Wednesday, December 30, 2009

9:58 dining room

a wednesday that feels like the birthing of a thursday and friday combined. tired. felt like my brain was very overstimulated when I got home. from the day, not from arriving at home. social with mum and jerry over soup, then with aubrey and katie as they ate dinner. ate through some youtube videos. tired. last two days have been well, beautiful skies today, all throughout. almost a full moon, shining brightly. blue tomorrow, the first in 20 years on a new year's eve. An eve. Of a new year. A day. Like any other. Its all the significance we attach to it. What if every day were as anticipated, as celebrated, as January 1st (or similarities across other religions and calenders). Though, in actuality, I associate J.1 with a hangover. Not the best way to ring in a fresh start. Tomorrow, I plan on having a good time, but not getting drunk. It doesn't get me anywhere.
Everyone upstairs now, sleeping or reading or watching videos. The dishwasher is aggressively loud, the clock by the front door ticks authoritatively. My abdomen is uncomfortable, clenching with cramps and rumbling grumpily. My head is aware, but weighted, my spirit is silent, emptily so.
But I am here, and I do not let go. Of the moment. Addressed some letters for Amnesty Int'l, but felt hubris not humility. Christmas decorations are slowly being withdrawn into boxes for the basement and attic. Fluffy farts escape sporadically. A scarf curls on the cotton tablecloth, wound like a cat. Our cats are having territorial disputes, Nina the elder being accosted by Rosie the younger. The air is cool, the moisture is gathering, falling wet here, falling snow on the mountains. A blessing. Friends are blessings. I am starting to overthink C, but its very nice to be able to lean backward from the obsessing and negativity, and laugh at it, even if I am not yet strong enough to halt it. A nice tea and chat with E yesterday. An endearing friend. I wish, just a little, in this instant, for the dream of being elderly in a big house with cats. and sunlight, and books. on the ocean. on a rise.
tomorrow is the ending of one year, the start of a new. but i feel the start of my journey happened a while ago. the awakening of my dormant spirit to the senses of the earth and universe. i feel like the universe is too big a concept for me right now, but focusing on the earth feels very right. tomorrow is another day and the day after it will be another day. and i will celebrate them just like the day after that.
grateful for imagination and dreams. i pray for the strength to grow compassion and courage to grow humility. grateful for love. and simple things.

Monday, December 28, 2009

11:21 dining room

feeling lost in myself again, losing my self to stubbornness and anxious impatience. the voice, the guide, is very strong in my head, in my being, but I am avoiding it to the failing of my physical and spiritual self. The push to go to the meeting was so very strong, as were the signs that something was to happen there. emails. a fortune cookie (no joke). but i resisted, i feared. moving forward, leaving something behind. moving forward into myself, leaving C behind. i broke a vase as i was leaving.
here is a poem:

Oh! cried Paradie
at the unexpected melody
of tinkling glass.

As soon as she had relieved herself
the vase fell off the toilet shelf
and broke into pieces.

The potpourri scattered
but what really mattered
was her sorrow.

So she went hunting late into the night
in the chance that she might
replace the lost scent.

If "Rainforest" his senses smoother,
I can always buy another
"Blackcherry" smells nice too. (seriously)

Then something silver caught her glance
a tool not unlike a rounded lance
to spear flakey crusts.

Spied her eyes
a lifter for pies
which he surely must have more than two of at his party.

Here ends our tale
toast with ale
a story sad-
turned shyly to glad.

Another binge tonight, wanted and given to myself. Moments of understanding, moments to hold back. Passed by. Through the moments, Paradie, through them.
The night is beautiful tonight. Standing outside the garage, I wished for dragons to fly through the sky.
grateful for so many things, for a loving family, for hope, for a new tomorrow. for sleep. love.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

11:31 bedroom

its been a few days. a wonderful christmas weekend. skiing on the eve, warmed by a gas fire as I waited for Luke to finish a few last runs. A stunning day, a quietly beautiful dusk, in the mountains. bright orange sunset on the drive home, almost apocalyptic. a very bad sleep that night, negative anxiety running rampant in my head. turns out L and A didn't sleep very well either, strange. Great present explosion, with Sue and Casey joining us. Clean up and go meet C for Sherlock homes, an embrace full of joy and gratitude. bob tail on my santa hat bouncing on my head, i almost ran into the car ahead of me, as it slowed down for a fire engine that had stopped for a car run off the side of the road, on the way to the movie theater. a delicious dinner, with C's blueberry pie. Origin and Blurt, new from the morning, brought lots of laughs. I was exhausted, sitting by the fire in my new tartan dress, and rolling around on the floor, trying out various reclining positions. Up late with C, no sex, but a violent orgasmic experience nonetheless. Good boxing day, walk in the woods, jump on the tramp, start to tidy the room, then go to meet C for sushi and Avatar IMAX. 2nd row, too close for some scenes, but still awesome. Back to his place and sleep. Sewing this morning, him sewing, me watching, though I did do a button on a shirt dress. Short trot around Goodwill then part ways. Feeling anxious today, but in a different manner. Left C with good terms, we had spent a lot of time together this weekend, but I had residual clingyness, and starting to feel twinges of jealousy again when he mentions other girls. Which i really really dislike, the twinges. Give it up; i get back more when I give more. just like xmas texts ;) home to an empty house, okay at first. heated up a tupperware bowl of leftovers then went to sit outside on the deck. a very strange afternoon light. warm but cool. too bright for this time of year. felt like i was in a bubble. the trees against the sky...colors I hadn't experienced since I was shrooming. slow slow eating. describing the texture and flavour in my mind, like i was an alien creature come to earth, and experiencing it for the first time. back inside, and restless boredom. played a bit of Prince of Persia, but while eating many gingerbread cookies. plus. started making paper airplanes, went for a quick rush through the woods, and a short rest in the clearing, until I heard the car door slam. ran back inside to finish the paper airplanes and chat with mum. various puttering until leave at 6 to meet the girls. gas and recycling and good dinner at B&O with all of us together, an veritable rarity. okay discussion and chatter, drop katie off, head home. rest for a moment, texting, then head inside and go for food. a veritable binge. but i really wanted it and let myself have it. now, i wish i hadn't, but at the same time i can feel the shadow of anxiety and restlessness of not binging. tired. tomorrow is another day. i like readying myself in advance. it feels great to not rush about so much when im leaving for something, an event, a meeting. my skin feels very soft today, the tips of my fingers, my arms and thighs. grateful for a warm strong house. for warm strong friendships. for a warm, strong family. for a warm, strong lover friend. for a warm, strong forgiveness. for a warm, strong loving higher power and mother earth. grateful for a guiding spirit, that guides me when i listen. merry christmas, peace and serenity and love grown, among earth's creatures and beings.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

12:20 bedroom

should make this quick, need to get to bed to sleep for rest for skiing tomorrow. though if i don't write out my thoughts, they may swirl endless patterns around my head and keep me awake.
a very strong binge tonight, on chocolate and cookies. bowls of the stuff. but before that; a very good day as far as patience. waiting, just letting time pass and not feeling like i have to control a decision. and interesting and good results. the past came back today, but it was a good visit with E. sentimental, but we have both changed, and i accept that. the connections i have with people keep me alive. they are what i live for. but i realize it will take pratice and patience to work up stamina to go an entire day. by the late evening when i got home, i was running out of steam. i made dinner but ate it while watching tv episodes. as i turned to the stairs, a warning light and bell went off in my head, and i acknowledged i shouldnt be doing this. i felt the 'rightness' of sitting at the table and mindful eating. but i went around it, tried to go past it. but one night of eating unhealthily will not ruin my life and should not dictate my next waking to the next morning light. that is then, and will be then. this is now. i was ignoring fatigue and sleepiness and so pushed aside serenity and emotions. i accept my mistake. i accept it and move on. it has happened. it happened. i release it. and now i will sleep.
grateful for friends, who are supportive in their very presence. grateful for laughter. grateful for cold, life affirming air. grateful for feeling a sense of my own responsibility to myself. grateful for love and what it teaches us.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

11:29 bedroom

head as chock full of thoughts and images (wonder where that phrase comes from) tonight as it was cloudy during the day. to match the sky. feeling tired. but a good tired from a full day. feeling uncertain, even as im typing. not sure the words i should put down. let it flow now, stream of consciousness. E. thinking about the two boys, how its old habit to make my day center around them. plans with. thoughts of plans with. thoughts of. i want to be free of obsessive thinking. a place of clear focus, where the moment is what matters. my slightly dry fingertips tapping and rubbing the keyboard keys. i think i have written something like that before. the rough cotton, kimono like faded pink robe warm against my skin. my damp hair cool against my scalp. my feet pressing hard against the thin scratchy rug covering the concrete floor. tongue moist against dry chapped lips. ear tickled from droplets of water left over from my shower. responsible for my existence. this is what i am. more important than my surroundings and what i have, is who i am. here to breath and take each moment for what its worth. precious life. what does life ask of me? in each instance? i try to listen. i feel the guidance. some part of me still holds back. but most of me now relishes the feeling...of knowing. not my knowing, but some greater wisdom, some greater force, higher powers...leading me somewhere, to and on a road I know not where it leads. but I will follow the silent voice. blinking cursor. wondering if words will appear. well, they will if i put action forth. woke up to raskal barking, for once a blessing, because I had set my alarm for p.m. and slept past my normal waking hour. a little late to work, but nothing serious today, again. a better day with the laid-back-ness, a wonderfully thoughtful gift from susan for everyone in our department. computer meandering. long walk with katie, chatting about boys and life. more computer meandering. meet up with ruthie at a coffee shop, long and gratifying discussion about our present mindsets. home to a cup of tea, a made dinner, and a slow eating of it while watching a Merlin episode with L. stopped mid bites because mum would come in and sit on the edge of the armchair i was curled in. an overwhelming anxiety would wash over me. but i simply put down the fork and paid more attention to the movie, forcing calmness (versus freaking out at her for no reason). Helped. I ate a few more things after, but I stopped. And I think the slow, present dinner made the difference. I could feel at the end, the compulsion to finish it take over- finishing it because it was food and it was in front of me. But I stopped! I stopped. And Im grateful for the grace and present thought that helped me through the undesirable twinge to eat more. Exercise, stretch and shower. Tired. feel a bit stuffy.
Yesterday- made dinner for C, a recipe I would like to attempt again for progress sake. Hair and Zoolander and an intense make out and sex session. A lovely reclining after, finishing the movie, then sharing. Telling him about my stone house, images of it clarifying as I talked. Earlier at dinner, I couldn't shut up, a right 'chatty cathy'.
grateful for pause. for weighted waiting. for the sigh of relief you feel at the end of it. grateful for plumbing. grateful for sleep.

Monday, December 21, 2009

12:21 bedroom

end of a weekend, dont really feel like writing much, but will review the past few days and maybe find myself in a full entry. Eating this weekend continued to be excessive, and I am ready to start fresh tomorrow. avatar on friday, beautiful and exciting. going to see it again next saturday at the imax :) sat alone in my car afterwards, the rain gently falling on my window, the bright parking lot light shinning through the rivulets and droplets. a sense of the mystical over came me and I cried slowly, but strongly, a conviction growing inside me to embrace life with all i have to give, however i can. i want to attend and i want to be present, moving through the moments. that mantra has helped me, and ive noticed myself using it over the past couple days. "I can't move past it, I have to move through this". It helps me focus and reclaim my consciousness and surroundings. Ive taken to observing whats around me, naming things as i see them, in my head. A long saturday morning, hiked with Luke to the falls in the early afternoon. Shower, nap, then prep for Christmas traditional dinner- botanical garden lights, Snowflake lane song and drummers, and italian feast at Maggianos. Delicious, but not completely holding onto my serenity. Exciting to go dancing. Meet up with C around 10:30 and head out about 45 minutes later, after a romp with my thigh highs and black boots still on. Great night, just felt like dancing and getting drunk. Awesome gay bar, good atmosphere, hot male dancers, and fun music. Image of C flinging his dreads as he works the pole ;) Very hung over this morning, its been a while. A good wake up call though. Ive moved past the need to drink and deal with hangovers on a regular basis. I would like to put compulsive eating behind me as well. Those physical hangovers are just as bad and the mental component even worse. I still feel like my body is recovering, a good sleep with be wonderful. Like A reminds me, think of things I am grateful for, everyday, as often as possible. Grateful for a warm and fun and understanding man in my life; grateful for friends to talk to and share with; grateful for a comfy bed. Grateful for the OA program which helps me work at being a better person, for myself, for others.

Friday, December 18, 2009

12:14 bedroom

a bit cool tonight, but warmer than last week. come back cold, make it snow! another day long but not awful. Finished up K's last secret santa display and felt happy to use my creative powers, and doing it for someone else's pleasure makes it even better. another day of eating outside of meals and snacks, and eating sugar. but we had a dessert exchange at work, and i can forgive myself for giving into sweets when they surround me. i could have decided not to take any home, but i thought I would be able to handle it. I was not. I ate them all and more. I knew I was eating compulsively and saddened by it, as I was avoiding watching a movie with my sister because I wanted to eat. But, with the grace of a higher power, I settled. I exercise, a short dvd, then a wonderful long stretch time, and a rinse. Felt good after the shower, feel alright, now. I feel myself at a beginning again, this is what it felt like at the beginning, discovering how it felt to stop eating compulsively, feeling the safety of meetings, the belonging. Feeling serenity, feeling myself. More aware of my body, which I feel is a miracle- my body and the feeling of it. i am grateful for a body that can move all its parts and give me such joy in its movement. I realize my body IS; it is not good or bad, it IS. It is only my perception that changes, my mental thought process, stemming from my mind. I need to quite my mind, let serenity move through like a soft dreamy wave, emptying channels and letting peace settle throughout and allowing clear, focused awareness to prevail.
dream, dream, dream.
the daily reader talked about feeling feelings today. at the end of the binge, i faced that i was trying to push something down, and i slightly let the feeling rise, but it was pain, and beyond that i couldn't tell, and the not knowing was painful too, so i went into the kitchen to get more food, but then jerry came back in the house from working outside, and i filled a mug with water instead. thank god. finished with an ice cream sandwich, like last night, and watched myself in the mirror as i ate it, which i think helps a lot. makes me face what im doing, and even enjoy the food for what it is. which i think helps too. brings back the focus to the present moment. the other daily reader also mentioned lashing out and not taking the time to think. this is what i do when i eat. I lash out and I use. i want to slow down, to garner and gather calmness to be able to face my feelings. i need to go ahead with step four and if I am to do this consistently and with dedication, i need a sponsor. I will be on the look out and actively peruse and be open to guidance.
night is drawing out, i should sleep, but i feel still quite awake. almost excited, a energy in my stomach, my core. also a bubbling of the intestine. as usual.
grateful for life, the life i have, the life i live, every breath, every moment. grateful for hope, for the hope of Love.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

11:47 bedroom

food not exact to eating plan, but a long day, and overall a good day. awoke to aubrey and lucas racing around the house, exasperation in her voice, fact in his. a feeling, an urge, like the night before to attend luke's orchestra concert, then denied, this time followed. drove them to the next stop on the bus route. chiro, long wait at planned parenthood for birth control, though it went by strangely fast. watching and listening to three young children play, reading from newsweek. to work, eat lunch, rush out on a fire DAT call. K interpreted Spanish, it sounded beautiful to me, so amazing to hear her switch from english to spanish to english in half a second. motivating actually, to start on my french teaching application. afternoon over, evening full of unexpect-ededs. locked my keys in my trunk, and got a call from the Surrey Police regarding someone I worked with in Vancouver. Bizarre, unsettling. Set off for my evening presentation, a bit lost, finally find it, then wait in silent amusement while they discussed a vote for a new policy on tricycle helmets. stumbled through the short presentation as it was interpreted in two other languages. again, languages. culture. differences, similarities. race back to the chapter to meet luke, who heroically brought me an extra key from home. drive to Dancechurch to meet R, and dance anger and stress away. wonderful, great beats and pulses, mine slowing and quickening to match the music. quick chat with amy on the drive home, eat my pre-made dinner (thank god), and also advent chocolates and an icecream bar. not perfect, but okay. tired now, might still read a little, bed. grateful for inexpensive entertainment and musical trance dance release. grateful for a space to feel me, to be me, without reservation or hesitation. Love.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

11:45...12:35 bedroom

I just wrote a very long blog post and accidently went back to the previous page, leaving the words to the mysterious nothingness of lost web space.
it is a shame, but i felt getting the words out helped anyway.
to recap:
a long day. frustrated, going through the motions, disconnected from myself. a long day dream about a battle with a large monster in dark armour that splits open to a figure in blinding white light with two swords who pierces me in the chest as she says "I am choice". Then points to two doorways, one shrouded in fog, "uncertainty" the other dark, set in stone, which i know leads to an empty blackness "you know leads to knowhere". A serious binge, talk with friends and family, exercise, more talking, shower, reading.
Ask not what you expect out of life, but what life expects out of you. Let go of the naievety of life's meaning having a finite purpose, an aim to which I can move towards. Instead, each moment has a purpose, a reason, a right action for me to take. Only I can live my joy, my suffering. Only I can be a sister, a daughter, a lover, a friend to those I know. Only I can do the work that I can do. My purpose is in living each moment, asking what life needs of me.
I feel i need to write, and hope that someday I my thoughts and ideas will spill from my pen in a coherence that allows others to connect and reflect and continue with what I have shaped. Grateful for family and friends to talk to and share with, for the annonymity of the web and its possibility of connecting with strangers who I will never meet, never know. grateful for a sense of humour and acceptance that the past is the past. Still need to move through my past some more, but that will come as I take action.
Hilarious. All that typing. Good practice I guess.
I pray to Love myself.

Monday, December 14, 2009

11:17 bedroom

breath. in my room, my own little space, my own little world. surrounded by smiling faces and memories and color and pattern and texture, smooth and rough and soft and hard and scratchy. over ate tonight, felt the itch during meeting, and on the way home. which, now I know, whenever I get the itch, unless I take every possible means to move through it, it will not pass. or i will not pass past it. call someone, wait and talk to a higher power, reach out to a guiding spirit, reach in to myself and my inner self, have a cup of tea, jump in the shower. the itch cannot be stopped, it must be moved. i must move through it. feel saddened but it has happened and it is done. the moment is now and i am me and i am worthy and beautiful and i like myself just the way i am. good commentary and thoughts tonight in meeting. a great share, so fluid a story and so chock full of truth and honesty and good ideas. B had a great share too, a smart phrase, cant remember exactly what she said now. Surrender. Surrendering to the truth. The truth of the illness, that it is a disease that I will have for the rest of my life. But a disease that I do not have to suffer from. One I can learn from and use for my spirit to grow brighter than ever before. I feel present, but blocked from my soul. My emotions are here, but I can't really name them, or their source. The Steps are calling my name, Step Four is waiting on my doorstep, patiently, but with an unwavering stare.
the past, my past, is coming back, picture by picture, memory by memory, page by page of old journals. it surrounds me, beckoning me in, to search it, to leaf through it, to find meaning in it, to find answers. its alive, breaths and whispers filling the air, gently pressing against me, pushing open up, and to seek what i would find. answers.
stretching, breathing, calming, being. so present, its hard for me to remember the day. gray, drizzly, more busy than usual, the start of secret santa; tea and a granola bar on my desk. grocery shopping for gifts and searching for poems for K. amusing, entertaining, fun :) tyring to please someone else, truly please them, find something that they find solace and meaning in. fruit and vegetables for nourishment, a poem for thinking.
grateful for a laptop. grateful for an inviting bed. grateful for tape. grateful for OA. I pray for the strength to cultivate my honesty and empathy and compassion. im feeling strange difficulties with S. I think its because I feel like I should be doing the work she is, but she is accepting it, so I let her have it. Feeling all the while that it is my load.
Trust the universe. Pray for Love. Nurture love inside.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

11:35 bedroom

Feel a push to check in. So I write, a few words. The last week has been haywire and wild as far as a normal pattern of eating goes, or lack of one. But today I had a holiday party and it felt great, truly laughing and just letting one moment carry itself into the next, not controlling to much, or expecting perfection, but guiding the events and letting the day be guided by the mood. Tired at the end, ready for people to pack up and head out on the snowy roads, but wasn't ready for C's unexpected departure or my unexpected sad mood after everyone, and especially the boy, left. Started tidying, then continued, through a mood that would normally equate to sitting and scarfing the leftovers. But I packaged and cleaned and didn't sit down to eat a plate until everything was done. Sat on the couch with my beer for a little before that, feeling present, feeling lonely. Called to see when the family would return from their outing, then felt the need to eat before they got home. Slow to hectic eating, then lots of candy, then stop. Though the desire didn't. A slight need followed me through the hours, but aubrey and tree decorations and lucas and music held it at bay. grateful for that. grateful to have been able to have moved through the emotions, through the feelings. negative thinking, isolationist ideas. not meeting amy for dinner tomorrow, not going to the meeting, not wanting to go to work, not caring. terrible, murky thoughts. but, wow really grateful, i made some paper airplanes and uploaded cd's and took pictures of the cat and laughed with mum and sat on the couch for a while, and then brushed my teeth. there really is a lot of time in a day, in an evening, when it is not consumed by preoccupation and obsession with food. or anything, i guess. time for sleep, we shall see how swiftly it comes. read a bit, an overdue library book. put more photos up around my room and they make me smile. its good to reconnect with our memories. reminders of good times, smiles and laughs, encouragement to seek out more. to hope for, to pray for. Love. To be given and to give. grateful for this day. no perfect, hardly, but real.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

11:40 bedroom

2nd night of old bad habits. tonight, extreme. old binge foods and directly distractive reading.
head feels like its floating in vanilla ice cream- sickly sugary and light.
frustrated. sad.
but knowing. how to turn this around. but feeling resentful and apathetic.
please, i cry for help again. for the strength to move through this. for the courage to take right action. for the determination and fortitude to move past...strange reservation and hesitation.
memory of a feeling of glasgow.
talked to dad tonight. report about S came out, pilot negligence. sad, an empty sadness, a sadness for lost things, about death.
i could die any moment. and in this moment, i might even welcome the peace. but every bit outside this moment of post-binge cynicism, i want to live. to love. to find peace, to serve, to spread love, to help others find peace. serenity.
grateful for people to talk to.
frustrated. sad.
but know how to turn it around. talking. sharing. meeting. writing.
please help me God, whatever you are, where ever you are.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

12:34 bedroom

We must not give only what we have; we must give what we are.
- Cardinal Mercia
I am who I am, I am what I am, and no one can take me away from me. Except maybe myself. But really, no one can extinguish that inner flame of being, I wonder sometimes, think sometimes, it may even go beyond death of the body. It can be buried, under anger, under despair, under apathy- but that piece of the universe that glows inside, i like to believe it burns for eternity. And when we die, it floats back out into space and takes on a new meaning, a new purpose. But for now, in us, in me, it is my destiny, to find that ember, warm my hands on it, and nurture it, o that it can nurture and guide me. A sharing with the universe, starting with myself, the smallest piece, inside me.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you'll know exactly what to do.
- Michelle Ventor
Hm, but it may take a season or a lifetime to figure this out. I will let go of control and let guidance come as the moments are good. But I will also work to keep myself open and listening, taking action.

"practicing living “as if” the love of your life is already with you"
I like this. Live as if you are living the life you dream. You might surprise yourself and find one day not too far away, your dream is your life.
Reading more of Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. Some passages today caught my attention.
"I did not know what the following days would bring, but I had gained an inward peace that I had never experienced before." (58-59)
I pray for spiritual enlightenment, spiritual solace, spiritual freedom. I pray to embrace humility and compassion and love to serve and nurture life, in myself, in the earth, in other creatures.
"...everything can be taken from a (wo)man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." (66)
Attitude is so huge, I see examples in my life everyday of how attitude changes the whole situation. Not letting other people's wants or opinions or behaviors affect my attitude. My response is my own. My feelings are my own. I dont have to take care of everyone- I am willing to trust in higher powers, in a Guiding Force to help me find meaning and purpose, and I am willing to believe these same powers will take care of others, will help them take care of themselves.
"Regarding our 'provisional life' as unreal was in itself an important factor in causing the prisoners to lose their hold on life; everything in a way became pointless. Such people forgot that often it is just such an exceptionally difficult external situation which gives (hu)man the opportunity to grow spiritually beyond [him]self. Instead of taking the camp's difficulties as a test of their inner strength, they did not take their life seriously and despised it as something of no consequence. They preferred to close their eyes and live in the past. Life for such people became meaningless." (72)
Oh I felt this. That life was meaningless. And so it became meaningless, because that is what I believed. I turned away from the present, because it was painful and i was fearful of all the uncertainty the future held. The past, in my case the very far distant past, was an escape, a refuge. So because I turned away from the magic of the Now moment, my life became meaningless, with no direction. I am grateful to be aware now of the magic in a moment. Of the weight a change in perception can make. Of seeing the same piece of wall in a different light, with new eyes. And how that perception makes all the difference.
" reality, there was an opportunity and a challenge. One could make a victory of those experiences,turning life into an inner triumph, or one could ignore the challenge and simply vegetate, as did a majority of the prisoners." (72)
I accept the challenge. Of learning to focus, learning to let go. Of growing faith and trust in something greater than myself, and willing to believe in Good and Love.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

12:30 bedroom

The real test comes when you lose.

- Dick Vermeil

extended belly and unquenchable thirst from a binge. a while since this has happened, grateful for that. A loving evening with C, a bittersweet parting. Talked with him about my frustration of wanting to like him but unwillingness to face the sadness that will come with his imminent departure. I sound like a wilting flower. But i hate dealing with the...feeling of abandonment. But- its all attitude. We are all dying. We are living until we die. Its all the way you look at it. Yes, I will someday die. Should I stop living because of it. Yes, he will leave soon. Does that mean I should stop myself from loving him? Enjoying the time now? I suppose not. But it sounds nicer on paper than it does feeling your infatuation broken in 100 pieces. I will take this as a lesson. In letting go, in trying to listen to the voice of a higher power, a guiding spirit. To see if I can truly live in the moment, and not obsess outside of it. To enjoy my time with C when I am with him, and to not muse or stew over it when we are on our own paths. I think this is a good idea.
I think tonight's binge was also brought on by nervousness on the part of my webcam chat with Beau. I worked myself into a cynical, flat, pleasing paradie, and chatted about nothing for an hour. Which, if I hadn't eaten, I think I would have enjoyed much more, and been able to feel the conversation out to greater depths. Resumed eating after the talk, a last attempt to hide from myself. Midnight chimed and i wearily but thankfully turned off who-knows-what movie i was watching, rose from the chair, and went about preparing for bed.
Now is now. I am sorry I overate, but I feel this is a reminder I need to work the program or get worked over by this sickness. I need to feed my spirit or my illness will feed on me. I feel tonight's meeting would have been good. Muting Aimee's phone call was a huge alarm, one that I acknowledged, then plowed through.
Tired, thinking of skipping breakfast. That will not help me. But I ate nuts tonight, which always makes me feel terrible in the morning. Eating nuts makes me feel unbalanced in body and soul.
A beautiful day today, cold and clear and bright. A nice afternoon walk, present and aware. A connection with Amy, sharing our backgrounds and receiving feedback after. She is a smart lady, for all her rule following ;)
A vivid dream last night, about birthing a baby and caring for it. Robbie, a beautiful baby. Breastfed and felt it, can remember the feeling. Laughed about it at lunch, then laughed again at the "Congratulations Happy Birthday" card on my desk, good wishes for "Robbie".
I am going to do a little bit of writing work, then go to sleep. The energy from the food is keeping my heavy eyelids open, so I might as well use this time for good. Grateful for friends, to lean on, to learn from (talks with T), to laugh with. I pray for the strength to grow compassion and humility. I pray for the courage to listen to the inner, guiding voice inside me. Please, I pray for strength and courage to walk through my fears, and for faith to put my trust in a higher power, that has a plan, that has a purpose, for me. There is a plan, there is a purpose. I pray for clarity, for focus, for the strength to carry on with that awareness, to feel my feelings through, happy and sad. Grateful for a warm bed.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

11:05 bedroom

aware. of blinking cursor. tired. a different kind of tired. an aware tired. slow breathing. sore neck, tight back. a weekend away. moments of splendor, of understanding. collapsing in the snow in the gladed run, staring up at the sky, at the way it seemed as if it was right above me, and i could feel the earth moving, see the spinning of the tree tops as the clouds passed by. a feeling of being, of being on the earth, laying on the earth, connected to the earth as it spun through space. thick blue sky, dark green evergreens, white hazy clouds, cold grainy snow. swaying on the lift in the cold, unforgiving wind, the cold wind that makes me feel alive. the trees are moving, are dancing, are talking. i feel them. my eyes wide, my mouth open. does my mouth always have to be open when i feel this way? closed; the awareness is still there. talking and laughing and stretching with T. involved and engaged but not completely present, still slightly guarded. a nap, a wonderful nap. and then a departure, from the past. kiss and a hug goodbye to T, drive down to Squamish to stay with the cousin and her husband and new baby. More myself than I have ever been with them, but still not completely comfortable. Especailly when R appeared, with a late night snack for craving new mother. Young, assured, so seemingly confident. It made me retreat, slightly. Before all this, a walk over frozen ground and leaves in the woods, baggy sweatpants, snowboots and bounding Raskal. A nice drive up to Vancouver, no wait at the border. An unexpectedly fast purchase and pick up of my transcript from UBC then an unexpected delay, waiting for C. A relaxed evening with her and her friends, Christmas movies and cookies. A decision to meet with T and drive up to Whistler that night, despite the late hour. A cup of tea at T's downtown studio, with the sliding glass window between the bathroom and kitchen/livingroom. Chat and laugh and depart. Battery about to die. Grateful for sleep. and friends. and love. continue this tomorrow...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

11:43 living room

tired, still kicking the last of the cold away. A small frenzy after dinner, crackers and chocolate and sucker. But realized over eating would not lead me to a happy place, and happily I stopped and moved on with the rest of my night, returning calls and showering and feeling good. A little uncertain for what the weekend will bring, but the day can be shaped by my attitude and my attitude is the one thing I have control over. Play is more fun and meaningful when followed by work and accomplishment. Relaxing is more enjoyable when following activity and physical movement or exercise. Balance is the key to serenity. Off with C last night, realizing I like him more than I was hoping to, but came to a more stable place today, realizing I can like him, I just need to stay connected to myself and honest about where my actions and emotions will lead me. And how to avoid pitfalls. I'm out of town for the weekend, and its long distance to use my phone, so I think it will be a good chance for me to take a breath and pull back from the physical intimacy, which tends to squeeze my heart until the rivers of my thoughts are flooded with 'love'; and cloud my spirit in sheer silky curtains. Tired. Strange sleep for the past two nights, restless. Today was a good day, sunny and cold and a museum visit after work with many friends. Grateful for a warm lit house, for a younger brother and a younger sister, who teach me so much about sharing, forgiveness and letting go.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

9:42 living room

2nd day of abstinence.
stuffy head cold, left work early, but did errands in the afternoon sunshine. home to put more photos up around my room, watch half of a Merlin episode with Luke, then go nap. Rouse myself and do billing, then enjoy soup and bread and sweet potato, and stop. Low key exercise to Belly Dance DVD, wonderful brief stretching, finish Merlin with Luke, Facebook photo update. Feeling relaxed and a bit high from ThermaFlu. Have to put my winter tires in the car for tomorrow, but think i'll save that for the morning. Shower. Grateful for this family, frustrating and insightful and helpful and loving. Not grateful for cats who poop in my bathroom.