Wednesday, February 24, 2010

11:13 dining room

its been a while, and well, i feel different. not any better or worse, but different. though I suppose any change from where I have been is positive. Today is my Golden birthday, turned 24 on the 24th. I have been hyped up about it for so long that on the eve of its arrival, I was much less interested and energetic about it. The day has been spent at doctors and dentist, running some errands, laundry and chillin out with netflix and the family. kind of felt like a normal saturday. it does feel like a normal saturday :) which I guess can be considered golden. That I don't have to have fireworks for something to be okay. I've had a couple of golden moments today- realizing I will face myself and my life honestly, without fear; that I am done with pleasing people, that I want to do what is right for me; feeling guidance, as a 'rightness'; feeling a moment of love embodied in the shower. feeling sleepy now, wonderful drowsyness from sinus medication ;) will get back into writing, it makes me feel more connected to myself. heres to a Golden year, shining bright with 'effectiveness' and Love and Light. Grateful for too many things to write, but Life itself at the very base.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

12:17 wood house

i am expecting my body to heal, but it cant heal itself. before it can recover, my mind has to heal. before my mind can heal, my spirit has to mend. The steps help me to a spiritual experience that heals my soul. Letting go of bodyimage, which is unfortunately happening in an unhealthy way (binging, not exercising), but I feel it needs to happen. Let go and let God/Magic/Guide lead me to the healthy body that is inherently right for me, when its time.
last night it was about numbness, i felt that as i lay in bed after i switched out the light. numb. tonight it was not being able to positively direct excited energy. bad habits ingrained in an illness.
be proactive says Aimee, I challenge you. So I will. I let go, I let Guide lead me to a plan of action for tomorrow night, to hold to myself, to let my emotions Free, to experience the evening free of compulsive eating, whatever that looks like. Please, guide me Guiding Spirit of Love, help me feel, help me live.
My life has become unmanageable, I am only getting by. 'Choose your friends carefully' said one of the tips under 21 ways to start a new positive habit. I realize most of my friends are overweight. So I think I have to go there. For some reason, I have to totally let go of body image and vanity in order to heal.
Tired, sleep now, must rest. Grateful for people to talk to, to love, to be loved by.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

11:52 bedroom

I can remember sitting here, last night, satisfied. Tonight, tired, and reinforcing step one. I shall go backwards: now, I am full of sugar and carbs, mostly eaten slow and present, with the exception of the peanut M&M's, last. Before, home while talking on the phone with Aimee, a good grounder. Up and Luke was on the computer, thank you god. Brush teeth, wash face, chat with luke. WANDER into kitchen, see rosie on the stairs, go and pet her. Aubrey comes out of the bathroom and we talk for a minute on the stairs. Get up and pack lunch, aubrey asks if i have tried one of her cookies. Aubrey goes to bed, i pick up a cookie, Luke asks if i want the computer. I say I dont need it, he says he doesnt either. I stall in the kitchen, he leaves, i eat the cookie. Take a plate of the leftovers on the stove and go read news articles...Painting class was great tonight, came late, shorter time for class, better attention span on my part. Signed up for nude modeling for one of Marv's classes in May. Excited to get on board with something i've always been interested in. Connections, life is really all connections. Relaxed in painting from a happy hour beer with Milo and Mikey before class. Nice small talk and chatter at small irish pub Owl and Thistle. Good day at work, intriguing and engaging meeting with a contact for the Burmese refugee community in the sunlight of the late afternoon, cooked a delicious lunch after a short video on health and poverty, productive morning of volunteer interview (from Austin) and web/music scanning. Good morning, though had indecision deciding what to eat for breakfast.
Now. Im not angry with myself, because this recovery takes time and effort. I had a good day and an overeating will not ruin the next. I will feel the physical effects but I will not let it consume the day's thoughts with body image and food obsession. Talking with Aimee on the phone, I felt the anxiety of the disease, that it would be denied. Brushing my teeth, I felt its anger, in my chest. Not mine, I wasn't angry, I was tiredly relieved. But I felt the glowering, the gnashing of its intangible teeth that it couldn't get mine to chomp. I lingered, I ate. I am sorry but I do not give up. I feel more connected to my friends today than ever, after a day of Freedom before. I have felt Freedom, I have seen its effects on the future, I will hold that in my heart, and use my strength and willingness to live that life tomorrow. Grateful for a dry clean space to rest. Grateful for fingers and toes and legs and arms and heart and lungs. Grateful for sleep.

Monday, February 8, 2010

10:46 bedroom

Its been a long time since a night like this. Maybe never even one...
From last night:
am i supposed to suffer? ...oh. Oh. it seems a silly way to suffer. id rather be suffering for a common problem. for someone else's pain. is this my journey? to suffer so i can write about it? angry tears. i feel myself starting to lose hope.

denial is as far from me as could possibly be. the disease and self will fought tonight, it wanted the pleasure, it wanted the release. "I" wanted it, because how can i really separate myself from self-will? who the fuck am i? i think what i want, is to go through this without the pain. but the pain is so great now, again, the anger, the confusion, the fear. i dont know how to get though it.
Open-minded ness.
Maybe I truly don't have any of these, and thats why this is not working.
I feel black tendrils shooting, unfurling and curling through my body, like ink black smoke, like tar, like deathly flowers.
maybe im not trying hard enough. im not dedicating enough. im not committing enough. i have to commit all of me.
i am afraid of getting fat. but how much worse can it get?
i wont give up. but i need help, a lot of help.
i feel like its taken over completely. i can't stop thinking about it. in desire or fear. its there, almost always, at the back of my mind. waiting.
i will keep trying. keep fighting. keep praying for faith.
A very harsh night. A saving grace, a late night call with Aimee, getting thoughts and feelings and anger and pain out into the open, out of my head. Wake 8:06, 24 minutes before my alarm. Surprisingly more clear than I would have expected. Breakfast, drive to Chiro, engage in conversation. Slow morning at work, but the sun was shinning through the chill air, refreshing, awakening. Make an appointment to see Dawn, the Burner hypnotherapist, late afternoon. Emails and reading and quiet conversation. Nice afternoon walk with Katie. I have such a wonderful support system. The hypnosis was amazing. The lobby of the building and the elevator were older, but I loved the buttons. The hallways was drab but the offices of counseling were wonderfully soothing and beautiful. Paged through a Black and White photo magazine in the waiting room and made a cup of tea. 15 past the meeting time, a bit of a twinge, then a conscious release. A lovely blong woman in a white soft neck brace approached. Her room was wonderful. Large, soft warm colors, soft light, quiet cheerful fountain, picture of a dock leading toward a sunset over her right shoulder. Introductions, short explanations and descriptions. Bathroom break then lay back in the soft plush cream recliner with a plum blanket tucked around my feet and draped under my chin, hood pulled up to cover my crown. Aware, awareness, moving, breathing. Fears of failing, disappointment but moved past, though they lingered, the consciousness lingered, throughout. Mostly, relaxation, a connection to a deeper part of myself. An elevator, wrought iron, sometimes with intertwining ivy, clouds all around, misting. The elevator itself not permanent, changing. The ceiling black then gold. The floor wood then blank then wood. the door stainless steel. Push the down button and I fall. I feel the falling. Rushing, i try to slow it down, as she counts down from...i cant remember what number she started at. Deeper, i feel myself falling deeper. Land. The door opens but I cant see what she is describing- its just blank. I try to pull something together. I see a path, I see a door, a wooden door, wonderfully carved. I open it, pushing the handle. There is a room of clouds, soft brightness, gold. There is a box, suspended. My subconscious she says. A treasure box, of wood and leather and jewels. Lift the clasp and press the jewel in front and it opens. Some memories tumble out as she calls to them, standing in Noni's kitchen (eating waffles?) Dad's kitchen, his pantry, but then a vortex, a tornado, pulling them back in. I try to put some good thoughts in at her suggestion, but its difficult to shape them. An image, me, overweight, crosslegged in Yoga pose, in a lime leotard, calm, serene. A strange image but one that fills me with hope and acceptance. Coming back, she calls me back, and I awake, fresh, revitalized, high, so high! We chat a bit, I am aware, soft focus, but present. Euphoric as I descend the real elevator and leave the building. Smiling with teeth, laughing at the sky, the people in their cars in traffic, the light is beautiful, thick. Lights on trees, beautiful. Stay happy she says, stay in a good place for a while after. I walk pass Tesla and turn around and go in and chat with the man about the cars. Feel lifted. Talk with Aimee, feel so high, watching birds, cars go by. Home...home feels good, feels right! And it is right. Call ahead (my excitement is pouring out of me) and get Aub to set up a board game. Play right when I get home. Talk with mum, visit Luke, eat dinner -AT THE TABLE- and chat with Katie. Watch a bit of Seeker and have ONE handful of M&Ms...then Brush my teeth. Back to watching the movie. Then-decide i need a break- DO YOGA! then rest...REST! lay in my bed and smile and feel wonderfully satiated and sleepy. wander around the rest of the evening, laundry, shower, meals for tomorrow, tv with aub and jerry and katie, finish the Seeker episode. And here I am. At peace. Felt a bit low during the end of Seeker, but it feels good, feels grounded now. A miracle, a blessing...a wonderful wonderful evening of Freedom. 'Why would I do that? Thats just silly'. yes, i agree. and i can follow through with actions to show my agreement. So grateful tonight, so grateful. Feel other feelings coming up, understand the importance of taking and doing the fourth step, will work on that tomorrow. The Magic of these two healing processes combined will lead me into the Light, I hope, I pray, I believe. Grateful for Dawn, her generosity. Grateful for a Loving support system. Grateful for a good night of rest stretching before me...

12:38 bedroom

How do you get rid of something, that doesn't want to be gotten rid of? I feel possessed. I feel, a shell, possessed. Confused. Hollow. On the tip. Tears brim. WHy do I have to go through this pain? No, not that. Everyone has pain. Its just unfortunate that seems like it will never end. The thought that, this is meaningless, crossed my mind. That is very old thinking. take me, take all of me. take my self will. it feels taken.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

12:19 living room 12:43, bit of a delay, washing up and tidying chores. I need not be alone, I am not alone, I cannot be alone. For now, for now, maybe forever, but for now, I know this:
I am powerless over food, and my life has become unmanageable because of it.
I believe in a higher power that can restore me to sanity.
I now make a decision to turn my will - my mind and thoughts - and my life -my actions- over to the care of the Higher Power, my Guiding Spirit, who will lead me to Light, which I believe is Love. My life is in the hands of Greater forces, I accept I am not in charge of my destiny, but that I can shape it for a brighter future by tuning into and listening to a Creative Intelligence that is more powerful and knowing than I. I am willing to believe this, I believe it, and pray to have faith.
I cannot eat certain foods under certain behaviors or I become isolated, disconnected and selfishly insane. Insanity reigns when I:
Eat sugar, salted nuts and crackers, popcorn
Eat distracted (reading, watching), when I'm feeling lonely (alone, tired), without direction (bored, uncertain, unstructured) or willful (resentful, cynical).
Sanity - serenity, mindfulness, love - reigns when I:
Slow Down, Breath, Reach, Connect, am Willing, am Guided.
I believe I can recover. I will live in each moment, I will notice my breath, the blood flowing through my body, the emotions flowing through my mind, the glow of my spirit. I will talk and call and listen and hug and smile with others. Family, friends, fellowship, foreigners. We are all connected. I believe I can recover. I believe in my dedication and commitment. I feel strength flowing through me, strength that is not only my own. A strength that calls to a power, a wisdom deep inside me. I feel it, a faith, growing. I believe in my actions, my movements. I can do this, but not alone. I need Love and support and companionship from all the four F's. I reach out...I embrace Love, I breath Love, I pass it on.
Please, take away this craving. Please, take away my vanity. Higher Power who is stronger and greater than me, who is a part of me, I give you my obsession, I give you my pride. Please guide me to humility and compassion. I pray to live and lead a Life of Love. To share Love and joy and pain with others, to relieve suffering, and hopefully to gain a better understanding of the Universe.
My Guide, I offer myself to Thee- to build with me and to do with me as Though will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will of Love. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life of Serenity. May I do Thy will of Love always.
I come to believe.
Grateful for fellowship, companionship of understanding. Grateful for the love of my family, the support of my friends, the strength of my Love to give to others, the strength and force of the Creative Intelligence, which has passed on wisdom and serenity to so many, and I hope and pray, to me. I am ready, I open myself to Thee, to you, My Guide.
Sunshine and water...

Saturday, February 6, 2010

12:33 game room

danced to 1am last night, amazing show- Rusko. coat confusion resolved with me driving home to sleep. ate a bit but not overwhelming or out of control. so tired and groggy. up this morning after a few hours of heavy sleep. heavy step today but not unpleasant. beautiful warm afternoon and early evening. babysat and a good experience, best in a long while. brought a pack of gum along which had a lot to do with it i think. and a less strict attitude i think. which just seemed to 'happen'. felt good on the drive home, wanting mystery and mystic. sat in the living room for a while with jerry and luke. as soon as luke left i felt like watching something - BONG! WARNING. my body wanted sleep. my spirit wanted rest. my mind wanted stimulation. fucking mind. ate a bunch and now feel sad, disappointed. awake. watching Luke kill other machine gun men in robot suits on Halo. grrr. let it go. Let Love in. anger will get me no where. forgive and move on. my soul, tasting life, tasting the other side and its lifting freedom from food obsession, from hiding, from crouching. but my self-will, my ego is just so prejudiced against change, so set in its stubborn provincial ways, stuck in its hut, shutter closed. my mind will always be the hut of the illness, but it doesn't have to be dark and unkempt and derelict. I pray for a Guiding Spirit of Love to change me, to sweep and scrub down the house, to open the windows and doors to the light and the rain, to plant flowers around the edges and set a strong roof and dig a deep cool cellar in a strong foundation. grateful for people to live with, to be with, to talk to, to share with. pray for the courage and strength to let Love in my heart. Please, I pray, Guiding Spirit show me Love, take my will and life in your power and guide me to Love, to do thy work. Guide me to my purpose. I am willing to believe in your having a purpose for me. I will sleep now, and rest. Grateful for the opportunities in my life.
I dont like how it clouds my memories, steals them from me, steals my past, steals my present, blurs my future with negative or cynical attitude. but when im clean, when im clear, things return to me, memories, feelings, emotions. like magic...the Magic of Light...of Love...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

11:30 bedroom

Though I feel strangely mellow and even a bit low, it was a good day. Not much work and my big saturday project was cancelled so I spent the morning checking new music and having a random long chat with a new friend from myspace. entertaining and stimulating and put a smile on my face as I walked to the lunch room. Slow lunch, talking, zoning out pleasantly at the end. Long walk for tea and fresh air. Started reading chapter 5 of the Big Book online and spent a lovely late afternoon and early evening absorbed in its words and ideas, to the melodic and emotional tunes of a new artist from myspace, catching each phrase and point inside me and re typing it in my letter to Sponsor E. Finished slowly, read a perfect email from Aimee (telling me to love myself and create my imaginary space right now, right here as best as I can), and ate some pecans slowly before I left, so I wouldn't be hungry and head straight to the food when I arrived home. Daydreamed about my book character on the drive, so much that I pulled over on upper preston road and scribbled some of the thoughts into my little book in my purse. Home and up to see mum for a short chat. Make her tea and make dinner. Eat while watching netflix, and over ate, but there was something slowing me down, forcing me to be conscious about the choices i was making. I ate a large amount of food, but I stopped. It was border line binge, but it wasn't a binge. It is really nice arriving home at a dinner hour, instead of late, so that I can eat, rather than fight the desire too. Hopefully, eventually I wont have the need, but right now it is programed into me by habit and very very hard to avoid. Finished eating, finished the show, and flossed and brushed. Went back upstairs for more social time, more love, talked with aubrey, with mum, then went to exercise. Talk with aimee, shower, sit with luke. A very good evening. Felt a downward tilt to my mood in the shower, acknowledged it, though im not sure why i felt it. But it was there and i scrubbed my body with rainwash body wash on the white loofa and soothed it away. its time for rest, in all my faculties of being, body, spirit and mind.
"If we search with sincerity, answers will appear" says Daily Reader. "May I continue my quest to understand. May my actions reflect sincerity of purpose and courage to change the things I can." I am grateful to OA for guiding me on my quest to understand. For helping me find the courage and strength to open myself up to Creative Intelligence of the Universe, my Spiritual Guide, who leads me to Love. I pray to live a life of humility and compassion. I pray to let go of egocentric thoughts and ways and embrace a life of giving and loving. Grateful for a safe house.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

11:56 bedroom

"Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?" As soon as a (wo)man can say that (s)he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure herhim that (s)he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built." I love this whole paragraph, especially the metaphor of the castle. My degrading demoralizing decrepit crumbling stone prison will fall, the thorny ivy will rot and a new strong fortress will be constructed, day by day, moment by moment, prayer by prayer, positive thought by positive thought, action by action, believe by faith by hope...
I still do so many of the things listed in Chapter two of the OA 12 and 12...I still act in "an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner". It is disconcerting, that I fall back, but forces me to concede that i have to face reality. That I have this baffling and cunning disease. It winds itself around my head and tortures my body.
Had a hazy and confused day. Then struggled with myself about whether I would go to painting class or go home. The illness wants me to isolate and hide and I have to do exactly the opposite, as hard as it is. Thank GOD i have amazing friends who encourage (aka whine at me) to come out and be social. That is my cure, to Go Out and be with people. In other words, LOVE! love myself, love others, let that love in. It really is a kind of Magic, such a wonderful feeling that burns up any negative energy or thoughts or feelings. I am very lonely and sad at night and thats why I eat. I feel the yearn for Love when I come home, but usually everyone is in bed or my siblings are doing homework and its hard to connect. Restricted my food today (didnt really feel like eating at all) then ate hectically when I got home for about an hour. I was daydreaming on the drive about a perfect little haven of space where I could come home to and dance and relax and then go to bed. Sort of a single apartment in the middle of nowhere. And then I thought- No. I want to make my life happy now, here...because this is all I have! This night! I am feeling dragged down but I won't give up hope because I can't. I still have so much of it and I'm grateful for that strength. I feel myself falling backwards but little by little, two steps forward, one step back, I will make it. I will recover and live in serenity!!! We both will! I believe! (I'm going to say this over and over to myself, morning, afternoon, evening, and night...)
I am willing to believe in a higher power who will help me change. Help me stop lying, to others and to myself, about my eating habits. To face the Truth with bare-assed honesty.
It isn't really a physical comfort, but I have to concede that I have stopped my 'purging', the over-exercising after i binge. In some ways it makes things even more frustrating, but on the other hand, I am writing and thinking now after I eat rather than shoving the emotions down even deeper under exhaustion and sweat.
"our lives were out of balance" ..."in all of life, as well as with the food, we were irrational, unbalanced, insane. If our willpower and determination couldn't change our unsuccessful way of living, what could? Clearly a Power greater than ourselves had to be found if we were to be restored to sanity."
"We are invited to define that Power however we wish and reate to it in whatever way works for us...we remain open to spiritual growth and show tolerance for others..."
The strength of the Camaraderie of our fellows who understand...and accept...and Love.
What do I need from a Higher Power? I need Strength and Love and Encouragement and Guidance and Purpose. and Availability.
What would I like such a Power to be and to do in my life? A Higher Power, a Greater Force is a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe, who Loves me completely, who helps me to a higher purpose, who helps me cultivate humility and Guides me to a life of Love and Compassion. Help me Life Live, encourage me to be Active and Present, to Show up for people and myself. To Live! To embrace all emotions and feelings. To Heal. To free my mind of the obsession in order for my brain to turn over a new soil and bright thoughts to take root and grow under the glow of Love.
*"Most of us also needed to learn to ask other people for help and let God speak to us through our fellows. In OA, God's healing power comes to us through a caring community of other compulsive overeaters."
*I believe a Greater Force can being a healing process that will relieve me of the compulsion to overeat and bring stability to my life. OA gives me Love, and I can respond with Action, and a new faith in myself, in others and in the Power of Love.