9:08 computer room

I write.
Today is today, thats all that matters. What has happened today, what have I done, how have I felt, how have I acted.
Rush pour let go fo the fears inside, release, let them out. I don't...Free me off them. I will sit with them and stare and snarl and face them. The deeper the insights the harder the backlash of the fear. The greater the feelings of freedom, the weakest the moments of...fear.
I surrender. I am willing to surrender completely. I need support. I need focus. presence. attention. awareness.
a dive out of an airplane without a parachute tonight. i saw the open door, i went and stood next to it. i fell out. i let myself free fall.
the mental obsession. the physical craving. and im sick. a terrible combination.
i overate tonight like i had never experienced OA or any spiritual guidance. I overate a meal, then I overate on junk food. junk food. chips, cake, ice cream, sauce. thinking about it makes me feel like a cement block. incredulously dense. it was not enjoyable. it was self-destructive. it was beyond insanity, it was a total loss of self awareness. some moments in between, a desperate reach out to reality, but muted and weightless.
i reach out now. to myself. to the universe. to other hearts and minds.
I have compassion, i have humility. i also have selfish directives and self-seeking prerogatives. i pray, i plead, to be consumed by the former and escaped from the latter. i have come to believe in the deep wisdom and deep goodness of me. that makes up who i am.
i know i am without knowledge of my direction or purpose in life. i can have insights and glimpses of larger schemes. and ultimately i probably will die unknowing of my part in the tapestry of life. and i ask, to be released of the bondage of self and pride and vanity. to be released into the world as a dart of light, flitting into dark spaces, glowing with love and hope and understanding.
i pray for spiritual enlightenment. I pray to be guided to strength and courage to face my fears. to know myself better, to have all honesty with myself and others. to know when i am weak, and rest. to know when i am strong, and go forward.
what am i right now...i am defeated. i am tired and ill in my body. my mind is fighting numbness that holds emotional pain at bay. my spirit is empty.
i pray to follow the cure. let go of perfectionism. let go of the need to control. let go of the lust for approval.
patience. I court you. Humour, i nurture you. with poo.
and so the sky darkens again and i am grateful to close my eyes in a warm dry place.
i am overwhelmed by opportunity. i am spoiled. i need to take my responsibilities, as a worker, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, with more gravity and a stronger embrace.
thank you for my life. please, Universe, help me be present for each moment.
thank you for my life, thank you for your love.