GodPower. How do we connect?
Through Love. Through Anger, sometime it feels like it.
Through humbleness.
Through gratitude.
Through thankfulness.
Through whole-hearted caring.
Through unselfish compassion.
Through serene meditation.
Through emptying the mind and opening to mystery, doubt, uncertainty. Opening to the window of the unknown.
Connecting to a deeper self, an older self, a wiser self, a self that has lived through generations and generations, the history and knowledge and wisdom of our genes that have moved in our ancestors, that have move our ancestors.
Through Love.
Love. Great Love. That brings Joy and Sorrow. And connects us to the awesomeness and terrifying beauty of Life.
The Oneness of everything. Everything and Nothing. All connected. All connected. All connected.
Such a mystery. Known mystery. I need to put away my anxiety and Breath. And that is all. To sink into the mystery. To connect with a GodPower. The creator. destroyer. giver. ender. Practice.
Practice. It all takes Practice.
Night.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
9:08 computer room
I write.
Today is today, thats all that matters. What has happened today, what have I done, how have I felt, how have I acted.
Rush pour let go fo the fears inside, release, let them out. I don't...Free me off them. I will sit with them and stare and snarl and face them. The deeper the insights the harder the backlash of the fear. The greater the feelings of freedom, the weakest the moments of...fear.
I surrender. I am willing to surrender completely. I need support. I need focus. presence. attention. awareness.
a dive out of an airplane without a parachute tonight. i saw the open door, i went and stood next to it. i fell out. i let myself free fall.
the mental obsession. the physical craving. and im sick. a terrible combination.
i overate tonight like i had never experienced OA or any spiritual guidance. I overate a meal, then I overate on junk food. junk food. chips, cake, ice cream, sauce. thinking about it makes me feel like a cement block. incredulously dense. it was not enjoyable. it was self-destructive. it was beyond insanity, it was a total loss of self awareness. some moments in between, a desperate reach out to reality, but muted and weightless.
i reach out now. to myself. to the universe. to other hearts and minds.
I have compassion, i have humility. i also have selfish directives and self-seeking prerogatives. i pray, i plead, to be consumed by the former and escaped from the latter. i have come to believe in the deep wisdom and deep goodness of me. that makes up who i am.
i know i am without knowledge of my direction or purpose in life. i can have insights and glimpses of larger schemes. and ultimately i probably will die unknowing of my part in the tapestry of life. and i ask, to be released of the bondage of self and pride and vanity. to be released into the world as a dart of light, flitting into dark spaces, glowing with love and hope and understanding.
i pray for spiritual enlightenment. I pray to be guided to strength and courage to face my fears. to know myself better, to have all honesty with myself and others. to know when i am weak, and rest. to know when i am strong, and go forward.
what am i right now...i am defeated. i am tired and ill in my body. my mind is fighting numbness that holds emotional pain at bay. my spirit is empty.
i pray to follow the cure. let go of perfectionism. let go of the need to control. let go of the lust for approval.
patience. I court you. Humour, i nurture you. with poo.
and so the sky darkens again and i am grateful to close my eyes in a warm dry place.
i am overwhelmed by opportunity. i am spoiled. i need to take my responsibilities, as a worker, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, with more gravity and a stronger embrace.
thank you for my life. please, Universe, help me be present for each moment.
thank you for my life, thank you for your love.
Today is today, thats all that matters. What has happened today, what have I done, how have I felt, how have I acted.
Rush pour let go fo the fears inside, release, let them out. I don't...Free me off them. I will sit with them and stare and snarl and face them. The deeper the insights the harder the backlash of the fear. The greater the feelings of freedom, the weakest the moments of...fear.
I surrender. I am willing to surrender completely. I need support. I need focus. presence. attention. awareness.
a dive out of an airplane without a parachute tonight. i saw the open door, i went and stood next to it. i fell out. i let myself free fall.
the mental obsession. the physical craving. and im sick. a terrible combination.
i overate tonight like i had never experienced OA or any spiritual guidance. I overate a meal, then I overate on junk food. junk food. chips, cake, ice cream, sauce. thinking about it makes me feel like a cement block. incredulously dense. it was not enjoyable. it was self-destructive. it was beyond insanity, it was a total loss of self awareness. some moments in between, a desperate reach out to reality, but muted and weightless.
i reach out now. to myself. to the universe. to other hearts and minds.
I have compassion, i have humility. i also have selfish directives and self-seeking prerogatives. i pray, i plead, to be consumed by the former and escaped from the latter. i have come to believe in the deep wisdom and deep goodness of me. that makes up who i am.
i know i am without knowledge of my direction or purpose in life. i can have insights and glimpses of larger schemes. and ultimately i probably will die unknowing of my part in the tapestry of life. and i ask, to be released of the bondage of self and pride and vanity. to be released into the world as a dart of light, flitting into dark spaces, glowing with love and hope and understanding.
i pray for spiritual enlightenment. I pray to be guided to strength and courage to face my fears. to know myself better, to have all honesty with myself and others. to know when i am weak, and rest. to know when i am strong, and go forward.
what am i right now...i am defeated. i am tired and ill in my body. my mind is fighting numbness that holds emotional pain at bay. my spirit is empty.
i pray to follow the cure. let go of perfectionism. let go of the need to control. let go of the lust for approval.
patience. I court you. Humour, i nurture you. with poo.
and so the sky darkens again and i am grateful to close my eyes in a warm dry place.
i am overwhelmed by opportunity. i am spoiled. i need to take my responsibilities, as a worker, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, with more gravity and a stronger embrace.
thank you for my life. please, Universe, help me be present for each moment.
thank you for my life, thank you for your love.
Monday, May 10, 2010
11:07 computer room
Tired is the root of the darkness. Fatigue and drain of mind, body and or spirit. I need to rest and recharge and reconnect. Every day. When I feel the energy of my core begin to shake and move away from the center, dissipate along my nerves and arteries and shake my foundations. If i ignore the warning signs, I then isolate and withdraw, from everything- myself, others, a greater connecting force. And I eat.
Tonight was a full binge. Realization in the middle and continuation with the goal of oblivion, numbness. Started around 4:00 when I was tired. Thought about not going to drum class. RED LIGHT. Positive actions as this point could have been a rest or a walk. Decided to not go and instead ate a good snack, did some errands then came home. Rested for a bit with the parents, then decided to have dinner, even though I wasn't hungry and was still tired. RED LIGHT. mum called to me to eat up in her room with her and I refrained to read the news while i ate. RED LIGHT. continued to eat, after a pause. Ignored lucas. had paltry conversation with guy.
Pause. Breath. Rest/Recharge. Reconnect. Eat meals with self/people, not glowing screens or leafy pages.
Frustrated with emotions. Stalled progress. But each day is a lesson, is a blessing, is a gift. Tonight I re-realized my need for present awareness. Of thoughts, of fears, of actions. Body image coming back into play. Whirlpool of emotions with new man. Been absent from the steps and the fellowship. Make a connection, everyday. Relax, let go, easy does it. Please guide me Spirit of the universe, let me let me move my feet. I am willing. I am grateful for your love. I am grateful to be alive.
Tonight was a full binge. Realization in the middle and continuation with the goal of oblivion, numbness. Started around 4:00 when I was tired. Thought about not going to drum class. RED LIGHT. Positive actions as this point could have been a rest or a walk. Decided to not go and instead ate a good snack, did some errands then came home. Rested for a bit with the parents, then decided to have dinner, even though I wasn't hungry and was still tired. RED LIGHT. mum called to me to eat up in her room with her and I refrained to read the news while i ate. RED LIGHT. continued to eat, after a pause. Ignored lucas. had paltry conversation with guy.
Pause. Breath. Rest/Recharge. Reconnect. Eat meals with self/people, not glowing screens or leafy pages.
Frustrated with emotions. Stalled progress. But each day is a lesson, is a blessing, is a gift. Tonight I re-realized my need for present awareness. Of thoughts, of fears, of actions. Body image coming back into play. Whirlpool of emotions with new man. Been absent from the steps and the fellowship. Make a connection, everyday. Relax, let go, easy does it. Please guide me Spirit of the universe, let me let me move my feet. I am willing. I am grateful for your love. I am grateful to be alive.
Monday, May 3, 2010
11:33 computer room
The old cravings, chocolate and sugar, are still as strong as ever when the obsession gets at its worst. Needing that spike of pleasure before the numbness before the pain. Its still amazing to me how much I can eat at one sitting as well. Compared to normal meal times where I have to split the meals because I get full before the plate is finished. I am going to write what I ate tonight because otherwise I dont think I realize how serious this addiction still is. Coleslaw, meatbeancheesechili, toast, chicken stew, peas...multiples bread (4+), blueberry muffin, nuts, multiple cereal, apple, gummy vitamins. Concern for others is growing but is pushing against an unforgiving wall of self-centeredness and selfish fear.
I think I need to begin again at the beginning, with step 1. A new love interest has shaken me up for the past few weeks, and for that time I was using his attention as a substitute for the mental obsession and physical craving. An exact substitute. I had uneasy misgivings about my actions towards him, and I think those misgivings were well founded now that I realize how much he was a replacement. Also a sadness because I feel a connection and interest in him that I can't explain otherwise, besides a natural infatuation and fondness. Which makes it more sorrowful that it comes to this- the first two nights I have disagreeable relations with him, I binge.
Life is changing, and I need to change with it.
I think I need to begin again at the beginning, with step 1. A new love interest has shaken me up for the past few weeks, and for that time I was using his attention as a substitute for the mental obsession and physical craving. An exact substitute. I had uneasy misgivings about my actions towards him, and I think those misgivings were well founded now that I realize how much he was a replacement. Also a sadness because I feel a connection and interest in him that I can't explain otherwise, besides a natural infatuation and fondness. Which makes it more sorrowful that it comes to this- the first two nights I have disagreeable relations with him, I binge.
Life is changing, and I need to change with it.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
12:18 computer room
I felt worthless tonight, without a goal or need or purpose; a feeling that grew from unfullfilment during the day. I did no giving or creating. Just meaningless being, mostly.
I need OA, to help connect me to a greater power and my inner self. To help me let go of this terrible Pride that is putting up a darn good fight against any forward movement. Tonight was a very old binge- wanting, needing, taking. I pray to a god, to gods, to a greater power and force, to fill me with compassion, to lead me to the path of Love and humility, to guide me to my own strength and courage and show me how it can be built up into a sanctuary on a mountain of Serenity.
I pray to find the courage to move my feet in the direction they are pointed.
Thank you for my life, for the beauty in it. Let me learn from its pain, to make my life, to help others lives, be more full of joy and compassion.
Grateful for understanding, when it comes. Grateful for each day, and the lessons they give to me. Grateful for a strong and flexible vessel, though it begins to slow in its response to the insanity of the mind and sickness of the spirit. Which really can be made into a good thing. I can't purge anymore, only release.
Grateful for tears. I pray to let them come.
I need OA, to help connect me to a greater power and my inner self. To help me let go of this terrible Pride that is putting up a darn good fight against any forward movement. Tonight was a very old binge- wanting, needing, taking. I pray to a god, to gods, to a greater power and force, to fill me with compassion, to lead me to the path of Love and humility, to guide me to my own strength and courage and show me how it can be built up into a sanctuary on a mountain of Serenity.
I pray to find the courage to move my feet in the direction they are pointed.
Thank you for my life, for the beauty in it. Let me learn from its pain, to make my life, to help others lives, be more full of joy and compassion.
Grateful for understanding, when it comes. Grateful for each day, and the lessons they give to me. Grateful for a strong and flexible vessel, though it begins to slow in its response to the insanity of the mind and sickness of the spirit. Which really can be made into a good thing. I can't purge anymore, only release.
Grateful for tears. I pray to let them come.
Monday, April 26, 2010
10:29 living room
Write, says aimee, so I write.
re-reading through older posts first, last entry and first entry. the latter, which is the former, hit me as raw, powerful in its emotions. Where are those emotions now? Id like to say they are more smooth, the dips and peaks of the troughs have lessened in amplitude. They still exist but are less traumatic. Though sometimes I feel without those deep undercurrents and swells, my access to creativity and passion is weakened. I need to find another way to connect to my source.
Awareness. Is Connectivity. Is Frequency; to follow Will.I.Am's philosophy. The more frequent you do an activity, the more connected you are to it, and the more aware of it. I feel this again today, the understanding of the Fellowship's guidance of constant active compassionate service. For they have found that to stay sober they MUST actively carry the message of spiritual awakening out to others still suffering.
Can i consider myself a sufferer? I can. Do I? Partly, yes. I still go through periods of retreat into selfishness and spaces lacking courage to confront and release my fears.
Let go. Let go of tension, anxiety, just breath. Generally my life is very well. I am in good health, and have security that my basic needs will be taken care of. Spiritual, mental, bodily recovery.
Here. Now. In this moment. Breath. Thats all i really have to do. And love. myself, you, creation.
Move on with the steps, take the next step and make ammends. Let go of stubborn pride and give way to spiritual serenity. You've let go of the log, now keep swimming. I now know there is a shore on the horizon, waiting to welcome me, exhausted yet strong, onto its warm banks.
re-reading through older posts first, last entry and first entry. the latter, which is the former, hit me as raw, powerful in its emotions. Where are those emotions now? Id like to say they are more smooth, the dips and peaks of the troughs have lessened in amplitude. They still exist but are less traumatic. Though sometimes I feel without those deep undercurrents and swells, my access to creativity and passion is weakened. I need to find another way to connect to my source.
Awareness. Is Connectivity. Is Frequency; to follow Will.I.Am's philosophy. The more frequent you do an activity, the more connected you are to it, and the more aware of it. I feel this again today, the understanding of the Fellowship's guidance of constant active compassionate service. For they have found that to stay sober they MUST actively carry the message of spiritual awakening out to others still suffering.
Can i consider myself a sufferer? I can. Do I? Partly, yes. I still go through periods of retreat into selfishness and spaces lacking courage to confront and release my fears.
Let go. Let go of tension, anxiety, just breath. Generally my life is very well. I am in good health, and have security that my basic needs will be taken care of. Spiritual, mental, bodily recovery.
Here. Now. In this moment. Breath. Thats all i really have to do. And love. myself, you, creation.
Move on with the steps, take the next step and make ammends. Let go of stubborn pride and give way to spiritual serenity. You've let go of the log, now keep swimming. I now know there is a shore on the horizon, waiting to welcome me, exhausted yet strong, onto its warm banks.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
1:12 am computer room
Hello Again,
Its been a while. Things have changed, and now the bar has risen higher and I must rise to its challenge.
Some cultures, like ours, Italy and Brazil also come to mind, build a false sense of self-worth and success from image. Lets embrace those cultures that let women, people, be exactly who they are, regardless of size or shape. In a way, prejudicing against ourselves for our fat, is almost like being prejudiced against oneself for being a certain color. It doesn't make any sense? You can't change your body type any more than you can change the tone of your skin. So why hate ourselves for some thing we can't change. Another way to look at it, would be like someone hating oneself for one's religion. Doesn't make any sense either. If you don't like the way you are living your life, then change it! We are the sole executors of our choices, and with support and knowledge and compassion we can change our circumstances by changing our minds. Change your attitude, heal your spirit :)
I realize this is about choice. About choosing recovery, choosing to surrender completely and in totality to the choices of recovery and guidance by my inner wisdom and Greater Forces at work in the Universe (Love), who I have come to believe are out there, want to lead me to Serenity. That they are working for Love and Serenity for all, and that events unfold according to reasons beyond the capability of human understanding. They want to lead me, I want to find, the bottomless resevior of strength we all have inside us, that sometimes gets lost in the caves of our fears. I, you, we - can! navigate these tunnels and dive into that pool for determination and perseverence and optimism.
beautiful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vioZf4TjoUI&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSgiXGELjbc
I choose not to worry about weight or body image or fear. I choose to focus on Serenity, Compassion and Humility: Love.
My sister borrowed a book from the library about astrology and the things she was reading to me about my sign and attribuites were head-tiltingly spot on - saying that if i didn't tune into the growth of my spirituality (emotions and sensitivity and creativity of a pisces) I would fall prey to addiciton...
Needs of Reality:
3 meals, 2 snacks, 3 days of exercise
-Food choices if I feel anxious (obsessive and compulsive) about food: Snack= Green pepper (special relationship to Dad) and Meal= Subway or Greek food [not sure why, but I'm usually really satisfied after greek, hopefully I can find it/make it easily enough]
Program: Fellowship, Steps, Tools.
-Monday night meeting definetly, also online meetings once another night during each week
-Connct with one different fellow each day (i have many numbers in my phone, put in there for now)
-Write out a plan of serenity for each day, along with a food plan
I choose Love. I choose compassion, humility and surrender. I choose compassion, tranquility and wisdom, freedom from fear. I choose awareness and freedom from anxiety.
I choose following the wisdom and lessons of those who have come before me. I choose to give up my self-will in order to be able to choose Life.
I am Thankful for my Life, I give its care back to the forces that Created me, the guiding energy of the Universes. Please lead me to the strength to follow the path of recovery, the path of Love. Lead me to a balance between Light and Dark.
Cheers to Peace of Mind, Body and Spirit!
Its been a while. Things have changed, and now the bar has risen higher and I must rise to its challenge.
Some cultures, like ours, Italy and Brazil also come to mind, build a false sense of self-worth and success from image. Lets embrace those cultures that let women, people, be exactly who they are, regardless of size or shape. In a way, prejudicing against ourselves for our fat, is almost like being prejudiced against oneself for being a certain color. It doesn't make any sense? You can't change your body type any more than you can change the tone of your skin. So why hate ourselves for some thing we can't change. Another way to look at it, would be like someone hating oneself for one's religion. Doesn't make any sense either. If you don't like the way you are living your life, then change it! We are the sole executors of our choices, and with support and knowledge and compassion we can change our circumstances by changing our minds. Change your attitude, heal your spirit :)
I realize this is about choice. About choosing recovery, choosing to surrender completely and in totality to the choices of recovery and guidance by my inner wisdom and Greater Forces at work in the Universe (Love), who I have come to believe are out there, want to lead me to Serenity. That they are working for Love and Serenity for all, and that events unfold according to reasons beyond the capability of human understanding. They want to lead me, I want to find, the bottomless resevior of strength we all have inside us, that sometimes gets lost in the caves of our fears. I, you, we - can! navigate these tunnels and dive into that pool for determination and perseverence and optimism.
beautiful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vioZf4TjoUI&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSgiXGELjbc
I choose not to worry about weight or body image or fear. I choose to focus on Serenity, Compassion and Humility: Love.
My sister borrowed a book from the library about astrology and the things she was reading to me about my sign and attribuites were head-tiltingly spot on - saying that if i didn't tune into the growth of my spirituality (emotions and sensitivity and creativity of a pisces) I would fall prey to addiciton...
Needs of Reality:
3 meals, 2 snacks, 3 days of exercise
-Food choices if I feel anxious (obsessive and compulsive) about food: Snack= Green pepper (special relationship to Dad) and Meal= Subway or Greek food [not sure why, but I'm usually really satisfied after greek, hopefully I can find it/make it easily enough]
Program: Fellowship, Steps, Tools.
-Monday night meeting definetly, also online meetings once another night during each week
-Connct with one different fellow each day (i have many numbers in my phone, put in there for now)
-Write out a plan of serenity for each day, along with a food plan
I choose Love. I choose compassion, humility and surrender. I choose compassion, tranquility and wisdom, freedom from fear. I choose awareness and freedom from anxiety.
I choose following the wisdom and lessons of those who have come before me. I choose to give up my self-will in order to be able to choose Life.
I am Thankful for my Life, I give its care back to the forces that Created me, the guiding energy of the Universes. Please lead me to the strength to follow the path of recovery, the path of Love. Lead me to a balance between Light and Dark.
Cheers to Peace of Mind, Body and Spirit!
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