11:35 bedroom

Feel a push to check in. So I write, a few words. The last week has been haywire and wild as far as a normal pattern of eating goes, or lack of one. But today I had a holiday party and it felt great, truly laughing and just letting one moment carry itself into the next, not controlling to much, or expecting perfection, but guiding the events and letting the day be guided by the mood. Tired at the end, ready for people to pack up and head out on the snowy roads, but wasn't ready for C's unexpected departure or my unexpected sad mood after everyone, and especially the boy, left. Started tidying, then continued, through a mood that would normally equate to sitting and scarfing the leftovers. But I packaged and cleaned and didn't sit down to eat a plate until everything was done. Sat on the couch with my beer for a little before that, feeling present, feeling lonely. Called to see when the family would return from their outing, then felt the need to eat before they got home. Slow to hectic eating, then lots of candy, then stop. Though the desire didn't. A slight need followed me through the hours, but aubrey and tree decorations and lucas and music held it at bay. grateful for that. grateful to have been able to have moved through the emotions, through the feelings. negative thinking, isolationist ideas. not meeting amy for dinner tomorrow, not going to the meeting, not wanting to go to work, not caring. terrible, murky thoughts. but, wow really grateful, i made some paper airplanes and uploaded cd's and took pictures of the cat and laughed with mum and sat on the couch for a while, and then brushed my teeth. there really is a lot of time in a day, in an evening, when it is not consumed by preoccupation and obsession with food. or anything, i guess. time for sleep, we shall see how swiftly it comes. read a bit, an overdue library book. put more photos up around my room and they make me smile. its good to reconnect with our memories. reminders of good times, smiles and laughs, encouragement to seek out more. to hope for, to pray for. Love. To be given and to give. grateful for this day. no perfect, hardly, but real.

11:40 bedroom

2nd night of old bad habits. tonight, extreme. old binge foods and directly distractive reading.
head feels like its floating in vanilla ice cream- sickly sugary and light.
frustrated. sad.
but knowing. how to turn this around. but feeling resentful and apathetic.
please, i cry for help again. for the strength to move through this. for the courage to take right action. for the determination and fortitude to move past...strange reservation and hesitation.
memory of a feeling of glasgow.
talked to dad tonight. report about S came out, pilot negligence. sad, an empty sadness, a sadness for lost things, about death.
i could die any moment. and in this moment, i might even welcome the peace. but every bit outside this moment of post-binge cynicism, i want to live. to love. to find peace, to serve, to spread love, to help others find peace. serenity.
grateful for people to talk to.
frustrated. sad.
but know how to turn it around. talking. sharing. meeting. writing.
please help me God, whatever you are, where ever you are.

12:34 bedroom

We must not give only what we have; we must give what we are.
- Cardinal Mercia
I am who I am, I am what I am, and no one can take me away from me. Except maybe myself. But really, no one can extinguish that inner flame of being, I wonder sometimes, think sometimes, it may even go beyond death of the body. It can be buried, under anger, under despair, under apathy- but that piece of the universe that glows inside, i like to believe it burns for eternity. And when we die, it floats back out into space and takes on a new meaning, a new purpose. But for now, in us, in me, it is my destiny, to find that ember, warm my hands on it, and nurture it, o that it can nurture and guide me. A sharing with the universe, starting with myself, the smallest piece, inside me.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you'll know exactly what to do.
- Michelle Ventor
Hm, but it may take a season or a lifetime to figure this out. I will let go of control and let guidance come as the moments are good. But I will also work to keep myself open and listening, taking action.

"practicing living “as if” the love of your life is already with you"
I like this. Live as if you are living the life you dream. You might surprise yourself and find one day not too far away, your dream is your life.
Reading more of Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. Some passages today caught my attention.
"I did not know what the following days would bring, but I had gained an inward peace that I had never experienced before." (58-59)
I pray for spiritual enlightenment, spiritual solace, spiritual freedom. I pray to embrace humility and compassion and love to serve and nurture life, in myself, in the earth, in other creatures.
"...everything can be taken from a (wo)man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." (66)
Attitude is so huge, I see examples in my life everyday of how attitude changes the whole situation. Not letting other people's wants or opinions or behaviors affect my attitude. My response is my own. My feelings are my own. I dont have to take care of everyone- I am willing to trust in higher powers, in a Guiding Force to help me find meaning and purpose, and I am willing to believe these same powers will take care of others, will help them take care of themselves.
"Regarding our 'provisional life' as unreal was in itself an important factor in causing the prisoners to lose their hold on life; everything in a way became pointless. Such people forgot that often it is just such an exceptionally difficult external situation which gives (hu)man the opportunity to grow spiritually beyond [him]self. Instead of taking the camp's difficulties as a test of their inner strength, they did not take their life seriously and despised it as something of no consequence. They preferred to close their eyes and live in the past. Life for such people became meaningless." (72)
Oh I felt this. That life was meaningless. And so it became meaningless, because that is what I believed. I turned away from the present, because it was painful and i was fearful of all the uncertainty the future held. The past, in my case the very far distant past, was an escape, a refuge. So because I turned away from the magic of the Now moment, my life became meaningless, with no direction. I am grateful to be aware now of the magic in a moment. Of the weight a change in perception can make. Of seeing the same piece of wall in a different light, with new eyes. And how that perception makes all the difference.
"...in reality, there was an opportunity and a challenge. One could make a victory of those experiences,turning life into an inner triumph, or one could ignore the challenge and simply vegetate, as did a majority of the prisoners." (72)
I accept the challenge. Of learning to focus, learning to let go. Of growing faith and trust in something greater than myself, and willing to believe in Good and Love.

12:30 bedroom

The real test comes when you lose.

- Dick Vermeil

extended belly and unquenchable thirst from a binge. a while since this has happened, grateful for that. A loving evening with C, a bittersweet parting. Talked with him about my frustration of wanting to like him but unwillingness to face the sadness that will come with his imminent departure. I sound like a wilting flower. But i hate dealing with the...feeling of abandonment. But- its all attitude. We are all dying. We are living until we die. Its all the way you look at it. Yes, I will someday die. Should I stop living because of it. Yes, he will leave soon. Does that mean I should stop myself from loving him? Enjoying the time now? I suppose not. But it sounds nicer on paper than it does feeling your infatuation broken in 100 pieces. I will take this as a lesson. In letting go, in trying to listen to the voice of a higher power, a guiding spirit. To see if I can truly live in the moment, and not obsess outside of it. To enjoy my time with C when I am with him, and to not muse or stew over it when we are on our own paths. I think this is a good idea.
I think tonight's binge was also brought on by nervousness on the part of my webcam chat with Beau. I worked myself into a cynical, flat, pleasing paradie, and chatted about nothing for an hour. Which, if I hadn't eaten, I think I would have enjoyed much more, and been able to feel the conversation out to greater depths. Resumed eating after the talk, a last attempt to hide from myself. Midnight chimed and i wearily but thankfully turned off who-knows-what movie i was watching, rose from the chair, and went about preparing for bed.
Now is now. I am sorry I overate, but I feel this is a reminder I need to work the program or get worked over by this sickness. I need to feed my spirit or my illness will feed on me. I feel tonight's meeting would have been good. Muting Aimee's phone call was a huge alarm, one that I acknowledged, then plowed through.
Tired, thinking of skipping breakfast. That will not help me. But I ate nuts tonight, which always makes me feel terrible in the morning. Eating nuts makes me feel unbalanced in body and soul.
A beautiful day today, cold and clear and bright. A nice afternoon walk, present and aware. A connection with Amy, sharing our backgrounds and receiving feedback after. She is a smart lady, for all her rule following ;)
A vivid dream last night, about birthing a baby and caring for it. Robbie, a beautiful baby. Breastfed and felt it, can remember the feeling. Laughed about it at lunch, then laughed again at the "Congratulations Happy Birthday" card on my desk, good wishes for "Robbie".
I am going to do a little bit of writing work, then go to sleep. The energy from the food is keeping my heavy eyelids open, so I might as well use this time for good. Grateful for friends, to lean on, to learn from (talks with T), to laugh with. I pray for the strength to grow compassion and humility. I pray for the courage to listen to the inner, guiding voice inside me. Please, I pray for strength and courage to walk through my fears, and for faith to put my trust in a higher power, that has a plan, that has a purpose, for me. There is a plan, there is a purpose. I pray for clarity, for focus, for the strength to carry on with that awareness, to feel my feelings through, happy and sad. Grateful for a warm bed.

11:05 bedroom

aware. of blinking cursor. tired. a different kind of tired. an aware tired. slow breathing. sore neck, tight back. a weekend away. moments of splendor, of understanding. collapsing in the snow in the gladed run, staring up at the sky, at the way it seemed as if it was right above me, and i could feel the earth moving, see the spinning of the tree tops as the clouds passed by. a feeling of being, of being on the earth, laying on the earth, connected to the earth as it spun through space. thick blue sky, dark green evergreens, white hazy clouds, cold grainy snow. swaying on the lift in the cold, unforgiving wind, the cold wind that makes me feel alive. the trees are moving, are dancing, are talking. i feel them. my eyes wide, my mouth open. does my mouth always have to be open when i feel this way? closed; the awareness is still there. talking and laughing and stretching with T. involved and engaged but not completely present, still slightly guarded. a nap, a wonderful nap. and then a departure, from the past. kiss and a hug goodbye to T, drive down to Squamish to stay with the cousin and her husband and new baby. More myself than I have ever been with them, but still not completely comfortable. Especailly when R appeared, with a late night snack for craving new mother. Young, assured, so seemingly confident. It made me retreat, slightly. Before all this, a walk over frozen ground and leaves in the woods, baggy sweatpants, snowboots and bounding Raskal. A nice drive up to Vancouver, no wait at the border. An unexpectedly fast purchase and pick up of my transcript from UBC then an unexpected delay, waiting for C. A relaxed evening with her and her friends, Christmas movies and cookies. A decision to meet with T and drive up to Whistler that night, despite the late hour. A cup of tea at T's downtown studio, with the sliding glass window between the bathroom and kitchen/livingroom. Chat and laugh and depart. Battery about to die. Grateful for sleep. and friends. and love. continue this tomorrow...

11:43 living room

tired, still kicking the last of the cold away. A small frenzy after dinner, crackers and chocolate and sucker. But realized over eating would not lead me to a happy place, and happily I stopped and moved on with the rest of my night, returning calls and showering and feeling good. A little uncertain for what the weekend will bring, but the day can be shaped by my attitude and my attitude is the one thing I have control over. Play is more fun and meaningful when followed by work and accomplishment. Relaxing is more enjoyable when following activity and physical movement or exercise. Balance is the key to serenity. Off with C last night, realizing I like him more than I was hoping to, but came to a more stable place today, realizing I can like him, I just need to stay connected to myself and honest about where my actions and emotions will lead me. And how to avoid pitfalls. I'm out of town for the weekend, and its long distance to use my phone, so I think it will be a good chance for me to take a breath and pull back from the physical intimacy, which tends to squeeze my heart until the rivers of my thoughts are flooded with 'love'; and cloud my spirit in sheer silky curtains. Tired. Strange sleep for the past two nights, restless. Today was a good day, sunny and cold and a museum visit after work with many friends. Grateful for a warm lit house, for a younger brother and a younger sister, who teach me so much about sharing, forgiveness and letting go.

9:42 living room

2nd day of abstinence.
stuffy head cold, left work early, but did errands in the afternoon sunshine. home to put more photos up around my room, watch half of a Merlin episode with Luke, then go nap. Rouse myself and do billing, then enjoy soup and bread and sweet potato, and stop. Low key exercise to Belly Dance DVD, wonderful brief stretching, finish Merlin with Luke, Facebook photo update. Feeling relaxed and a bit high from ThermaFlu. Have to put my winter tires in the car for tomorrow, but think i'll save that for the morning. Shower. Grateful for this family, frustrating and insightful and helpful and loving. Not grateful for cats who poop in my bathroom.