Wednesday, January 27, 2010
6:15 bedroom
wow, behind the days, whee have they gone. to food, to mind scapes, to work, to love. work is picking up again, which is nice. stayed home today, to recover from my cold. didn't sleep as i thought i would, and had a nice morning, watched videos and cleaned the kitchen and went on a long walk. went past where the forest path ends and opens up onto the wide grass road. continued past the first bend, to another, and then another. paused reverently to watch steam rise from a circular fork. veered right, bend to the right, bend to the left and pause again as steam rose in great clouds in front of a dark part of the path. turned around and started thinking about food. made lunch but a glich in the cooking time unleashed overeating. stopped before i was too uncomfortable, but still more food that was normal. read the next chapter in Big Book outloud in the sunshine on the living room couch, then exercised. went outside for another walk on the path, stopped at TreeMan and said a prayer, to the air, to the forest. A prayer for something to come help me live a life of compassion and love. A strong prayer of humility. For help. For guidance. Run back into the yard and a couple loops around, wildly joyous to be moving, to be outside in the chill air in the sunshine. spin around and around between the four trees in the grassy knoll turnaround and bound over to the trampoline. fly for a bit, free, so free. a thought that i don't have to feel restricted by my surroundings, especially work. that is a restriction i put on myself, a restriction of my mind trying to control other's thoughts and feelings. stretch, shower. sort of a hazy evening. finished the audio for Chapter 3 and sent my notes to Sponsor E. Wake up call from Ber, feeling isolationist. Going to C's tonight, a good thing I think, otherwise might stew in a mental fog. Feel very sedentary. Grateful for OA, accepting the compulsive illness for something I will have always. Might as well face it now, so i can move on with my life. accept it, take the action i need to, gain a spiritual life, and live. grateful for annoyances that help me grow spiritually. the third tolerance of patience, says the Dali Lama, tolerance against those who cause us injury. Love your enemy for they are a catalyst for your spiritual growth. hmmmm. I pray to embrace a life of compassion and Love. Oneness with all. the Universe. the One. Love. mind is crazy today. all over teh place. bouncing like a rubber ball in a box. which is what it really is, i guess ;) let go of the ball! open the box! laugh ;)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
11:39 dining room
Each binge is only more emphasis for step 1.
sniffles, and throat tight from excessive drinking this weekend. but good fun all around. Britt's going away gathering friday night, then to C's for pie baking (and wine). Aub's bball game on saturday, binge the afternoon, walk, jump and exercise after it, then to C's going away party. Lots of interesting people, laughing, dancing, all around fun :) Starting to feel helpless at my sadness but I just have to let it roll through. Think I need to pull back so I don't grow any bitterness.
Grateful for talking with Sponsor E tonight, she's great with giving grounding perspective. Time and effort. Willing, not trying. If I try, Im trying to control. If im willing, im letting a higher power come in and do what I cant. I've tried. It doesnt pan out. And allowing myself to create a higher power exactly how I need. If its a higher power, its going to have the ability to adapt to whatever a person's needs are. My job to really open up and be honest about what i need. Now I need strength, courage, humility, compassion to find and embrace and embody and live Love. Grateful for my house, my family, the fellowship, my friends. I have an infinite list of wonders to be grateful for. Breath.
Life is overflowing with the new. But it is necessary to empty out the old to make room for the new to enter.
- Eileen Caddy
sniffles, and throat tight from excessive drinking this weekend. but good fun all around. Britt's going away gathering friday night, then to C's for pie baking (and wine). Aub's bball game on saturday, binge the afternoon, walk, jump and exercise after it, then to C's going away party. Lots of interesting people, laughing, dancing, all around fun :) Starting to feel helpless at my sadness but I just have to let it roll through. Think I need to pull back so I don't grow any bitterness.
Grateful for talking with Sponsor E tonight, she's great with giving grounding perspective. Time and effort. Willing, not trying. If I try, Im trying to control. If im willing, im letting a higher power come in and do what I cant. I've tried. It doesnt pan out. And allowing myself to create a higher power exactly how I need. If its a higher power, its going to have the ability to adapt to whatever a person's needs are. My job to really open up and be honest about what i need. Now I need strength, courage, humility, compassion to find and embrace and embody and live Love. Grateful for my house, my family, the fellowship, my friends. I have an infinite list of wonders to be grateful for. Breath.
Life is overflowing with the new. But it is necessary to empty out the old to make room for the new to enter.
- Eileen Caddy
Thursday, January 21, 2010
9:26 dining room
a mental obsession, a physical craving. chocolate tonight, wanted the savory sugar, the creaminess. didn't have any so i sought it out relentlessly. almost caved to mixing powder cake mix, thank god i didnt. but is shoving other food in my mouth no worse? cant even really remember what i ate. going backwards...cookie, white bread with meat, vita gummies throughout, apricot, yogurt, kiwi. started with pasta, broccoli, garlic bread, apple, can peas, prunes.
bread. bread with peanut butter and honey.
awful. thinking "Thats his/her food" helped stop with the pasta. Need to remember that with junk food and vita gummies. Its their food. Take that mentality for all of it. Its their food.
Writing this now, because I want to move through this, i dont want to push it aside with distraction until i feel better physically and mentally. it happened- what can i learn from it? how can i turn this brick into a stepping stone? first, its a concrete example of the mental obsession and physical craving taking over sane thought and action. I am powerless over food, it makes my life unmanageable, because it creates insanity. The same thing, over and over. Second, it is a reminder that eating is a pleasure, but that it is also a gift, bounty from the universe, mother earth and the sun. When I eat, I eat only, with no distraction of reading or watching. Talking and sharing with others and I encourage it for myself, because I find it slows me down. Ah, I was eating very fast tonight, taking the food for pleasure but more so to satisfy that physical craving. And today, I noticed I was focusing on food throughout the day. Tired now, and a little sick, but nothing too bad. Feel uncomfortable physically and spiritually. Let go of negative thoughts, of body image, of failure. It happened, its over, move through it. Take positive action steps.
...brushed teeth, talked, exercised, showered, called...
grateful for Hope. written on my shirt. grateful for a warm house. grateful for forward vision, for present focus, for past consideration. pray for strength in all. to learn from all. to be in the moment, to embrace my emotions and move with them.
bread. bread with peanut butter and honey.
awful. thinking "Thats his/her food" helped stop with the pasta. Need to remember that with junk food and vita gummies. Its their food. Take that mentality for all of it. Its their food.
Writing this now, because I want to move through this, i dont want to push it aside with distraction until i feel better physically and mentally. it happened- what can i learn from it? how can i turn this brick into a stepping stone? first, its a concrete example of the mental obsession and physical craving taking over sane thought and action. I am powerless over food, it makes my life unmanageable, because it creates insanity. The same thing, over and over. Second, it is a reminder that eating is a pleasure, but that it is also a gift, bounty from the universe, mother earth and the sun. When I eat, I eat only, with no distraction of reading or watching. Talking and sharing with others and I encourage it for myself, because I find it slows me down. Ah, I was eating very fast tonight, taking the food for pleasure but more so to satisfy that physical craving. And today, I noticed I was focusing on food throughout the day. Tired now, and a little sick, but nothing too bad. Feel uncomfortable physically and spiritually. Let go of negative thoughts, of body image, of failure. It happened, its over, move through it. Take positive action steps.
...brushed teeth, talked, exercised, showered, called...
grateful for Hope. written on my shirt. grateful for a warm house. grateful for forward vision, for present focus, for past consideration. pray for strength in all. to learn from all. to be in the moment, to embrace my emotions and move with them.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
11:56 computer room
I only have this day to take action, i only have this moment to enjoy, to move through, to feel. only this moment. i pray for the strength to feel my emotions and the courage to carry them with humility. i pray for the strength to follow my own desires, the ability to hear my inner voice and heed its call. I am torn in a situation, about going on a trip with a friend. I don't know what to do. I give it up to you, a greater force, a higher power. I pray for guidance. I pray for love, inside and the strength to give it without reservation or condition. I pray for the strength to follow guidance. I pray. Grateful for a sponsor to check in with, to help me reflect, to keep me moving on the path of recovery. I overate tonight, for pleasure, for reassurance. Apathy kicked in a bit through. Stopped when the feeling of sickness just sprouted. Grateful. Goodnight.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
9:42 computer room
Feeling zen at the moment and decided I should write a bit, because it hasn't been very often that I come here in a peaceful state of mind and body. Tired, but not unpleasantly. Body is winding down, readying itself for sleep. And an early day tomorrow, working for volunteering for MLK day.
Long friday, lots of activity in the office, and then after, the excitement of going to a great show with C and his buddies. Nap before and put aside program work for convenience. Great DJ set and live show, drank quite a bit, but was aware for it all. Standing in front of the sink back at C's house, drinking 3 mugs of water, because something told me to. Grateful for that bit of wisdom in the morning, felt little hangover, just tired. Though I dropped out of a work presentation because, honestly, i really didn't want to go. Felt a bit guilty, then let it pass, and read the Dali Lama while C slept beautifully next to me. left for home in the afternoon and ate it away, into the evening. was that really just last night? feels like longer. watched a movie on netflix, then did a short, painful, exercise, my stomach was so extended i couldnt do the frog sit or i felt like i was going to throw up. but in bed by midnight and a decent sleep. up this morning with a bit of anxious energy, tried to calm my mind during stretches and reading. I was still a bit jumpy on the drive to the work presentation but felt very calm and mellow when i arrived. felt very comfortable standing in front of the 50 people in the room. sometimes i feel more confident when there are more faces, and more fidgety and hurried when there are only a few. (whoops, got distracted there, banking, facebook, and wonderful phone call from a long lost very dear friend). Visit with Ruthie and Amber and then home to a delicious roast beef dinner with the family. Mum was in her bathrobe and hair towel and aubrey was reading, and there were no terrible arguments. A bit stressed after but made a cup of tea, let go the need, felt the low hit as i denied it, but felt better watching some movie with mum. had a few cookies and then some prunes but stopped when the thought came- if i was in my own place, i would enjoy what i wanted then stop. and so i stopped. brushed my teeth and moved on. first call with my sponsor E, a very loud and laughing lady who i can imagine claire sounding like when she gets older. feel okay now. on the journey, standing on the path and wanting to continue padding down it. slowly, one day at a time. grateful for the fortunes of my fate; a home, food and a mostly loving family. I am willing, to love myself, to reach inside, to breath life into my spiritual flame...
Long friday, lots of activity in the office, and then after, the excitement of going to a great show with C and his buddies. Nap before and put aside program work for convenience. Great DJ set and live show, drank quite a bit, but was aware for it all. Standing in front of the sink back at C's house, drinking 3 mugs of water, because something told me to. Grateful for that bit of wisdom in the morning, felt little hangover, just tired. Though I dropped out of a work presentation because, honestly, i really didn't want to go. Felt a bit guilty, then let it pass, and read the Dali Lama while C slept beautifully next to me. left for home in the afternoon and ate it away, into the evening. was that really just last night? feels like longer. watched a movie on netflix, then did a short, painful, exercise, my stomach was so extended i couldnt do the frog sit or i felt like i was going to throw up. but in bed by midnight and a decent sleep. up this morning with a bit of anxious energy, tried to calm my mind during stretches and reading. I was still a bit jumpy on the drive to the work presentation but felt very calm and mellow when i arrived. felt very comfortable standing in front of the 50 people in the room. sometimes i feel more confident when there are more faces, and more fidgety and hurried when there are only a few. (whoops, got distracted there, banking, facebook, and wonderful phone call from a long lost very dear friend). Visit with Ruthie and Amber and then home to a delicious roast beef dinner with the family. Mum was in her bathrobe and hair towel and aubrey was reading, and there were no terrible arguments. A bit stressed after but made a cup of tea, let go the need, felt the low hit as i denied it, but felt better watching some movie with mum. had a few cookies and then some prunes but stopped when the thought came- if i was in my own place, i would enjoy what i wanted then stop. and so i stopped. brushed my teeth and moved on. first call with my sponsor E, a very loud and laughing lady who i can imagine claire sounding like when she gets older. feel okay now. on the journey, standing on the path and wanting to continue padding down it. slowly, one day at a time. grateful for the fortunes of my fate; a home, food and a mostly loving family. I am willing, to love myself, to reach inside, to breath life into my spiritual flame...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
9:47 dining room
full day, still more left in the night, so much can happen in the space of 24 hours if i am not compulsively eating or reacting to it. life is full, and the program gives me the strength to handle and enjoy it. and the hope and courage to pray for a stronger recovery. grateful for this day, not spectacular, not dreary, level- and that is okay, good even. connecting and nurturing myself. grateful for program, for a new sponsor, for the rain at night falling on black windows that reflect the warm glow of bright bulbs under caramel shades and burgundy grape lights and white christmas lights twined around the ceiling. turning pages and taping keys, brother to my left, sister to my right, evenness...in this moment ;) grateful for my life and the choices i have in it.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
11:08 dining room
Love reigns. Inner strength shines through. I have to remember to believe in myself as well as higher powers and forces. I am in this universe, on this earth, in this space. If i don't take true care of myself, there is nothing for me. I cannot truly live life with others until i believe in my own self-worth and love myself for exactly what i am- a piece of heaven. Which we all are. Whatever soul or spirit you believe in, we are all made of the same pieces of everything around us, and when we die, we go back to the earth and to space. We are energy.
I am worthy. I am grateful. I now have a sponsor and a very committed plan, for at least the next 30 days. But all i really have to think about is today. this hour. this minute. this moment. because that is all that is real. feel time slip past you like wind. from the mystery that is before us. it really is a kind of magic, existence. i am grateful for mine. grateful for love.
I am worthy. I am grateful. I now have a sponsor and a very committed plan, for at least the next 30 days. But all i really have to think about is today. this hour. this minute. this moment. because that is all that is real. feel time slip past you like wind. from the mystery that is before us. it really is a kind of magic, existence. i am grateful for mine. grateful for love.
12:05 dining room
pleasure.
i ate tonight because it brought me pleasure, and i wanted that pleasure. had this though on the drive home too, that part of it was pleasure, and tried to think of what else brought me such sensory pleasure on the same level. connecting with other people was the first thought. sex with C was another. a small daydream. well, that wasn't going to happen tonight. brushed my teeth as soon as i put my purse and scarf down. thank god aubrey was in the kitchen, we made our lunches together, and it was pleasant and i was grateful for her. the desire arose as we finished though and i verbalized my thought, "i feel like a little snack". small bell in my head, "i shouldn't". two vitagummies. two kiwis. slowly, enjoyably. and STOPPED. brushed my teeth, again. cup of tea, up with aubrey to watch a bit of Scrubs. desire rose again, even after i texted amy that the night was safe, the heartache had been thwarted. pleasure. bread and peanut butter and banana. more bread, more pb, more banana. more bread. sugar, carbs. raisins. apple. sucker.
i am awake, but i dont want to be. i want to sleep. a very strange sense of pleasure, brushing my teeth for the third time. 'i'm still thin. i can keep doing this.' terrifying. this disease, baffling, cunning. trying to tie together my body image and self-worth, trying to drag me down the road of insanity. succeeding.
afraid to think of tomorrow. afraid to move, to realize the damage. afraid of my inability to think of failing again.
please help me god, please help me. i will find a sponsor.
i don't want to escape. i want to be part of life, saturated in it. present, here, focused. i read news articles and watch documentaries now rather. im still present. for most of it. but do i have to keep doing this? no. slowly, slowly, slowly (painfully) i will let go of the disease and fully embrace life and myself and God. who embraces me with so much love its hard to fathom. listening to a book on tape about God's purpose for you. very bible-y but interesting concepts. would like to explore all religions and spiritual paths. abstinent. so i can face myself and God. a deep conviction grabbed me after the two kiwis, a painful wince across my face, as if from a invisible slap, and i turned around to brush my teeth, the second time, after the two kiwis.
but the desire was too strong the third time. tempt it i shall not, or suffer. a safe location, my bedroom is where i need to go, to be. to sit, to feel, to live through the confusion.
awake, so awake. slightly numb. full, but not uncomfortably. afraid, afraid of getting fat (i wont mince words, honesty is a pillar of program). but accepting it for what it is. realizing its ridiculous to associate fat with worth. but its hardwired into my brain and going to take a while to rewire.
going to lie in bed, breath, pray, hope for sleep.
god. higher powers. please help me through my confusion. this great confusion.
i ate tonight because it brought me pleasure, and i wanted that pleasure. had this though on the drive home too, that part of it was pleasure, and tried to think of what else brought me such sensory pleasure on the same level. connecting with other people was the first thought. sex with C was another. a small daydream. well, that wasn't going to happen tonight. brushed my teeth as soon as i put my purse and scarf down. thank god aubrey was in the kitchen, we made our lunches together, and it was pleasant and i was grateful for her. the desire arose as we finished though and i verbalized my thought, "i feel like a little snack". small bell in my head, "i shouldn't". two vitagummies. two kiwis. slowly, enjoyably. and STOPPED. brushed my teeth, again. cup of tea, up with aubrey to watch a bit of Scrubs. desire rose again, even after i texted amy that the night was safe, the heartache had been thwarted. pleasure. bread and peanut butter and banana. more bread, more pb, more banana. more bread. sugar, carbs. raisins. apple. sucker.
i am awake, but i dont want to be. i want to sleep. a very strange sense of pleasure, brushing my teeth for the third time. 'i'm still thin. i can keep doing this.' terrifying. this disease, baffling, cunning. trying to tie together my body image and self-worth, trying to drag me down the road of insanity. succeeding.
afraid to think of tomorrow. afraid to move, to realize the damage. afraid of my inability to think of failing again.
please help me god, please help me. i will find a sponsor.
i don't want to escape. i want to be part of life, saturated in it. present, here, focused. i read news articles and watch documentaries now rather. im still present. for most of it. but do i have to keep doing this? no. slowly, slowly, slowly (painfully) i will let go of the disease and fully embrace life and myself and God. who embraces me with so much love its hard to fathom. listening to a book on tape about God's purpose for you. very bible-y but interesting concepts. would like to explore all religions and spiritual paths. abstinent. so i can face myself and God. a deep conviction grabbed me after the two kiwis, a painful wince across my face, as if from a invisible slap, and i turned around to brush my teeth, the second time, after the two kiwis.
but the desire was too strong the third time. tempt it i shall not, or suffer. a safe location, my bedroom is where i need to go, to be. to sit, to feel, to live through the confusion.
awake, so awake. slightly numb. full, but not uncomfortably. afraid, afraid of getting fat (i wont mince words, honesty is a pillar of program). but accepting it for what it is. realizing its ridiculous to associate fat with worth. but its hardwired into my brain and going to take a while to rewire.
going to lie in bed, breath, pray, hope for sleep.
god. higher powers. please help me through my confusion. this great confusion.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
10:16 dining room
i feel spiritually low. and physically discomforted.
poor things today started when i got home and started eating. felt low, anxious, without direction. continued until now, multiple sessions of binging and distraction.
good things today started with a clear wake up. no hangover (from last nights great dinner party and long crazy funk dance show and party including an MC rap at the end) though tired, and managed to ignore C's pawing. Did have good sex a bit later. He looked like a caveman, big beautiful blue eyes glowing out of dark scruffy hair and beard. hang around a bit, lunch at subway, hang with amber.
home and let myself eat a carrot. NO. i need to stick with the food plan. its discipline gives me the freedom to live other areas of my life.
i need a sponsor. i want to move on. i want to work the steps. i need help, i can't do this alone. i think accepting and welcoming a sponsor is finally, truly accepting this.
god help me help myself. let myself fall into this tonight. its not okay, it will never be okay. i need structure, i need support.
i want to be home. i dont want to have to stay at other people's places, i dont want to run.
god help me, help myself.
eating slow helps, but not when im eating outside my eating plan. a week commitment after signing a form at the health fare we worked at last saturday. if my paper gets drawn, i get a free hour of nutritionist consultation. also got a pair of free socks, woohoo!
wondering if i should go in late tomorrow, so i can exercise in the morning. previously, this would have been a negative reaction to binging, but I havn't exercised in a long time, and i think i need the movement and blood flow to lift my attitude and energy for the rest of the day.
"You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
- Christopher Robin to Pooh
grateful for shelter. really not feeling grateful right now, but I know i have so many things to be thankful for. thankful that its not too late, and i can still get a decent sleep. grateful for forgiveness, that i don't have to purge tonight.
poor things today started when i got home and started eating. felt low, anxious, without direction. continued until now, multiple sessions of binging and distraction.
good things today started with a clear wake up. no hangover (from last nights great dinner party and long crazy funk dance show and party including an MC rap at the end) though tired, and managed to ignore C's pawing. Did have good sex a bit later. He looked like a caveman, big beautiful blue eyes glowing out of dark scruffy hair and beard. hang around a bit, lunch at subway, hang with amber.
home and let myself eat a carrot. NO. i need to stick with the food plan. its discipline gives me the freedom to live other areas of my life.
i need a sponsor. i want to move on. i want to work the steps. i need help, i can't do this alone. i think accepting and welcoming a sponsor is finally, truly accepting this.
god help me help myself. let myself fall into this tonight. its not okay, it will never be okay. i need structure, i need support.
i want to be home. i dont want to have to stay at other people's places, i dont want to run.
god help me, help myself.
eating slow helps, but not when im eating outside my eating plan. a week commitment after signing a form at the health fare we worked at last saturday. if my paper gets drawn, i get a free hour of nutritionist consultation. also got a pair of free socks, woohoo!
wondering if i should go in late tomorrow, so i can exercise in the morning. previously, this would have been a negative reaction to binging, but I havn't exercised in a long time, and i think i need the movement and blood flow to lift my attitude and energy for the rest of the day.
"You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
- Christopher Robin to Pooh
grateful for shelter. really not feeling grateful right now, but I know i have so many things to be thankful for. thankful that its not too late, and i can still get a decent sleep. grateful for forgiveness, that i don't have to purge tonight.
Friday, January 8, 2010
11:53 bedroom
Midnight has crept upon me swiftly, though not unpleasantly. A moment of extreme focus, i can definitely say a high, settled over me in a slow bite and crunch and wet squish of green beans in cottonseed oil. A moment of lift. A very good day.
UP, incredulously, at 7:36, to the call of my bladder, 9 minutes before my phone would sing with alarm. Sleepy, but not exhausted as I dishearteningly feared before falling asleep last night. My usual morning routine, slightly dampened, but let go to the music and ate a full breakfast and quickly packed a good lunch. all after a sad and emotional and tear-streaked-cheeks-night. Work unusually full of activity, especially for a friday. A very nice long chat with dad while i typed emails and printed off some documents, an hour actually. I really do love him, and see how he is changing, and feel protective of him. I want him to be engaged and peaceful. Him and Sherry are a very odd couple. Talked of Jim and Shayla. He is getting very bank-erish, she is growing very tall. a long very good lunch with C. savory and delicious sandwiches from Salumi and a yummy curry lentil soup, even though it looked like a bowl of dijon. Deep to hectic kisses and fondling in the kitchen to the bedroom and a beautiful and enjoyable and happy love making in the soft white afternoon light streaming through linen curtains. energized afterwards, enough to reveal to C about my hard night, and was gratified with his comfort. Giddy schoolgirlish walk back to work, almost 2 hours later, but no one really minded, or they would have said something. half of leftovers to katie and david, and a nice short talk with them. afternoon passed quickly, meeting and then the evening was upon me. stayed late to wait for a volunteer to pick up supples, rain pouring as i helped her carry them to her trunk. stayed late, reading material, eating a snack of pistachios and orange. seriously considered walking to the grocery store, but dediced that was not the best choice. to the friday night meeting, and arrived early enough to walk around a few blocks with my umbrella, a very good choice. a good meeting, i led, a bit tired and sleepily but very much listening. backed into another woman's car as i was leaving, on the phone to B. I will see if she calls tomorrow. What will be will be. And I will not use my phone while i am driving. part not hitting anybody, part present focus. home, to tea and minutes of a movie with jerry and luke, to short talk with mum, to dinner. Larger than set and expansive into binge territory...but the green beans spoke to me. the carrots first, wanting me to eat them with movie pause slowness. so present, so aware. and a miracle. i was done. i Wanted to get up and go brush my teeth, not eat any of the cookies sprayed across the table and cutting board. A blessing.
If I show up; if i am present and focused and slow about movements and thoughts- the need will be lifted and i can move through to serenity. amazing. breathing. focus. feeling. conscious thought. thank you. A tea and movie with luke about Petra. A shower. Reading, then bed. A miracle, a blessing, I am humbled by the strength that is inside me, and the power that lifted me.
Work tomorrow. And that is okay. a little good even :) having a schedule to continue. good habits to follow. and another day to be present. grateful for this day. for this abstinence. for OA leading me on a spiritual path of recovery. i pray for the strength to continue to love myself and therefore love others.
UP, incredulously, at 7:36, to the call of my bladder, 9 minutes before my phone would sing with alarm. Sleepy, but not exhausted as I dishearteningly feared before falling asleep last night. My usual morning routine, slightly dampened, but let go to the music and ate a full breakfast and quickly packed a good lunch. all after a sad and emotional and tear-streaked-cheeks-night. Work unusually full of activity, especially for a friday. A very nice long chat with dad while i typed emails and printed off some documents, an hour actually. I really do love him, and see how he is changing, and feel protective of him. I want him to be engaged and peaceful. Him and Sherry are a very odd couple. Talked of Jim and Shayla. He is getting very bank-erish, she is growing very tall. a long very good lunch with C. savory and delicious sandwiches from Salumi and a yummy curry lentil soup, even though it looked like a bowl of dijon. Deep to hectic kisses and fondling in the kitchen to the bedroom and a beautiful and enjoyable and happy love making in the soft white afternoon light streaming through linen curtains. energized afterwards, enough to reveal to C about my hard night, and was gratified with his comfort. Giddy schoolgirlish walk back to work, almost 2 hours later, but no one really minded, or they would have said something. half of leftovers to katie and david, and a nice short talk with them. afternoon passed quickly, meeting and then the evening was upon me. stayed late to wait for a volunteer to pick up supples, rain pouring as i helped her carry them to her trunk. stayed late, reading material, eating a snack of pistachios and orange. seriously considered walking to the grocery store, but dediced that was not the best choice. to the friday night meeting, and arrived early enough to walk around a few blocks with my umbrella, a very good choice. a good meeting, i led, a bit tired and sleepily but very much listening. backed into another woman's car as i was leaving, on the phone to B. I will see if she calls tomorrow. What will be will be. And I will not use my phone while i am driving. part not hitting anybody, part present focus. home, to tea and minutes of a movie with jerry and luke, to short talk with mum, to dinner. Larger than set and expansive into binge territory...but the green beans spoke to me. the carrots first, wanting me to eat them with movie pause slowness. so present, so aware. and a miracle. i was done. i Wanted to get up and go brush my teeth, not eat any of the cookies sprayed across the table and cutting board. A blessing.
If I show up; if i am present and focused and slow about movements and thoughts- the need will be lifted and i can move through to serenity. amazing. breathing. focus. feeling. conscious thought. thank you. A tea and movie with luke about Petra. A shower. Reading, then bed. A miracle, a blessing, I am humbled by the strength that is inside me, and the power that lifted me.
Work tomorrow. And that is okay. a little good even :) having a schedule to continue. good habits to follow. and another day to be present. grateful for this day. for this abstinence. for OA leading me on a spiritual path of recovery. i pray for the strength to continue to love myself and therefore love others.
12:07 bedroom
I cannot say yes or no to a binge. that is not in my control. I have no control over binging. At no point can I say, "Im okay, i feel good, there is no worry." It will always be there, waiting, if I let my guard down. That is tonight's lesson.
I will not give up. The choice is mine to use my problems as stepping stones or stumbling blocks. For each mistake, I can use it to place a brick on the path ahead of me, and follow the brick road home. I choose not to live my life unhappy and depressed, though I am fighting it. I accept this disease/illness of my being, and that is half the battle. "I have to live with this disease the rest of my life, but that's okay because the Twelve Steps give me a path to follow."
Im learning to cry, im learning to laugh, im learning to feel. very slowly. how can i go to the office tomorrow? and pretend like everything is normal? that i can control myself? that i am not a subject to food? it may at times master me, but i do not have to be a slave to it. I do well all day, and it would be hard for anyone to come home and not snack, let alone let alone someone whose spiritual confusion and old habits seem to rule her life sometimes.
its okay paradie. we can try again tomorrow.
okay. i will sleep and pray and rest now. grateful for hope.
I will not give up. The choice is mine to use my problems as stepping stones or stumbling blocks. For each mistake, I can use it to place a brick on the path ahead of me, and follow the brick road home. I choose not to live my life unhappy and depressed, though I am fighting it. I accept this disease/illness of my being, and that is half the battle. "I have to live with this disease the rest of my life, but that's okay because the Twelve Steps give me a path to follow."
Im learning to cry, im learning to laugh, im learning to feel. very slowly. how can i go to the office tomorrow? and pretend like everything is normal? that i can control myself? that i am not a subject to food? it may at times master me, but i do not have to be a slave to it. I do well all day, and it would be hard for anyone to come home and not snack, let alone let alone someone whose spiritual confusion and old habits seem to rule her life sometimes.
its okay paradie. we can try again tomorrow.
okay. i will sleep and pray and rest now. grateful for hope.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
11:18 bedroom
A few phrases in the second part of This Emotional Life on PBS tonight made my mouth hang open and my eyes widen. Remarks about how our brain can get used to a situation and make itself think that its status quo is acceptable, even good. They had a scientific name for it, meaning our brain's ability to adapt itself to a situation, good or bad. Earlier, sitting on the couch I felt an extremely clear, rational consciousness take over. My belly was extended to the point of pain, and i was curled tight into myself, though my arm was draped over the back of the sofa. Contrasts, like like rational versus emotional. As before, when the emotional side of my brain and body took over and ate to suppress the emotions that were arising. Uncertainty and its children fear and anxiety. Again, I feel like it was terrible, that I went through that. I want, I pray, I need to be in a place where I have ways and means to be able to confront the uncertainty and anxiety that arises when I feel the need to eat. And before. I need to be able to face the night, to face my future. To put the fear of the future away, and focus on the present. Be in the moment. Progress is happening, but I need, want, pray for some real changes. I want to stop eating compulsively. And working the program helps, but going to meetings doesn't necessarily, because I just come home and binge. I don't want to run, I want to face it. The body image, the moments of low-self worth. To be able to enjoy this time NOW, realize now is all i have. I can make this day exactly what I want it to be, i just need to let go of reservations and put a little faith in a higher power, and breath deeply. Let love into my life.Let go of worry and fear, and believe, pray, hope that everything will work out as it should. Let go and let god. Let it be.
A strange thought about my hair in the shower tonight, as i was trying to let go of body image, and how much of the anxiety about overeating is from fear of being fat. Why do I have long hair? If I was on a deserted jungle island, I would not want to be hard core and beautiful. I would want to be carefree in the sun with short hair that i wouldn't have to take care of ;) I need to imagine myself on a deserted island more often. Let go of thinking others are judging me, let go of thinking others have expectations for me. Everyone is concerned with their own. Everyone is being taken care of by their own higher power. I worry though, that they aren't, that I need to help them. But how can i really help them, how can i realy care, if I don't care about my own life. How can I show someone the beauty of their existence if I question and doubt my own worth...? Being fit is always been a part of me, part of what i strive for. Always striving. What if i just let it go? and was who i am? became fat? who would really care? Men, i say in my head, I wouldn't be attractive to them. That is an issue I would like to tackle. Feeling like I need to be attractive to men. Like that is inherently my self-worth and when i am not fit (strange, not so much beauty, but fitness), when I am not fit, I am not worthy. Maybe because weight is so much an indicator or my struggle. That if I'm fit, i am 'free' or i am 'containing' it. I know being fit has no indication on my long term serenity, 23 years has proven that. So i have a choice, to let go of old choices, and make new responses to old habits. And I am not alone, I am never alone. I am tired. I am sad, I am feeling a bit lost and scared and overwhelmed. But there is peace here, in this piece of the world, in this moment and I am grateful for that. I can let go of the past, and enjoy the serenity of the moment. Grateful for Love, the hope of it, the beauty of it. Pray for balance between emotion and rationality. Pray for guidance. Grateful for the determination to go through with something I actually feel like i want to do. I can't yet knit, but I can cast on, and that is truly the beginning :)
A strange thought about my hair in the shower tonight, as i was trying to let go of body image, and how much of the anxiety about overeating is from fear of being fat. Why do I have long hair? If I was on a deserted jungle island, I would not want to be hard core and beautiful. I would want to be carefree in the sun with short hair that i wouldn't have to take care of ;) I need to imagine myself on a deserted island more often. Let go of thinking others are judging me, let go of thinking others have expectations for me. Everyone is concerned with their own. Everyone is being taken care of by their own higher power. I worry though, that they aren't, that I need to help them. But how can i really help them, how can i realy care, if I don't care about my own life. How can I show someone the beauty of their existence if I question and doubt my own worth...? Being fit is always been a part of me, part of what i strive for. Always striving. What if i just let it go? and was who i am? became fat? who would really care? Men, i say in my head, I wouldn't be attractive to them. That is an issue I would like to tackle. Feeling like I need to be attractive to men. Like that is inherently my self-worth and when i am not fit (strange, not so much beauty, but fitness), when I am not fit, I am not worthy. Maybe because weight is so much an indicator or my struggle. That if I'm fit, i am 'free' or i am 'containing' it. I know being fit has no indication on my long term serenity, 23 years has proven that. So i have a choice, to let go of old choices, and make new responses to old habits. And I am not alone, I am never alone. I am tired. I am sad, I am feeling a bit lost and scared and overwhelmed. But there is peace here, in this piece of the world, in this moment and I am grateful for that. I can let go of the past, and enjoy the serenity of the moment. Grateful for Love, the hope of it, the beauty of it. Pray for balance between emotion and rationality. Pray for guidance. Grateful for the determination to go through with something I actually feel like i want to do. I can't yet knit, but I can cast on, and that is truly the beginning :)
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
11:53 bedroom
"How my day goes depends on how I see my problems. If I think of them as stumbling blocks, I;ll probably be uptight and frustrated. But if I try to use y problems as stepping-stones to find out more about myself, today can be an important step in my growth. Admitting I'm wrong ca be a stepping-stone to being honest and humble. Working on an assignment I've put off can make tme more responsible. Letting go of one of my fears can help me find faith in a Higher Power. Stepping-stones or stumbling block-the choice is mine. No one can tell me how I should feel about today. That right belongs to me alone. I'll be a lot farther ahead if I don't let my problems get me down. They can make me stronger today if I use them to dig deeper into the program." -Jan. 5th One Day at a Time
Slower to anger, longer for anxiety to manifest. Patience growing. Feeling of guidance burning stronger. Moments bright and clear. Shimmers of understanding.
Still the overeating, the holding back.
Sandwiched by reflection and humble forgiveness of my imperfection. Letting go of body image, understanding how low self worth figures into this. I don't feel worthy of recovery. Without the post-motivation of a binge, I have waves of sadness and apathy.
Tonight was the first class in a 8 week series for intro to painting. 3 hours of a lesson in patience if nothing else. An older man, a very long time to say things, tangents galore. But wisdom, and simplicity and in that serenity, in between laughs and raised eyebrows. I think this class will be good for me, I feel its right-ness, as much as I let a deep breath out because of its slow pace, and seeming random and useless meandering. many deep breaths. but truly, the long introduction of every class member was fascinating. what people said about themselves, how they said it, spoke leagues about them. It will be interesting to see how the first impressions I have made change over the course of two months. And if they change, because I change. I think it would be hard not to change in 8 weeks. I would be sad not to.
I skipped a service meeting tonight, but I didn't feel bad about it. Nurturing my friendships is an okay pass, I feel. I don't want to feel any more resentful against OA than I already do- as grateful for it as I am.
What will come will come. I want a fit body, but that will take time, and I may never achieve the image I have in my head, but I may gain much much more. Confidence to try and do anything, regardless of my hips or arms or thighs or belly. They are a part of me, and I want them healthy, but they will never be perfect. If they are, my mind will be dark, and my spirit broken. More so than it has ever been.
I pray for humility and compassion and the courage to reach out to others in my time of need. To love myself and have confidence in my self-worth so that I can nurture myself with every bit of my being. I pray for the strength to be honest, with myself, with everyone around me, with Higher Powers and forces. Grateful for small crystals of understanding and honesty that do come and the strength to embrace them. Understanding I would like to stay at C's tomorrow night, but only because it is a 'safe zone'. And I don't want that garden relationship to harden into walls that crumble. A tough night with him last night, trouble sleeping, anxiety about not being able to sleep. A strange dream, and a huge relief upon waking, to realize it wasn't real. A house on the water, C's family baking, C leaving and not saying a final goodbye, an annoying girl who was his friend, Sarah and friends waking after a night of partying, spread all over the house on the water. Fighting a dragon? ...
Awake now, from carbs. I will put on a zen cd and deeply breath and pray for peace and love for myself, for the world, for the universe.
Slower to anger, longer for anxiety to manifest. Patience growing. Feeling of guidance burning stronger. Moments bright and clear. Shimmers of understanding.
Still the overeating, the holding back.
Sandwiched by reflection and humble forgiveness of my imperfection. Letting go of body image, understanding how low self worth figures into this. I don't feel worthy of recovery. Without the post-motivation of a binge, I have waves of sadness and apathy.
Tonight was the first class in a 8 week series for intro to painting. 3 hours of a lesson in patience if nothing else. An older man, a very long time to say things, tangents galore. But wisdom, and simplicity and in that serenity, in between laughs and raised eyebrows. I think this class will be good for me, I feel its right-ness, as much as I let a deep breath out because of its slow pace, and seeming random and useless meandering. many deep breaths. but truly, the long introduction of every class member was fascinating. what people said about themselves, how they said it, spoke leagues about them. It will be interesting to see how the first impressions I have made change over the course of two months. And if they change, because I change. I think it would be hard not to change in 8 weeks. I would be sad not to.
I skipped a service meeting tonight, but I didn't feel bad about it. Nurturing my friendships is an okay pass, I feel. I don't want to feel any more resentful against OA than I already do- as grateful for it as I am.
What will come will come. I want a fit body, but that will take time, and I may never achieve the image I have in my head, but I may gain much much more. Confidence to try and do anything, regardless of my hips or arms or thighs or belly. They are a part of me, and I want them healthy, but they will never be perfect. If they are, my mind will be dark, and my spirit broken. More so than it has ever been.
I pray for humility and compassion and the courage to reach out to others in my time of need. To love myself and have confidence in my self-worth so that I can nurture myself with every bit of my being. I pray for the strength to be honest, with myself, with everyone around me, with Higher Powers and forces. Grateful for small crystals of understanding and honesty that do come and the strength to embrace them. Understanding I would like to stay at C's tomorrow night, but only because it is a 'safe zone'. And I don't want that garden relationship to harden into walls that crumble. A tough night with him last night, trouble sleeping, anxiety about not being able to sleep. A strange dream, and a huge relief upon waking, to realize it wasn't real. A house on the water, C's family baking, C leaving and not saying a final goodbye, an annoying girl who was his friend, Sarah and friends waking after a night of partying, spread all over the house on the water. Fighting a dragon? ...
Awake now, from carbs. I will put on a zen cd and deeply breath and pray for peace and love for myself, for the world, for the universe.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
8:49 computer room
101st post. how far have i come?
tired, tired of being tired. knowing what has to come. dedication. commitment. hard choices. sacrifices. tough choices. but for a good end, i believe in the good never-ending changes...
confusion, fearful anxiety, old habits of how i cope with these; this is my eating disorder. also maybe an underlying depression and concern about purpose and meaning. but i can change the upper level problems and through those solutions, dig into the deeper levels. i dont think the layers can be categorized by light or dark or thick or thin. they are themselves, but the former overlay the latter, they hide them.
i am not exercising tonight, though my old mind cries for that. i am tired. i'm going to take a relaxing shower, meditate and sleep. this is what my integrated self needs and is coming to want. true healing and health.
grateful for peace and serenity, though mostly i really don't understand how i have it. but thankful to the powers of the universe for helping me embrace it.
a long day. many thoughts, states of consciousness. which doesn't bother me anymore. it is part of who i am, and can reveal to me more about what im feeling at different times.
grateful for bounty. cooking seems to help, the preparation of food, especially sharing with others. food becomes a nurturing bond rather than something to be hated and reviled. food is nourishing and life-sustaining and a connection between people. i need to let go of the negative associations that i have developed with it. put the old relationship with food behind me, learn from those mistakes, and refresh the relationship.
grateful for friends, for siblings, for family.
tired, tired of being tired. knowing what has to come. dedication. commitment. hard choices. sacrifices. tough choices. but for a good end, i believe in the good never-ending changes...
confusion, fearful anxiety, old habits of how i cope with these; this is my eating disorder. also maybe an underlying depression and concern about purpose and meaning. but i can change the upper level problems and through those solutions, dig into the deeper levels. i dont think the layers can be categorized by light or dark or thick or thin. they are themselves, but the former overlay the latter, they hide them.
i am not exercising tonight, though my old mind cries for that. i am tired. i'm going to take a relaxing shower, meditate and sleep. this is what my integrated self needs and is coming to want. true healing and health.
grateful for peace and serenity, though mostly i really don't understand how i have it. but thankful to the powers of the universe for helping me embrace it.
a long day. many thoughts, states of consciousness. which doesn't bother me anymore. it is part of who i am, and can reveal to me more about what im feeling at different times.
grateful for bounty. cooking seems to help, the preparation of food, especially sharing with others. food becomes a nurturing bond rather than something to be hated and reviled. food is nourishing and life-sustaining and a connection between people. i need to let go of the negative associations that i have developed with it. put the old relationship with food behind me, learn from those mistakes, and refresh the relationship.
grateful for friends, for siblings, for family.
Friday, January 1, 2010
11:42 dining room
A year ago, this month, I attended my first OA meeting. A year. To be honest with myself, I've come a long way. I still rough roads to travel through the spiritual disorder and addiction, but the journey has long since started. My healing and recovery are seeded and sprouting. Now I must put all my energy and compassion and patience into not cutting them down before they bud. But i take heart! I firmly believe as firm as the roots are planted, I will always have hope, and as long as I see the light of each new day, there is a promise of change. Of goodness, of magic, of miracles, of serenity. With the dark comes the light, with the sadness comes the joy, with the pain comes solace and rest. Like Emily Dickinson's poem;
"Water, is taught by thirst.
Land—by the Oceans passed.
Transport—by throe—
Peace—by its battles told—
Love, by Memorial Mold—
Birds, by the Snow."
I have a better appreciation of life with brushes of dark thoughts and despair across my body, mind and spirit- my being.
I am starting to feel my body, really feel it, feel a part of it. joined with it. I overate tonight, but I am compassionate and loving and patient with myself. It is over, and I have regained the moment, I am present. I am tired though, very tired. I ended eating in the evening, but ate again as a wave of rebellion against sleep and hangover came over me.
New years eve celebration was very good, a nice and slightly amusingly akward dinner with C and another couple then back to his place for mimosa, mixed with entertainment. Walk to and ride on the light rail, strange, made seattle feel more like a real city. Part ways and head to the show. Caught the end of the last song of Fresh Espresso as we got our stamps. Aqueduct a fun surprise. Break to the men's bathroom (women's line was too long) for a perk. Thinking about it afterwards, I wouldn't have been so bold without the champagne and screwdrivers rolling around in my bloodstream ;p Back to dance gaily and lovingly with Creighton. Countdown with U.S.E. Arms wrapped around me, lifted and spun around. Two of the last people on the floor, we left around 2 as I came down. I wish it hadn't of bothered me so much, but I think the mix of alcohol was a bad choice for the end result. Met with Katie for a short walk, then wait for a while for a taxi. Sitting on a large cement flower container, in the midst of downtown shopping lights, singing softly, legs kept warm between C's, head resting against his stomach, my muscles and jaw still tight. Chilled at his home, a brief and welcome hot rinse and sit in the bath. Tired. Sleep. Woke thirsty this morning. A long day today. A nice morning, loving but not totally at ease. Home and eat. Rest then eat. Rest then eat. But not all bad. Netflix with luke, short conversations with mum.
"A new year. A new day. A new beginning. How do we become new?
This year holds out the possibility that we can learn from the past but not be bound by it. That we can move away from self-defeating habits. That we can come to better understand how much is enough, especially how much food is enough. Not too much, not too little, just...enough. As we learn how much food is enough, we can also learn how much is enough in other areas of life. How much work, how much play, how much money, how much sex, how many possessions. We don't need to make resolutions for learning all of this perfectly. Resolutions can set us up for disappointment. We will not be perfect today or any day. But we can be open to the possibilities that this moment, this hour, and this day bring. Today we can look for new ways to respond to old problems. We can listen to our inner voice. May new light's beginning be the next step in my recovery."
Grateful for electricity. Grateful for pause. Grateful for life. Grateful for curiosity. Grateful for need. I humbly ask for help. Please- God, Higher Powers, Guiding Spirit, Mother Earth- whatever you are, wherever you are; please embrace me and surround me with your love, so that I may hold it inside and nurture it and shine and warm others with it; please guide me to the Serenity to accept the things i cannot Change, the Courage to Change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
"Water, is taught by thirst.
Land—by the Oceans passed.
Transport—by throe—
Peace—by its battles told—
Love, by Memorial Mold—
Birds, by the Snow."
I have a better appreciation of life with brushes of dark thoughts and despair across my body, mind and spirit- my being.
I am starting to feel my body, really feel it, feel a part of it. joined with it. I overate tonight, but I am compassionate and loving and patient with myself. It is over, and I have regained the moment, I am present. I am tired though, very tired. I ended eating in the evening, but ate again as a wave of rebellion against sleep and hangover came over me.
New years eve celebration was very good, a nice and slightly amusingly akward dinner with C and another couple then back to his place for mimosa, mixed with entertainment. Walk to and ride on the light rail, strange, made seattle feel more like a real city. Part ways and head to the show. Caught the end of the last song of Fresh Espresso as we got our stamps. Aqueduct a fun surprise. Break to the men's bathroom (women's line was too long) for a perk. Thinking about it afterwards, I wouldn't have been so bold without the champagne and screwdrivers rolling around in my bloodstream ;p Back to dance gaily and lovingly with Creighton. Countdown with U.S.E. Arms wrapped around me, lifted and spun around. Two of the last people on the floor, we left around 2 as I came down. I wish it hadn't of bothered me so much, but I think the mix of alcohol was a bad choice for the end result. Met with Katie for a short walk, then wait for a while for a taxi. Sitting on a large cement flower container, in the midst of downtown shopping lights, singing softly, legs kept warm between C's, head resting against his stomach, my muscles and jaw still tight. Chilled at his home, a brief and welcome hot rinse and sit in the bath. Tired. Sleep. Woke thirsty this morning. A long day today. A nice morning, loving but not totally at ease. Home and eat. Rest then eat. Rest then eat. But not all bad. Netflix with luke, short conversations with mum.
"A new year. A new day. A new beginning. How do we become new?
This year holds out the possibility that we can learn from the past but not be bound by it. That we can move away from self-defeating habits. That we can come to better understand how much is enough, especially how much food is enough. Not too much, not too little, just...enough. As we learn how much food is enough, we can also learn how much is enough in other areas of life. How much work, how much play, how much money, how much sex, how many possessions. We don't need to make resolutions for learning all of this perfectly. Resolutions can set us up for disappointment. We will not be perfect today or any day. But we can be open to the possibilities that this moment, this hour, and this day bring. Today we can look for new ways to respond to old problems. We can listen to our inner voice. May new light's beginning be the next step in my recovery."
Grateful for electricity. Grateful for pause. Grateful for life. Grateful for curiosity. Grateful for need. I humbly ask for help. Please- God, Higher Powers, Guiding Spirit, Mother Earth- whatever you are, wherever you are; please embrace me and surround me with your love, so that I may hold it inside and nurture it and shine and warm others with it; please guide me to the Serenity to accept the things i cannot Change, the Courage to Change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
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