Sunday, August 30, 2009

10:59 Living room

End of a dexter episode hit me today, will get that in here later.
another day of compulsive eating. but if these past four days have anything of a lesson for me to learn, it is that i need to continue working for faith. i need to truly let go so i can come to believe in a higher power that will guide me to my destiny. to 'me'. to wholeness and serenity. away from brokenness and insanity. to love.
a day of different directions and viscosities. but through its troubles, there was a beautiful sense of peace. in the afternoon anyway. then the darkness sparked and i failed to move away, so as to deny it fuel. so it flamed and then burned. and then i burned, in anger , and drowned, in helpless tears. i needed to move so i got an exercise DVD but was torn as to whether I should do it. that would be considered purging, but I knew i would feel better if i made it through some of it. then a voice from somewhere to the side; i heard 'god wouldnt want me to suffer, to feel bad'. and so i punched and kicked and then cried and talked to mum, and felt calmer. still uneasy and unsettled, but no longer like i was going to explode and burst into flames.
let go, have faith, that you higher power, God, Guiding Spirit, have good things in store for me, meaningful things full of purpose. you will lead me to where i need to go, help me to be the person, the human i need to be.
"it was always right there. i had to say goodbye in order to reconnect with whats really important. with who i was. with who i have to be."Dexter, Season 2, Episode 2 (54:00)
goodbye to fear in God, fear of faith. I am worthy. I am important. I will be something great. i am in your hands Guiding Spirit. Guide me.

1:55 computer room

so if yesterday and last night were an opening of the soul, today was the zipping it back up.
maybe watching Dexter re-runs wasnt the best cataylst for my personal plumbing of mind and spirit.
angry, sad. binged multiple times again today. tried to mediatate this afternoon, to really feel the emotions, but kept falling asleep, was so tired. the metting this morning was great, lots of people, lots of perspective, both through struggle and recovery.
i just feel so fucked right now. and im fucking myself over. these past three days have been like a steamroller. i have done nothing but eat and watch tv. tired, cranky, and frusterated.
i will eat breakfast tomorrow morning and get back on track. repeition and perserverance. break the cycle, make the good habits. and pray. all the motions are tied up in faith and hope. faith and hope, faith and hope, faith and hope...
dear guiding spirit, please, let me feel you again, let me lose this foggy mind, cotton ball body, and ragged spirit. lead me to the light. open a crack in my cell so i can bask in it, renew my hope to escape this numbing prison.
stealing, sneaking, selfish existence.
this is not me. i dont want to live that life.
i need sleep.
grateful for the promise of tomorrow, a new day, a day taken one moment at a time.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

1:17am computer room

maybe i wont ever get it. i just dont get it and maybe i wont ever get it.
past lost. feel like im in a black hole that is just going to keep sucking in light to no avail, until it collapses.
so many signs so many signs that god is out there.
so many tears falling down my face. at my frustration with myself. at the loss of hoping, starting to bloom like a dark flower. i have to pull through, i have to. but it just seems like motions. like different play parts that i go through, but always to come back to this. this insanity. which feels like...its all. no, not all. but something i cant push through. it will always come back to this?
where does this fear come from, these fears of the irrational. of monsters and demons. from myself? from the darkness i see in myself?
i cant let myself get fat. i wont take it, i cant take it. and i hate that everything is tied up with that. i feel no rationality right now, though im desperatly trying to catch a thread. ground it. ground myself, bring myself back.
we see what we choose to see. god, what do you want me to see. please, im asking you, what do you want me to see?
paradie, i want you. i want you to see light.
how? how? what do i do?
you do.
do. do the 12 steps? yes, do the 12 steps.
breathe. do. live.
i see old. an old woman. i will live to be an old woman. crying. but i will live to be an old woman.
maybe. or maybe not.
but i will continue to live. day by day. oh shame. shame and guilt. but mostly shame, so much of it, overwhelming, like a wave.
has anything changed?
i dont want this to be my life anymore? no, i do not want this to be my life anymore. whatever the next life will be, the life without it, i dont want this life anymore. this one of shame and tears.
i may be just as confused and uncertain in the next, but please, take away the shame and tears.
a child, needing to be taken care of. thats what i feel like. and shame at this.
3 binges today. 4 including over eating at lunch.
im not happy. as happy as i want to be, as happy as i feel i should be, as happy as i am trying to feel, because i know i would normally feel happy in my situation.
im not. and there is no reason not to be. i want to curl up in a ball, i cant fight anymore.
or wait. there is something still there. but i think its anger. stubborn anger. but its not strong enough. a last battalion of weary but resolved fighters.
except this isnt a battle. its something to give up. to lift out and let go. its not mine to fight, to control. and yet i keep trying. the body image. trying to make the situation work for me. but-
i do. i breathe, i do, i live.
i work the steps.
please take me. please take it away.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

10:37 Living Room

one week of abstience. the last four of those in eastern washington doing work training. and last night a blackout drink binge. which led to today's break in the weave. frighteningly hungover today, even cried a bit, so my stomach and body were torn apart as far as energy and hunger were concerned. managed some breakfast but then gave it to the toilet. lunch was munched in the car, then dinner was preceded by snacking and followed by mowning leftovers off other peoples' plates.
up and down, progress not perfection, one day at at time.
meeting tomorrow, thankful for that, that protection, that safety, that peace i feel there.
but have to honestly propose another question to myself. one i know i have been avoiding, maybe because i am afraid of the answer.
something else i need to come face to face with? something i need to end a relationship with?
its different, but similar to food. i have trouble stopping when i start. but unlike food, i dont desire booze. i rarely have a glass of wine with dinner. only when going out to a bar or dancing will i start throwing them back. and mostly end up unproperly unremembering the end of the evening and carrying a terrible hangover the next day. which always screws up my eating. because my body is out of whack.
so maybe, even if i dont truly NEED to give up drinking, it would make my abstience that much stronger.
sigh. funny how we hang on to things even though they make us feel terrible. we get so attached, in a sick kind of self destructive way, through habit.
tired but wired. first official day of work tomorrow, 8:30 sharp. shower now, then hopefully fall into sleep swiftly.
rainstorms forecasted...

Saturday, August 22, 2009


watching the end of Pink Panther (steve martin version) with my sister and her friends. don't want to write again but sure the words will flow and some good will come of them if i just start typing.
day marked by annoyance and irritability and then a wave of sadness in late evening. just didnt know what to do with myself. girls called to go out to a pub and a show but couldnt make up my mind for the longest time. finally decided to stay home, but hated feeling guilty about it so i sent a text rather than call to explain my absence.
tired, this isnt really working with the movie in the background.
4th day, praise god.
tired. emotionally spent. from nothing.

Friday, August 21, 2009

11:59 living room

most of me just wants to go to bed but a sliver says i should write and get the day out of my system so i can sleep.
the clarity im feeling is unreal, almost like taking a drug, the altered state is so dramatic. my third day of abstinence :) amazing really, thinking back to how hard that first night was.
today was so rollar coaster, anxiety riddled. call from my friend this morning and made evening plans to see a free music show downtown. good, get me out of the house, safe, with a close old friend. but then she mentioned going to a house warming party for an old high school mate. alarms went off in my head but i was excited at the same time so i agreed. through yard work, through my shower, through laundry and other puttering around the house till i left, i struggled with thoughts of judgement and reception. my whole day was spent thinking about it! whether or not to go, how it would pan out. i had decided against it, but then we carpooled so i couldnt leave my girlfriend hanging. talking to her in the car made me feel better though, getting my anxieties out in the open. listened to the first band then left for a meeting. this one was different, it included writing and meditation. it was wonderful :) such a good homey comforting energy. i shared and included my anxities about the house warming and coming home late and at the end of the meeting almost everyone told me to call them if i needed, to support me going to bed without binging. AMAZING! i felt centered and grounded in that place, i felt ME. driving down to seattle, i was having a complex about who to present as myself at the party, what role i should play. but after the meeting, that frustration just crumbled into dust like a dried mud puddle under my feet. arrived at the house and immedietly my body was out of control, heart hammering, eyes darting around, fast breathing. afterwards, Sarah said she never saw any of those symptoms. oh how well we hide our problems. 20 minutes of the party, talking with Sarah and a few others in close conversation was greatly enjoyable. the rest was...lame. college graduates still playing beer pong to booty shake music blaring out of the stereo, unable to talk about anything of importance. well, to be honest, i didnt really try having conversations with them. but i feel like if i did, they wouldnt have gotten any where. happy to leave, tired and out of place. realized i have to admit my alcholic tendencies to myself, and made a decision not to have a drink there- it would have led to blackout, that i have no doubt in my mind- which made me feel even more akward, no social lubrication.
now home, late, tired. more guests arrived tonight, australian family, this house is bursting. but i will keep praying and reading and i think i will call a few people tomorrow. connection. fellowship. love :)
so grateful for friends who i can be crazy around, who i can take the time to find myself around.
thank you god for a chance to live this beautiful life.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

10:53 computer room

thoughts from last night driving home:
a good day
a great meeting
time for sleep
a night embraced.
and embraced it was, sleeping 11 hours of desperately needed deep dark. a good dark.
and there was my first day of abstinence :) a bit snarky when i went to bed around 10, but that was to be expected.
and here is my second day of abstinence :) didn't go to a meeting but sat down at 7:30 when the meeting would have started and did reading and workbook writing. It was wonderful. Emotional at one point, had to put down my pen and rest my head in my hands, but overall so necessary to embody the past and reality. Its funny how powerful writing something down can be, like that transfer of thought from mind to paper accrues power on its trip down the neck, picks up weight through the arm and then takes on tangible meaning as it shoots out the fingers.
a second night. almost unthinkable yesterday.
but like the tanned fit wide blue eyes said yesterday night in her share, it can come on at any moment, at any minute, you can fall again, even after a lengthy period of abstinence, and so you have to be ready, you have to be prepared, by being involved in the program and strong with your higher power.
i feel it. feel you. my guiding spirit. you are resting in my chest. a weight, but a welcome one, like the weight of a heavy blanket that wraps around you while you watch the storm from your porch. or the weight of a mug of hot tea in your hands after a long day of physical and mental exertion. or the weight of a warm body pressed against you, in a loving hug or sensual embrace.
comfort, healing, love. these are all what we need.
I found an old email going through my inbox, trying to find the login for one of those accounts you never use but suddenly unexpectedly need access to. the email was about kindness, sent to me from my stepdad last september, when i was really starting to try to find a 'solution' to my problem. When was the last time lasting change ever came about from force or coercion? You can punish yourself into something, but chances are the results wont have staying power. But what if you treating yourself with respect and positive encouragement? And let yourself make mistakes?
I know i have greatly underestimated the power of positive thinking and positive self talk. Just telling yourself, "Im happy", when you are feeling bummed, over and over again, can bring a lift to your step. of course in the beginning, you say it furiously or pathetically, but then eventually, maybe because it sounds so ridiculous, you start laughing. And when you sincerely laugh, you can't stay angry or sad for long.
I stepped on a rake yesterday and it smacked me in the head. Just like a cartoon or an old black and white. Slap stick. HA. it hurt like hell. but then, because i had actually managed to hit myself with a rake, i started to laugh, and the laughing made the pain almost dissapear.
thats not to say we need to shoo away all our pain. laughter cant take away the deepest hurts, even cynical laughter, which most of us use much too often.
Step one workbook questions ask you to look at your relationship with your emotions. And in turn with your family and friends and yourself.
i have buried my emotions so deep under food I lost myself. Im only just beginning to scrub off the layers and layers of dirt caked around my spirit, to find who i am and what i truly believe deep down. To find that intuitive light inside. Its exciting, discovering yourself, almost like opening an old present you forgot about. But its also frightening. its hard work scraping of the dirt. but i read a metaphor somewhere that i felt hit a chord in me, a note chimed somewhere and i looked up with a shine in wide eyes. the passage said to think of yourself as a beautiful peice of polished wood that has been tossed on the forest floor and accumulated layers of dirt and moss and leaves. first you find yourself, the object. then you begin to break down its outer barrier until you reach the hidden treasure inside :) maybe a bit hokey, but i love it.
i am a beautiful piece of wood,
i am a beautiful piece of wood...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

12:50 computer room

its funny how many frames of mind we can inhabit during the space of one day.
frames of mind; focusing on our surroundings with varying degrees of clarity and understanding. how do these views come into being? how are they related and connected, how does one shift from the last to the next? is it choice? or instinct? a neighbor stops by to chat when I was deeply involved in dirty yard work- mostly i would have put my conciousness 'behind me' and made small talk until i found an excuse to excuse myself. but today, when the man with the two dogs stopped to talk, i found myself extremely focused- on what he was saying, on how i was staring, on the quality of the early afternoon light. it was unusual. im not sure why it happened. then instead of giving a white lie to escape the mindless chatter, i told him directly that i needed to get back to digging my hole and moving my rocks so goodbye. and all was okay.
space of one day; time and space, such an interesting concept. we divide ourselves into notches on a circle. why do we have such a need for time? sometimes i wish i could just live a week, in a cabin on a lake, with no clocks. just the sun, setting and rising, and the wind blowing and the water lapping, and me following my body's needs whenever they arose, not to the dictation of a tock tick rapping at my brain. yet it is so engrained in me, i feel time. i can generally guess the approximation of the hands when i first wake up and throughout the day, regardless if i have actually seen the time recently or not. though night is harder to judge. it moves either so swiftly you find yourself startled by the lightening of the sky, or so slow you want to burn your bed in kerosene and rip the twisted sheets to shreds.
i worked steadily outside for 2 and a half hours, at a steady pace, and greatly enjoyed it. had a small cup of coffee as my brother left for the weekend. had lunch, an egg sandwhich, around 1. did great, followed through on my eating directions until around 10:30. 10:30! i think i need to make another note to the list; brush teeth as soon as i finish dinner. though i know that really wont help. i should have gone to the meeting tonight. i felt it. walking around the deck, talking to a girlfriend. i even told her. but i didnt want to drive through rush hour. well, really? i didnt mind. i was just holding myself back. 'fear makes cowards of us all'. just watched Persepolis on netflix. great film, the animation strengthened the cyncial humor and emotions of the characters.
my sister came to me tonight all aflame with passion about a book she was reading. she shot out the plot line in rapid fire that i was half attentive to, then read aloud a passage about the Lord and being grateful. she had tears in her eyes. they were glowing. i was in the middle of a numbing session (that hit out of nowhere, seemingly).
i live in a beautiful existence. but i do not live a beautiful life.
i rest in a large house full of character and love and anger and passion and frustration and intellect and insight and smelly animals. i have a mother and step father and brother and sister who i care about so deeply, i only just realized part of the apathy i have was because i was afraid to think about a futur with them, in case i ever lost them. i let myself feel that hope today, and it was exciting and refreshing. to grow and learn with these people, and they are my people. who will we become? what will we do? I get to wait for this :) And i wouldn't miss it for the world.
5 years ago i wanted to die. 3 years ago i got a tattoo to save me from ever taking my own life. to remind me. that there was always someone else I could help, even if i thought my life was worth shit. 2 years ago i got another tattoo to pound in the message to my cynical ego that everything will be all right, that everything goes around and i will find my place and way.
now i am coming to truly believe this. small miracles surrond me, us, everyday, if we only open ourselves to them. i am still struggling with the idea that i have some control, that i can continue to live an unhealthy lifestyle with a emotional attachment to food. it frightens me how fast that barrier against...what needs to be done (i was going to say 'truth', but i struggle with that word)...reasserts itself.
i am tired. but i am grateful, so grateful, for my life and the chance i have to live it. and the chances im being given now, the pathways that are being shown to me, for me to walk down, all i have to do are take those small steps, just small steps...
i want to feel more aware right now, this entry is very stream of conciousness, but a weight of fatigue and emotional eating are pushing down on my forhead and the top of my skull.
wash my face and...sleep. but first i think i will light some candles and sway around my basement room for a song or two, to let go. to embrace. to let be.
its going to be a hot one tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

12:59 Dining Room

listening to my stepdad drill about drugs...
holidays from life's problems...
"you wouldnt want to make a permanent lifestyle of avoiding bad emotions". This would be dehabilitating. not experencing and growing through emotions means you dont grow up.
true. but its just so easy in the moment. to shove down that anxiety that crawls up to the surface, for whatever reason. and its slightly tantalizing, that idea of never growing up. of living in a fantasy mind world. oh that escape to never never land is so tempting, so teasing. because you know you shouldn't, you CANT! ...but you can, for a moment, for a few hours, forget about everything, obliterate yourself, lose yourself in the focus of filling your body as a false front for numbing your mind.
patience. i think its all about patience. ah, please help me foster and nurture and be serene with patience.
i did go to a meeting tonight. I almost missed it. i was three streets down, at another church, go figure, but the wrong one. wrong directions. hesitant about going to the right chruch once i realized my mistake, because i didnt want to be late. But i jumped in the car and drove up the hill just to scope out the area for next time. But, but. There was a parking spot right in front of the entrance. It was almost without thinking that i flicked on my blinker and quickly parallel parked, sweat running down my neck. Scurried inside down a long hallway and finally found the right room, a full room, and head-bowed-shuffled to a fold out chair next to the wall.
it was almost surreal.
the sun was setting and shinning through the old curtains, giving the room a deep orange glow. the thick dark mustard carpet was stained and the walls were medium beige, the long oblong table was dark wood with a thick glass plate resting on top. it was all very 70s. a speakers meeting, a very interesting share, about her past craziness and anger and how those two demons ruled her life. about how different she was now, how her life couldnt even compare, how she know owned a house and had a steady job.
everyone ended up sharing, some people twice. it was an unusual meeting for me in that many of the shares had nothing to do with food, or mentioned food as background scenery. a middle aged man who i thought wasnt going to share, cleared his throat and in a very commanding tone started ranting about his mother. all very interesting. some insights. but also exhausting. mentally exhausting. walked out with a young lady who was very nice and clued me into phone and on-line meetings, which im definetly going to check out.
but here i am at home. a very large binge under my belly and weighing on my spirit.
tonights topic was surrender. how perfect. sometimes the readings mention that we have to lose all control to allow sanity back into our lives. we have to realize we've lost it before we can ever hope to find it.
on the verge of helpless tears again. again. again. how many times do i have to lose myself.
alright. i surrender to the fact that i do need a food plan. i surrender to the fact that i need to cut certain foods out of my life.
but im so scared, fearful of the effects these changes in my lifestyle will have. especially starting a new job. i get anxious and stressed so easily. without my 'using'.
i felt so shitty this morning, the hangover effects of too many carbs and sugars racing around in my blood before rest. and yet here i am again.
i surrender. i do. but im not sure how much longer i can surrender for.
or maybe im fooling myself and i havnt completely let go. to take the real, true steps.
yes, this is going to be very difficult. im crying now. face screwed up against the tears. but maybe i should just let them fall. run down my checks and off my chin.
that does feel better.
guiding spirit please help me completely surrender. help me understand that letting go of one pain to feel another is just part of the journey. and that as the road continues, it will get better. please help me realize this.
oh god please help me.
i believe, i believe, but that light is surronded by so great a wide and deep chasm of fear and pain. fear so old and pain so burried i dont even know where or what these monsteres were born of.
i understand ineed to surrender myself wholely and completely to this journey, this program, these steps in order to change. i understand i have to be willing.
i am afraid. but i am willing.
i begin to surrender.

Monday, August 17, 2009

1:12am Living Room - The Lathe of God

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
time. just. keeps. moving. on...
trying to understand, this is trying to control. trying to understand purpose and meaning, thats trying to control. i need to let this go for a while? i need to let this go for a while. the agonising search for meaning. maybe by letting go, i will come that much closer to it. i can only pray.
last night, was it only last night?, the Kings of Leon concert was phenominal. Very present for it. But disconnected at the same time. I was so present that i was disconnected from any worries or fears. Almost entirely disconnected from my ego, my concious self. Free to release into emotion and senses. Let my body move how it wanted to and all felt right in the world. A bit lonely afterwards, as the others were even more stunned than I was from the intensity of the show. "A gift from God', her mother called it. She just sat there, her mouth slightly open, eyes staring past the broken plastic cups and beer soaked floor, into the ghosts of the music echoing around the stage. Though Devotchka was playing, actually. beautiful that. Took a while, kept my calm, finally boarded a bus. Jumped off first, and walked up McDonald to the girls' house, though I would be the only girl in it that night, they were all partying at cabins in the woods or on a lake. Stopped by the boys' house and had a very nice chat. In to bed around 12:30 i would guess, but very awake, composing a letter in my head, a message about the concert to a boy who would have very much liked to have seen the show. Woke this morning at 6 to use the toilette, wide awake though, grinning. Dozed until 8, then rolled out of that wonderfully comforting bed. Its so interesting how different beds can be so much more appealing than your own. I find I fall asleep better almost anywhere besides my actual bed. The place where im supposed to sleep. Considering the couch tonight, actually. A beautiful morning. Sitting on their porch with a cup of chai tea and rice milk, I felt like I was at a cabin. A late summer early morning, with the first nip of fall in the air. Delicious but slightly bittersweet. Drove the grey bus to the house to load up my furniture then spent 3 hours at the mall, consuming. Bouncing up to the top floor I sliced my toe on the escalator, resulting in a call to security, a professionally medically bandaged 'helix', and them shutting down the escalator to 'investigate'. mama mia ;) Back to the house, engage in bad old habits and then dive into bad old habits as carloads of my family arrived and my stress levels bounced around like Angel's rubber chew toy. Finally left around 6. And left vancouver for home around 9. In the car, daydreaming wonderfully to bassnectar, realized that trying to deny the fact that i wanted to eat when i got home was trying to control. So i allowed myself to realize i wanted to eat. But beyond that, i wasnt sure what to do. still not sure. so i ate. so much that now i feel ill and depleted. and inevitably wondering about purpose. but deciding i need to let purpose and meaning fall into the hands of my guiding spirit. but truly, all of it? do i structure my days mechanically then? mechanically never worked. do i structure at all? i need guidance on guidance...
i think a meeting would do me good, i think a meeting, a meeting, would do me good. today. this evening. because it is now tomorrow.
The Lathe of God is a book written in 1971 about the future in which a man named George Orr dreams 'effective dreams' that change reality. And about his psychatrist who tries to control what he dreams. And about free will and the greater good and...a lot of very interesting topics, that made for a bad night read, because they just got me riled up and eating to distance myself from the hard topics that were being tilled.
Feel physically awful.
Think ill go to bed.
"...gonna be somebody...", "...use somebody...", " there for you..."

Friday, August 14, 2009

11:24 Living Room

We all have choices.
Its okay to make mistakes.
Who are we, who am I, to play God. When I make a misstep, I get so angry at myself that the humiliation of the error burns itself into my psyche, allowing perfect detailed recall - months, years later! - of the painful emotions I experienced in that moment.
Who am I to assume I should be perfect? Why do I get to place myself on a pedestal above other people? Forgiving others for fumbles but not myself, is this not degrading to fellow human beings? Is this not indicating that I find myself on a higher plane, to be more accountable for my mistakes?
Yes. yes to all this.
Letting go of my terror at personal failure, at being to laugh, TRULY laugh, at my idiocy and wrongs: this is humility. Taking the tart ripe berries of vain pride and mashing them up and baking them into a humble pie. When you think of pride, you might think of a pompous athlete or over zealous parents. But pride can also take the guise of over humility (beating oneself down unrealistically, 'i should have accomplished first place, only my stupidity stopped me'), if it goes too far. And really, this is just as bad. Humility and Pride, such interesting siblings.
I 'mistaked' tonight. I'm starting to shape ideas about control, and tonight I discovered I am much more attached to control than I thought. I missed a meeting that I had been looking forward to, because of family activities and traffic (that almighty epitome of lack-of-control; a veritable chaotic jousting arena). I couldn't relax exactly how I wanted to once I was home, because of visitors. So I lost control over my eating. I wasnt able to control my environment or my emotions and so I lost the final element: eating.
Control. I think of car terms, like Cruise or Petrol. Mechanical.
But mechanics break down, often in inopportune situations. And so just as we, I, can't ultimately rely on mechanics, so I also cannot rely on control. I have to give it up.
Tonight I think I was ephinized with Step Three. A guiding spirit said, "well my dear, its going to hurt, but I'm servin' it to ya".
Wills can also be thought of as wants. So by turning my life over to the care of a higher power, I'm not serving my brain on a silver platter to a hungry universal force. But rather, Im giving my wish list to a guiding spirit. Im taking away my will to force my wants, to control the outcome of my desires. I still have my wants. But I am sending them in a letter to the big Mr and Mrs Clause in the sky, who I am coming to believe in...
This is how I have shaped these ideas thus far. Just a beginning. I know I have a ways to go to understanding, to begin to understand how much I have to understand. Or not understand. To know how much I need to just let go and let be.
This is very hard for me. I need to work more on this step, read more shape more ideas about control, building on 'powerless'.
One day at a time. Progress over perfection.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Living Room 11:47

Well, ...
Its almost midnight and I'm about to go to bed. A year ago, a season ago, a month ago...maybe even a week ago...this probably would not have happened. Been able to happen. Been able to have been conceived of happening. Because of the addiction.
Addiciton, disease, dilemia, complusion, problem, mental illness. Its all very complicated and fascinating. To have a desire for a thing or a process that is so overwhelming, it takes over. Everything. It turns you into a body, that is reined by the Need. Your mind is weakened, your spirit darkened, your soul dimmed. Without you even knowing it. It can turn your entire brain mechanics into a labyrinth of personalities, just so the truth of it can never be found, never be entirely understood.
Then one day. One day at a time, you slowly realize you don't know who you are. Who you have become, who you even were in 'the past', whatever that shadowy place is. Time stretches and shrinks all around you, you feel insane, you are insane, you are insanity itself. You scream, you cry, you laugh. You want out.
And then you dont. Because the Addiction has become your life and you it. You are an Addiction. How can you deny yourself what inherently structures every cell and spark of your body and soul?
Because its a lie. Its all a lie.
And slowly. Slowly, slowly, you rise. You rise and fall, rise, sink, fall, rise, drown in anger, frustration, grief, sadness, helplessness, rage, terror, guilt, uncertainty, denial. You fall. And let go.
And that is the key to your salvation.
3 minutes to midnight. I like to be in bed by midnight now. A year ago? Unthinkable. A season ago? Ponderable. A month ago? Hoped for. A week ago? Attempted.