12:20 bedroom

should make this quick, need to get to bed to sleep for rest for skiing tomorrow. though if i don't write out my thoughts, they may swirl endless patterns around my head and keep me awake.
a very strong binge tonight, on chocolate and cookies. bowls of the stuff. but before that; a very good day as far as patience. waiting, just letting time pass and not feeling like i have to control a decision. and interesting and good results. the past came back today, but it was a good visit with E. sentimental, but we have both changed, and i accept that. the connections i have with people keep me alive. they are what i live for. but i realize it will take pratice and patience to work up stamina to go an entire day. by the late evening when i got home, i was running out of steam. i made dinner but ate it while watching tv episodes. as i turned to the stairs, a warning light and bell went off in my head, and i acknowledged i shouldnt be doing this. i felt the 'rightness' of sitting at the table and mindful eating. but i went around it, tried to go past it. but one night of eating unhealthily will not ruin my life and should not dictate my next waking to the next morning light. that is then, and will be then. this is now. i was ignoring fatigue and sleepiness and so pushed aside serenity and emotions. i accept my mistake. i accept it and move on. it has happened. it happened. i release it. and now i will sleep.
grateful for friends, who are supportive in their very presence. grateful for laughter. grateful for cold, life affirming air. grateful for feeling a sense of my own responsibility to myself. grateful for love and what it teaches us.

11:29 bedroom

head as chock full of thoughts and images (wonder where that phrase comes from) tonight as it was cloudy during the day. to match the sky. feeling tired. but a good tired from a full day. feeling uncertain, even as im typing. not sure the words i should put down. let it flow now, stream of consciousness. E. thinking about the two boys, how its old habit to make my day center around them. plans with. thoughts of plans with. thoughts of. i want to be free of obsessive thinking. a place of clear focus, where the moment is what matters. my slightly dry fingertips tapping and rubbing the keyboard keys. i think i have written something like that before. the rough cotton, kimono like faded pink robe warm against my skin. my damp hair cool against my scalp. my feet pressing hard against the thin scratchy rug covering the concrete floor. tongue moist against dry chapped lips. ear tickled from droplets of water left over from my shower. responsible for my existence. this is what i am. more important than my surroundings and what i have, is who i am. here to breath and take each moment for what its worth. precious life. what does life ask of me? in each instance? i try to listen. i feel the guidance. some part of me still holds back. but most of me now relishes the feeling...of knowing. not my knowing, but some greater wisdom, some greater force, higher powers...leading me somewhere, to and on a road I know not where it leads. but I will follow the silent voice. blinking cursor. wondering if words will appear. well, they will if i put action forth. woke up to raskal barking, for once a blessing, because I had set my alarm for p.m. and slept past my normal waking hour. a little late to work, but nothing serious today, again. a better day with the laid-back-ness, a wonderfully thoughtful gift from susan for everyone in our department. computer meandering. long walk with katie, chatting about boys and life. more computer meandering. meet up with ruthie at a coffee shop, long and gratifying discussion about our present mindsets. home to a cup of tea, a made dinner, and a slow eating of it while watching a Merlin episode with L. stopped mid bites because mum would come in and sit on the edge of the armchair i was curled in. an overwhelming anxiety would wash over me. but i simply put down the fork and paid more attention to the movie, forcing calmness (versus freaking out at her for no reason). Helped. I ate a few more things after, but I stopped. And I think the slow, present dinner made the difference. I could feel at the end, the compulsion to finish it take over- finishing it because it was food and it was in front of me. But I stopped! I stopped. And Im grateful for the grace and present thought that helped me through the undesirable twinge to eat more. Exercise, stretch and shower. Tired. feel a bit stuffy.
Yesterday- made dinner for C, a recipe I would like to attempt again for progress sake. Hair and Zoolander and an intense make out and sex session. A lovely reclining after, finishing the movie, then sharing. Telling him about my stone house, images of it clarifying as I talked. Earlier at dinner, I couldn't shut up, a right 'chatty cathy'.
grateful for pause. for weighted waiting. for the sigh of relief you feel at the end of it. grateful for plumbing. grateful for sleep.

12:21 bedroom

end of a weekend, dont really feel like writing much, but will review the past few days and maybe find myself in a full entry. Eating this weekend continued to be excessive, and I am ready to start fresh tomorrow. avatar on friday, beautiful and exciting. going to see it again next saturday at the imax :) sat alone in my car afterwards, the rain gently falling on my window, the bright parking lot light shinning through the rivulets and droplets. a sense of the mystical over came me and I cried slowly, but strongly, a conviction growing inside me to embrace life with all i have to give, however i can. i want to attend and i want to be present, moving through the moments. that mantra has helped me, and ive noticed myself using it over the past couple days. "I can't move past it, I have to move through this". It helps me focus and reclaim my consciousness and surroundings. Ive taken to observing whats around me, naming things as i see them, in my head. A long saturday morning, hiked with Luke to the falls in the early afternoon. Shower, nap, then prep for Christmas traditional dinner- botanical garden lights, Snowflake lane song and drummers, and italian feast at Maggianos. Delicious, but not completely holding onto my serenity. Exciting to go dancing. Meet up with C around 10:30 and head out about 45 minutes later, after a romp with my thigh highs and black boots still on. Great night, just felt like dancing and getting drunk. Awesome gay bar, good atmosphere, hot male dancers, and fun music. Image of C flinging his dreads as he works the pole ;) Very hung over this morning, its been a while. A good wake up call though. Ive moved past the need to drink and deal with hangovers on a regular basis. I would like to put compulsive eating behind me as well. Those physical hangovers are just as bad and the mental component even worse. I still feel like my body is recovering, a good sleep with be wonderful. Like A reminds me, think of things I am grateful for, everyday, as often as possible. Grateful for a warm and fun and understanding man in my life; grateful for friends to talk to and share with; grateful for a comfy bed. Grateful for the OA program which helps me work at being a better person, for myself, for others.

12:14 bedroom

a bit cool tonight, but warmer than last week. come back cold, make it snow! another day long but not awful. Finished up K's last secret santa display and felt happy to use my creative powers, and doing it for someone else's pleasure makes it even better. another day of eating outside of meals and snacks, and eating sugar. but we had a dessert exchange at work, and i can forgive myself for giving into sweets when they surround me. i could have decided not to take any home, but i thought I would be able to handle it. I was not. I ate them all and more. I knew I was eating compulsively and saddened by it, as I was avoiding watching a movie with my sister because I wanted to eat. But, with the grace of a higher power, I settled. I exercise, a short dvd, then a wonderful long stretch time, and a rinse. Felt good after the shower, feel alright, now. I feel myself at a beginning again, this is what it felt like at the beginning, discovering how it felt to stop eating compulsively, feeling the safety of meetings, the belonging. Feeling serenity, feeling myself. More aware of my body, which I feel is a miracle- my body and the feeling of it. i am grateful for a body that can move all its parts and give me such joy in its movement. I realize my body IS; it is not good or bad, it IS. It is only my perception that changes, my mental thought process, stemming from my mind. I need to quite my mind, let serenity move through like a soft dreamy wave, emptying channels and letting peace settle throughout and allowing clear, focused awareness to prevail.
dream, dream, dream.
the daily reader talked about feeling feelings today. at the end of the binge, i faced that i was trying to push something down, and i slightly let the feeling rise, but it was pain, and beyond that i couldn't tell, and the not knowing was painful too, so i went into the kitchen to get more food, but then jerry came back in the house from working outside, and i filled a mug with water instead. thank god. finished with an ice cream sandwich, like last night, and watched myself in the mirror as i ate it, which i think helps a lot. makes me face what im doing, and even enjoy the food for what it is. which i think helps too. brings back the focus to the present moment. the other daily reader also mentioned lashing out and not taking the time to think. this is what i do when i eat. I lash out and I use. i want to slow down, to garner and gather calmness to be able to face my feelings. i need to go ahead with step four and if I am to do this consistently and with dedication, i need a sponsor. I will be on the look out and actively peruse and be open to guidance.
night is drawing out, i should sleep, but i feel still quite awake. almost excited, a energy in my stomach, my core. also a bubbling of the intestine. as usual.
grateful for life, the life i have, the life i live, every breath, every moment. grateful for hope, for the hope of Love.

11:47 bedroom

food not exact to eating plan, but a long day, and overall a good day. awoke to aubrey and lucas racing around the house, exasperation in her voice, fact in his. a feeling, an urge, like the night before to attend luke's orchestra concert, then denied, this time followed. drove them to the next stop on the bus route. chiro, long wait at planned parenthood for birth control, though it went by strangely fast. watching and listening to three young children play, reading from newsweek. to work, eat lunch, rush out on a fire DAT call. K interpreted Spanish, it sounded beautiful to me, so amazing to hear her switch from english to spanish to english in half a second. motivating actually, to start on my french teaching application. afternoon over, evening full of unexpect-ededs. locked my keys in my trunk, and got a call from the Surrey Police regarding someone I worked with in Vancouver. Bizarre, unsettling. Set off for my evening presentation, a bit lost, finally find it, then wait in silent amusement while they discussed a vote for a new policy on tricycle helmets. stumbled through the short presentation as it was interpreted in two other languages. again, languages. culture. differences, similarities. race back to the chapter to meet luke, who heroically brought me an extra key from home. drive to Dancechurch to meet R, and dance anger and stress away. wonderful, great beats and pulses, mine slowing and quickening to match the music. quick chat with amy on the drive home, eat my pre-made dinner (thank god), and also advent chocolates and an icecream bar. not perfect, but okay. tired now, might still read a little, bed. grateful for inexpensive entertainment and musical trance dance release. grateful for a space to feel me, to be me, without reservation or hesitation. Love.

11:45...12:35 bedroom

I just wrote a very long blog post and accidently went back to the previous page, leaving the words to the mysterious nothingness of lost web space.
it is a shame, but i felt getting the words out helped anyway.
to recap:
a long day. frustrated, going through the motions, disconnected from myself. a long day dream about a battle with a large monster in dark armour that splits open to a figure in blinding white light with two swords who pierces me in the chest as she says "I am choice". Then points to two doorways, one shrouded in fog, "uncertainty" the other dark, set in stone, which i know leads to an empty blackness "you know leads to knowhere". A serious binge, talk with friends and family, exercise, more talking, shower, reading.
Ask not what you expect out of life, but what life expects out of you. Let go of the naievety of life's meaning having a finite purpose, an aim to which I can move towards. Instead, each moment has a purpose, a reason, a right action for me to take. Only I can live my joy, my suffering. Only I can be a sister, a daughter, a lover, a friend to those I know. Only I can do the work that I can do. My purpose is in living each moment, asking what life needs of me.
I feel i need to write, and hope that someday I my thoughts and ideas will spill from my pen in a coherence that allows others to connect and reflect and continue with what I have shaped. Grateful for family and friends to talk to and share with, for the annonymity of the web and its possibility of connecting with strangers who I will never meet, never know. grateful for a sense of humour and acceptance that the past is the past. Still need to move through my past some more, but that will come as I take action.
Hilarious. All that typing. Good practice I guess.
I pray to Love myself.

11:17 bedroom

breath. in my room, my own little space, my own little world. surrounded by smiling faces and memories and color and pattern and texture, smooth and rough and soft and hard and scratchy. over ate tonight, felt the itch during meeting, and on the way home. which, now I know, whenever I get the itch, unless I take every possible means to move through it, it will not pass. or i will not pass past it. call someone, wait and talk to a higher power, reach out to a guiding spirit, reach in to myself and my inner self, have a cup of tea, jump in the shower. the itch cannot be stopped, it must be moved. i must move through it. feel saddened but it has happened and it is done. the moment is now and i am me and i am worthy and beautiful and i like myself just the way i am. good commentary and thoughts tonight in meeting. a great share, so fluid a story and so chock full of truth and honesty and good ideas. B had a great share too, a smart phrase, cant remember exactly what she said now. Surrender. Surrendering to the truth. The truth of the illness, that it is a disease that I will have for the rest of my life. But a disease that I do not have to suffer from. One I can learn from and use for my spirit to grow brighter than ever before. I feel present, but blocked from my soul. My emotions are here, but I can't really name them, or their source. The Steps are calling my name, Step Four is waiting on my doorstep, patiently, but with an unwavering stare.
the past, my past, is coming back, picture by picture, memory by memory, page by page of old journals. it surrounds me, beckoning me in, to search it, to leaf through it, to find meaning in it, to find answers. its alive, breaths and whispers filling the air, gently pressing against me, pushing me...to open up, and to seek what i would find. answers.
stretching, breathing, calming, being. so present, its hard for me to remember the day. gray, drizzly, more busy than usual, the start of secret santa; tea and a granola bar on my desk. grocery shopping for gifts and searching for poems for K. amusing, entertaining, fun :) tyring to please someone else, truly please them, find something that they find solace and meaning in. fruit and vegetables for nourishment, a poem for thinking.
grateful for a laptop. grateful for an inviting bed. grateful for tape. grateful for OA. I pray for the strength to cultivate my honesty and empathy and compassion. im feeling strange difficulties with S. I think its because I feel like I should be doing the work she is, but she is accepting it, so I let her have it. Feeling all the while that it is my load.
Trust the universe. Pray for Love. Nurture love inside.