Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Morning Land

Each part of the day could be considered a different geographical place. Though the times of the day are relative to your personal lifestyle. Morning for one might be 7:30, while for another, 10:30. Random thought. I think this because we can have such different states of mind during the day, some as far away as the US from China. Just reading the daily passage in the Alateen reader, about having a loving relationship with a Higher Power, and realize I almost couldnt remember the wording to Step Two. Starting to think about the faults in others lives and if Ill be able to live through them...versus focusing on myself and what I can change about myself...all i really have are my attitudes and responses. And Love and Gratitude, and a special connection with a greater force and power out there, that can guide me 'home' whenever I open myself up to it...drowning in perfectionist mindsets lately. Trying to let go and let God. Im going to need some support, and hopefully be able to support others as they help me come to an understanding of my sorrows, woes and confusions.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

rainstorms and vcr plugs

so without a determined pattern of behavior (what to expect in the function and form of my lifestyle and expected ways of how to deal with those ways - even in my anxiety and fear of was the same anxiety and fear over and over again...), i lose my sense of balance< i become unstrung and my pieces spread out, so that im not really sure what sequence of actions and attitudes to use for any response; for an old trigger or something new. im in a different house, same climate. new scenery, more or less the same routines (making time bend around whatever I want to happen), new people, same me. right? am i still me? here I am, moving on with my life, sort of, moving around place to place with my new boyfriend, very new, only 3 months. where did this come from? is it a test? what is the question? "Can you hold onto your values, your sense of self, your the face of great love?" what kind of test is that?! there has to be a flip side to this, this has to be a trick question... . i think we are two tortured souls, his for his nature facing the world, mine for the world facing my nature. he is realistic, i am optimistic. he is solid, i am fluid. i am emotional right now, and i think it has to do with an oncoming period. fucking hormones. rose colored glasses that make you high, or tear you down by breaking up your mind against your body and your spirit against your mind. i feel so confused, like ive woken up from a coma and im supposed to know what color red is and what is blue, yet i just cant grasp them. i can see how there might be tension quickly in this scenario. he has trouble sleeping, i want to go to bed. i stay up with him and am on the same schedule then feel resentful. i go to bed, then get up early and start my stuff and feel resentful. so i guess its a matter of releasing into humility and compassion and doing some stretching. i really am not sure what actions to take, or attitudes. as far as in response to his emotions. i can tjust let mine come. i have to conciously think about what i should be feeling, because sometimes i dont really feel anything. never been in this before. with another soul, moving around with them. couldnt find book bag in car, afraid my text book was left with my yellow car, an hour and half away in portland. word well starting to dry up, will go lay down a while in his mum's bed, then maybe try the guest bedroom if that doesnt work. thank you for life, thank you for love, please i pray for strength and courage to search and listen each day for the path of serenity and love. i pray for the strength and courage to live humbly and with compassion. <3

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Needy Child

Are what are inside me. What I am. I realize this. I see it, I feel it, I taste touch smell hear myself as a scared child in need of an overwhelming amount of love. I have just started to reconnect with a very terrible dark secret of my past, of which I have allowed only a few memories to survive to surface every now and again. Moments when i retreat and turn to stone to block myself from the pain, the anger, the frustration, the shame, the embarresment and the terrible awful fear, that if someone finds out, I am ruined. Because I am shamed.
I have continued to shame myself over the years of my life, because its the coping mechanism I have developed, a way to protect myself from the fear and hurt someone else inflicted on me. I am a needy child yearning for oceanic proportions of love, because this is when I stopped developing emotionally and began the retreat away from feelings. I have memories of food being comfort from such a young age...little did I understand where they came from, the root of this disorder, that has saved me, and in the process, maimed me.
Sitting across from my brother playing a game of war on his computer, I am in love. With my family, with my friends, with a mate of my soul I could have never imagined, and who is every thing I ever dreamed of. He is kind, generous, witty, disarming with his self deprecating humor, observant, passionate, and deeply loving and dedicated to the relationship between us. There has been banter of husband and wife and babies and children and a life together full of adventure and travel and the best of friendship...
And as this great love opens me up, I see myself begining to cling to it, for life support. As it both protects and lifts me away from my self-defense mechanism against emotions and feeling-out-of-control, itself becomes what it saves me from. Ever so carefully I have to nurture, with the utmost care and thought, our love to be Our Love. Not a stand in for something I have used to hide behind, probably for more than the 5 years I have considered it as my mantle. Probably since I was about 5 years old. And I was sexually abused by another young adolescent. My brow is deeply furrowed and my jaw set as I write this. Recently, last week, I shared this for the first time with another human being. Who held me close and tight and murmured soothing words as I pushed my clenched hands against my scrunched face, and sobbed. Two men played bocce ball on the sand in front of us and behind them the bay of ocean waters gleamed with peaceful energy of pre-sunset light. My chest was so painfully tight and it felt like a huge weight was pressing against me. Then, after a few moments, it was gone- and I felt like a shell. Mouth gaping open slightly, I stared at the objects and colors around me, seeing them and yet unobservant of their tangibility. Sense of me in space returned, and I felt immediately uncomfortable in my own body. Pulling at the ends of my sleves, up over my wrists, over and over, tugging at my skirt, wanting to stand up and keep walking along the cement walking path. I managed to sit a few minutes longer, nervously jittery in conversation about what had just fallen from my lips, torn from my tormented soul. We stood, this dear friend and I, and continued our journey, along the water, back into the city and a Starbucks for welcome hot black brew, sat a while to watch the cotton candy colored sunset sky, a dirty shirtless man with a gilette razor in his back pocket sat on the stairs next to us, decide against catching the bus, step in a grocery store to buy salad supplies, wait in line like life is normal, continue walking to our destination, and seperate. I feel elated at this point, genuinely grateful to have such a person in my life that would listen and accept my deep pain with such mercy, and hope. Before the beach, we had attended an AA meeting, that had me choking back tears at a couple moments in a couple shares. Those who shared sounded heartfelt and sincere about their recovery, and the light at the end of the pain shrouded journey they had taken, and were still walking, with head held high.
I have a blessed life. And I pray to let it glow, let it rage, with as much joy and love as it can ever imagine flowing through it. And to do so, embrace deep pain and conront fears to open myself to pain and terror, must I go through.
This is a first step...a step I would never have thought to take, never have understood I needed to take, unless I had started the 12 steps of a spiritual program through OA. I have fallen wayside from the program and fellowship...and maybe now I understand how much I need spiritual guidance and moral consolation and growth. To be surrounded by people, to share with fellow souls, whatever their demons or sorrows, we are all alike, all connected in our struggles against ourselves. Oceans and bundles and caverns and valleys and starry skies and arms and hands and couches and beds and tables and eyes and ears and mouths full of Love are what we need. So much so much so so so much love. This sounds better in my head than how it looks in repeating black letters on the glowing screen, yet its what I feel deep in my heart. I just watched a little of Young Victoria on streaming video online, so i feel my face as Emily Blunts pondering eyes and brow and closed mouth. Well, if thats what it takes to get this out of myself and onto page, i am better for imitation. Tired eyes and face muscles, hot skin and strained lower back muscles, holding against the stretch of my abdomin, enlarged by an overfull belly. Again and time again, this has happened, will happen again. And each day I learn something new and useful against my retreat, and understand it is futile to harbor resentment against myself. For there will be nothing yet myself, at the end...I go to wash, rest and pray to be a bearer of great Love as well as a deep harbour for the Life it gives. Thank you for my life, Thank you for Love, I pray to lead a compassionate and humble life. Please replace vanity with gratefulness, selfcenteredness with a sense of belonging to something greater, selfishness with a sense of self worth. I pray for Love to fill me, and consume me.

Friday, June 18, 2010

1:55am computer room

GodPower. How do we connect?
Through Love. Through Anger, sometime it feels like it.
Through humbleness.
Through gratitude.
Through thankfulness.
Through whole-hearted caring.
Through unselfish compassion.
Through serene meditation.
Through emptying the mind and opening to mystery, doubt, uncertainty. Opening to the window of the unknown.
Connecting to a deeper self, an older self, a wiser self, a self that has lived through generations and generations, the history and knowledge and wisdom of our genes that have moved in our ancestors, that have move our ancestors.
Through Love.
Love. Great Love. That brings Joy and Sorrow. And connects us to the awesomeness and terrifying beauty of Life.
The Oneness of everything. Everything and Nothing. All connected. All connected. All connected.
Such a mystery. Known mystery. I need to put away my anxiety and Breath. And that is all. To sink into the mystery. To connect with a GodPower. The creator. destroyer. giver. ender. Practice.
Practice. It all takes Practice.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

9:08 computer room

I write.
Today is today, thats all that matters. What has happened today, what have I done, how have I felt, how have I acted.
Rush pour let go fo the fears inside, release, let them out. I don't...Free me off them. I will sit with them and stare and snarl and face them. The deeper the insights the harder the backlash of the fear. The greater the feelings of freedom, the weakest the moments of...fear.
I surrender. I am willing to surrender completely. I need support. I need focus. presence. attention. awareness.
a dive out of an airplane without a parachute tonight. i saw the open door, i went and stood next to it. i fell out. i let myself free fall.
the mental obsession. the physical craving. and im sick. a terrible combination.
i overate tonight like i had never experienced OA or any spiritual guidance. I overate a meal, then I overate on junk food. junk food. chips, cake, ice cream, sauce. thinking about it makes me feel like a cement block. incredulously dense. it was not enjoyable. it was self-destructive. it was beyond insanity, it was a total loss of self awareness. some moments in between, a desperate reach out to reality, but muted and weightless.
i reach out now. to myself. to the universe. to other hearts and minds.
I have compassion, i have humility. i also have selfish directives and self-seeking prerogatives. i pray, i plead, to be consumed by the former and escaped from the latter. i have come to believe in the deep wisdom and deep goodness of me. that makes up who i am.
i know i am without knowledge of my direction or purpose in life. i can have insights and glimpses of larger schemes. and ultimately i probably will die unknowing of my part in the tapestry of life. and i ask, to be released of the bondage of self and pride and vanity. to be released into the world as a dart of light, flitting into dark spaces, glowing with love and hope and understanding.
i pray for spiritual enlightenment. I pray to be guided to strength and courage to face my fears. to know myself better, to have all honesty with myself and others. to know when i am weak, and rest. to know when i am strong, and go forward.
what am i right now...i am defeated. i am tired and ill in my body. my mind is fighting numbness that holds emotional pain at bay. my spirit is empty.
i pray to follow the cure. let go of perfectionism. let go of the need to control. let go of the lust for approval.
patience. I court you. Humour, i nurture you. with poo.
and so the sky darkens again and i am grateful to close my eyes in a warm dry place.
i am overwhelmed by opportunity. i am spoiled. i need to take my responsibilities, as a worker, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, with more gravity and a stronger embrace.
thank you for my life. please, Universe, help me be present for each moment.
thank you for my life, thank you for your love.

Monday, May 10, 2010

11:07 computer room

Tired is the root of the darkness. Fatigue and drain of mind, body and or spirit. I need to rest and recharge and reconnect. Every day. When I feel the energy of my core begin to shake and move away from the center, dissipate along my nerves and arteries and shake my foundations. If i ignore the warning signs, I then isolate and withdraw, from everything- myself, others, a greater connecting force. And I eat.
Tonight was a full binge. Realization in the middle and continuation with the goal of oblivion, numbness. Started around 4:00 when I was tired. Thought about not going to drum class. RED LIGHT. Positive actions as this point could have been a rest or a walk. Decided to not go and instead ate a good snack, did some errands then came home. Rested for a bit with the parents, then decided to have dinner, even though I wasn't hungry and was still tired. RED LIGHT. mum called to me to eat up in her room with her and I refrained to read the news while i ate. RED LIGHT. continued to eat, after a pause. Ignored lucas. had paltry conversation with guy.
Pause. Breath. Rest/Recharge. Reconnect. Eat meals with self/people, not glowing screens or leafy pages.
Frustrated with emotions. Stalled progress. But each day is a lesson, is a blessing, is a gift. Tonight I re-realized my need for present awareness. Of thoughts, of fears, of actions. Body image coming back into play. Whirlpool of emotions with new man. Been absent from the steps and the fellowship. Make a connection, everyday. Relax, let go, easy does it. Please guide me Spirit of the universe, let me let me move my feet. I am willing. I am grateful for your love. I am grateful to be alive.

Monday, May 3, 2010

11:33 computer room

The old cravings, chocolate and sugar, are still as strong as ever when the obsession gets at its worst. Needing that spike of pleasure before the numbness before the pain. Its still amazing to me how much I can eat at one sitting as well. Compared to normal meal times where I have to split the meals because I get full before the plate is finished. I am going to write what I ate tonight because otherwise I dont think I realize how serious this addiction still is. Coleslaw, meatbeancheesechili, toast, chicken stew, peas...multiples bread (4+), blueberry muffin, nuts, multiple cereal, apple, gummy vitamins. Concern for others is growing but is pushing against an unforgiving wall of self-centeredness and selfish fear.
I think I need to begin again at the beginning, with step 1. A new love interest has shaken me up for the past few weeks, and for that time I was using his attention as a substitute for the mental obsession and physical craving. An exact substitute. I had uneasy misgivings about my actions towards him, and I think those misgivings were well founded now that I realize how much he was a replacement. Also a sadness because I feel a connection and interest in him that I can't explain otherwise, besides a natural infatuation and fondness. Which makes it more sorrowful that it comes to this- the first two nights I have disagreeable relations with him, I binge.
Life is changing, and I need to change with it.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

12:18 computer room

I felt worthless tonight, without a goal or need or purpose; a feeling that grew from unfullfilment during the day. I did no giving or creating. Just meaningless being, mostly.
I need OA, to help connect me to a greater power and my inner self. To help me let go of this terrible Pride that is putting up a darn good fight against any forward movement. Tonight was a very old binge- wanting, needing, taking. I pray to a god, to gods, to a greater power and force, to fill me with compassion, to lead me to the path of Love and humility, to guide me to my own strength and courage and show me how it can be built up into a sanctuary on a mountain of Serenity.
I pray to find the courage to move my feet in the direction they are pointed.
Thank you for my life, for the beauty in it. Let me learn from its pain, to make my life, to help others lives, be more full of joy and compassion.
Grateful for understanding, when it comes. Grateful for each day, and the lessons they give to me. Grateful for a strong and flexible vessel, though it begins to slow in its response to the insanity of the mind and sickness of the spirit. Which really can be made into a good thing. I can't purge anymore, only release.
Grateful for tears. I pray to let them come.

Monday, April 26, 2010

10:29 living room

Write, says aimee, so I write.
re-reading through older posts first, last entry and first entry. the latter, which is the former, hit me as raw, powerful in its emotions. Where are those emotions now? Id like to say they are more smooth, the dips and peaks of the troughs have lessened in amplitude. They still exist but are less traumatic. Though sometimes I feel without those deep undercurrents and swells, my access to creativity and passion is weakened. I need to find another way to connect to my source.
Awareness. Is Connectivity. Is Frequency; to follow Will.I.Am's philosophy. The more frequent you do an activity, the more connected you are to it, and the more aware of it. I feel this again today, the understanding of the Fellowship's guidance of constant active compassionate service. For they have found that to stay sober they MUST actively carry the message of spiritual awakening out to others still suffering.
Can i consider myself a sufferer? I can. Do I? Partly, yes. I still go through periods of retreat into selfishness and spaces lacking courage to confront and release my fears.
Let go. Let go of tension, anxiety, just breath. Generally my life is very well. I am in good health, and have security that my basic needs will be taken care of. Spiritual, mental, bodily recovery.
Here. Now. In this moment. Breath. Thats all i really have to do. And love. myself, you, creation.
Move on with the steps, take the next step and make ammends. Let go of stubborn pride and give way to spiritual serenity. You've let go of the log, now keep swimming. I now know there is a shore on the horizon, waiting to welcome me, exhausted yet strong, onto its warm banks.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

1:12 am computer room

Hello Again,
Its been a while. Things have changed, and now the bar has risen higher and I must rise to its challenge.
Some cultures, like ours, Italy and Brazil also come to mind, build a false sense of self-worth and success from image. Lets embrace those cultures that let women, people, be exactly who they are, regardless of size or shape. In a way, prejudicing against ourselves for our fat, is almost like being prejudiced against oneself for being a certain color. It doesn't make any sense? You can't change your body type any more than you can change the tone of your skin. So why hate ourselves for some thing we can't change. Another way to look at it, would be like someone hating oneself for one's religion. Doesn't make any sense either. If you don't like the way you are living your life, then change it! We are the sole executors of our choices, and with support and knowledge and compassion we can change our circumstances by changing our minds. Change your attitude, heal your spirit :)
I realize this is about choice. About choosing recovery, choosing to surrender completely and in totality to the choices of recovery and guidance by my inner wisdom and Greater Forces at work in the Universe (Love), who I have come to believe are out there, want to lead me to Serenity. That they are working for Love and Serenity for all, and that events unfold according to reasons beyond the capability of human understanding. They want to lead me, I want to find, the bottomless resevior of strength we all have inside us, that sometimes gets lost in the caves of our fears. I, you, we - can! navigate these tunnels and dive into that pool for determination and perseverence and optimism.
I choose not to worry about weight or body image or fear. I choose to focus on Serenity, Compassion and Humility: Love.
My sister borrowed a book from the library about astrology and the things she was reading to me about my sign and attribuites were head-tiltingly spot on - saying that if i didn't tune into the growth of my spirituality (emotions and sensitivity and creativity of a pisces) I would fall prey to addiciton...

Needs of Reality:
3 meals, 2 snacks, 3 days of exercise
-Food choices if I feel anxious (obsessive and compulsive) about food: Snack= Green pepper (special relationship to Dad) and Meal= Subway or Greek food [not sure why, but I'm usually really satisfied after greek, hopefully I can find it/make it easily enough]
Program: Fellowship, Steps, Tools.
-Monday night meeting definetly, also online meetings once another night during each week
-Connct with one different fellow each day (i have many numbers in my phone, put in there for now)
-Write out a plan of serenity for each day, along with a food plan

I choose Love. I choose compassion, humility and surrender. I choose compassion, tranquility and wisdom, freedom from fear. I choose awareness and freedom from anxiety.
I choose following the wisdom and lessons of those who have come before me. I choose to give up my self-will in order to be able to choose Life.

I am Thankful for my Life, I give its care back to the forces that Created me, the guiding energy of the Universes. Please lead me to the strength to follow the path of recovery, the path of Love. Lead me to a balance between Light and Dark.
Cheers to Peace of Mind, Body and Spirit!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

11:13 dining room

its been a while, and well, i feel different. not any better or worse, but different. though I suppose any change from where I have been is positive. Today is my Golden birthday, turned 24 on the 24th. I have been hyped up about it for so long that on the eve of its arrival, I was much less interested and energetic about it. The day has been spent at doctors and dentist, running some errands, laundry and chillin out with netflix and the family. kind of felt like a normal saturday. it does feel like a normal saturday :) which I guess can be considered golden. That I don't have to have fireworks for something to be okay. I've had a couple of golden moments today- realizing I will face myself and my life honestly, without fear; that I am done with pleasing people, that I want to do what is right for me; feeling guidance, as a 'rightness'; feeling a moment of love embodied in the shower. feeling sleepy now, wonderful drowsyness from sinus medication ;) will get back into writing, it makes me feel more connected to myself. heres to a Golden year, shining bright with 'effectiveness' and Love and Light. Grateful for too many things to write, but Life itself at the very base.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

12:17 wood house

i am expecting my body to heal, but it cant heal itself. before it can recover, my mind has to heal. before my mind can heal, my spirit has to mend. The steps help me to a spiritual experience that heals my soul. Letting go of bodyimage, which is unfortunately happening in an unhealthy way (binging, not exercising), but I feel it needs to happen. Let go and let God/Magic/Guide lead me to the healthy body that is inherently right for me, when its time.
last night it was about numbness, i felt that as i lay in bed after i switched out the light. numb. tonight it was not being able to positively direct excited energy. bad habits ingrained in an illness.
be proactive says Aimee, I challenge you. So I will. I let go, I let Guide lead me to a plan of action for tomorrow night, to hold to myself, to let my emotions Free, to experience the evening free of compulsive eating, whatever that looks like. Please, guide me Guiding Spirit of Love, help me feel, help me live.
My life has become unmanageable, I am only getting by. 'Choose your friends carefully' said one of the tips under 21 ways to start a new positive habit. I realize most of my friends are overweight. So I think I have to go there. For some reason, I have to totally let go of body image and vanity in order to heal.
Tired, sleep now, must rest. Grateful for people to talk to, to love, to be loved by.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

11:52 bedroom

I can remember sitting here, last night, satisfied. Tonight, tired, and reinforcing step one. I shall go backwards: now, I am full of sugar and carbs, mostly eaten slow and present, with the exception of the peanut M&M's, last. Before, home while talking on the phone with Aimee, a good grounder. Up and Luke was on the computer, thank you god. Brush teeth, wash face, chat with luke. WANDER into kitchen, see rosie on the stairs, go and pet her. Aubrey comes out of the bathroom and we talk for a minute on the stairs. Get up and pack lunch, aubrey asks if i have tried one of her cookies. Aubrey goes to bed, i pick up a cookie, Luke asks if i want the computer. I say I dont need it, he says he doesnt either. I stall in the kitchen, he leaves, i eat the cookie. Take a plate of the leftovers on the stove and go read news articles...Painting class was great tonight, came late, shorter time for class, better attention span on my part. Signed up for nude modeling for one of Marv's classes in May. Excited to get on board with something i've always been interested in. Connections, life is really all connections. Relaxed in painting from a happy hour beer with Milo and Mikey before class. Nice small talk and chatter at small irish pub Owl and Thistle. Good day at work, intriguing and engaging meeting with a contact for the Burmese refugee community in the sunlight of the late afternoon, cooked a delicious lunch after a short video on health and poverty, productive morning of volunteer interview (from Austin) and web/music scanning. Good morning, though had indecision deciding what to eat for breakfast.
Now. Im not angry with myself, because this recovery takes time and effort. I had a good day and an overeating will not ruin the next. I will feel the physical effects but I will not let it consume the day's thoughts with body image and food obsession. Talking with Aimee on the phone, I felt the anxiety of the disease, that it would be denied. Brushing my teeth, I felt its anger, in my chest. Not mine, I wasn't angry, I was tiredly relieved. But I felt the glowering, the gnashing of its intangible teeth that it couldn't get mine to chomp. I lingered, I ate. I am sorry but I do not give up. I feel more connected to my friends today than ever, after a day of Freedom before. I have felt Freedom, I have seen its effects on the future, I will hold that in my heart, and use my strength and willingness to live that life tomorrow. Grateful for a dry clean space to rest. Grateful for fingers and toes and legs and arms and heart and lungs. Grateful for sleep.

Monday, February 8, 2010

10:46 bedroom

Its been a long time since a night like this. Maybe never even one...
From last night:
am i supposed to suffer? ...oh. Oh. it seems a silly way to suffer. id rather be suffering for a common problem. for someone else's pain. is this my journey? to suffer so i can write about it? angry tears. i feel myself starting to lose hope.

denial is as far from me as could possibly be. the disease and self will fought tonight, it wanted the pleasure, it wanted the release. "I" wanted it, because how can i really separate myself from self-will? who the fuck am i? i think what i want, is to go through this without the pain. but the pain is so great now, again, the anger, the confusion, the fear. i dont know how to get though it.
Open-minded ness.
Maybe I truly don't have any of these, and thats why this is not working.
I feel black tendrils shooting, unfurling and curling through my body, like ink black smoke, like tar, like deathly flowers.
maybe im not trying hard enough. im not dedicating enough. im not committing enough. i have to commit all of me.
i am afraid of getting fat. but how much worse can it get?
i wont give up. but i need help, a lot of help.
i feel like its taken over completely. i can't stop thinking about it. in desire or fear. its there, almost always, at the back of my mind. waiting.
i will keep trying. keep fighting. keep praying for faith.
A very harsh night. A saving grace, a late night call with Aimee, getting thoughts and feelings and anger and pain out into the open, out of my head. Wake 8:06, 24 minutes before my alarm. Surprisingly more clear than I would have expected. Breakfast, drive to Chiro, engage in conversation. Slow morning at work, but the sun was shinning through the chill air, refreshing, awakening. Make an appointment to see Dawn, the Burner hypnotherapist, late afternoon. Emails and reading and quiet conversation. Nice afternoon walk with Katie. I have such a wonderful support system. The hypnosis was amazing. The lobby of the building and the elevator were older, but I loved the buttons. The hallways was drab but the offices of counseling were wonderfully soothing and beautiful. Paged through a Black and White photo magazine in the waiting room and made a cup of tea. 15 past the meeting time, a bit of a twinge, then a conscious release. A lovely blong woman in a white soft neck brace approached. Her room was wonderful. Large, soft warm colors, soft light, quiet cheerful fountain, picture of a dock leading toward a sunset over her right shoulder. Introductions, short explanations and descriptions. Bathroom break then lay back in the soft plush cream recliner with a plum blanket tucked around my feet and draped under my chin, hood pulled up to cover my crown. Aware, awareness, moving, breathing. Fears of failing, disappointment but moved past, though they lingered, the consciousness lingered, throughout. Mostly, relaxation, a connection to a deeper part of myself. An elevator, wrought iron, sometimes with intertwining ivy, clouds all around, misting. The elevator itself not permanent, changing. The ceiling black then gold. The floor wood then blank then wood. the door stainless steel. Push the down button and I fall. I feel the falling. Rushing, i try to slow it down, as she counts down from...i cant remember what number she started at. Deeper, i feel myself falling deeper. Land. The door opens but I cant see what she is describing- its just blank. I try to pull something together. I see a path, I see a door, a wooden door, wonderfully carved. I open it, pushing the handle. There is a room of clouds, soft brightness, gold. There is a box, suspended. My subconscious she says. A treasure box, of wood and leather and jewels. Lift the clasp and press the jewel in front and it opens. Some memories tumble out as she calls to them, standing in Noni's kitchen (eating waffles?) Dad's kitchen, his pantry, but then a vortex, a tornado, pulling them back in. I try to put some good thoughts in at her suggestion, but its difficult to shape them. An image, me, overweight, crosslegged in Yoga pose, in a lime leotard, calm, serene. A strange image but one that fills me with hope and acceptance. Coming back, she calls me back, and I awake, fresh, revitalized, high, so high! We chat a bit, I am aware, soft focus, but present. Euphoric as I descend the real elevator and leave the building. Smiling with teeth, laughing at the sky, the people in their cars in traffic, the light is beautiful, thick. Lights on trees, beautiful. Stay happy she says, stay in a good place for a while after. I walk pass Tesla and turn around and go in and chat with the man about the cars. Feel lifted. Talk with Aimee, feel so high, watching birds, cars go by. Home...home feels good, feels right! And it is right. Call ahead (my excitement is pouring out of me) and get Aub to set up a board game. Play right when I get home. Talk with mum, visit Luke, eat dinner -AT THE TABLE- and chat with Katie. Watch a bit of Seeker and have ONE handful of M&Ms...then Brush my teeth. Back to watching the movie. Then-decide i need a break- DO YOGA! then rest...REST! lay in my bed and smile and feel wonderfully satiated and sleepy. wander around the rest of the evening, laundry, shower, meals for tomorrow, tv with aub and jerry and katie, finish the Seeker episode. And here I am. At peace. Felt a bit low during the end of Seeker, but it feels good, feels grounded now. A miracle, a blessing...a wonderful wonderful evening of Freedom. 'Why would I do that? Thats just silly'. yes, i agree. and i can follow through with actions to show my agreement. So grateful tonight, so grateful. Feel other feelings coming up, understand the importance of taking and doing the fourth step, will work on that tomorrow. The Magic of these two healing processes combined will lead me into the Light, I hope, I pray, I believe. Grateful for Dawn, her generosity. Grateful for a Loving support system. Grateful for a good night of rest stretching before me...

12:38 bedroom

How do you get rid of something, that doesn't want to be gotten rid of? I feel possessed. I feel, a shell, possessed. Confused. Hollow. On the tip. Tears brim. WHy do I have to go through this pain? No, not that. Everyone has pain. Its just unfortunate that seems like it will never end. The thought that, this is meaningless, crossed my mind. That is very old thinking. take me, take all of me. take my self will. it feels taken.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

12:19 living room 12:43, bit of a delay, washing up and tidying chores. I need not be alone, I am not alone, I cannot be alone. For now, for now, maybe forever, but for now, I know this:
I am powerless over food, and my life has become unmanageable because of it.
I believe in a higher power that can restore me to sanity.
I now make a decision to turn my will - my mind and thoughts - and my life -my actions- over to the care of the Higher Power, my Guiding Spirit, who will lead me to Light, which I believe is Love. My life is in the hands of Greater forces, I accept I am not in charge of my destiny, but that I can shape it for a brighter future by tuning into and listening to a Creative Intelligence that is more powerful and knowing than I. I am willing to believe this, I believe it, and pray to have faith.
I cannot eat certain foods under certain behaviors or I become isolated, disconnected and selfishly insane. Insanity reigns when I:
Eat sugar, salted nuts and crackers, popcorn
Eat distracted (reading, watching), when I'm feeling lonely (alone, tired), without direction (bored, uncertain, unstructured) or willful (resentful, cynical).
Sanity - serenity, mindfulness, love - reigns when I:
Slow Down, Breath, Reach, Connect, am Willing, am Guided.
I believe I can recover. I will live in each moment, I will notice my breath, the blood flowing through my body, the emotions flowing through my mind, the glow of my spirit. I will talk and call and listen and hug and smile with others. Family, friends, fellowship, foreigners. We are all connected. I believe I can recover. I believe in my dedication and commitment. I feel strength flowing through me, strength that is not only my own. A strength that calls to a power, a wisdom deep inside me. I feel it, a faith, growing. I believe in my actions, my movements. I can do this, but not alone. I need Love and support and companionship from all the four F's. I reach out...I embrace Love, I breath Love, I pass it on.
Please, take away this craving. Please, take away my vanity. Higher Power who is stronger and greater than me, who is a part of me, I give you my obsession, I give you my pride. Please guide me to humility and compassion. I pray to live and lead a Life of Love. To share Love and joy and pain with others, to relieve suffering, and hopefully to gain a better understanding of the Universe.
My Guide, I offer myself to Thee- to build with me and to do with me as Though will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will of Love. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life of Serenity. May I do Thy will of Love always.
I come to believe.
Grateful for fellowship, companionship of understanding. Grateful for the love of my family, the support of my friends, the strength of my Love to give to others, the strength and force of the Creative Intelligence, which has passed on wisdom and serenity to so many, and I hope and pray, to me. I am ready, I open myself to Thee, to you, My Guide.
Sunshine and water...

Saturday, February 6, 2010

12:33 game room

danced to 1am last night, amazing show- Rusko. coat confusion resolved with me driving home to sleep. ate a bit but not overwhelming or out of control. so tired and groggy. up this morning after a few hours of heavy sleep. heavy step today but not unpleasant. beautiful warm afternoon and early evening. babysat and a good experience, best in a long while. brought a pack of gum along which had a lot to do with it i think. and a less strict attitude i think. which just seemed to 'happen'. felt good on the drive home, wanting mystery and mystic. sat in the living room for a while with jerry and luke. as soon as luke left i felt like watching something - BONG! WARNING. my body wanted sleep. my spirit wanted rest. my mind wanted stimulation. fucking mind. ate a bunch and now feel sad, disappointed. awake. watching Luke kill other machine gun men in robot suits on Halo. grrr. let it go. Let Love in. anger will get me no where. forgive and move on. my soul, tasting life, tasting the other side and its lifting freedom from food obsession, from hiding, from crouching. but my self-will, my ego is just so prejudiced against change, so set in its stubborn provincial ways, stuck in its hut, shutter closed. my mind will always be the hut of the illness, but it doesn't have to be dark and unkempt and derelict. I pray for a Guiding Spirit of Love to change me, to sweep and scrub down the house, to open the windows and doors to the light and the rain, to plant flowers around the edges and set a strong roof and dig a deep cool cellar in a strong foundation. grateful for people to live with, to be with, to talk to, to share with. pray for the courage and strength to let Love in my heart. Please, I pray, Guiding Spirit show me Love, take my will and life in your power and guide me to Love, to do thy work. Guide me to my purpose. I am willing to believe in your having a purpose for me. I will sleep now, and rest. Grateful for the opportunities in my life.
I dont like how it clouds my memories, steals them from me, steals my past, steals my present, blurs my future with negative or cynical attitude. but when im clean, when im clear, things return to me, memories, feelings, emotions. like magic...the Magic of Light...of Love...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

11:30 bedroom

Though I feel strangely mellow and even a bit low, it was a good day. Not much work and my big saturday project was cancelled so I spent the morning checking new music and having a random long chat with a new friend from myspace. entertaining and stimulating and put a smile on my face as I walked to the lunch room. Slow lunch, talking, zoning out pleasantly at the end. Long walk for tea and fresh air. Started reading chapter 5 of the Big Book online and spent a lovely late afternoon and early evening absorbed in its words and ideas, to the melodic and emotional tunes of a new artist from myspace, catching each phrase and point inside me and re typing it in my letter to Sponsor E. Finished slowly, read a perfect email from Aimee (telling me to love myself and create my imaginary space right now, right here as best as I can), and ate some pecans slowly before I left, so I wouldn't be hungry and head straight to the food when I arrived home. Daydreamed about my book character on the drive, so much that I pulled over on upper preston road and scribbled some of the thoughts into my little book in my purse. Home and up to see mum for a short chat. Make her tea and make dinner. Eat while watching netflix, and over ate, but there was something slowing me down, forcing me to be conscious about the choices i was making. I ate a large amount of food, but I stopped. It was border line binge, but it wasn't a binge. It is really nice arriving home at a dinner hour, instead of late, so that I can eat, rather than fight the desire too. Hopefully, eventually I wont have the need, but right now it is programed into me by habit and very very hard to avoid. Finished eating, finished the show, and flossed and brushed. Went back upstairs for more social time, more love, talked with aubrey, with mum, then went to exercise. Talk with aimee, shower, sit with luke. A very good evening. Felt a downward tilt to my mood in the shower, acknowledged it, though im not sure why i felt it. But it was there and i scrubbed my body with rainwash body wash on the white loofa and soothed it away. its time for rest, in all my faculties of being, body, spirit and mind.
"If we search with sincerity, answers will appear" says Daily Reader. "May I continue my quest to understand. May my actions reflect sincerity of purpose and courage to change the things I can." I am grateful to OA for guiding me on my quest to understand. For helping me find the courage and strength to open myself up to Creative Intelligence of the Universe, my Spiritual Guide, who leads me to Love. I pray to live a life of humility and compassion. I pray to let go of egocentric thoughts and ways and embrace a life of giving and loving. Grateful for a safe house.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

11:56 bedroom

"Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?" As soon as a (wo)man can say that (s)he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure herhim that (s)he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built." I love this whole paragraph, especially the metaphor of the castle. My degrading demoralizing decrepit crumbling stone prison will fall, the thorny ivy will rot and a new strong fortress will be constructed, day by day, moment by moment, prayer by prayer, positive thought by positive thought, action by action, believe by faith by hope...
I still do so many of the things listed in Chapter two of the OA 12 and 12...I still act in "an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner". It is disconcerting, that I fall back, but forces me to concede that i have to face reality. That I have this baffling and cunning disease. It winds itself around my head and tortures my body.
Had a hazy and confused day. Then struggled with myself about whether I would go to painting class or go home. The illness wants me to isolate and hide and I have to do exactly the opposite, as hard as it is. Thank GOD i have amazing friends who encourage (aka whine at me) to come out and be social. That is my cure, to Go Out and be with people. In other words, LOVE! love myself, love others, let that love in. It really is a kind of Magic, such a wonderful feeling that burns up any negative energy or thoughts or feelings. I am very lonely and sad at night and thats why I eat. I feel the yearn for Love when I come home, but usually everyone is in bed or my siblings are doing homework and its hard to connect. Restricted my food today (didnt really feel like eating at all) then ate hectically when I got home for about an hour. I was daydreaming on the drive about a perfect little haven of space where I could come home to and dance and relax and then go to bed. Sort of a single apartment in the middle of nowhere. And then I thought- No. I want to make my life happy now, here...because this is all I have! This night! I am feeling dragged down but I won't give up hope because I can't. I still have so much of it and I'm grateful for that strength. I feel myself falling backwards but little by little, two steps forward, one step back, I will make it. I will recover and live in serenity!!! We both will! I believe! (I'm going to say this over and over to myself, morning, afternoon, evening, and night...)
I am willing to believe in a higher power who will help me change. Help me stop lying, to others and to myself, about my eating habits. To face the Truth with bare-assed honesty.
It isn't really a physical comfort, but I have to concede that I have stopped my 'purging', the over-exercising after i binge. In some ways it makes things even more frustrating, but on the other hand, I am writing and thinking now after I eat rather than shoving the emotions down even deeper under exhaustion and sweat.
"our lives were out of balance" ..."in all of life, as well as with the food, we were irrational, unbalanced, insane. If our willpower and determination couldn't change our unsuccessful way of living, what could? Clearly a Power greater than ourselves had to be found if we were to be restored to sanity."
"We are invited to define that Power however we wish and reate to it in whatever way works for us...we remain open to spiritual growth and show tolerance for others..."
The strength of the Camaraderie of our fellows who understand...and accept...and Love.
What do I need from a Higher Power? I need Strength and Love and Encouragement and Guidance and Purpose. and Availability.
What would I like such a Power to be and to do in my life? A Higher Power, a Greater Force is a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe, who Loves me completely, who helps me to a higher purpose, who helps me cultivate humility and Guides me to a life of Love and Compassion. Help me Life Live, encourage me to be Active and Present, to Show up for people and myself. To Live! To embrace all emotions and feelings. To Heal. To free my mind of the obsession in order for my brain to turn over a new soil and bright thoughts to take root and grow under the glow of Love.
*"Most of us also needed to learn to ask other people for help and let God speak to us through our fellows. In OA, God's healing power comes to us through a caring community of other compulsive overeaters."
*I believe a Greater Force can being a healing process that will relieve me of the compulsion to overeat and bring stability to my life. OA gives me Love, and I can respond with Action, and a new faith in myself, in others and in the Power of Love.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

6:15 bedroom

wow, behind the days, whee have they gone. to food, to mind scapes, to work, to love. work is picking up again, which is nice. stayed home today, to recover from my cold. didn't sleep as i thought i would, and had a nice morning, watched videos and cleaned the kitchen and went on a long walk. went past where the forest path ends and opens up onto the wide grass road. continued past the first bend, to another, and then another. paused reverently to watch steam rise from a circular fork. veered right, bend to the right, bend to the left and pause again as steam rose in great clouds in front of a dark part of the path. turned around and started thinking about food. made lunch but a glich in the cooking time unleashed overeating. stopped before i was too uncomfortable, but still more food that was normal. read the next chapter in Big Book outloud in the sunshine on the living room couch, then exercised. went outside for another walk on the path, stopped at TreeMan and said a prayer, to the air, to the forest. A prayer for something to come help me live a life of compassion and love. A strong prayer of humility. For help. For guidance. Run back into the yard and a couple loops around, wildly joyous to be moving, to be outside in the chill air in the sunshine. spin around and around between the four trees in the grassy knoll turnaround and bound over to the trampoline. fly for a bit, free, so free. a thought that i don't have to feel restricted by my surroundings, especially work. that is a restriction i put on myself, a restriction of my mind trying to control other's thoughts and feelings. stretch, shower. sort of a hazy evening. finished the audio for Chapter 3 and sent my notes to Sponsor E. Wake up call from Ber, feeling isolationist. Going to C's tonight, a good thing I think, otherwise might stew in a mental fog. Feel very sedentary. Grateful for OA, accepting the compulsive illness for something I will have always. Might as well face it now, so i can move on with my life. accept it, take the action i need to, gain a spiritual life, and live. grateful for annoyances that help me grow spiritually. the third tolerance of patience, says the Dali Lama, tolerance against those who cause us injury. Love your enemy for they are a catalyst for your spiritual growth. hmmmm. I pray to embrace a life of compassion and Love. Oneness with all. the Universe. the One. Love. mind is crazy today. all over teh place. bouncing like a rubber ball in a box. which is what it really is, i guess ;) let go of the ball! open the box! laugh ;)

Sunday, January 24, 2010

11:39 dining room

Each binge is only more emphasis for step 1.
sniffles, and throat tight from excessive drinking this weekend. but good fun all around. Britt's going away gathering friday night, then to C's for pie baking (and wine). Aub's bball game on saturday, binge the afternoon, walk, jump and exercise after it, then to C's going away party. Lots of interesting people, laughing, dancing, all around fun :) Starting to feel helpless at my sadness but I just have to let it roll through. Think I need to pull back so I don't grow any bitterness.
Grateful for talking with Sponsor E tonight, she's great with giving grounding perspective. Time and effort. Willing, not trying. If I try, Im trying to control. If im willing, im letting a higher power come in and do what I cant. I've tried. It doesnt pan out. And allowing myself to create a higher power exactly how I need. If its a higher power, its going to have the ability to adapt to whatever a person's needs are. My job to really open up and be honest about what i need. Now I need strength, courage, humility, compassion to find and embrace and embody and live Love. Grateful for my house, my family, the fellowship, my friends. I have an infinite list of wonders to be grateful for. Breath.

Life is overflowing with the new. But it is necessary to empty out the old to make room for the new to enter.
- Eileen Caddy

Thursday, January 21, 2010

9:26 dining room

a mental obsession, a physical craving. chocolate tonight, wanted the savory sugar, the creaminess. didn't have any so i sought it out relentlessly. almost caved to mixing powder cake mix, thank god i didnt. but is shoving other food in my mouth no worse? cant even really remember what i ate. going backwards...cookie, white bread with meat, vita gummies throughout, apricot, yogurt, kiwi. started with pasta, broccoli, garlic bread, apple, can peas, prunes.
bread. bread with peanut butter and honey.
awful. thinking "Thats his/her food" helped stop with the pasta. Need to remember that with junk food and vita gummies. Its their food. Take that mentality for all of it. Its their food.
Writing this now, because I want to move through this, i dont want to push it aside with distraction until i feel better physically and mentally. it happened- what can i learn from it? how can i turn this brick into a stepping stone? first, its a concrete example of the mental obsession and physical craving taking over sane thought and action. I am powerless over food, it makes my life unmanageable, because it creates insanity. The same thing, over and over. Second, it is a reminder that eating is a pleasure, but that it is also a gift, bounty from the universe, mother earth and the sun. When I eat, I eat only, with no distraction of reading or watching. Talking and sharing with others and I encourage it for myself, because I find it slows me down. Ah, I was eating very fast tonight, taking the food for pleasure but more so to satisfy that physical craving. And today, I noticed I was focusing on food throughout the day. Tired now, and a little sick, but nothing too bad. Feel uncomfortable physically and spiritually. Let go of negative thoughts, of body image, of failure. It happened, its over, move through it. Take positive action steps.
...brushed teeth, talked, exercised, showered, called...
grateful for Hope. written on my shirt. grateful for a warm house. grateful for forward vision, for present focus, for past consideration. pray for strength in all. to learn from all. to be in the moment, to embrace my emotions and move with them.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

11:56 computer room

I only have this day to take action, i only have this moment to enjoy, to move through, to feel. only this moment. i pray for the strength to feel my emotions and the courage to carry them with humility. i pray for the strength to follow my own desires, the ability to hear my inner voice and heed its call. I am torn in a situation, about going on a trip with a friend. I don't know what to do. I give it up to you, a greater force, a higher power. I pray for guidance. I pray for love, inside and the strength to give it without reservation or condition. I pray for the strength to follow guidance. I pray. Grateful for a sponsor to check in with, to help me reflect, to keep me moving on the path of recovery. I overate tonight, for pleasure, for reassurance. Apathy kicked in a bit through. Stopped when the feeling of sickness just sprouted. Grateful. Goodnight.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

9:42 computer room

Feeling zen at the moment and decided I should write a bit, because it hasn't been very often that I come here in a peaceful state of mind and body. Tired, but not unpleasantly. Body is winding down, readying itself for sleep. And an early day tomorrow, working for volunteering for MLK day.
Long friday, lots of activity in the office, and then after, the excitement of going to a great show with C and his buddies. Nap before and put aside program work for convenience. Great DJ set and live show, drank quite a bit, but was aware for it all. Standing in front of the sink back at C's house, drinking 3 mugs of water, because something told me to. Grateful for that bit of wisdom in the morning, felt little hangover, just tired. Though I dropped out of a work presentation because, honestly, i really didn't want to go. Felt a bit guilty, then let it pass, and read the Dali Lama while C slept beautifully next to me. left for home in the afternoon and ate it away, into the evening. was that really just last night? feels like longer. watched a movie on netflix, then did a short, painful, exercise, my stomach was so extended i couldnt do the frog sit or i felt like i was going to throw up. but in bed by midnight and a decent sleep. up this morning with a bit of anxious energy, tried to calm my mind during stretches and reading. I was still a bit jumpy on the drive to the work presentation but felt very calm and mellow when i arrived. felt very comfortable standing in front of the 50 people in the room. sometimes i feel more confident when there are more faces, and more fidgety and hurried when there are only a few. (whoops, got distracted there, banking, facebook, and wonderful phone call from a long lost very dear friend). Visit with Ruthie and Amber and then home to a delicious roast beef dinner with the family. Mum was in her bathrobe and hair towel and aubrey was reading, and there were no terrible arguments. A bit stressed after but made a cup of tea, let go the need, felt the low hit as i denied it, but felt better watching some movie with mum. had a few cookies and then some prunes but stopped when the thought came- if i was in my own place, i would enjoy what i wanted then stop. and so i stopped. brushed my teeth and moved on. first call with my sponsor E, a very loud and laughing lady who i can imagine claire sounding like when she gets older. feel okay now. on the journey, standing on the path and wanting to continue padding down it. slowly, one day at a time. grateful for the fortunes of my fate; a home, food and a mostly loving family. I am willing, to love myself, to reach inside, to breath life into my spiritual flame...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

9:47 dining room

full day, still more left in the night, so much can happen in the space of 24 hours if i am not compulsively eating or reacting to it. life is full, and the program gives me the strength to handle and enjoy it. and the hope and courage to pray for a stronger recovery. grateful for this day, not spectacular, not dreary, level- and that is okay, good even. connecting and nurturing myself. grateful for program, for a new sponsor, for the rain at night falling on black windows that reflect the warm glow of bright bulbs under caramel shades and burgundy grape lights and white christmas lights twined around the ceiling. turning pages and taping keys, brother to my left, sister to my right, this moment ;) grateful for my life and the choices i have in it.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

11:08 dining room

Love reigns. Inner strength shines through. I have to remember to believe in myself as well as higher powers and forces. I am in this universe, on this earth, in this space. If i don't take true care of myself, there is nothing for me. I cannot truly live life with others until i believe in my own self-worth and love myself for exactly what i am- a piece of heaven. Which we all are. Whatever soul or spirit you believe in, we are all made of the same pieces of everything around us, and when we die, we go back to the earth and to space. We are energy.
I am worthy. I am grateful. I now have a sponsor and a very committed plan, for at least the next 30 days. But all i really have to think about is today. this hour. this minute. this moment. because that is all that is real. feel time slip past you like wind. from the mystery that is before us. it really is a kind of magic, existence. i am grateful for mine. grateful for love.

12:05 dining room

i ate tonight because it brought me pleasure, and i wanted that pleasure. had this though on the drive home too, that part of it was pleasure, and tried to think of what else brought me such sensory pleasure on the same level. connecting with other people was the first thought. sex with C was another. a small daydream. well, that wasn't going to happen tonight. brushed my teeth as soon as i put my purse and scarf down. thank god aubrey was in the kitchen, we made our lunches together, and it was pleasant and i was grateful for her. the desire arose as we finished though and i verbalized my thought, "i feel like a little snack". small bell in my head, "i shouldn't". two vitagummies. two kiwis. slowly, enjoyably. and STOPPED. brushed my teeth, again. cup of tea, up with aubrey to watch a bit of Scrubs. desire rose again, even after i texted amy that the night was safe, the heartache had been thwarted. pleasure. bread and peanut butter and banana. more bread, more pb, more banana. more bread. sugar, carbs. raisins. apple. sucker.
i am awake, but i dont want to be. i want to sleep. a very strange sense of pleasure, brushing my teeth for the third time. 'i'm still thin. i can keep doing this.' terrifying. this disease, baffling, cunning. trying to tie together my body image and self-worth, trying to drag me down the road of insanity. succeeding.
afraid to think of tomorrow. afraid to move, to realize the damage. afraid of my inability to think of failing again.
please help me god, please help me. i will find a sponsor.
i don't want to escape. i want to be part of life, saturated in it. present, here, focused. i read news articles and watch documentaries now rather. im still present. for most of it. but do i have to keep doing this? no. slowly, slowly, slowly (painfully) i will let go of the disease and fully embrace life and myself and God. who embraces me with so much love its hard to fathom. listening to a book on tape about God's purpose for you. very bible-y but interesting concepts. would like to explore all religions and spiritual paths. abstinent. so i can face myself and God. a deep conviction grabbed me after the two kiwis, a painful wince across my face, as if from a invisible slap, and i turned around to brush my teeth, the second time, after the two kiwis.
but the desire was too strong the third time. tempt it i shall not, or suffer. a safe location, my bedroom is where i need to go, to be. to sit, to feel, to live through the confusion.
awake, so awake. slightly numb. full, but not uncomfortably. afraid, afraid of getting fat (i wont mince words, honesty is a pillar of program). but accepting it for what it is. realizing its ridiculous to associate fat with worth. but its hardwired into my brain and going to take a while to rewire.
going to lie in bed, breath, pray, hope for sleep.
god. higher powers. please help me through my confusion. this great confusion.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

10:16 dining room

i feel spiritually low. and physically discomforted.
poor things today started when i got home and started eating. felt low, anxious, without direction. continued until now, multiple sessions of binging and distraction.
good things today started with a clear wake up. no hangover (from last nights great dinner party and long crazy funk dance show and party including an MC rap at the end) though tired, and managed to ignore C's pawing. Did have good sex a bit later. He looked like a caveman, big beautiful blue eyes glowing out of dark scruffy hair and beard. hang around a bit, lunch at subway, hang with amber.
home and let myself eat a carrot. NO. i need to stick with the food plan. its discipline gives me the freedom to live other areas of my life.
i need a sponsor. i want to move on. i want to work the steps. i need help, i can't do this alone. i think accepting and welcoming a sponsor is finally, truly accepting this.
god help me help myself. let myself fall into this tonight. its not okay, it will never be okay. i need structure, i need support.
i want to be home. i dont want to have to stay at other people's places, i dont want to run.
god help me, help myself.
eating slow helps, but not when im eating outside my eating plan. a week commitment after signing a form at the health fare we worked at last saturday. if my paper gets drawn, i get a free hour of nutritionist consultation. also got a pair of free socks, woohoo!
wondering if i should go in late tomorrow, so i can exercise in the morning. previously, this would have been a negative reaction to binging, but I havn't exercised in a long time, and i think i need the movement and blood flow to lift my attitude and energy for the rest of the day.
"You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
- Christopher Robin to Pooh
grateful for shelter. really not feeling grateful right now, but I know i have so many things to be thankful for. thankful that its not too late, and i can still get a decent sleep. grateful for forgiveness, that i don't have to purge tonight.

Friday, January 8, 2010

11:53 bedroom

Midnight has crept upon me swiftly, though not unpleasantly. A moment of extreme focus, i can definitely say a high, settled over me in a slow bite and crunch and wet squish of green beans in cottonseed oil. A moment of lift. A very good day.
UP, incredulously, at 7:36, to the call of my bladder, 9 minutes before my phone would sing with alarm. Sleepy, but not exhausted as I dishearteningly feared before falling asleep last night. My usual morning routine, slightly dampened, but let go to the music and ate a full breakfast and quickly packed a good lunch. all after a sad and emotional and tear-streaked-cheeks-night. Work unusually full of activity, especially for a friday. A very nice long chat with dad while i typed emails and printed off some documents, an hour actually. I really do love him, and see how he is changing, and feel protective of him. I want him to be engaged and peaceful. Him and Sherry are a very odd couple. Talked of Jim and Shayla. He is getting very bank-erish, she is growing very tall. a long very good lunch with C. savory and delicious sandwiches from Salumi and a yummy curry lentil soup, even though it looked like a bowl of dijon. Deep to hectic kisses and fondling in the kitchen to the bedroom and a beautiful and enjoyable and happy love making in the soft white afternoon light streaming through linen curtains. energized afterwards, enough to reveal to C about my hard night, and was gratified with his comfort. Giddy schoolgirlish walk back to work, almost 2 hours later, but no one really minded, or they would have said something. half of leftovers to katie and david, and a nice short talk with them. afternoon passed quickly, meeting and then the evening was upon me. stayed late to wait for a volunteer to pick up supples, rain pouring as i helped her carry them to her trunk. stayed late, reading material, eating a snack of pistachios and orange. seriously considered walking to the grocery store, but dediced that was not the best choice. to the friday night meeting, and arrived early enough to walk around a few blocks with my umbrella, a very good choice. a good meeting, i led, a bit tired and sleepily but very much listening. backed into another woman's car as i was leaving, on the phone to B. I will see if she calls tomorrow. What will be will be. And I will not use my phone while i am driving. part not hitting anybody, part present focus. home, to tea and minutes of a movie with jerry and luke, to short talk with mum, to dinner. Larger than set and expansive into binge territory...but the green beans spoke to me. the carrots first, wanting me to eat them with movie pause slowness. so present, so aware. and a miracle. i was done. i Wanted to get up and go brush my teeth, not eat any of the cookies sprayed across the table and cutting board. A blessing.
If I show up; if i am present and focused and slow about movements and thoughts- the need will be lifted and i can move through to serenity. amazing. breathing. focus. feeling. conscious thought. thank you. A tea and movie with luke about Petra. A shower. Reading, then bed. A miracle, a blessing, I am humbled by the strength that is inside me, and the power that lifted me.
Work tomorrow. And that is okay. a little good even :) having a schedule to continue. good habits to follow. and another day to be present. grateful for this day. for this abstinence. for OA leading me on a spiritual path of recovery. i pray for the strength to continue to love myself and therefore love others.

12:07 bedroom

I cannot say yes or no to a binge. that is not in my control. I have no control over binging. At no point can I say, "Im okay, i feel good, there is no worry." It will always be there, waiting, if I let my guard down. That is tonight's lesson.
I will not give up. The choice is mine to use my problems as stepping stones or stumbling blocks. For each mistake, I can use it to place a brick on the path ahead of me, and follow the brick road home. I choose not to live my life unhappy and depressed, though I am fighting it. I accept this disease/illness of my being, and that is half the battle. "I have to live with this disease the rest of my life, but that's okay because the Twelve Steps give me a path to follow."
Im learning to cry, im learning to laugh, im learning to feel. very slowly. how can i go to the office tomorrow? and pretend like everything is normal? that i can control myself? that i am not a subject to food? it may at times master me, but i do not have to be a slave to it. I do well all day, and it would be hard for anyone to come home and not snack, let alone let alone someone whose spiritual confusion and old habits seem to rule her life sometimes.
its okay paradie. we can try again tomorrow.
okay. i will sleep and pray and rest now. grateful for hope.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

11:18 bedroom

A few phrases in the second part of This Emotional Life on PBS tonight made my mouth hang open and my eyes widen. Remarks about how our brain can get used to a situation and make itself think that its status quo is acceptable, even good. They had a scientific name for it, meaning our brain's ability to adapt itself to a situation, good or bad. Earlier, sitting on the couch I felt an extremely clear, rational consciousness take over. My belly was extended to the point of pain, and i was curled tight into myself, though my arm was draped over the back of the sofa. Contrasts, like like rational versus emotional. As before, when the emotional side of my brain and body took over and ate to suppress the emotions that were arising. Uncertainty and its children fear and anxiety. Again, I feel like it was terrible, that I went through that. I want, I pray, I need to be in a place where I have ways and means to be able to confront the uncertainty and anxiety that arises when I feel the need to eat. And before. I need to be able to face the night, to face my future. To put the fear of the future away, and focus on the present. Be in the moment. Progress is happening, but I need, want, pray for some real changes. I want to stop eating compulsively. And working the program helps, but going to meetings doesn't necessarily, because I just come home and binge. I don't want to run, I want to face it. The body image, the moments of low-self worth. To be able to enjoy this time NOW, realize now is all i have. I can make this day exactly what I want it to be, i just need to let go of reservations and put a little faith in a higher power, and breath deeply. Let love into my life.Let go of worry and fear, and believe, pray, hope that everything will work out as it should. Let go and let god. Let it be.
A strange thought about my hair in the shower tonight, as i was trying to let go of body image, and how much of the anxiety about overeating is from fear of being fat. Why do I have long hair? If I was on a deserted jungle island, I would not want to be hard core and beautiful. I would want to be carefree in the sun with short hair that i wouldn't have to take care of ;) I need to imagine myself on a deserted island more often. Let go of thinking others are judging me, let go of thinking others have expectations for me. Everyone is concerned with their own. Everyone is being taken care of by their own higher power. I worry though, that they aren't, that I need to help them. But how can i really help them, how can i realy care, if I don't care about my own life. How can I show someone the beauty of their existence if I question and doubt my own worth...? Being fit is always been a part of me, part of what i strive for. Always striving. What if i just let it go? and was who i am? became fat? who would really care? Men, i say in my head, I wouldn't be attractive to them. That is an issue I would like to tackle. Feeling like I need to be attractive to men. Like that is inherently my self-worth and when i am not fit (strange, not so much beauty, but fitness), when I am not fit, I am not worthy. Maybe because weight is so much an indicator or my struggle. That if I'm fit, i am 'free' or i am 'containing' it. I know being fit has no indication on my long term serenity, 23 years has proven that. So i have a choice, to let go of old choices, and make new responses to old habits. And I am not alone, I am never alone. I am tired. I am sad, I am feeling a bit lost and scared and overwhelmed. But there is peace here, in this piece of the world, in this moment and I am grateful for that. I can let go of the past, and enjoy the serenity of the moment. Grateful for Love, the hope of it, the beauty of it. Pray for balance between emotion and rationality. Pray for guidance. Grateful for the determination to go through with something I actually feel like i want to do. I can't yet knit, but I can cast on, and that is truly the beginning :)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

11:53 bedroom

"How my day goes depends on how I see my problems. If I think of them as stumbling blocks, I;ll probably be uptight and frustrated. But if I try to use y problems as stepping-stones to find out more about myself, today can be an important step in my growth. Admitting I'm wrong ca be a stepping-stone to being honest and humble. Working on an assignment I've put off can make tme more responsible. Letting go of one of my fears can help me find faith in a Higher Power. Stepping-stones or stumbling block-the choice is mine. No one can tell me how I should feel about today. That right belongs to me alone. I'll be a lot farther ahead if I don't let my problems get me down. They can make me stronger today if I use them to dig deeper into the program." -Jan. 5th One Day at a Time

Slower to anger, longer for anxiety to manifest. Patience growing. Feeling of guidance burning stronger. Moments bright and clear. Shimmers of understanding.
Still the overeating, the holding back.
Sandwiched by reflection and humble forgiveness of my imperfection. Letting go of body image, understanding how low self worth figures into this. I don't feel worthy of recovery. Without the post-motivation of a binge, I have waves of sadness and apathy.

Tonight was the first class in a 8 week series for intro to painting. 3 hours of a lesson in patience if nothing else. An older man, a very long time to say things, tangents galore. But wisdom, and simplicity and in that serenity, in between laughs and raised eyebrows. I think this class will be good for me, I feel its right-ness, as much as I let a deep breath out because of its slow pace, and seeming random and useless meandering. many deep breaths. but truly, the long introduction of every class member was fascinating. what people said about themselves, how they said it, spoke leagues about them. It will be interesting to see how the first impressions I have made change over the course of two months. And if they change, because I change. I think it would be hard not to change in 8 weeks. I would be sad not to.

I skipped a service meeting tonight, but I didn't feel bad about it. Nurturing my friendships is an okay pass, I feel. I don't want to feel any more resentful against OA than I already do- as grateful for it as I am.
What will come will come. I want a fit body, but that will take time, and I may never achieve the image I have in my head, but I may gain much much more. Confidence to try and do anything, regardless of my hips or arms or thighs or belly. They are a part of me, and I want them healthy, but they will never be perfect. If they are, my mind will be dark, and my spirit broken. More so than it has ever been.
I pray for humility and compassion and the courage to reach out to others in my time of need. To love myself and have confidence in my self-worth so that I can nurture myself with every bit of my being. I pray for the strength to be honest, with myself, with everyone around me, with Higher Powers and forces. Grateful for small crystals of understanding and honesty that do come and the strength to embrace them. Understanding I would like to stay at C's tomorrow night, but only because it is a 'safe zone'. And I don't want that garden relationship to harden into walls that crumble. A tough night with him last night, trouble sleeping, anxiety about not being able to sleep. A strange dream, and a huge relief upon waking, to realize it wasn't real. A house on the water, C's family baking, C leaving and not saying a final goodbye, an annoying girl who was his friend, Sarah and friends waking after a night of partying, spread all over the house on the water. Fighting a dragon? ...
Awake now, from carbs. I will put on a zen cd and deeply breath and pray for peace and love for myself, for the world, for the universe.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

8:49 computer room

101st post. how far have i come?
tired, tired of being tired. knowing what has to come. dedication. commitment. hard choices. sacrifices. tough choices. but for a good end, i believe in the good never-ending changes...
confusion, fearful anxiety, old habits of how i cope with these; this is my eating disorder. also maybe an underlying depression and concern about purpose and meaning. but i can change the upper level problems and through those solutions, dig into the deeper levels. i dont think the layers can be categorized by light or dark or thick or thin. they are themselves, but the former overlay the latter, they hide them.
i am not exercising tonight, though my old mind cries for that. i am tired. i'm going to take a relaxing shower, meditate and sleep. this is what my integrated self needs and is coming to want. true healing and health.
grateful for peace and serenity, though mostly i really don't understand how i have it. but thankful to the powers of the universe for helping me embrace it.
a long day. many thoughts, states of consciousness. which doesn't bother me anymore. it is part of who i am, and can reveal to me more about what im feeling at different times.
grateful for bounty. cooking seems to help, the preparation of food, especially sharing with others. food becomes a nurturing bond rather than something to be hated and reviled. food is nourishing and life-sustaining and a connection between people. i need to let go of the negative associations that i have developed with it. put the old relationship with food behind me, learn from those mistakes, and refresh the relationship.
grateful for friends, for siblings, for family.

Friday, January 1, 2010

11:42 dining room

A year ago, this month, I attended my first OA meeting. A year. To be honest with myself, I've come a long way. I still rough roads to travel through the spiritual disorder and addiction, but the journey has long since started. My healing and recovery are seeded and sprouting. Now I must put all my energy and compassion and patience into not cutting them down before they bud. But i take heart! I firmly believe as firm as the roots are planted, I will always have hope, and as long as I see the light of each new day, there is a promise of change. Of goodness, of magic, of miracles, of serenity. With the dark comes the light, with the sadness comes the joy, with the pain comes solace and rest. Like Emily Dickinson's poem;
"Water, is taught by thirst.
Land—by the Oceans passed.
Transport—by throe—
Peace—by its battles told—
Love, by Memorial Mold—
Birds, by the Snow."
I have a better appreciation of life with brushes of dark thoughts and despair across my body, mind and spirit- my being.
I am starting to feel my body, really feel it, feel a part of it. joined with it. I overate tonight, but I am compassionate and loving and patient with myself. It is over, and I have regained the moment, I am present. I am tired though, very tired. I ended eating in the evening, but ate again as a wave of rebellion against sleep and hangover came over me.
New years eve celebration was very good, a nice and slightly amusingly akward dinner with C and another couple then back to his place for mimosa, mixed with entertainment. Walk to and ride on the light rail, strange, made seattle feel more like a real city. Part ways and head to the show. Caught the end of the last song of Fresh Espresso as we got our stamps. Aqueduct a fun surprise. Break to the men's bathroom (women's line was too long) for a perk. Thinking about it afterwards, I wouldn't have been so bold without the champagne and screwdrivers rolling around in my bloodstream ;p Back to dance gaily and lovingly with Creighton. Countdown with U.S.E. Arms wrapped around me, lifted and spun around. Two of the last people on the floor, we left around 2 as I came down. I wish it hadn't of bothered me so much, but I think the mix of alcohol was a bad choice for the end result. Met with Katie for a short walk, then wait for a while for a taxi. Sitting on a large cement flower container, in the midst of downtown shopping lights, singing softly, legs kept warm between C's, head resting against his stomach, my muscles and jaw still tight. Chilled at his home, a brief and welcome hot rinse and sit in the bath. Tired. Sleep. Woke thirsty this morning. A long day today. A nice morning, loving but not totally at ease. Home and eat. Rest then eat. Rest then eat. But not all bad. Netflix with luke, short conversations with mum.
"A new year. A new day. A new beginning. How do we become new?
This year holds out the possibility that we can learn from the past but not be bound by it. That we can move away from self-defeating habits. That we can come to better understand how much is enough, especially how much food is enough. Not too much, not too little, just...enough. As we learn how much food is enough, we can also learn how much is enough in other areas of life. How much work, how much play, how much money, how much sex, how many possessions. We don't need to make resolutions for learning all of this perfectly. Resolutions can set us up for disappointment. We will not be perfect today or any day. But we can be open to the possibilities that this moment, this hour, and this day bring. Today we can look for new ways to respond to old problems. We can listen to our inner voice. May new light's beginning be the next step in my recovery."
Grateful for electricity. Grateful for pause. Grateful for life. Grateful for curiosity. Grateful for need. I humbly ask for help. Please- God, Higher Powers, Guiding Spirit, Mother Earth- whatever you are, wherever you are; please embrace me and surround me with your love, so that I may hold it inside and nurture it and shine and warm others with it; please guide me to the Serenity to accept the things i cannot Change, the Courage to Change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.