10:59 Living room

End of a dexter episode hit me today, will get that in here later.
another day of compulsive eating. but if these past four days have anything of a lesson for me to learn, it is that i need to continue working for faith. i need to truly let go so i can come to believe in a higher power that will guide me to my destiny. to 'me'. to wholeness and serenity. away from brokenness and insanity. to love.
a day of different directions and viscosities. but through its troubles, there was a beautiful sense of peace. in the afternoon anyway. then the darkness sparked and i failed to move away, so as to deny it fuel. so it flamed and then burned. and then i burned, in anger , and drowned, in helpless tears. i needed to move so i got an exercise DVD but was torn as to whether I should do it. that would be considered purging, but I knew i would feel better if i made it through some of it. then a voice from somewhere to the side; i heard 'god wouldnt want me to suffer, to feel bad'. and so i punched and kicked and then cried and talked to mum, and felt calmer. still uneasy and unsettled, but no longer like i was going to explode and burst into flames.
let go, have faith, that you higher power, God, Guiding Spirit, have good things in store for me, meaningful things full of purpose. you will lead me to where i need to go, help me to be the person, the human i need to be.
"it was always right there. i had to say goodbye in order to reconnect with whats really important. with who i was. with who i have to be."Dexter, Season 2, Episode 2 (54:00)
goodbye to fear in God, fear of faith. I am worthy. I am important. I will be something great. i am in your hands Guiding Spirit. Guide me.

1:55 computer room

so if yesterday and last night were an opening of the soul, today was the zipping it back up.
maybe watching Dexter re-runs wasnt the best cataylst for my personal plumbing of mind and spirit.
angry, sad. binged multiple times again today. tried to mediatate this afternoon, to really feel the emotions, but kept falling asleep, was so tired. the metting this morning was great, lots of people, lots of perspective, both through struggle and recovery.
i just feel so fucked right now. and im fucking myself over. these past three days have been like a steamroller. i have done nothing but eat and watch tv. tired, cranky, and frusterated.
tired.
i will eat breakfast tomorrow morning and get back on track. repeition and perserverance. break the cycle, make the good habits. and pray. all the motions are tied up in faith and hope. faith and hope, faith and hope, faith and hope...
pray.
dear guiding spirit, please, let me feel you again, let me lose this foggy mind, cotton ball body, and ragged spirit. lead me to the light. open a crack in my cell so i can bask in it, renew my hope to escape this numbing prison.
stealing, sneaking, selfish existence.
this is not me. i dont want to live that life.
i need sleep.
grateful for the promise of tomorrow, a new day, a day taken one moment at a time.

1:17am computer room

maybe i wont ever get it. i just dont get it and maybe i wont ever get it.
past lost. feel like im in a black hole that is just going to keep sucking in light to no avail, until it collapses.
so many signs so many signs that god is out there.
so many tears falling down my face. at my frustration with myself. at the loss of hoping, starting to bloom like a dark flower. i have to pull through, i have to. but it just seems like motions. like different play parts that i go through, but always to come back to this. this insanity. which feels like...its all. no, not all. but something i cant push through. it will always come back to this?
where does this fear come from, these fears of the irrational. of monsters and demons. from myself? from the darkness i see in myself?
OH GOD.
i cant let myself get fat. i wont take it, i cant take it. and i hate that everything is tied up with that. i feel no rationality right now, though im desperatly trying to catch a thread. ground it. ground myself, bring myself back.
we see what we choose to see. god, what do you want me to see. please, im asking you, what do you want me to see?
paradie, i want you. i want you to see light.
how? how? what do i do?
you do.
do. do the 12 steps? yes, do the 12 steps.
breathe. do. live.
okay.
i see old. an old woman. i will live to be an old woman. crying. but i will live to be an old woman.
maybe. or maybe not.
but i will continue to live. day by day. oh shame. shame and guilt. but mostly shame, so much of it, overwhelming, like a wave.
has anything changed?
i dont want this to be my life anymore? no, i do not want this to be my life anymore. whatever the next life will be, the life without it, i dont want this life anymore. this one of shame and tears.
i may be just as confused and uncertain in the next, but please, take away the shame and tears.
a child, needing to be taken care of. thats what i feel like. and shame at this.
3 binges today. 4 including over eating at lunch.
im not happy. as happy as i want to be, as happy as i feel i should be, as happy as i am trying to feel, because i know i would normally feel happy in my situation.
im not. and there is no reason not to be. i want to curl up in a ball, i cant fight anymore.
or wait. there is something still there. but i think its anger. stubborn anger. but its not strong enough. a last battalion of weary but resolved fighters.
except this isnt a battle. its something to give up. to lift out and let go. its not mine to fight, to control. and yet i keep trying. the body image. trying to make the situation work for me. but-
i do. i breathe, i do, i live.
i work the steps.
please take me. please take it away.

10:37 Living Room

one week of abstience. the last four of those in eastern washington doing work training. and last night a blackout drink binge. which led to today's break in the weave. frighteningly hungover today, even cried a bit, so my stomach and body were torn apart as far as energy and hunger were concerned. managed some breakfast but then gave it to the toilet. lunch was munched in the car, then dinner was preceded by snacking and followed by mowning leftovers off other peoples' plates.
up and down, progress not perfection, one day at at time.
meeting tomorrow, thankful for that, that protection, that safety, that peace i feel there.
but have to honestly propose another question to myself. one i know i have been avoiding, maybe because i am afraid of the answer.
alcohol.
something else i need to come face to face with? something i need to end a relationship with?
its different, but similar to food. i have trouble stopping when i start. but unlike food, i dont desire booze. i rarely have a glass of wine with dinner. only when going out to a bar or dancing will i start throwing them back. and mostly end up unproperly unremembering the end of the evening and carrying a terrible hangover the next day. which always screws up my eating. because my body is out of whack.
so maybe, even if i dont truly NEED to give up drinking, it would make my abstience that much stronger.
sigh. funny how we hang on to things even though they make us feel terrible. we get so attached, in a sick kind of self destructive way, through habit.
tired but wired. first official day of work tomorrow, 8:30 sharp. shower now, then hopefully fall into sleep swiftly.
rainstorms forecasted...

11:52

watching the end of Pink Panther (steve martin version) with my sister and her friends. don't want to write again but sure the words will flow and some good will come of them if i just start typing.
day marked by annoyance and irritability and then a wave of sadness in late evening. just didnt know what to do with myself. girls called to go out to a pub and a show but couldnt make up my mind for the longest time. finally decided to stay home, but hated feeling guilty about it so i sent a text rather than call to explain my absence.
tired, this isnt really working with the movie in the background.
4th day, praise god.
tired. emotionally spent. from nothing.
tired.

11:59 living room

most of me just wants to go to bed but a sliver says i should write and get the day out of my system so i can sleep.
the clarity im feeling is unreal, almost like taking a drug, the altered state is so dramatic. my third day of abstinence :) amazing really, thinking back to how hard that first night was.
today was so rollar coaster, anxiety riddled. call from my friend this morning and made evening plans to see a free music show downtown. good, get me out of the house, safe, with a close old friend. but then she mentioned going to a house warming party for an old high school mate. alarms went off in my head but i was excited at the same time so i agreed. through yard work, through my shower, through laundry and other puttering around the house till i left, i struggled with thoughts of judgement and reception. my whole day was spent thinking about it! whether or not to go, how it would pan out. i had decided against it, but then we carpooled so i couldnt leave my girlfriend hanging. talking to her in the car made me feel better though, getting my anxieties out in the open. listened to the first band then left for a meeting. this one was different, it included writing and meditation. it was wonderful :) such a good homey comforting energy. i shared and included my anxities about the house warming and coming home late and at the end of the meeting almost everyone told me to call them if i needed, to support me going to bed without binging. AMAZING! i felt centered and grounded in that place, i felt ME. driving down to seattle, i was having a complex about who to present as myself at the party, what role i should play. but after the meeting, that frustration just crumbled into dust like a dried mud puddle under my feet. arrived at the house and immedietly my body was out of control, heart hammering, eyes darting around, fast breathing. afterwards, Sarah said she never saw any of those symptoms. oh how well we hide our problems. 20 minutes of the party, talking with Sarah and a few others in close conversation was greatly enjoyable. the rest was...lame. college graduates still playing beer pong to booty shake music blaring out of the stereo, unable to talk about anything of importance. well, to be honest, i didnt really try having conversations with them. but i feel like if i did, they wouldnt have gotten any where. happy to leave, tired and out of place. realized i have to admit my alcholic tendencies to myself, and made a decision not to have a drink there- it would have led to blackout, that i have no doubt in my mind- which made me feel even more akward, no social lubrication.
now home, late, tired. more guests arrived tonight, australian family, this house is bursting. but i will keep praying and reading and i think i will call a few people tomorrow. connection. fellowship. love :)
so grateful for friends who i can be crazy around, who i can take the time to find myself around.
thank you god for a chance to live this beautiful life.

10:53 computer room

thoughts from last night driving home:
a good day
a great meeting
time for sleep
a night embraced.
...
and embraced it was, sleeping 11 hours of desperately needed deep dark. a good dark.
and there was my first day of abstinence :) a bit snarky when i went to bed around 10, but that was to be expected.
and here is my second day of abstinence :) didn't go to a meeting but sat down at 7:30 when the meeting would have started and did reading and workbook writing. It was wonderful. Emotional at one point, had to put down my pen and rest my head in my hands, but overall so necessary to embody the past and reality. Its funny how powerful writing something down can be, like that transfer of thought from mind to paper accrues power on its trip down the neck, picks up weight through the arm and then takes on tangible meaning as it shoots out the fingers.
a second night. almost unthinkable yesterday.
but like the tanned fit wide blue eyes said yesterday night in her share, it can come on at any moment, at any minute, you can fall again, even after a lengthy period of abstinence, and so you have to be ready, you have to be prepared, by being involved in the program and strong with your higher power.
i feel it. feel you. my guiding spirit. you are resting in my chest. a weight, but a welcome one, like the weight of a heavy blanket that wraps around you while you watch the storm from your porch. or the weight of a mug of hot tea in your hands after a long day of physical and mental exertion. or the weight of a warm body pressed against you, in a loving hug or sensual embrace.
comfort, healing, love. these are all what we need.
I found an old email going through my inbox, trying to find the login for one of those accounts you never use but suddenly unexpectedly need access to. the email was about kindness, sent to me from my stepdad last september, when i was really starting to try to find a 'solution' to my problem. When was the last time lasting change ever came about from force or coercion? You can punish yourself into something, but chances are the results wont have staying power. But what if you treating yourself with respect and positive encouragement? And let yourself make mistakes?
I know i have greatly underestimated the power of positive thinking and positive self talk. Just telling yourself, "Im happy", when you are feeling bummed, over and over again, can bring a lift to your step. of course in the beginning, you say it furiously or pathetically, but then eventually, maybe because it sounds so ridiculous, you start laughing. And when you sincerely laugh, you can't stay angry or sad for long.
I stepped on a rake yesterday and it smacked me in the head. Just like a cartoon or an old black and white. Slap stick. HA. it hurt like hell. but then, because i had actually managed to hit myself with a rake, i started to laugh, and the laughing made the pain almost dissapear.
thats not to say we need to shoo away all our pain. laughter cant take away the deepest hurts, even cynical laughter, which most of us use much too often.
Step one workbook questions ask you to look at your relationship with your emotions. And in turn with your family and friends and yourself.
i have buried my emotions so deep under food I lost myself. Im only just beginning to scrub off the layers and layers of dirt caked around my spirit, to find who i am and what i truly believe deep down. To find that intuitive light inside. Its exciting, discovering yourself, almost like opening an old present you forgot about. But its also frightening. its hard work scraping of the dirt. but i read a metaphor somewhere that i felt hit a chord in me, a note chimed somewhere and i looked up with a shine in wide eyes. the passage said to think of yourself as a beautiful peice of polished wood that has been tossed on the forest floor and accumulated layers of dirt and moss and leaves. first you find yourself, the object. then you begin to break down its outer barrier until you reach the hidden treasure inside :) maybe a bit hokey, but i love it.
i am a beautiful piece of wood,
i am a beautiful piece of wood...