Monday, November 30, 2009

11:23 living room

i need to get to bed.
but it was a really good day. happy. =fulfilling: connected, accomplished, loved and loving. And not obsessing about food. It was present, but a good present. A great meeting, lots of emotions and empathy and looking back and looking forward and being realistic. The compulsion is like having headphones in, the speaker explained. Insanity is when its a blaring that isolates you from everything else. The program helps you turn downt the volume. Yes, another share continued the image, but I have to remember, even when they are hanging around my shoulders, that they are hanging around my shoulders. I will always have these headphones with me, I can't ever forget that. The program helps me practice recovery, she said, so that when i really need help, its a lot easier to use the tools, because i've conditioned myself to turn to them, rather than food. You can't go past it, B said, rubbing her eyes, you have to go through it. Through the fire, my step-dad agrees.
Today was a good day and I can hang on to it for what it was. I pray to remain focused though, and present, and not let one good day take me away from my reality, my headphones. Helping the bro on his college application. A valiant effort but not enough to make the difference for years worth of slack. Just like one day isn't going to brush away years worth of spiritual yearning and mental unbalance.
Time. Time, time, time.
Grateful for fellowship. Grateful for solitude. I pray to nurture my humility and compassion. I pray for the strength and courage to dedicate to program. To commit to spiritual recovery. To look my fear in the face, and walk past it. Grateful for electricity.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

8:32 living room

Wonder if this is the earliest post yet. Tiiired. Great afternoon of laser tag and big mechanical swing and bumber boats and arcade games. After wonderful lunch and lovelmaking with the boy. Very lifted and blissful after, felt so right tucked against him. Chin on his ribs, fingers playing with his curly chest hair, it was very present, very moment-ous.
Feel good now. Had a reasonable dinner. And some wine. Mum talked with me at the end, and I finished. Stopped eating. A bit of a push, but 'this too shall pass' ran through my head, and I became excited and relaxed at the thought of washing my hair, a hot shower.
Let myself be what it felt to be. It seems to work, I think I will continue this. And connecting. Reaching out. And reading. Reaching in.
Grateful for a sister and brother to help put up christmas decorations.

12:21 am

(last night, i wrote:
my stomach is itchy and my nipples are painfully tight. i had nuts tonight, the top food I should not eat. But they were here, around me all day. I think i did well until them. I ate a large dinner early but then brushed my teeth. Watching a movie tonight, i was hungry around 10:30, late to be eating, but I had an apple and peanut butter and was satisfied. Except for those damn nuts. So i had some grapes instead. But then finally caved to the plastic bucket, WHEN MY MOTHER AND STEPDAD had left. But I did well the rest of the day, eating breakfast and snack and lunch and stopping.
But I ignored two calls from A. I finally printed some pictures out at costco, of friends and me. But i think its a bit hypocritical to savour the static memories of film and leave real (present moment) connections unheeded. Fog tonight, a bright moon. A cold night, no cloud cover.
I wish I had not over eaten at dinner so I wouldn't feel compelled to not eat the rest of the night. I wish I hadn't eaten those nuts and grapes. But wishful thinking of the past will only let more present moments pass by and be wished for again.
Today was an odd day, but tomorrow is a new day. Another day. I pray to capture magic. To find it in the world, in myself. Grateful for imagination in its many forms. Watched Hellboy II tonight, amazing costume and makeup. And fantastical storyline. Half Pan's Laybrinth, half Lord of the Rings. Great :) Truly, I wish to be a warrior. A peaceful one if it may happen. I know I have a long way to go. And maybe a teacher. A teacher I seek...)
Tonight, I write:
Fibrously bubbly and waterly bloated from who knows what, during babysitting tonight. But...but. I feel present. Aware that my attitude is what counts. Just starting to read the forward to Victor Frankl's "Search for Meaning". Sounds fascinating. We cant change our circumstances but we can always control our response to our surroundings. And that life isn't inherently a search for pleasure, but for meaning. Amen. Now how to cut the restraints of the illness and walk free in that search. I can't control that I have this sickness. But I can control my response. Which, rationally, would be to seek spiritual solace and consular guidance. Individually or in group. I am on the journey of recovery. Please, I pray for the strength to look around me and listen to the voices of the spirits rather than just stumbling along looking at my feet. A talk with A, not exactly present, but it was what it needed to be. I would that i could hold onto this present focus. This feeling of being Here. Come to a point where the focus is total, complete. I hope, someday.
Hope. Blooming eternal. Even when all the petals fall, the wick is still green. I forgive myself tonight, and I am grateful for feeling that a positive attitude can make all the difference. Tired. Grateful for a sturdy house.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

11:01 computer room

A good day, but feel distanced from my inner-self. Feeling like a child or trying to not feel like a child, but never quite finding the balance in between. I guess I can be thankful for feeling young because this will definitely be of benefit in later years ;) Combing through papers on my desk and floor, I found one sheet from the art walk I went to at the beginning of this month. Ross Sawyers "Contained Within". His photographs were striking, almost like paintings. Constructed rooms, empty mostly (one has a lonely pile of sawdust in one corner), except for billowing plastic, that look like ethereal spirits, around the glowing windows, that seem to hold either epiphany or Apocalypse behind them. Its description is pulling, i feel riveted by what it wants to convey: "The intensity and quality of the raking light take hold and pulls us into a world where nothing seems right. Each space appears solid, but its edges are too sharp and thin. There is little distance between inside and outside, locating a nuanced threat just beyond these rooms." I feel this now. In a place of transition, where things are uncertain. I feel fake; not deliberately, but like im trying to hold something together that Im not really sure what it looked like to start with. Clasping a jumble of blocks together with my hands, but knowing they don't belong like this. Knowing I have to let them all fall, and then begin to assemble the structure. I feel like i am transparent; and in contrast, im afraid to look inside, but i want the inside to burst out of this paper thin mold. Not angry; a little frustrated; uncertain. I think its time to delve more. To try to reach inside, to connect with a Higher Power by going deeper inward.
There is a quote about treatment and expectations of others. Treat them low and they will live up to your standards. Treat them as if they were capable and good, and they will reach up to the best they can be. I like the concept. But its difficult to follow, especially when annoyed with the other person. My sister picks me to no end. And I get angry and upset and I let my frustration show. Frustration with her disrespect, with her irreverence, with her moodiness. But she is a human being all her own. I cannot control anything of her. I can show her love and try to live the best I can and if my values resound with her then she can follow them too, in her own way. We are different. And this is a very good thing. But sometimes its hardest to accept differences within your own family, especially in the immediate circle. I want the best for her, but is my concern selfish? I think it is truly wrong how she displays her disregard for other's ideas and opinions so strongly. But I think that is also learned. I actually cried from the look on my step-dad's face today when he reacted to a statement of mine. It was pure disgust and contempt. He later apologized, but its incredible to me how in our own home, to our own sisters and brothers and mothers and fathers and daughters and sons, we can be the most cruel.
But I am still every thankful for my family, for the lessons they teach me and the opportunities we give each other to grow and learn. I pray for the strength to grow patience and humility with everyone in this house, including myself. Today was not perfect, but it wasn't bad. And like A mentioned, OA teaches us that perfection isn't what we seek. We seek serenity. A place in this world where we give and receive love and compassion. Where I live in the moment, and my life is made up of moments. Where I am thankful and grateful for the breath of my body and the joy of being alive. Of simply being alive. For the chances and the choices that life gives, if we are open to them.

12:16 bedroom

There is a poem, by Shel Silverstein, called "Boa Constrictor" about a man being eaten by a Boa and explaining the situation as it progresses until "Oh dread, it's upmmmmmmmmmmmmfffffff." and he's eaten up to his head.
Knowledge, without right action, can be useless. Something that can be conveyed in a children's poem.
A binge tonight. An exciting, but hectic, run around of errands after leaving early from news reading and web browsing at work. Snow gear sale rummaging with Luke and pictures at costco and yarn and needles and Michaels and groceries at Safeway. Started out not bad at home, but I didn't have a plan for dinner, and I didn't take the time to truly relax, and that made the difference. Watched a tv show i really don't find that complex or engaging, but its distracting enough when married with carbs and sugar. Decided to do a small exercise after, and felt calmer after stretching. Tired now, but felt I should put some words down.
Grateful for many things, but especially now, for the right to sleep and rest. Some don't have the privlage of this simple pleasure. Love to the world.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

11:30 bedroom

Now it is my turn for words. What will I shape, what will spin from my fingers. A tapestry of color and texture, smooth or rough, hemmed or loose ended. An idea, a dream of a stone house. But that dream seems closer than I ever thought it could be. I can hold it in my hands, here, in a wooden house, with large grass swathes, hemmed by woods, sloped and curved and straightened. With a swing and a firepit and a forest path. Here, I can begin to give my dreams substance and shape. It feels right, being home, now. I'm not sure of the time after this work period, but Now feels Right. And this I can attribute to 12 steps being taken slowly, but with the support of those around me. Who, as I reach out to them, keep me firmly on the ladder. Who, as I let myself care about them, unknowningly are a force of love pushing me on to the next level of recovery, of Life. Because thats what it feels like. Grasping a hold on the bright and the dark of light, for longer periods of time, rather than just snatches between the fog. I must have both. TOnight, a wave of empathetic pain for my mother, understanding the pain of a mother, but accepting it from the understanding of her child, as the way it is. My brother, with his wonderful coherent words on his views. Views that my mother lived through, that I lived through, that we both understood to only bring us pain. But that she wants to stop at all cost, to help him avoid that pain. But that I understand he has to hold, and maybe continue to hold, for he is his own being, seperate from my mother and I, in order to continue on his own journey. Same with the sister. I cannot make her life easier, I cannot take away the challenges and pain she will face in growing up, anymore than I can take away the pains of my past, or the pain I know will come in my future. I can only hold on to this moment, this moment of breath, this breath, and be grateful for the joys that it holds. Beyond all pain. There is always joy. Joy in the breath itself. This is a hard concept to hold onto, especially when in the throws of confusion and fear. But I think that practicing gratitude and appreciation of joy can help one through the dark. And help one realize that the dark isn't any more real than you make it. Nothing is real. Reality is a figment. Maybe. Nothing is certain. But I am becoming aware that there is a way to serenity, that serenity does exist, and one can share it. Through love. Through compassion. Through letting go. Grateful for the space freed by not overeating, to connect and engage and reflect. In otherwords- to Live.

Monday, November 23, 2009

11:18 living room

An unexpectedly calm night. sitting sideways in the rocking recliner, clean and wrapped in a blue robe. a while of wide eyed staring wonder of pictures from last year's burning man. i really had no idea, really, how bleak, how magnificent, how other worldly it really is. a challenge, an escape. thats how i feel about it now.
a great day. bones cracked in the morning, then lots of connection at work. Supervisor back and weekend events shared with co-workers. Tasks completed. I feel good about what I did today, what I accomplished. It was simple, it was normal, but it feels great. A short meeting with Ruthie, who was a bit calmly agitated (that mode where you are irked but are suppressing it) and scattered as usual. Power shut off but I managed to heat up my microwave dinner in a pot on the gas stove. Survival. Could I survive Burning Man? Yes. Could I survive it well? Depends on preperation. And attitude. Knowledge and right action.
If you bring forth what is within you
what you bring forth will save you
If you do not bring forth what is within you
what you do not bring forth will destroy you
jesus christ
gospel of thomas
The speaker at tonight's meeting shared her story slowly and without great detail. But it was still powerful. Her poem at the end was raw and ripe with delightful metaphors and phrases. I will ask her to email it to me, if she doesn't mind. I would like to read it again. Sometimes, usually, I need to read things to really internalize them. Thats my trouble with languages. I see them before I hear them. I get caught up in the details, rather than the basic objective, the purpose. The spelling of the conjugation rather than the sound.
Where will my life lead me? I have a purpose and I will do what I can. To fill my spirit and to share the love I find.
Grateful for an abstinent night. For its clarity. For its space. For the magic I feel everything is a screen and I just have to peel back this top layer to see the essence underneath. Right now, its black and neon and flashy and soft and brilliant in my mind. But who knows, who knows. And it could change all the time. As we do.
Grateful for peace tonight. With myself. With my world.

12:12 am

Please, God - Greater Powers - Forces and spirits of the Earth and Universe - Inner Spirit, Inner Light and Darkness -
help me overcome this illness.
help me find solace for my spiritual confusion and fear.
help me find serenity
help me find balance.
help me build patience and humility.
help me draw on the courage and love of the spiritual universe.
I am grateful for hope. Hope for something Good. Something good out there, in my future, in my present. Something that is waiting for me.
Hope for strength.
To stop hurting myself.
I am grateful for the wonders and opportunities of my life. Please, God, help me find courage and strength and patience and humility to work with them to create Good. To find and share Love. And come to a point of acceptance of my Life.
Do what feel right, now. Take joy in small moments, but keep your eyes lifted ahead. Open, clear and alert. Listen. Love. Be heard. Share.
I spent last night with C. Too much groping at the show, and the music itself was too loud and punk. Entertaining, but I couldn't really get into it. Then we walked around for a while after, him repeating himself and attention seeking. On my nerves, but I was enough bemused to not really address it. He was too drunk to talk to anyway. A slightly cold drive to the house he was dog sitting at, and a rally in the hot-tub, im sure to the delight of his neighbors; hopefully the jets were loud enough. An exhausted sleep and slow wake up, but an unexpectedly bursting orgasm. Dress, back to his place for lunch. Very tired. Talked a little about Shaun, not sure why, but it felt right. Burned a CD, YouTube videos of dogs and spongebob and pugs. Laughed, but tired. Skipped a Thanksgiving party, though I think I would have enjoyed it if I went. Home and binge. Though I called A first. But still went right into it. Overdrive. Then break, to town for recycling and groceries. Then back to dinner. Then pie at the neighbors. Both nice. But then a late night binge. Started with an orange. Then more, then bread, crackers, typical sugars and carbs. Then candy. Watching a documentary called "Deliver us from evil" about the Catholic church's cover up of pedagogy pedophilia. Stopped eating, finally. Sunken. Sadness, the soul tumbling like my shoes in the dryer, banging against my walls. The tears come, reaching into the eyes of my reflection for truth, for answer. For strength. For hope. Please, help me overcome this illness, help me find spiritual solace.
Now anger, starting to heat. But anger will get nothing. It feels good for the moment. But so does bingeing.
Its you, God. Earth. Universe. Powers. Forces. Force. I reach out. For guidance. For courage. For strength. For humility. For love. Love.

Friday, November 20, 2009

11:48 living room

a unfurling of anger, a resurgence. a two-binge afternoon and night, intermixed with true problem solving and social interaction. a short catch up with claire.
two sessions. maybe a wake up call to heed the inner voice inside when it beckons. to not let the light flicker with my ignorance. I need some space. To breath. to think. to come again to my inner self. I need meetings for perspective. Steps for action. Together 'inspiration and applied knowledge'. Success according to Jay Kordich, juice master. Borrowed his book from the library a month ago, and just started flipping through it tonight, two days after its due date has passed. Interesting. But then my sister walked into the room with a bag full of licorice. And I ate some. Then some quiche. Then a bag of graham crackers. Etc. Following a long extended afternoon over eating binge. Truly a binge, a hasty, bordering on frantic, stuffing food into my mouth, food I don't even like, food I would rather not eat. Cat one to the vet. Having litter box issues because she is stressed out by Cat two. So says vet. I just want her to stop pooping in my bathroom. Fixing the broken window and cleaning out my car tonight I realized that the thief had actually thieved- a pair of sunglasses and my expensive prescription sunglasses were gone. One out of the case, the other case and all. Angry. But mum mentioned she might still be able to get me on her coverage, now that she has a job again. Yay for being tied even snugger to the parents. Which Im not so sure why I think is such a bad thing. Something I blame for overeating. Could be a frustration of lack of control. But I think thats all mental. Mum mentioned a few times lately how my sharp reactions to her opinions are because I feel like she is judging me. Which is true. But just like I put meaning into Jerry's steps when he's in the kitchen, so do I put meaning into the implications of my mum's words. They are words. I give them shading. And I take them defensively because Im judging myself through her. Making excuses and false convictions for what im really not sure about. I think thats the kicker. She brings to light my uncertainty when I am uncertain. Talked a bit to A tonight, but it felt a bit flat. She was super perky as usual, and I generally feel cynical after overeating.
Tomorrow, today, is another day. Perspective, God, please grant me perspective. Creative spirit, that lives in everything, including me, please help me find some meaning in action. In work. In play. I need a hobby. Something to occupy my time. Exercising is fun, but its losing its appeal as a pastime. I wish for serenity. I wish for something to show for the many hours of leisure I have. Besides circles under my eyes. Besides ranting blog entries.
Grateful for OA. Grateful for different perspectives. Grateful for difference.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

11:27 living room

a full two days.
re-living shambhala in my mind. man, that dreamy place has a hold on my heart and imagination. Shook and swirled and shimmied in a place called 'Dancechurch' last night, with R from work. A non descript door with a home computer printed sign identifying it at the right place, a hesitant turn and push, then a lit smile grin at the wonderful surprise waiting inside. A room of freedom, of dance, of sweat, of tea, of two children running around, of serious bass and psychedelic light and art design. Welcome to the Transcendental Church of Bass. Sat down with a cup of chai for a while and tried to small talk over the pounding dub line, but eventually quieted and then not too long after stood up from the cushion and paced a few steps out on the polished cement floor. A loosening, a lifting of the ego. The body- thick and tight, then smooth and fluid. A ball of energy morphing with the circles of energy around you, all merging to become one collective pool of energy swirling around the room; you can feel it with the palms of your hand, push it around, play with it. Sweat drips off the tips of my tangled hair. One guy in flaming pants with silver sequins around the bottom, another looks like he just got done at the office. Someone in a golf sweater, someone in a little black dress and hooker boots, swaying hips with a secret but full smile on her face. A guy all in dark, with a hat, who i share casual glances with. But im lost in my own world. Of rubbery arms and pounding feet and head circles and inner laughter. at this freedom. no drugs. no booze. no thoughts. just...freedom. behind me the the muscle bound slim blond gleams in the low lights, sweat covering his torso. Another woman covers her head in a loose woven red scarf swaying. I could go on. and on. So many wonderful people. Sharing their passion with each other, through movement.
For a few hours, I feel lifted, I feel home.
Afterwards my mind felt risen, and I experienced the rise and fall and tightness of euphoria. Went over to the boys and had an interesting attempt at love making. A lovely rinse in the shower, then a relaxed cuddle into sleep. Walked out the next morning to broken glass around my car and a soaked seat. A moment of stun, then cynicism, then disbelief then reservation and determination. Other emotions followed throughout the day, frustration, tears, and anger. But through it all, I realized I wasn't angry at the person who did it. I was angry THAT they did it, but who they were wasn't my concern. I hope they soon come to a place where they don't have to break into people's cars to find money. And that soon after that they come to a place where they can face and atone for their mistakes. Much like I hope for myself. That soon I come to a place where I dont have to break my spirit to find a semblance of 'contentment'. At once I've had a piece of true serenity and understanding, I can face my past mistakes and ask for forgiveness and release and then move on in a positive direction.
I reached out today, to many people, and I am so thankful for this miracle. A long talk with Amy, a true heartfelt conversation. Listening and wanting to share. Maybe a bit too much, interrupted some. Knees aching a bit.
My car was broken into, but there are so many things I have to be grateful for, that I am grateful for because of this. Grateful for the support system I have. For empathy of friends and family. For options. For the fact that my purse was in the trunk. That nothing was stolen. It is a annoyance. My windows will be uneven, because now the replacement wont be tinted. But I think this break of the window was a needed break to my vanity. I still have a car to get me around. This will set me back some money, but I still have dollars left in the bank. I don't have to worry about not being able to afford next week's groceries. Or heating bill.
Thanks for the blessings of my life. But thanks also for the challenges. That help me remember the blessings.
peaceful and brave wishes out to the person who i feel hurt by. I hope they come into the means for change and find the strength in themselves to embrace it.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

10:58 game room

its been a long evening. Just a handful of minutes ago I was about to play Wii with my brother when he realized the TV was missing from our rec room. A confrontation with our younger sister, an explosion of anger and frustration, a clenching of my stomach and a tightening of my head.
But I let it go. I thought, "I cant control her; her emotions, her anger. I cant control his frustration". But i can NOT react to it. I took a few deep slow breaths, walked around the house a bit trying to find the tv (something I could solve), and when I couldn't find it, sat back down to what I was doing. A few more slow breaths. And the tightening loosened. And I am grateful. Many moments of gratitude today. Stopping overeating after dinner. Annoyed by Jerry 'hovering' around my space and the kitchen, 'looking for snacks'. So I grabbed my toothbrush because it was something i could control. But then i realized that what i thought he was doing, was just my projected anxiety onto the situation. He could have been looking for a screwdriver, or getting his thoughts together. I was giving him actions that he wasn't doing. Judging without real examination. Grateful for A, my partner in recovery, and the consistant contact I have with her throughout the day. Grateful for her outreach to me. Grateful for understanding, my attitude is my choice. THAT is what I am responsible for. Mum read me a short piece from a book she is reading, as I curled under the cover on the toasty heating blanket on her bed. About insanity and sanity. The former being doing something over and over again and expecting to get different results. The latter being...cant remember the full phrase, but something about trying new things. A refreshing walk at lunch with K and R, the short loop around the park. And a sampling of the berries i love the look of so much. Disbelief at first when R popped one in his mouth, katie and i wide eyed, thinking he would drop in convulsions. But he smiled and said he ate them all the time, and wasn't he still alive? Hesitated and cupped one of the strange fruits in my hand until we arrived back at the building then finally nibbled at its squishy yellow flesh. Surprisingly sweet and a bit tangy. He sent me the wiki article on it not long after we were inside. Strawberry tree they are called. And the fruits are quite edible. Funny how we take risks like that. But R being one of the most low-risk people I know, it wasn't really that worrisome ;) Thinking about the time I had the panic attack in the weeds, swimming with R...
full day tomorrow. feel like i could write more, but am going to do a little more of step four, then try to sleep. a very intense dream last night, real, about a beach camp. woke up, then continued dreaming when i went back to sleep. S was in it and ectasy was involved and when i woke up the first time, i felt eupohoric. it was...surprising and a bit amazing.
Grateful for shelter.

12:06 bedroom

sleepy. which is very nice.
a long day traveling for work, including a late afternoon DAT call to a house suspected of fraud. A brief scan of work emails and then scurry over to the boy's house. Through the door, begin to check my email while I wait for him. A bit off for the evening, not sharp on my game. I know because, for the first half, I was contemplating the time I needed to leave to catch the end of the meeting I was going to go to. I was going to. Before his text saying he would be home relatively early (for his work schedule) and would i like to come over for fajitas. Which I did, want to, and do. A delicious, lovely meal, small talk while he did his laundry, youtube videos and james brown. Then a love making session that was shy an yet instinctual. In my 'off' state, but letting myself be carried away by the situation. *small shiver*. Giddy wrestling and soft chatting. But I needed to go home, because I didn't have anything for the night or next day. Which, I have to acknowledge, is something to be grateful for. That I understood I needed to leave, and I did. I couldn't say that for earlier about the meeting, but 1 out of 2 aint bad ;) Felt the facial expression's of the boy on my face during the drive home. His voice in my head, his impression on my psyche. Still a bit of residual aura around me.
"I would rather have roses on my table, than diamonds on my neck" -Emma Goldman
My hair smells like carmalized onions.
I need to work the 12 steps, be in meetings, practice connections. These are going to be the tools of my healing, the way of my recovery of a spiritual illness. A malady of deficiency. These will help me understand and overcome. These will help me let go and open myself to the wisdom of the universe. To be able to be guided by Love.
I am willing. I am grateful for today's abstinence. I am grateful for fellows. I am grateful for the moments of knowing and feeling and being true to myself. Grateful to be sleeping with myself tonight.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

11:09 game room

Feeling lonely tonight. A gaping hole in my chest, a black vortex, sucking myself into it. A feeling of sadness, mild despair. Yes, and; my body is a part of me, but it is not all of me. It may be hurting, but that doesn't dictate that the rest of me has to shut down. I can still reach out, I can still reach in. Frustrated with the overall scope of my over eating this extended weekend. Feels like a normal part of my life. Feels like. Because its not and it never will be 'normal' to live with a depressed spirit. We are not meant to be lonely and sad. There is serenity and joy abounding in this world, we just have to reach out and be open to it. I'm going to do a little of step 4 before I go to bed, soon. Just a start, just to open the flood gates. I need to be inundated, I need to be tossed and turned and churned. I need to be submersed before I can swim to the surface. Reach the high shores above me so i can then climb the peaks towering even higher. Right now Im at the bottom of an empty hole. I need the water to fill it and cover me so i can reach the top.
Tomorrow will be a long day. I look forward to its productivity. I ask for strength to remain positive.
Grateful for these moments of awareness I am experiencing. Of the momentousness of the moment. Of just feeling me, being.
Grateful for friends to talk to and listen to and be listened by.

12:02 living room

again, slightly to the side, slouched. *sit upright*.
westerns, round two, second night of The Magnificent Seven with the pops. A lot more enjoyable than usual though, not sure why I found these more entertaining.
Tired, stuffed, bloated. But okay. Thinking a bit about the boy. Will let that be.
Tired. Good night, grateful for smiles and laughter.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

12:08 bedroom

Its amazing how much of our parents are coded into ourselves, even if we see them little of the entire span of our lives. Ive noticed my mother's mannerisms coming out strongly in me lately- the way I gesture with my hands, clap them together when im making a point; my thought pattern of reasoning. But also, I find I am so very much my father's daughter. I hold my chin the same way, I cross my arms in the same circumstances and hold the same stance. I have the same bubbly excitement that I can hardly contain, and the thirst for adventure. And the same appetite. I have always known my dad was a sexual man, always with a girlfriend or two, always following women with his eyes, making comments. I sat silent in the passenger side of the truck, awkwardly silent and choosing naivety or laughing slightly, to ease my discomfort. But I think it was always a part of me. Which, now that I realize step 4, a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, i have to come face to face with, the discomfort and pain that sex has played in my life. But besides sexual appetite, I also get a love of eating from him. Which i think stems from instant gratification. He wants that excitement, that thrill from life that adventure brings. But we cant have that every day, at our fingertips. Most of us anyway, in the dashing, romantic way we imagine it. So we eat, for its pleasure, for its numbing contentment.
We both ate a lot tonight, laughingly sharing embarrassment, but continuing to gorge. On fat and sugar and wine. I love him, in the unexplainable, exasperating way you love family members. But I also regret the things I have learned from him. Self-centeredness. Interrupting people, not giving them the time to finish their sentence, not giving them the chance to share their story. Not on purpose, but blindly ignorant of his lack of respect. His work ethic is tremendous as is his sense of groomed personal appearance, both of which I admire greatly. But his miserly and childishly greedy outlook make me sad. Probably most because I see them in myself. Though i feel part of them melting away. I don't want THINGS. I don't feel the need to plan and spend my time daydreaming about what i can HAVE. Now- i would like to sit and meditate and look at the sky, at the trees, feel the air, have my mind clear and free to take in my surroundings, hopefully beautiful.
I feel the need to write down what I ate, like it would be a purge from my body. But all i need to acknowledge is that I ate it, its over, its done, and now I can move on. My glass is half full, and this moment is this moment and tomorrow (well, today), is another day.
I would really like to get in shape for ski season. So though I am working through the steps to help me with a lifelong ability to be free of food obsession and delve into and understand and heal from the underlying causes of that symptom, I think having a short term goal with give me some oopmh. Though I have to be careful that it does not distract me from the bigger picture.
Grateful for OA. So far what works now: routine. connection (sharing). stimulation.
meetings, outreach calls, Partner in Recovery, reading, meditation (after-work-RRR), 3 meals a day plus 2 snacks (y/f; f).
I would like to include a 2 day a week sugar snack. This give me options and flexibility and choice.
I would like to include consistent step work in this list. Especially with the onset of step 4.
grateful for writing, for its power of healing. grateful for sleep, for my bodys ability to heal itself during rest. excited for tomorrow (today), the chance to buy olympic tickets...! grateful for some disposable income to actually have the ability to consider them. grateful for a job. for a meaningful job that fulfills me when i put in the effort and dedicate myself to its outcomes. grateful for peace.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

11:21 bedroom

a day full of goodness. driving through the frosted sunshine to work, felt the goodness in me, in the air, for the day.
last night a giggle filled and binge avoided evening with the boy. not much sleep but it was worth it.
not much work at work today but it was still fulfilling. talking with co-workers at lunch, two walks in the cool, bright late fall afternoon, meeting a new volunteer, exploring travel opportunities and music festivals. home to Dad! Very happy for him to be here, a genuine contentment. Bit of a anxiety and overeating after dinner (homemade chicken soup! happy and impressed with myself), but it pulled around, and we played Racko (game) and I lost the urge of need for more snacks. Grateful for his love, for the love I feel for his simple, hearty manner.
Would reflect a bit now, feel that space, feel that its right for it. Will read a little, then think I will retire soon to bed. To sleep, if it will come. TOmorrow is another day. Today was full of goodness. I have had this day. Grateful for real companionship. For genuine affection. Grateful for dreams. Grateful for grounding in the present moment. For those moments of 'right here, right now', 'this is it', this is life. I am living my life. Those moments where afterwards, you realize you were 'being' not just 'existing'. Grateful for recovery.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

12:00am living room

a bit to the side of the first spot.
been sitting here a while, fiddling with email and various things available for research at my fingertips through the internet. a.k.a time passers. no, not porn. well, unless you consider snow to be sexual. which, actually...a good ski day can be much better than sex.
Commitment was the topic of today’s daily reader, and I tried to embody that feeling as I drove to work late (slept two hours over my alarm). I gave blood, I felt quesy, I dropped the presentation I had to tonight in Sarah’s lap. I felt guilty, I came home and went straight to the food. Hard, a hard hit straight to my emotions, battering them out of the way. Until I stopped, and they came rushing back in a fury. And I cried as I talked to my mum over the phone. I cried and nodded and listened and tried to gather my thoughts.
little pieces of the ice block…melt it bit by bit; if I screw up, I can try another way
glass half full
congratulate about all the little tiny things along the way
get the crap out. Now the good stuff.
Im okay. Im worthy. I can do whatever I put effort into.
Im so scared, about the uncertainty of the future.
It’s a disease. You have to give it medicine. And celebrate the small changes, the small betters.
Dealing with fear, a little bit at a time
Facing time, facing the growth of patience
I can be wrong. I can make mistatkes. I am not perfect.
Have to turn everything we think, upside down. Opposite of the stinking thinking. The ‘good’ way.
I will never be able to explain everything about my feelings.
It takes a long time to get there,
Yes and
I don’t have to prove my pain
Its okay to do things for ME
I can learn anything.
Then I called friends and talked and shared with them. And even later, under a hot stream of water, came the acknowledgement again, that we need fellows, other human,: to encourage, to congratulate, to console EACH OTHER, this is what we do, what we must accept for ourselves as well. Talking to the empty house, to myself, out loud: It’s happened, it was crappy, it was shitty but I can let it go and move on. That doesn’t have to ruin my tomorrow or even the rest of my night. Its happened, its done, and now I can move on to positive thinking. To ‘good’ thinking. I am worthy. I can learn anything. I can do anything I set my mind to. I have a strong mind. I have a strong body. I have a strong spirit. I can listen. I can learn. I can learn how to relax. After work, I will practice relaxing. Sounds contrary, to actively relax ;) I will lie down, I will listen to soft music, I will listen to my heart, to my breathing. I will let go of tension, I will let go of thoughts. I will read literature. I will have a cup of tea. This will be from 20 minutes to an hour. To make sure I am not hungry, I will make sure to eat something, even a little, before I leave work. So when I get home, I can go to my room, and rest and relax and release. And then decide how to go about the rest of the evening. This, I will do tomorrow. Meditation, reading, tea. Not necessarily in that order. But all three. Rest, relax, release. And connect to a Higher Power, my Inner Self, a guiding, spiritual force. “When we are unable to stay connected with our inner selves, we create anxiety and distress.” Finding Balance.
Please God, help me find strength and courage to let go of food tomorrow and hold onto self-awareness.
Attitude makes all the difference. My glass is half full. I am wholly grateful for the space in the morning to dance.

Monday, November 9, 2009

11:41 living room

Back in the spot of the first entry. Finished tightening the lids on my lunch and dinner tomorrow and rinsing the pots and measuring cups. A different lifestyle to be sure. A different mindset. Three months? Still the same. Subtle differences can make all the difference, though.
A empathetic desire to reach out to my fellows. To hear their thoughts and woes, to share my ideas and challenges. Talked to my and had a coherent stream of words flow from my mouth, about a higher power being, if nothing else, a method to let go of the ego, to get outside one's selfish brain. To reach for something beyond one's self, to rely on that something, to put trust and faith in that something. Whatever that something may be. For me, there are higher energetic forces around us, and I can feel them if I listen, with my body and soul, and let go of my mind. Love is a powerful, powerful force. Just as air, fire, earth and water. (insert some joke about captin planet...). A night of indulgence with the boy last evening. A gourmet cooked meal, including all the fat and salt, a bottle of wine for each color, and sex on the living room floor, in front of glowing embers, smoldering in the fireplace. The CD he burned for me played through and we lay at the end, naked, stroking. I wanted no words, just the unfocused focus of a hypnotic zone-out. But he was chatty and playful. We brushed our teeth and went to bed. Warm, beautiful, his arm wrapped around my middle, his head on my shoulder as I read a bit. His soft breathing. Lights out and switch heads on shoulders. A tossed and churned sleep, but I dreamt so I must have spent a decent amount of the night actually asleep. This morning at the chiropractor he mentioned that my right neck was espcially tight and i must have slept on it funny. Well, slept on an arm, yes ;) Funny how we put ourselves in uncomfortable positions for the sake of snuggling. When all we really want to do is move away and get some space! But the enticing warmth, the press of bodies, the scent of skin; its irresistable. Mostly.
Moments today, of awareness, of serenity. Reading the passage from my daily reader, feeling a calm settle over me, a blanket of relaxation, if only just for a moment. Walking from Starbucks with Sarah, back to work, the unexpected afternoon sun shinning through the golden leaves, shaking and dancing in the cool wind.
Now; grateful for this day.
"I'm here to carry my own load. I'm responsible for finding my own answers and making my own decisions. I have the program to help me to do that. If I use it in my life today, I'll learn a lot about being responsible to myself. It's a good way to start growing up!"
Grateful for space. Grateful for instant communication. Grateful for holding back from that instant ability. For many reasons. To hold back. To hold on, strrengthen a feeling, make it more honored by its preciousness. The clock ticks. I have things I want to do still. But I will go to bed, and rest.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

12:40 computer room

rooms in the house chilly, because all the doors are shut. The family is away for a week, and i am charged with fall cleaning. which means pets out of as many rooms as possible. having bathroom issues with the cats, who are disdaining to use their litter boxes. and the dog tracks in about a gallon of muddy water from each trek out into the rain.
cleaning spree after i got home from babysitting tonight, in the zone. a few instances of temptation for food, but managed to sweep by them. In charge of the house tonight, its my territory. So i don't feel the urge to stuff food down my throat in order to shove anxiety away, or to compensate for a lack of control.
ate junk food and junk dinner at babysitting, but eventually stopped and brushed my teeth. The issue now is how bad a binge is, not whether i binge or not. But progress, not perfection. Also, I can now claim a 'partner in recovery' with a girl who is similar to me with perfection and control issues. Im sure we all have them, but i feel really comfortable talking to her, especially about slip ups and mistakes.
I am grateful for this day. Early drive to the airport before sunrise, then back through the rain to bed. Raskal was visibly depressed with the empty house, but i left for a few hours anyway to go downtown to hang with the boy. relaxed, entertaining. back for pudding, then on to babysitting.
grateful for this night. of productivity. and now sleep. thankful for this week, to breath, to reach inside. to dive for the inner light, with an absense of chaos around me. to gain strength in order to swim through the chaos when it returns, and keep a stillness, a peace, a serenity inside.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

11:33 pm Kitchen

2 more nights abroad and now I have returned home and returned to the binge. A night at a boy's, a night at a girl's. A full day of work, a bit of stress at the end, and a welcomed overeating after dinner. But sneaked, and scared. It really is control. This is one of the main issues. I don't feel like I have any control over myself at home, because I feel like Im answerable to the household, but especially mum. I feel like every action, every move needs to be a certain way. And this is a defect. Reliance on my mother. Something i need to understand, let go of, and move past. Step 4, here I come.
I need to be accountable for my actions. Take ownership of them. Feel answerable to myself, and not guilty when I do what I want to do. Let go of feeling like i need to perform for other people, like they expect me to perform in a certain way. Who are they to tell me who i am? What feels right for me? I don't want to ignore other opinions, i would like to welcome them. But I need to learn how to listen and then sort; to distinguish sound advice from self-criticism imposed into the words or look from another person. I want to be understanding of myself, confident with my ideas and actions, so that if someone finds them disagreeable, I dont have to disagree with that person, I just let them think what they want to think. And not obsess over their thoughts, or obsess that they are thinking about me.
I think this next week will be good. A week in the 'home' space, but alone, under my terms. Yes, this is controlling, but I think getting a feel for living in this space without bingeing will set a habit for when the family returns from their soujourn in Arizona. Day by day. Prayers of gratitude in the morning, prayers of gratitude in the night. Need to figure out a middle break. So its not so straight through and i dont feel crazy by the time i get home. A step back from everything, after work, before home. Its too bad it gets dark so early, otherwise I would enjoy walks. have to make do, stretch the imagination. Maybe just stretch the body too. Ah, stretching...mind, body and soul. Reflection in the morning. Reflection in the evening. Flow out the day, prepare for tomorrow.
Grateful for lotion. For stepping back. For pulling together. For holding myself to myself. For love of others. For connection with others, that has to grow gradually, bit by bit, a piece at a time.

Monday, November 2, 2009

10:45 friend's bedroom

i think sometimes to get in, we have to check out. i am staying at my friend's tonight, ignoring food and opting for human contact. s'funny though, if i stayed here a couple more nights, i would inevitably be drug back to the craving. so i have to shift and shake and tomorrow will be another bedroom. thankful for supportive friends, even if they don't understand how much they are supporting me. a good day, busy and productive. a presentation tomorrow, that for some reason im a bit hesitant to give. think i just have a bit of performance anxiety cause a co-worker is coming along to shadow me. let go of the ego, and focus on service, on giving :) on how great i feel sharing information with other people that will make them safer. looking through old photos now, funny how life passes you by, but you really dont let it go. i think thats one thing i need to investigate in the next step; letting go of the ego's hold on obsessing over my past self- mistakes, what ifs. just thinking about me me me.
laugh it out laugh it out. what anxieties can i let go of today and give to my higher power? worry about anything but this moment.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

11:39 dining room

Circumstances—what are circumstances? I make circumstances.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Like the woman with the big glasses says, when you work the program, it works for you. When you put in the dedication, God dedicates to you.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
- Chinese Proverb
I think i AM beginning to change. I want people, i want stimulation. I enjoy it. But while that grows, so does the disease's desire. Both are increasing and leaving me squished between them. I want life, I wish to give service. I want to create my purpose without feeling shackled. But as that brightness increases so does the anxiety of the illness. I need to move, I need to shake, I am dedicating.
Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.
- Anne Frank
I am grateful for friends who accept me as who i am right now. who support me for who I want to be. who open their arms to me when im in need. Im going to spend the next three nights away from home, i need abstinence, i need three days freedom from bingeing, even if it means running away. I don't think I can move into the next step until i have some space and clarity for my mind to breath and my soul to brighten.
A busy and stressful friday turned into a binge night. A busy and enjoyable saturday -halloween adventures at a zombie party and then a costume rave- turned into a wonderful sunday morning but then a sunday afternoon, evening and night binge. I hold onto reflection every night- writing and planning tomorrow's meals. One of my pillars I am errecting to hold up...who knows? a roof? hanging gardens open to the sky? a multistory house? It might seem insignificant, but its important that i do it, build the pillars that will support my future.
A refreshingly cool november first, warmed by a bright sun. The night world illuminated by a glowing full moon. Sleep now, rest. And tomorrow is another day, tomorrow I will live just for the day. Service, love, recovery.