Wednesday, April 28, 2010

12:18 computer room

I felt worthless tonight, without a goal or need or purpose; a feeling that grew from unfullfilment during the day. I did no giving or creating. Just meaningless being, mostly.
I need OA, to help connect me to a greater power and my inner self. To help me let go of this terrible Pride that is putting up a darn good fight against any forward movement. Tonight was a very old binge- wanting, needing, taking. I pray to a god, to gods, to a greater power and force, to fill me with compassion, to lead me to the path of Love and humility, to guide me to my own strength and courage and show me how it can be built up into a sanctuary on a mountain of Serenity.
I pray to find the courage to move my feet in the direction they are pointed.
Thank you for my life, for the beauty in it. Let me learn from its pain, to make my life, to help others lives, be more full of joy and compassion.
Grateful for understanding, when it comes. Grateful for each day, and the lessons they give to me. Grateful for a strong and flexible vessel, though it begins to slow in its response to the insanity of the mind and sickness of the spirit. Which really can be made into a good thing. I can't purge anymore, only release.
Grateful for tears. I pray to let them come.

Monday, April 26, 2010

10:29 living room

Write, says aimee, so I write.
re-reading through older posts first, last entry and first entry. the latter, which is the former, hit me as raw, powerful in its emotions. Where are those emotions now? Id like to say they are more smooth, the dips and peaks of the troughs have lessened in amplitude. They still exist but are less traumatic. Though sometimes I feel without those deep undercurrents and swells, my access to creativity and passion is weakened. I need to find another way to connect to my source.
Awareness. Is Connectivity. Is Frequency; to follow Will.I.Am's philosophy. The more frequent you do an activity, the more connected you are to it, and the more aware of it. I feel this again today, the understanding of the Fellowship's guidance of constant active compassionate service. For they have found that to stay sober they MUST actively carry the message of spiritual awakening out to others still suffering.
Can i consider myself a sufferer? I can. Do I? Partly, yes. I still go through periods of retreat into selfishness and spaces lacking courage to confront and release my fears.
Let go. Let go of tension, anxiety, just breath. Generally my life is very well. I am in good health, and have security that my basic needs will be taken care of. Spiritual, mental, bodily recovery.
Here. Now. In this moment. Breath. Thats all i really have to do. And love. myself, you, creation.
Move on with the steps, take the next step and make ammends. Let go of stubborn pride and give way to spiritual serenity. You've let go of the log, now keep swimming. I now know there is a shore on the horizon, waiting to welcome me, exhausted yet strong, onto its warm banks.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

1:12 am computer room

Hello Again,
Its been a while. Things have changed, and now the bar has risen higher and I must rise to its challenge.
Some cultures, like ours, Italy and Brazil also come to mind, build a false sense of self-worth and success from image. Lets embrace those cultures that let women, people, be exactly who they are, regardless of size or shape. In a way, prejudicing against ourselves for our fat, is almost like being prejudiced against oneself for being a certain color. It doesn't make any sense? You can't change your body type any more than you can change the tone of your skin. So why hate ourselves for some thing we can't change. Another way to look at it, would be like someone hating oneself for one's religion. Doesn't make any sense either. If you don't like the way you are living your life, then change it! We are the sole executors of our choices, and with support and knowledge and compassion we can change our circumstances by changing our minds. Change your attitude, heal your spirit :)
I realize this is about choice. About choosing recovery, choosing to surrender completely and in totality to the choices of recovery and guidance by my inner wisdom and Greater Forces at work in the Universe (Love), who I have come to believe are out there, want to lead me to Serenity. That they are working for Love and Serenity for all, and that events unfold according to reasons beyond the capability of human understanding. They want to lead me, I want to find, the bottomless resevior of strength we all have inside us, that sometimes gets lost in the caves of our fears. I, you, we - can! navigate these tunnels and dive into that pool for determination and perseverence and optimism.
I choose not to worry about weight or body image or fear. I choose to focus on Serenity, Compassion and Humility: Love.
My sister borrowed a book from the library about astrology and the things she was reading to me about my sign and attribuites were head-tiltingly spot on - saying that if i didn't tune into the growth of my spirituality (emotions and sensitivity and creativity of a pisces) I would fall prey to addiciton...

Needs of Reality:
3 meals, 2 snacks, 3 days of exercise
-Food choices if I feel anxious (obsessive and compulsive) about food: Snack= Green pepper (special relationship to Dad) and Meal= Subway or Greek food [not sure why, but I'm usually really satisfied after greek, hopefully I can find it/make it easily enough]
Program: Fellowship, Steps, Tools.
-Monday night meeting definetly, also online meetings once another night during each week
-Connct with one different fellow each day (i have many numbers in my phone, put in there for now)
-Write out a plan of serenity for each day, along with a food plan

I choose Love. I choose compassion, humility and surrender. I choose compassion, tranquility and wisdom, freedom from fear. I choose awareness and freedom from anxiety.
I choose following the wisdom and lessons of those who have come before me. I choose to give up my self-will in order to be able to choose Life.

I am Thankful for my Life, I give its care back to the forces that Created me, the guiding energy of the Universes. Please lead me to the strength to follow the path of recovery, the path of Love. Lead me to a balance between Light and Dark.
Cheers to Peace of Mind, Body and Spirit!