9:57 bedroom

hm, this is a first, writing from my bed.
and a first day in three weeks of freedom from food at night. last night was a tramatic emotional and mental heave that send shivers through my mind all through today and the memory was still strong enough to let me ignore eating after dinner. i think it was also the strong social connections i had today, despite my terrible battle this morning, getting out of bed and into my car. the depression of the night still lingered as did the hangover from the carb and sugar binge. but as always, and always ever grateful, the office and people picked me up a bit. though i fought going too far, as into fog and numb mechanical motions. worked with a team through the afternoon then went to the gym with reid. soaked and flushed, but felt great :) gas and dinner with aubrey and jerry. tea. bed. but just listened to a storm between aubrey and lucas overhead in the computer room and made my chest tight. i really dont like serious altercations and i realize im afraid of getting hit. which is bizarre because ive never been hit in my entire life. ive hit in anger, but its never been reciprocated.
heavy mental state tonight but its appreciated. realize how deep my self-hate runs, and how deep the darkness still lingers, im starting to think depression. tried to call a workplace free counseling today, but the woman with the sweet voice said that our companys policy with them had expired in '08. will talk to the human resources manager on tuesday to see if there is another option. i liked talking to the counselor at UBC, i would like to start that again, to figure some of these fears and emotions and the darkness and the isolation out. i will defiently continue OA, i know now I need OA, i wish i could have logged on to an online meeting tonight, but my computer doesnt have java. though i could have asked for mum's laptop. I now need meetings and the 12 steps (and a sponser, oh higher power, please guide me to a sponser) like a grass seed needs water and sunlight. and eventually i will grow into a tall green blade. i cant make a blade of grass grow. but the universal force can, god can. and i will be his and her blade of grass.
grateful for tonight. for feeling tired. for conversation at dinner. for workout partners. for indoor plumbing. love.