11:24 basement

24...
grateful to god, the universe, the angels...whatever guiding spirit and power of love that helped me get in the shower, the relaxing hot rush of water that rushed my tension down and away from me, that allowed me to avoid the kitchen, that helped me feel my feelings, what needed to be felt.
thank you. will write more tomorrow.

10:20 computer room

going to bed now, after this.
rain falling, hair astrew (astray?), body tensed, mind jumbled- a chaotic cloud mass.
the clouds were spectacular tonight, took a dangerous snap while driving in traffic on the floating bridge. a huge grey mass surging over bellevue, the sun glinting off the tower through the breaks on the other side.
raskal chomping food. rain dripping down in rivulets.
adventure. i want adventure. challenge. i want challenge. something other than what i have.
last night was very bad, a desperate binge, a sobbing respite. but also a touch from god. a calmness, and then a soft comforting blessing on my folded hands, pressed against my forehead. a blessing. a realization, for willingness, i need to embrace love, i need to embrace and love myself. to forgive. so i did. i cried but i said out loud, over and over, 'i accept myself just as i am, i love myself just as i am, just for today.' it hurt, but it felt really good too.
and today, i was bursting with love. woke at 6, a bit early, and the harsh reality of the night before set in, but i fell asleep again, and the next waking wasnt so bad. and the love grew throughout the day. i wanted to connect with everyone, to reach out, to touch, to hear, to talk to. im starting to feel it slowly slip away, just in this moment, just a notch. i think it might have been two things. god. but also a need to get away from myself. to get out of myself. which maybe is god as well.
binged tonight again. very low about the middle, thinking i was going to quit HOW, quit my sponsor. but then the universe pushed. E called, though i didnt answer, just stared at the phone vibrating in my hand. then S sent a text. then 8:30 rolled around and i knew i had to drop the last few bites of my food back in the container and make the call. felt a bit forced, a bit floating, but i talked and tried to explain how i was feeling, for her, and for myself.
little by little. i do feel a change. but i would like to be able to come home at night and lead a normal, a sane evening. i don't see this happening soon. but i hope for it, i pray for it, i am willing for it. i would like to try a switch in routine, to try to shake up the habit side of it. to exercise in the morning, and then go to bed by 10. i know i still need meetings, and talking, and literature and service. but i also think i need to break the structure of the binge, of the feeling of impending doom throughout the day. tonight i want sleep. and tomorrow i might get home to late. but there is always the next day. and the next. and the next.
but i am here. just for today. today. just for tonight. tonight.
sleep.

(written 10:25 last night, bedroom)

(bad internet connection)

"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Nelson Mandela
Feeling frusterated is okay, but feeling resentful against having a problem, a flaw, isn't going to help me get through my frustration, or get me anywhere for that matter. To truly embrace a higher power, the guiding force of the Universe, the spirit of Love, i think i have to embrace the disease, the problem. Only by loving it can I begin heal from it. And even if that healing is a lifelong journey, then the more love i will cultivate and grow in my life...(felt like that bit of understanding there came from somewhere else...)
Im a bit sick with a cold, stuffy nose, hard forehead, clammy head. the heater is on. i need to get a grip, i want to get a grip. a magazine beside me. a CD burning. a weekend in stupor. then manic. music, exercise. a beautiful day and evening, early fall sunshine, hope it lasts. trying to plan out the week only increases the clammy feeling in my fead, stress. but want the strcuture, know it will help, as much as i am refusing to accept, rebelling,
against this new life i have to live. but this doesnt have to be forever. it might come to be that if...no. what happens happens. i will live structured and abstinent under the HOW prgoram for 30 days. Happy Feet the movie last night in the hotel room with aubrey and her friends. loved it. was actually very focused and intrigued. havnt felt that way about anything for a long time. then the dancin tonight, zealous bursting dance and joy to 'I gotta feeling' by BEP. after watching a video made by university kids in montreal. they did a video to it in one take. just made me happy for some rason. maybe the connection of it, the organization, all those people working together,
even if it was for a music video about partying ;) sometimes it the silly things that get us most willing to get involved. why is it important for me to focus on my recovery, why should i put myself first...im struggling with this. trying to figure out the right way to do things. but i have to just do and let them come, pray and let god. let god guide me. me first. sounds very 3 or 6 year old. nieve and stubborn and grabby. but its true. i need to put myself first. as much as i dont want to, its what has to happen. living just for today. this is another hard concept, but one that makes sense when i feel the focus, the clarity, the prescence of myself. live just for today, for yourself, for others. help them, help yourself. love yourself, love the universe.
"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew." Saint Francis de Sales

"Today i will ask for the willingness to move to the rythm of my recovery." Daily reader.
dance. movement. i think im being given a...sign. embrace dance, it is a love, a passion. it is really hard to
imagine my life without food, letting go of my obsession with it, because it is such an integral part of life. i feel like life will be dull and grey without it. but maybe i have to move through that dull grayness before i can emerge on the other side of the rainbow. i have to go through the cloud to get over the rainbow and back into the sun. a real sun. god wants me to live a good life, says claire. she says to talk to myself like i would a really good friend. so i would tell her; im sorry you feel the way you do. its too bad you have this problem. but keep pushing. keep talking. keep praying. keep reading. the universe is full of love, and you can tap into that if you let yourself.
act as if you are willing. act as if you are willing. do what you know needs to be done. and let the rest come to you. what you dont know. which i know is a lot, but thats okay. in a way, its a good thing. you can learn and make yourself all over again. think of this as being whitewashed. you may feel vulnerable and pale for a while. but then think of all the colors and textures you and god can find. grateful for space heaters. grateful for dreams. grateful for the creativity of human kind. grateful for the inspiration of the entire animal kingdom. and plants, those are pretty amazing too ;)

11:23 hotel room

A fighting day. Surronded by food, snacks and vending machines. A spiritual moment walking to the ice machine, with the intent of getting some more pretzles and chocolate. The hallway straightened, and the sconces and myself were reflected in the dark windows at the end. I felt like i was walking towards another me, in a parallel universe. Walked into the room, filled the bucket, turned to the humming box of depression- then turned away. Walked out of the door, and glanced back at my reflection as i turned back to the room...and felt like i was now the 'other' self, the one who i had sadly contemplated only moments before. the hemmed in girl was now on the other side, i was the released one. i walked back taller.
i feel the need for spiritual help. the need to be completely filled with spiritual...wholeness. i dont want to distract. i want to actually read and learn and absorb. i want to get through this. i want to cultivate honesty. the willingness is stronger.
i will continue to ask and act as if. i need help. i want help. slowly but surely. i am changing. it might be for the worse before it gets better. most likely.
i am torn between isolating and going out for nothing. i want to be able to sit in spiritual solidarity with myself. without needing distraction. without desiring food.
at peace. with myself. with the world. that is the day i will be happy. dare i hope...
grateful for...a new day, the gift of another day.

12:37am living room

A long friday, many faceted, full of many parts. Training all day, poorly attended to on my part, i realized i was acting quite immaturely during it. Sketching and stretching out and leaving multiple times for the bathroom. Quick emails after then we all left for happy hour, me scrambling after everyone else, who booked it ahead of me. Frusterated and stressed in traffic, not myself talking to ruthie and katie on the phone, trying to get to the place. Let myself drive and eventually was guided to it, with some directions from a ticket cop. A nice sit with the co-workers, but typical of me to not eat or drink anything besides waters. though i really would not have felt comfortable consuming food or alcohol. though i seriously contemplated the latter, in the beginning. left in time for the meeting, another meandering drive through the city to get there, but eventually, safetly and soundly, arrived. a very good meeting, the first share burst my resentment bubble, and the others dried most of the water, but i still left with some residew, so even though i had good intentions and feelings when i got home, to eat dinner then go to bed, i ate dinner then finished watching a movie with the fam in the living room, feeling the desire rise, but not really feeling like i wanted to stop it. a false cheery afirmative to mum's sleepy query 'are you good for tonight?' then a slip into the kitchen for the first round. anxious with luke sitting beside me as i munched the first bagel, then down when he left, realizing i didnt want to eat, but knew i was going to continue. then he came back, and the feeling lifted and i was back to anxious munching, which turned into frustration with him being there. eventually, halfway through some grapes, felt so sick, that i had to stop, brush my teeth and do a short exercise. all carbs and sugar tonight. comfort.
i want to go to the morning meeting tomorrow, but i also want my body to have sleep. i think i will stay later in bed tomorrow, but if i wake by 9, i will go.
late, it is tomorrow, i will write more soon.
grateful for a body that can move and sweat. grateful for meetings.

11:13 living room

remembering the first night i started this blog. was sitting a cushion over on this couch. but the memory is emotionally very clear. the light behind me. the feeling of the night.
tired now. je suis fatigue. and stuffed up, but not too much of a bother, unless it keeps me from falling asleep.
up early and a short talk with mum before she left for work, about being grateful for not having it worse off. one way to look at it. public meeting briefing on H1N1, interesting and informative but long. Slow afternoon in the office, to the soundtrack of various stations on Pandora. Left with Katie, picked up her mum from her office and drove to their house where my bumblebee was waiting. 20 bucks for gas and home. To dinner surprisingly. The family was eating, so I substiuted a protein and sat with them. Felt prickly after, and energetic, so I did a long exercise DVD. Felt incredibly bursting with strength during it, was wonderful. Quick rinse, random internet, call from Anecia. Good talk about being honest with yourself. Fringe, prep for tomorrow (which takes quite a while), now writing, then bed.

One of the 'slip' questions Anecia had me think about was the serenity prayer and what it means to me. the serenity prayer is humility and gratitude. it does connect me to a higher power, a greater power when i use it. but when the desire, the rebellion, the disease is wanting so strongly, the idea of it doesnt even come into my head.
why did i make the choices i did, for the past two nights? was there a conscious thought process? was it unconscious? ...the first night was much more conscious. the second night I was aware of my decisions, but less thought came into the equation.
i am resentful that i have this disease for my entire life. but i feel much more accepting, less controling of it, tonight.
to the part of me that is angry...like the quotes i have on my computer screensaver show me, anger will never lead to light. it feels good when i can let it out, but as soon as i shout or show irrational frustration or impatience, i regret it. it is a very brief and fleeting pleasure to get angry at someone. there is less guilt incurred when you are angry at me, as if i deserve it, but i am a child of the universe, and will thrive on love. all through the ages, Ghandi said, love has persevered, has won. please, anger, lets not make this a fight. i already have enough to deal with. please, let go of yourself, as i must to God. let us let go together and see what kind of boat can be built, and where it will take us. angry me, as long as the anger remains, i will be on an island in the middle of the sea.

I have to remind myself that the 12 steps are a journey, and the journey is an adventure, andpart of the adventure is a process of figuring out behaviors around food, emotions and coming to understand what works., through trial and error.

Read an article about quotes on failure...
"What looks like a loss may be the very event which is subsequently responsible for helping to produce the major achievement of your life."
Srully D. Blotnick
maybe letting this go, as much as i am hesitant about anticipating the complete change it will make of my life, will be what shapes the rest of my life, positively and in good light.
lots of the quotes reminded me of love too. learning, and not losing enthusiasm along the way. think the latter is much harder. to not get jaded, to not expect the world in your partner, to assume it will end, to not hope for it to last forever. once one love goes that you thought you couldnt live without, then how is the next going to be any different? maybe thats the faith. the faith that there is someone, or someones, out there, who are the difference, who will make the difference in your life, if you choose to seek them, to be open to letting the universe let you find each other.

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."
Robert Kennedy
so if my life turns out to be a bland fog, i guess that could be considered a failure. but it could also be a bright and fantastic landscape, with mountains and meadows, a brilliant seascape, a peaceful glade...what colors, what textures will my life painting have...

"There is no failure except in no longer trying."
Elbert Hubbar
I would also say, hiding from your intuition and the universe, being dishonest with yourself.

"Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have."
Louis E. Boone
I will.

11:26 dining room

i feel unhappy and frusterated when im not eating, i feel sad and frusterated when i am.
"Plant yourself in the middle of what you love most--the thing within you that is most alive." -- Yael Lachman
whatever is most alive is buried.
im doing this because im supposed to. ive said this before. to live a brighter life, a fuller life, a more connected life. i feel that desire in the pain. but when the pain isnt there i feel no push. i feel nothing. or i choose to feel nothing. i get anxious at the empty time. the empty space ahead of me. the decisions, of what to do with it. this is a very big decision, to put all my being into faith, into the universe, and pray for love to save me.
lying on the wood slats of the deck, staring up at the stars in the dark blue sky...ive done this before too, havnt i? stared at them anyway. feel lost among them. unsure. then suddenly disconnected. wait a minute...time, patience...let time pass. a shooting star, a grinning face. smile through two slow tears. im wary of normalcy. of not being special. all my life growing up i was told im special. now im faced with reality. that to be truly special you have to make yourself special. we are all miracles of creation, but thats not a promise of what we will become. we are. we can become. can i? can i make it? this is it, the buried root hidden under the rotton soil of an eating disorder. i am uncertain of myself and how i will live my life. i am uncertain about life itself. it just seems so strange to me. i feel more comfortable in stories and tales and imagination. there is a life i dream of living that can never be mine. i watched dave today eat a pastry with coffee and though, hm, maybe someday i can do that. and then a wall appeared between him and me, and i realized no, i never will be able to. to live the life of a normal eater. which unfortunately is what i want with all my heart. because food brings me the most pleasure and joy. which is the sadest thing to admit, to hear someone say. that eating food is why they live, and they are lost without it. am i so callous? is there something missing in me so deep? i love my family dearly, but yet i put food ahead of them. it is a sickness, a terrible sickness. but it is a sickness hiding a sickness i believe. i dont just want it to go away, i want to understand it, to push through it. its proving very difficult. unsure. uncertain. a bit of lift to my vision just this second, clarity. ive craved magic all my life. why am i repelling it now? open yourself paradie, to the magic of the universe, the magic of the stars. i dont like living with my guard down, but in this spiritual path that is exactly what i need to do. let go of preconceptions, of anger, of 'coolness'. I fear so much that Aubrey has the disease too. Her obsession with food. It doesnt seem like she eats very much, but whatever she eats is a pleasure to her. a comfort. i feel like there are two contrary natures to this house. on the one hand it is so comforting and eveloping. on the other it is stressful and muffling. i am nurtured and supported, i am coddled and reined. but i cant live without it right now. unless i wanted to live very isolated, more than i am now, and poorly. i can always run away, but the problems will be there waiting for me when i return. i need to assert my independence, though assert might not be the right word, it has always been there waiting for me. i need to take action and maturity of my own will. i am grateful to mum and jerry to house me and provide food. I think i need to graciously accept the former and conciously avoid the latter. i am sick of food. sick of thinking about it. eating it. i just want to be free of it. but i have to work through it. work through the disease, with the help of a higher power and faith and love. act as if. how does one truly go about doing this? i think getting involved helps. i want meetings now. though last night i lept from one to the bosom of my family. a bonfire, a toast to fall. pray. pray pray pray. for guidance. for faith. for love. God. please help me get through this. please help me understand; whatever it is i need to understand. i need to find a new approach to life. (how long it will take to find this approach is what scares me. the disease is one of immediecy, of instant gratification. and patience takes patience to cultivate. hampster in a ball). food has reined my life. i come to believe the reins will always be attached. i am a compulsive eater, i have the disease of compulsive eating. the reins will always be there to tighen and turn me around. i have acknowledged this truth. and from this understanding i am given the freedom to change and to learn. but i am scared. i believe it in my heart.