falling, hair astrew (astray?), body tensed, mind jumbled- a chaotic cloud mass.
the clouds were spectacular tonight, took a dangerous snap while driving in traffic on the floating bridge. a huge grey mass surging over bellevue, the sun glinting off the tower through the breaks on the other side.
raskal chomping food. rain dripping down in rivulets.
adventure. i want adventure. challenge. i want challenge. something other than what i have.
last night was very bad, a desperate binge, a sobbing respite. but also a touch from god. a calmness, and then a soft comforting blessing on my folded hands, pressed against my forehead. a blessing. a realization, for willingness, i need to embrace love, i need to embrace and love myself. to forgive. so i did. i cried but i said out loud, over and over, 'i accept myself just as i am, i love myself just as i am, just for today.' it hurt, but it felt really good too.
and today, i was bursting with love. woke at 6, a bit early, and the harsh reality of the night before set in, but i fell asleep again, and the next waking wasnt so bad. and the love grew throughout the day. i wanted to connect with everyone, to reach out, to touch, to hear, to talk to. im starting to feel it slowly slip away, just in this moment, just a notch. i think it might have been two things. god. but also a need to get away from myself. to get out of myself. which maybe is god as well.
binged tonight again. very low about the middle, thinking i was going to quit HOW, quit my sponsor. but then the universe pushed. E called, though i didnt answer, just stared at the phone vibrating in my hand. then S sent a text. then 8:30 rolled around and i knew i had to drop the last few bites of my food back in the container and make the call. felt a bit forced, a bit floating, but i talked and tried to explain how i was feeling, for her, and for myself.
little by little. i do feel a change. but i would like to be able to come home at night and lead a normal, a sane evening. i don't see this happening soon. but i hope for it, i pray for it, i am willing for it. i would like to try a switch in routine, to try to shake up the habit side of it. to exercise in the morning, and then go to bed by 10. i know i still need meetings, and talking, and literature and service. but i also think i need to break the structure of the binge, of the feeling of impending doom throughout the day. tonight i want sleep. and tomorrow i might get home to late. but there is always the next day. and the next. and the next.
but i am here. just for today. today. just for tonight. tonight.
sleep.

(written 10:25 last night, bedroom)

(bad internet connection)

"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Nelson Mandela
Feeling frusterated is okay, but feeling resentful against having a problem, a flaw, isn't going to help me get through my frustration, or get me anywhere for that matter. To truly embrace a higher power, the guiding force of the Universe, the spirit of Love, i think i have to embrace the disease, the problem. Only by loving it can I begin heal from it. And even if that healing is a lifelong journey, then the more love i will cultivate and grow in my life...(felt like that bit of understanding there came from somewhere else...)
Im a bit sick with a cold, stuffy nose, hard forehead, clammy head. the heater is on. i need to get a grip, i want to get a grip. a magazine beside me. a CD burning. a weekend in stupor. then manic. music, exercise. a beautiful day and evening, early fall sunshine, hope it lasts. trying to plan out the week only increases the clammy feeling in my fead, stress. but want the strcuture, know it will help, as much as i am refusing to accept, rebelling,
against this new life i have to live. but this doesnt have to be forever. it might come to be that if...no. what happens happens. i will live structured and abstinent under the HOW prgoram for 30 days. Happy Feet the movie last night in the hotel room with aubrey and her friends. loved it. was actually very focused and intrigued. havnt felt that way about anything for a long time. then the dancin tonight, zealous bursting dance and joy to 'I gotta feeling' by BEP. after watching a video made by university kids in montreal. they did a video to it in one take. just made me happy for some rason. maybe the connection of it, the organization, all those people working together,
even if it was for a music video about partying ;) sometimes it the silly things that get us most willing to get involved. why is it important for me to focus on my recovery, why should i put myself first...im struggling with this. trying to figure out the right way to do things. but i have to just do and let them come, pray and let god. let god guide me. me first. sounds very 3 or 6 year old. nieve and stubborn and grabby. but its true. i need to put myself first. as much as i dont want to, its what has to happen. living just for today. this is another hard concept, but one that makes sense when i feel the focus, the clarity, the prescence of myself. live just for today, for yourself, for others. help them, help yourself. love yourself, love the universe.
"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew." Saint Francis de Sales

"Today i will ask for the willingness to move to the rythm of my recovery." Daily reader.
dance. movement. i think im being given a...sign. embrace dance, it is a love, a passion. it is really hard to
imagine my life without food, letting go of my obsession with it, because it is such an integral part of life. i feel like life will be dull and grey without it. but maybe i have to move through that dull grayness before i can emerge on the other side of the rainbow. i have to go through the cloud to get over the rainbow and back into the sun. a real sun. god wants me to live a good life, says claire. she says to talk to myself like i would a really good friend. so i would tell her; im sorry you feel the way you do. its too bad you have this problem. but keep pushing. keep talking. keep praying. keep reading. the universe is full of love, and you can tap into that if you let yourself.
act as if you are willing. act as if you are willing. do what you know needs to be done. and let the rest come to you. what you dont know. which i know is a lot, but thats okay. in a way, its a good thing. you can learn and make yourself all over again. think of this as being whitewashed. you may feel vulnerable and pale for a while. but then think of all the colors and textures you and god can find. grateful for space heaters. grateful for dreams. grateful for the creativity of human kind. grateful for the inspiration of the entire animal kingdom. and plants, those are pretty amazing too ;)

11:23 hotel room

A fighting day. Surronded by food, snacks and vending machines. A spiritual moment walking to the ice machine, with the intent of getting some more pretzles and chocolate. The hallway straightened, and the sconces and myself were reflected in the dark windows at the end. I felt like i was walking towards another me, in a parallel universe. Walked into the room, filled the bucket, turned to the humming box of depression- then turned away. Walked out of the door, and glanced back at my reflection as i turned back to the room...and felt like i was now the 'other' self, the one who i had sadly contemplated only moments before. the hemmed in girl was now on the other side, i was the released one. i walked back taller.
i feel the need for spiritual help. the need to be completely filled with spiritual...wholeness. i dont want to distract. i want to actually read and learn and absorb. i want to get through this. i want to cultivate honesty. the willingness is stronger.
i will continue to ask and act as if. i need help. i want help. slowly but surely. i am changing. it might be for the worse before it gets better. most likely.
i am torn between isolating and going out for nothing. i want to be able to sit in spiritual solidarity with myself. without needing distraction. without desiring food.
at peace. with myself. with the world. that is the day i will be happy. dare i hope...
grateful for...a new day, the gift of another day.

12:37am living room

A long friday, many faceted, full of many parts. Training all day, poorly attended to on my part, i realized i was acting quite immaturely during it. Sketching and stretching out and leaving multiple times for the bathroom. Quick emails after then we all left for happy hour, me scrambling after everyone else, who booked it ahead of me. Frusterated and stressed in traffic, not myself talking to ruthie and katie on the phone, trying to get to the place. Let myself drive and eventually was guided to it, with some directions from a ticket cop. A nice sit with the co-workers, but typical of me to not eat or drink anything besides waters. though i really would not have felt comfortable consuming food or alcohol. though i seriously contemplated the latter, in the beginning. left in time for the meeting, another meandering drive through the city to get there, but eventually, safetly and soundly, arrived. a very good meeting, the first share burst my resentment bubble, and the others dried most of the water, but i still left with some residew, so even though i had good intentions and feelings when i got home, to eat dinner then go to bed, i ate dinner then finished watching a movie with the fam in the living room, feeling the desire rise, but not really feeling like i wanted to stop it. a false cheery afirmative to mum's sleepy query 'are you good for tonight?' then a slip into the kitchen for the first round. anxious with luke sitting beside me as i munched the first bagel, then down when he left, realizing i didnt want to eat, but knew i was going to continue. then he came back, and the feeling lifted and i was back to anxious munching, which turned into frustration with him being there. eventually, halfway through some grapes, felt so sick, that i had to stop, brush my teeth and do a short exercise. all carbs and sugar tonight. comfort.
i want to go to the morning meeting tomorrow, but i also want my body to have sleep. i think i will stay later in bed tomorrow, but if i wake by 9, i will go.
late, it is tomorrow, i will write more soon.
grateful for a body that can move and sweat. grateful for meetings.

11:13 living room

remembering the first night i started this blog. was sitting a cushion over on this couch. but the memory is emotionally very clear. the light behind me. the feeling of the night.
tired now. je suis fatigue. and stuffed up, but not too much of a bother, unless it keeps me from falling asleep.
up early and a short talk with mum before she left for work, about being grateful for not having it worse off. one way to look at it. public meeting briefing on H1N1, interesting and informative but long. Slow afternoon in the office, to the soundtrack of various stations on Pandora. Left with Katie, picked up her mum from her office and drove to their house where my bumblebee was waiting. 20 bucks for gas and home. To dinner surprisingly. The family was eating, so I substiuted a protein and sat with them. Felt prickly after, and energetic, so I did a long exercise DVD. Felt incredibly bursting with strength during it, was wonderful. Quick rinse, random internet, call from Anecia. Good talk about being honest with yourself. Fringe, prep for tomorrow (which takes quite a while), now writing, then bed.

One of the 'slip' questions Anecia had me think about was the serenity prayer and what it means to me. the serenity prayer is humility and gratitude. it does connect me to a higher power, a greater power when i use it. but when the desire, the rebellion, the disease is wanting so strongly, the idea of it doesnt even come into my head.
why did i make the choices i did, for the past two nights? was there a conscious thought process? was it unconscious? ...the first night was much more conscious. the second night I was aware of my decisions, but less thought came into the equation.
i am resentful that i have this disease for my entire life. but i feel much more accepting, less controling of it, tonight.
to the part of me that is angry...like the quotes i have on my computer screensaver show me, anger will never lead to light. it feels good when i can let it out, but as soon as i shout or show irrational frustration or impatience, i regret it. it is a very brief and fleeting pleasure to get angry at someone. there is less guilt incurred when you are angry at me, as if i deserve it, but i am a child of the universe, and will thrive on love. all through the ages, Ghandi said, love has persevered, has won. please, anger, lets not make this a fight. i already have enough to deal with. please, let go of yourself, as i must to God. let us let go together and see what kind of boat can be built, and where it will take us. angry me, as long as the anger remains, i will be on an island in the middle of the sea.

I have to remind myself that the 12 steps are a journey, and the journey is an adventure, andpart of the adventure is a process of figuring out behaviors around food, emotions and coming to understand what works., through trial and error.

Read an article about quotes on failure...
"What looks like a loss may be the very event which is subsequently responsible for helping to produce the major achievement of your life."
Srully D. Blotnick
maybe letting this go, as much as i am hesitant about anticipating the complete change it will make of my life, will be what shapes the rest of my life, positively and in good light.
lots of the quotes reminded me of love too. learning, and not losing enthusiasm along the way. think the latter is much harder. to not get jaded, to not expect the world in your partner, to assume it will end, to not hope for it to last forever. once one love goes that you thought you couldnt live without, then how is the next going to be any different? maybe thats the faith. the faith that there is someone, or someones, out there, who are the difference, who will make the difference in your life, if you choose to seek them, to be open to letting the universe let you find each other.

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."
Robert Kennedy
so if my life turns out to be a bland fog, i guess that could be considered a failure. but it could also be a bright and fantastic landscape, with mountains and meadows, a brilliant seascape, a peaceful glade...what colors, what textures will my life painting have...

"There is no failure except in no longer trying."
Elbert Hubbar
I would also say, hiding from your intuition and the universe, being dishonest with yourself.

"Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have."
Louis E. Boone
I will.

11:26 dining room

i feel unhappy and frusterated when im not eating, i feel sad and frusterated when i am.
"Plant yourself in the middle of what you love most--the thing within you that is most alive." -- Yael Lachman
whatever is most alive is buried.
im doing this because im supposed to. ive said this before. to live a brighter life, a fuller life, a more connected life. i feel that desire in the pain. but when the pain isnt there i feel no push. i feel nothing. or i choose to feel nothing. i get anxious at the empty time. the empty space ahead of me. the decisions, of what to do with it. this is a very big decision, to put all my being into faith, into the universe, and pray for love to save me.
lying on the wood slats of the deck, staring up at the stars in the dark blue sky...ive done this before too, havnt i? stared at them anyway. feel lost among them. unsure. then suddenly disconnected. wait a minute...time, patience...let time pass. a shooting star, a grinning face. smile through two slow tears. im wary of normalcy. of not being special. all my life growing up i was told im special. now im faced with reality. that to be truly special you have to make yourself special. we are all miracles of creation, but thats not a promise of what we will become. we are. we can become. can i? can i make it? this is it, the buried root hidden under the rotton soil of an eating disorder. i am uncertain of myself and how i will live my life. i am uncertain about life itself. it just seems so strange to me. i feel more comfortable in stories and tales and imagination. there is a life i dream of living that can never be mine. i watched dave today eat a pastry with coffee and though, hm, maybe someday i can do that. and then a wall appeared between him and me, and i realized no, i never will be able to. to live the life of a normal eater. which unfortunately is what i want with all my heart. because food brings me the most pleasure and joy. which is the sadest thing to admit, to hear someone say. that eating food is why they live, and they are lost without it. am i so callous? is there something missing in me so deep? i love my family dearly, but yet i put food ahead of them. it is a sickness, a terrible sickness. but it is a sickness hiding a sickness i believe. i dont just want it to go away, i want to understand it, to push through it. its proving very difficult. unsure. uncertain. a bit of lift to my vision just this second, clarity. ive craved magic all my life. why am i repelling it now? open yourself paradie, to the magic of the universe, the magic of the stars. i dont like living with my guard down, but in this spiritual path that is exactly what i need to do. let go of preconceptions, of anger, of 'coolness'. I fear so much that Aubrey has the disease too. Her obsession with food. It doesnt seem like she eats very much, but whatever she eats is a pleasure to her. a comfort. i feel like there are two contrary natures to this house. on the one hand it is so comforting and eveloping. on the other it is stressful and muffling. i am nurtured and supported, i am coddled and reined. but i cant live without it right now. unless i wanted to live very isolated, more than i am now, and poorly. i can always run away, but the problems will be there waiting for me when i return. i need to assert my independence, though assert might not be the right word, it has always been there waiting for me. i need to take action and maturity of my own will. i am grateful to mum and jerry to house me and provide food. I think i need to graciously accept the former and conciously avoid the latter. i am sick of food. sick of thinking about it. eating it. i just want to be free of it. but i have to work through it. work through the disease, with the help of a higher power and faith and love. act as if. how does one truly go about doing this? i think getting involved helps. i want meetings now. though last night i lept from one to the bosom of my family. a bonfire, a toast to fall. pray. pray pray pray. for guidance. for faith. for love. God. please help me get through this. please help me understand; whatever it is i need to understand. i need to find a new approach to life. (how long it will take to find this approach is what scares me. the disease is one of immediecy, of instant gratification. and patience takes patience to cultivate. hampster in a ball). food has reined my life. i come to believe the reins will always be attached. i am a compulsive eater, i have the disease of compulsive eating. the reins will always be there to tighen and turn me around. i have acknowledged this truth. and from this understanding i am given the freedom to change and to learn. but i am scared. i believe it in my heart.

11:39 dining room

past bed time. tight squishy throat. thirsty.
sounds redundant but i cant not thank the higher power for anything i feel it does in my life.
grateful tonight for its intervention in stopping a binge. ate an apple on top of my food plan and was heading for the nuts when mum walked through the door. at first, felt frusterated and dark, down. but after brushing my teeth and going upstairs it was like a weight was lifted off my chest and i was beaming at mum and the force that put her through the door at that moment.
awake now, but hopefully fall asleep fast in bed. swam after work at Seward Park, and almost had a panic attack in the weed infested waters. Thankfully my co-worker talked me down, but it irritated me that i was so irritated by the weeds. I think he explained it well, that I was breathing hard from swimming, and so not being able to catch my breath properly only exacerbated the problem. work vocab ;) worried about feeling for him. dont want to feel for anybody right now. think it, the emotions, would be skewed every which way. had my first presentation today, only a small part at the end after my co-leader, but felt good. want to really know the information so i feel totally confident and ready to answer all questions.
Feel normal. besides the throat. which isn't a bad thing, i think. i suppose. i will accept.
grateful for aubrey's young excitement. for delight in simple things. grateful for jerry and his firebuilding skills. grateful for the bonfire tonight and the fall wishes with bristol cream tossed to make small poofs of magic, for the connect with each other and our neighbor. grateful for the moment mum walked in the door. grateful for realizing my higher power is there for me. wants me. to get through this.
love.

10:57 computer room

Want to be in bed in a few minutes with the light out, but definetly need to jot a few things down tonight.
Abstinent. 1st day of the H.O.W. program. Honesty, "cant remember", Willingness. will track down that middle word ;)
a little tense, pretty awake, but tired. a great meeting tonight, felt totally encompassingly comfortable and in the place of the universe where i should be.
i feel like my brain is not working very well right now.
maybe a bit stunned.
my sponsor is very put together, has her eggs collected, and i am very grateful to her.
Old white hair mentioned tonight having a gratitude list, to say every night. I think i will start doing that, instead of re-reading the daily prayer. that just winds up my mind again, sometimes.
i mention a grateful nod usually here, but i think i need to make it more tradition-al.
so.
right now, i am humbled. i am grateful for humility, it is what got me through tonight. i ran from the kitchen to my bed after my last bite of dinner, curled myself into a ball, like a very young child, hair falling over my face and into my mouth, as i repeated the serenity prayer over and over. until i felt calm, felt the strength of a higher power with me. and then slowly got up and got my pjs on, brushed my teeth in a painful daze. and prepared for tomorrow.
i am grateful for honesty. honesty of the shares tonight. of other people putting themselves out there, giving me the courage to lay open my soul for them.
i am grateful for my little sister, and her love.
i am grateful for my little brother, that i can give him food that i dont want to go to waste, and he will gladly eat it, and i dont have to feel guilty, because he needs it. thin, still growing and a runner. all the best to him ;)
i am grateful for a dry comfortable bed, that will warm up with the strength of my body heat, once i tuck myself in between the cold sheet and comforter.
where is off i go now.
brain still muddled.

10:06 dining room

a very angry, rebellious binge tonight, in denial of how i have to change. starting a very structured, agressive plan in the OA program, and think the disease came roaring out tonight in opposition. but also that darkness, swirling around in the gaping hole. thats the other part of it. it doesnt want to be ousted. and im afraid to oust it.
i figure its like this. kind of like that song where theres the bird in the nest, and the nest on the branch, and the branch on the tree, etc etc...
there is a hole. in the hole is the darkness. protecting the darkness is the disease. so in order to fill the hole with goodness, i have to take away the disease, face the darkness, face the emptiness after the darkness, and then fill the hole.
a very daunting task. a very scary task. feeling like saying fuck it to everything right now. myself, work, life. the same dark thoughts swirling around in my head. its not worth it. nothing is worth it. not even why. past why. its not worth it to know why. because there is no reason good enough for why. its just...all...pointless. rationally i know this is really not good thinking. but emotionally, its what is consoling me. as contrary as that sounds. but if there is no point to anything, there is no point in caring. and if there is no caring, there is no pain.
so now what.
pray for strength, for courage, to jump before i aim.
grateful for electricity.

1:37pm bedroom

Shivers. Though tomorrow morning there will be heat, and sweat, and discomfort.
Driving home at night, through the rain, listening to soft rock, a beautiful moment. park in front of the garage, the naked bulb glaring through the drops on my windsheild. praying, reading. but fell prey to the seduction, oh so tempting, so deceiving.
but it has started. i can feel it. I felt it through the fight tonight, against the pull of a seemingly escapable tide. it has begun. the struggle to be free of the struggle. to embrace letting go.
relax, take it easy, let go.
last night was a horrendous self infliction of self mutilation. today was mild, but a great connection with ruthie, walking around greenlake, and with amber and sarah, eating dinner at B&O, and with friends, chatting late at Katie's house.
So close, so close. I feel tomorrow will be even harder, and I am afraid. But I have a meeting to go to, and Anecia to talk to and discuss with, if she will have me. Im afraid of a disicpline, but at the same time jerking my chin up that I should have one. Maybe both feelings are right. Whose to every say what is right. For anybody else.
I can learn what is 'right' for me. By letting go of this. Letting go of controling my eating. Controling my failure. Putting my future and my success into fruition, letting both actually happen.
Universe, i think of the night sky; Love, i feel warmth; God, what i use to call both; grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Love myself to better myself. Love and serve others to find myself. I feel so selfish. Frusterated. Angry. but determined. please, God, help me find courage and strength. Help me find love to nurture my recovery.
Grateful for meaningful, honest conversation. Grateful for sleep, rejuvination. Grateful for Love.

10:08 living room

I love the look of 10:00 on a digital clock. just so rounded and full of plenty.
Bit sick today, bro had the flu for a week, so think ive caught a touch of it. sound english maybe because ive been watching BBC productions for the past 48 hours. could prob go to work tomorrow but am going to stay home. Laid in bed until 11 this morning, then took a walk in the woods. magical, the light streaming through the branches, the leaves lit up to glowing, the trees so thick as to feel like you are in another place, another universe. dark thick trunks from another time. rich soft pungent loam. emerged and sat on the driveway watching the clouds for a while. another miracle. swirling and morphing to the sun's conducting rays, poofing and retreating when the direct light hits.
short exercise and long stretch, finish Wives and Daughters. Small plucks on the guitar. Thumb through and tear out dreams from travel magazines. Aubrey home, then mum. Sleep on the couch for a few hours in the late afternoon sunshine. Rouse at 6:30, check email and eat some dinner, start another movie, overeat in the computer room but stop at 8:30, not feeling well enough to eat, thank God. Also thankful for Aneica's text. Started another movie and caught the second half of the season two premier of fringe. A very indulging day, overall. One very much enjoyed :) Feel awake, but also like i need rest, to sleep.
I wrote a letter to myself last night, and the words seemed to come as if from another place, another source, free flowing and with gravity. I think it could apply to all, if one so wished it:

Dear You,
You are a wonderful being, a child of creation, a piece of the universe. You and the stars are made of the same stuff, your veins of your body and the rivers of the earth course and turn in the same manner, circles of energy. You are worth the life you have been givien. Your spirit is a sparkling fire and shines with the rest of all life in the realm of the soul. You are fragile and humble and proud and you relish in the miracle of life. You will turn old and die. You will change state, you will metamorphisize, but you will still be. You have always been and you will always be part of creation. You are not alone. You are a part of something greater than yourself, and that is a comfort to you. You have a lot to do, a lot to accomplish in your living lifetime. In this living lifetime. So go. Go live.
God.

Love, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This is whats inside, this is what i feel i am, hidden underneath the layers, under the sickness, under the darkness...
I am balanced between the swimmers. I am fit, slim, active, friendly. I am my own best friend, I am self aware and self knowing. I am a loving daughter, sister, aunt, friend. I am a dreamer, a ponderer, an observer, a problem solver. I am a lover. I am a walker, a traveler, a conversationalist, a reader, a writer. I create, I am organized, tidy, relaxed. I am helpful. I am truthful.

11:30 bedroom

The stars are beautiful tonight. And the spiders have begun their migration inside. Late summer and its savoury moments. The evening is chill but still warm enough to walk outside barefoot and stare at the diamonds twinkling in the dark blue sky.
Not very original images but they fit what i feel.
An article on feeling beautiful. Love, physical exertion, writing:
...the "...solitary engagement with language. Writing requires us to take the world on more slowly, to notice its harshness as well as its richness. Wtiting reduces the chaos in my mind. As the gospel song says, it orders my steps and makes me feel in control of myself and therefore appreciative of the world." Asha Bandele. I think that desription is beautiful...
Children, serenity, an unashamed embrace of self. The rest of the magazine was uninteresting and out of my scope but those pieces were great.
Recovery takes practice, says the reader today. I feel it, coming slow ly. A sponser, a miracle. Through recovery we must delve into ourselves and develop a new conciousness, exploring true values, discovering true feelings, unadulterated and unhampered by disease or darkness.
I will talk and listen to Higher Power, to Love. To myself. My body, my spirit. Be guided by the fellowship of OA.
Grateful for Jerry tonight, who came in to talk to me, ask me how I was doing, and stopped me finishing a binge. And grateful that I wanted to listen.

1:13am

a choice made, several times, to eat, to continue eating. but it will not always be so. delve into the mind, unclog the drains, shine the sun into the foggy dreamscapes.
stop eating compulsively and grow up and face life. have faith in love and that there is a purpose to my life. that there is meaning to life. that one of those meanings is love, and with love, the darkness will recede.
stop binging. Meetings for perspective and reality, Sponsorship for guidance and support, Reading for understanding and clarity, Telephone for love, Meditation for serenity. try paradie, just try. to let go, to surrender your control over my fears and emotions. give God a chance, to show you what life can hold, its beauty, its thrills. give God a chance.
physical discomfort, tired sadness. tomorrow will be another hard morning and a hard day to stay awake. Higher Power, thank you for your forgiveness and hope, please help me find courage and strength for tomorrow. one day at a time.
i dont want to binge. i dont want to be afraid of my emotions. i dont want to be angry and wary of the future. i pray for motivation, hope, love and serenity. and for love for someone else in the world tonight who is full of pain. please relieve them. grateful for sleep.

12:34am bedroom

past bedtime but i know writing will do me good, ease my mind and heart.
where we have come from...even though i still feel enmeshed in turmoil and boiling in chaos, i have to take a step back from everything, outside myself and see where i have come from, even if i dont understand where i am now. though i feel like there are two (or more) forces inside me, i feel more connected to myself. though i am still overeating and compulsive with food, i no longer starve myself for entire days. i skip breakfast sometimes, but try to eat normal during the rest of the day. i now feel exercise as a pleasure, as a release, rather than a punishment, a purge of calories, bad behavior and pent up emotions. though at times i feel more alone than ever, i am connecting more with others, being more socially involved. i still am concerned with my appearance, but im starting to really care about the totality of my being.
though i still am afraid of the future, afraid of facing what i dont know, afraid of accepting i dont know who i am, what i want...i understand that it will come to pass that i will be able to embrace my fears as mountains for growth. that by digging through them or climbing over them, i will become stronger and clearer into...what? the person i can be. though i am still angry and sad and frusterated and afraid; i want recovery.
i can make it through the 'apprehension, unrest, and unease', with hope and faith in Love. I can forgive, and be forgiven. I can be both light and dark, I can live.
Grateful for words and language.

1:29 bedroom

late night, but pleasant :) bonfire was entertaining, and sleepover is commencing. everyone so wonderful and engaging, food good, overate but slowly and piecemeal. very tired, and grateful for a good night. have to talk to ber, sarah and katie tomorrow, not sure what happened with that. in and out of conciousness tonight, but mostly flat screen in order to organize and accomplish. listening to half of the group chatter sleepily in the other room. love. but i need some private love. and OA. still, grateful.

11:20 bedroom

i want to be punished. "Forgiving other people helps me deal with my resentments" says one of my daily readers. Including my resentments against myself? Self-hate got me through one day, but coming home from work today, thinking about the bonfire party im having tomorrow night and all that needed to be done, I was a mess. An almost cry in the kitchen, then a chaotic hodge podge of motions, reading and eating through the evening. Finally back to consciousness after a 20 min turbojam.
Was very conscious today, very aware of exactly how i felt and trying to determine what my next movement should be. Held down the weight in my head, held back the love. Which I think was to my detriment tonight, especially when mum, with a huge lit up smile on her face, asked me to play cards, and i painfully backed out, not because I didn't want to, but because i was eating (off my food plan and a binge food to boot), and i didnt want her to find out, and i didnt want to stop. finally did stop around 9 when amber called, distressed, which made all the difference. if it had been a perky gossip call i would have stayed in my hole and cut the conversation short. but her agnst jostled me out of my foggy denial, and i thanked her for it after we had talked a bit.
"We are expected only to handle reality, moment by moment", another daily prayer book. "And when we stay with the reality of the moment, we have immediate support. Our Higher Power gives us the strength and courage we need for the present time. We can let go of our future pain, accepting only what hurts right now." easier said than done. but thats really the key, acting as if, until the belief is shown to us, when we are fully opened and ready. (i suppose)
was downing the sleepover and bonfire for a while, too much work, wanted my space. but i will have fun. and i think right now i need just a little space for myself. enough for a quite meditation and self reflection. but otherwise, it would be good for all parts of me to be engaged with others. much to learn from them, from interacting with them, from observing myself interact with them.
tomorrow could be stressful. but during the day, during training, i can let go of thoughts of the evening, and focus on the present moment. then during the evening, i can let go of control and let everyone work together for what feels best. then during the night, i can make everyone and myself comfy and relax and sleep :) i wish i hadnt lost connection with myself and God, and even the hate, tonight, but that is past now. tomorrow is tomorrow is one day.
a quiet hour before midnight, everyone in bed, the laundry tossing and knocking in the dryer. my hair damp, my eyes getting heavy, my body a bit itchy from shaving and lotion. water, bathroom, sleep. grateful for hope and love and forgiveness. always love and hope and forgiveness.

9:57 bedroom

hm, this is a first, writing from my bed.
and a first day in three weeks of freedom from food at night. last night was a tramatic emotional and mental heave that send shivers through my mind all through today and the memory was still strong enough to let me ignore eating after dinner. i think it was also the strong social connections i had today, despite my terrible battle this morning, getting out of bed and into my car. the depression of the night still lingered as did the hangover from the carb and sugar binge. but as always, and always ever grateful, the office and people picked me up a bit. though i fought going too far, as into fog and numb mechanical motions. worked with a team through the afternoon then went to the gym with reid. soaked and flushed, but felt great :) gas and dinner with aubrey and jerry. tea. bed. but just listened to a storm between aubrey and lucas overhead in the computer room and made my chest tight. i really dont like serious altercations and i realize im afraid of getting hit. which is bizarre because ive never been hit in my entire life. ive hit in anger, but its never been reciprocated.
heavy mental state tonight but its appreciated. realize how deep my self-hate runs, and how deep the darkness still lingers, im starting to think depression. tried to call a workplace free counseling today, but the woman with the sweet voice said that our companys policy with them had expired in '08. will talk to the human resources manager on tuesday to see if there is another option. i liked talking to the counselor at UBC, i would like to start that again, to figure some of these fears and emotions and the darkness and the isolation out. i will defiently continue OA, i know now I need OA, i wish i could have logged on to an online meeting tonight, but my computer doesnt have java. though i could have asked for mum's laptop. I now need meetings and the 12 steps (and a sponser, oh higher power, please guide me to a sponser) like a grass seed needs water and sunlight. and eventually i will grow into a tall green blade. i cant make a blade of grass grow. but the universal force can, god can. and i will be his and her blade of grass.
grateful for tonight. for feeling tired. for conversation at dinner. for workout partners. for indoor plumbing. love.

9:56 computer room

rotten, i feel rotten to the core. like im rotten, something is rotting inside me. that darkness, palpitating, always there, was always there. 5 years ago, the winter approached and i fell into that darkness. i think its happening again. i hate myself. but i love the child of creation that i am, Gods love. i love that entity. i cherish it. but i hate its host. my mind. and what that mind has done to the body and the spirit. my soul is being swallowed by the darkness. i am so alone, im not even with myself anymore. crying, sobbing, on my carpet, i felt detached from my very being. there is no one i can turn to. only god. and love. an image, a blackness behind closed eyes, the fear of it overpowering, the fear of what was in it overpowering, because i could feel it, whatever it is that makes me wrong, swirling, lurking. and then. thoughts of aubrey, ennio, steve, mum, dad, jerry, luke...LOVE. and that force, a clear energy, beat back the other invisible force, a arrow shaft down a long tunnel. and i followed that arrow to an explosion, a nebula.
i dont know what that is. but LOVE. that i can understand. that is what will fight this dark.
which doesnt care. which doesnt want to care. which doesnt understand. which misses the point.
im missing the point. the darkness is there, at the back of my mind. coiling. rumbling like a potent thunderstorm. i feel it. i feel its seduction. and i cant simply say no, i need more than that. i need God. I need LOVE. i need some sort of understanding. or a release from the need for understanding.
fake, i feel its all so fake. im so fake when im around everybody. not always. but mostly. i really dont want to go to work tomorrow. face the smiles. my weakness. my failure. my hatred of myself. but because i am a child of the universe, i cant let go. but i feel like i am dying while im still living. and not understanding why is the worst part. i should be happy. i have everything. but i also have this darkness. will medication take it away? therapy? i have to try, for my families sake. because right now, i just dont feel like i am worth my time.
though i am writing this. thats ironic. maybe thats the love in me, battling back, trying to shine through.
i just want to work through this. i cant do it working around the normal day, because i get lost in mechanical functioning.
im terrified to go to work tomorrow.
im terrified of myself.
god, i give myself to you, as much as i have left.

11:58 living room

Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together. - Vesta M. Kelly

The OA is really, truly a miracle. Tonights meeting was felt for, fit an,d freed me. Thank you.
The gift of life is really, truly a miracle. Thank you.
The gift of peace I was shown this evening was really, truly a miracle.
The push for abstience, a tangible blood racing, eyes wide as I brushed my teeth after dinner. Thank you.
The chance for life. The promise of hope. The whisper of a future...of a future.
I will take action. I will pray for willingness. I will act as if I am willing. I will turn the key in the door and open it and bask in the light and step through.
Thank you.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

2:03 computer room

a wonderful day at bumbershoot with best friend and bro. and then, a very large binge.
please higher power, release me from my indifference. help me embrace you. i need to let go and let god. but im having a really hard time letting go. please, help me find the courage to 'act as if' i have let go. and the courage to continue to act as if, until i feel as if i truly have given my will and care over to you.
thank you.

1:14am living room

i think another reason i had to go through this spell of bingeing is also because i needed to realize i dont totally want to stop over eating. likemy step-dad has always said, if i really want it to go away, i can make it. if i fully surrender to my higher power and the 12 steps i could make abstience a reality. but in reality, im still holding onto bingeing like a child to their old blankie. i still want it, holes and dirt and all. so how do i let go? how do i move past, grow up, and learn to manage my emotions and life? food is such a blocking spar for me, keeps me at arms reach from everything, including myself. i need a sponser, to help me through step 3, to help me let go. i need meetings, for the fellowship, for the shared weakness and strength and courage and hope. i need to reach out. i need to let go of my fear of the future and life and let my higher power guide me. faith, please help me nuture faith in the force, the universal spirit that loves and guides. faith in the progression of my days, faith in tomorrow. faith in sleep.

11:29 living room

feel like its time for bed. nice to feel something, a nudge, a prod, a intutitive suggestion.
but feel i should write a little.
last night was a sobbing admission, discussion with mum and step-dad about my compulsive eating. cried through most of it, but broke down sobbing at one point i was so overcome with shame, when i tried to tell them what i had ate that night, i was so afraid to show how much i eat and therefore take advantage of their hospitality. but their words, thoughts, wisdom and love calmed me down and i went to bed exhausted but pacified.
a wonderful meeting this morning, the 10'oclock at a church in seattle, such a big group, such an amazing fellowship of people, all with such courageous stories of strength, weakness and hope. the leader led by speaking and her story was incredible to listen to, the obstacles she had broken down with her higher power. and the peace she had risen to. she appeared a bit spacey and wacky, like us all, but hers was a very honest, no qualms about who she was type of nuttiness. that drew me to her last meeting, and i was hoping to ask her to be my sponsor this time, but she wasnt available. i did talk to her though and she told me to just 'interview' as many potential sponsors as possible until one feels right. and that its never a contract thing, if it doesnt click, you just both politely bow out.
met up with mum after, wandered around Fred Meyer. Driving to meet her, i had a moment of clarity, where i realized that at night, i just have to let go of my fear. that is giving up control, giving up my fear to my higher power to do with that energy what may. it felt so wonderful feeling that, and i repeated it to myself various times in the store, and was immediately relieved of any tension or stress. back home and then right back out shopping again, this time with the younger bro and sis for school clothes. dragged out at the end, because my brother has great difficulty making decisions. back home, and argued with them both in the kitchen about money and other menial details, until i was so stressed i had to go lay down in my bed. which was wonderful. dozed and daydreamed, mostly about men, including an old boyfriend, which was interesting, until mum called for me and i felt ready to get up. ate dinner with her and then grabbed half an apple and my book and a cup of tea and started reading. a little later she invited me to watch a movie with her which extremely annoyed me to the point of anger, for no real apparent reason. that is a defect i need to understand, the response i have to mum. caved, because i knew it was childish to resist, and laid down on the couch. watched a bit with her, then left for the computer room to read some more. some food. then stop! cup of tea and brush my teeth just after 9! felt very good. but the peace didnt last. ended up eating quite a bit more, hidden and unobtrusivley. to the point of fullness, and felt like a finish, brushed teeth again and decided to exercise. during which, i felt so grateful to be able to exercise, i felt the release, the boost from movement. i am so grateful to have a body that can jump, twirl, punch, kick and shake.
very tired. music festival for two days after this. and homework for work. but right now- sleep.
god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

10:47 computer room

very grateful. tired but content, a small sense of peace. as i attempt to whack a mosquito with an empty water bottle.
slow but sure, progress not perfection. i need to be gentle with myself, because i think that is the best path right now. the best course of action, praying consciously and regularly and acting as if.
things worked out today. the boxing gym was amazing. wasn't entirely present, the adrenaline was pumping through my body pretty hard, so i was surface level focused, but it was still great. just need money so i can keep going back ;)
binged tonight, but it was more overeating. though i was on edge listening for mum to come home, wanting to finish my bag of popcorn before she came in the door.
slowly.
i feel so good when im active. it changes my whole perception. and when im involved in the 12 steps and OA meetings and opening up to and embracing the Higher Power
my Higher Power is great, is mighty. is loving, is gentle.
my Higher Power is with me, my Higher Power loves me, my Higher Power is guiding me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Let go.

10:14

this is the middle stage. i had to go through last week's terrifying drop to get to this point- the middle level.
the purgatory between wanting/working recovery and angry/sad desperately seeking help. ij ust dont care right now. i can still fit into my sweatpants and skirts. and i dont really give a fuck about gaining weight. its a point between the grey. the very middle, where the black and the white shades are totally equal.
its a no-mans land. a place of no emotions. i feel a bit of wonder at coming to understand this. coming to see how i am still controlling. running back and forth and then balancing on the see-saw rather than jumping off. im still holding on, trying to control, i still think i can do this by myself. thats what the disease is telling me in this point. trying to push me farther into the dark. but the strong paradie, the part who has seen the light at the end of the tunnel, who has created a link and felt her higher power through OA, she is keeping it balanced.
im retreating from the battle. letting the torch go out. dropping my shovel and walking back into the dark.
'come back, come back!' they say. but right now, i feel rather apathetic.
i need a sponser. i need help to get help.
this cycle, this endless cycle. opening and closing and opening again the cupboard doors, expecting to find something different, something new. thats insanity. im insane.
i dont even feel like praying, because it sounds fake. but OA says to 'act as if'.
God, Guiding Spirit, help me find your light again. I believe there is a bright future for me, this will not last forever. Please guide me back to the shovel. And i'll dig. And act as if I've let go of control.
even without feelings, i still feel lost.

10:42 computer room

anger ruled yesterday and into the night. of a denying, 'go F-yourself' nature. to whom im not sure. myself? probably. still torn between those two vying forces within me.
and i think thats the kicker. i have to just let go.
tried an online meeting tonight and it was wonderful. event though you couldn't see people face to face, the shares were just as deep and just as relate-able. and it feel so wonderful going to bed with a soft feeling of peace.
driving home after work today, felt an incredible moment of serenity. Listening to Kings, just so wonderful and happy to be in the moment, so aware, especially of the sky. noticed it this morning to, so beautiful. September first today, a threshold of Autumnm, the last vestiges of summer. around 6pm, driving over the bridge and towards home, the sky was baby blue still, and the clouds looked so soft as to be cashmere throws tossed around the skies. but in between spaces you could see higher formations, fantastical cloud castles tinged with pink and peace, like a scene from Michelangelo's divine frescoes or a digital fantasy world. haha, those are as different comparisons as they get, but the view just seemed to fit both so well :)
overate tonight, but I stopped to exercise, shower and participate in the online meeting. progress over perfection. really happy for work. and it was interesting, my daily reader mentioned today about giving yourself to God and letting your Higher Power lead you, in times of both struggle AND joy. which i think is very important to remember. that we can get caught up in the excitement of a moment/a time and that serotonin can tempt us astray when we are least suspecting.
guilt, mum just came down to try to get the dog in, he's barking his routine night time vigilant songs...against squirrels.
grateful for a feeling of belonging. for peace. praying for humility, help to surrender. the serenity to accept the things i cannot change. the courage to change the things i can - working the program, the 12 steps, giving service, even just by attending meetings. the wisdom to know the difference.
thank you for today.
love.