11:05 bedroom

aware. of blinking cursor. tired. a different kind of tired. an aware tired. slow breathing. sore neck, tight back. a weekend away. moments of splendor, of understanding. collapsing in the snow in the gladed run, staring up at the sky, at the way it seemed as if it was right above me, and i could feel the earth moving, see the spinning of the tree tops as the clouds passed by. a feeling of being, of being on the earth, laying on the earth, connected to the earth as it spun through space. thick blue sky, dark green evergreens, white hazy clouds, cold grainy snow. swaying on the lift in the cold, unforgiving wind, the cold wind that makes me feel alive. the trees are moving, are dancing, are talking. i feel them. my eyes wide, my mouth open. does my mouth always have to be open when i feel this way? closed; the awareness is still there. talking and laughing and stretching with T. involved and engaged but not completely present, still slightly guarded. a nap, a wonderful nap. and then a departure, from the past. kiss and a hug goodbye to T, drive down to Squamish to stay with the cousin and her husband and new baby. More myself than I have ever been with them, but still not completely comfortable. Especailly when R appeared, with a late night snack for craving new mother. Young, assured, so seemingly confident. It made me retreat, slightly. Before all this, a walk over frozen ground and leaves in the woods, baggy sweatpants, snowboots and bounding Raskal. A nice drive up to Vancouver, no wait at the border. An unexpectedly fast purchase and pick up of my transcript from UBC then an unexpected delay, waiting for C. A relaxed evening with her and her friends, Christmas movies and cookies. A decision to meet with T and drive up to Whistler that night, despite the late hour. A cup of tea at T's downtown studio, with the sliding glass window between the bathroom and kitchen/livingroom. Chat and laugh and depart. Battery about to die. Grateful for sleep. and friends. and love. continue this tomorrow...