Wednesday, December 30, 2009

9:58 dining room

a wednesday that feels like the birthing of a thursday and friday combined. tired. felt like my brain was very overstimulated when I got home. from the day, not from arriving at home. social with mum and jerry over soup, then with aubrey and katie as they ate dinner. ate through some youtube videos. tired. last two days have been well, beautiful skies today, all throughout. almost a full moon, shining brightly. blue tomorrow, the first in 20 years on a new year's eve. An eve. Of a new year. A day. Like any other. Its all the significance we attach to it. What if every day were as anticipated, as celebrated, as January 1st (or similarities across other religions and calenders). Though, in actuality, I associate J.1 with a hangover. Not the best way to ring in a fresh start. Tomorrow, I plan on having a good time, but not getting drunk. It doesn't get me anywhere.
Everyone upstairs now, sleeping or reading or watching videos. The dishwasher is aggressively loud, the clock by the front door ticks authoritatively. My abdomen is uncomfortable, clenching with cramps and rumbling grumpily. My head is aware, but weighted, my spirit is silent, emptily so.
But I am here, and I do not let go. Of the moment. Addressed some letters for Amnesty Int'l, but felt hubris not humility. Christmas decorations are slowly being withdrawn into boxes for the basement and attic. Fluffy farts escape sporadically. A scarf curls on the cotton tablecloth, wound like a cat. Our cats are having territorial disputes, Nina the elder being accosted by Rosie the younger. The air is cool, the moisture is gathering, falling wet here, falling snow on the mountains. A blessing. Friends are blessings. I am starting to overthink C, but its very nice to be able to lean backward from the obsessing and negativity, and laugh at it, even if I am not yet strong enough to halt it. A nice tea and chat with E yesterday. An endearing friend. I wish, just a little, in this instant, for the dream of being elderly in a big house with cats. and sunlight, and books. on the ocean. on a rise.
tomorrow is the ending of one year, the start of a new. but i feel the start of my journey happened a while ago. the awakening of my dormant spirit to the senses of the earth and universe. i feel like the universe is too big a concept for me right now, but focusing on the earth feels very right. tomorrow is another day and the day after it will be another day. and i will celebrate them just like the day after that.
grateful for imagination and dreams. i pray for the strength to grow compassion and courage to grow humility. grateful for love. and simple things.

Monday, December 28, 2009

11:21 dining room

feeling lost in myself again, losing my self to stubbornness and anxious impatience. the voice, the guide, is very strong in my head, in my being, but I am avoiding it to the failing of my physical and spiritual self. The push to go to the meeting was so very strong, as were the signs that something was to happen there. emails. a fortune cookie (no joke). but i resisted, i feared. moving forward, leaving something behind. moving forward into myself, leaving C behind. i broke a vase as i was leaving.
here is a poem:

Oh! cried Paradie
at the unexpected melody
of tinkling glass.

As soon as she had relieved herself
the vase fell off the toilet shelf
and broke into pieces.

The potpourri scattered
but what really mattered
was her sorrow.

So she went hunting late into the night
in the chance that she might
replace the lost scent.

If "Rainforest" his senses smoother,
I can always buy another
"Blackcherry" smells nice too. (seriously)

Then something silver caught her glance
a tool not unlike a rounded lance
to spear flakey crusts.

Spied her eyes
a lifter for pies
which he surely must have more than two of at his party.

Here ends our tale
toast with ale
a story sad-
turned shyly to glad.

Another binge tonight, wanted and given to myself. Moments of understanding, moments to hold back. Passed by. Through the moments, Paradie, through them.
The night is beautiful tonight. Standing outside the garage, I wished for dragons to fly through the sky.
grateful for so many things, for a loving family, for hope, for a new tomorrow. for sleep. love.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

11:31 bedroom

its been a few days. a wonderful christmas weekend. skiing on the eve, warmed by a gas fire as I waited for Luke to finish a few last runs. A stunning day, a quietly beautiful dusk, in the mountains. bright orange sunset on the drive home, almost apocalyptic. a very bad sleep that night, negative anxiety running rampant in my head. turns out L and A didn't sleep very well either, strange. Great present explosion, with Sue and Casey joining us. Clean up and go meet C for Sherlock homes, an embrace full of joy and gratitude. bob tail on my santa hat bouncing on my head, i almost ran into the car ahead of me, as it slowed down for a fire engine that had stopped for a car run off the side of the road, on the way to the movie theater. a delicious dinner, with C's blueberry pie. Origin and Blurt, new from the morning, brought lots of laughs. I was exhausted, sitting by the fire in my new tartan dress, and rolling around on the floor, trying out various reclining positions. Up late with C, no sex, but a violent orgasmic experience nonetheless. Good boxing day, walk in the woods, jump on the tramp, start to tidy the room, then go to meet C for sushi and Avatar IMAX. 2nd row, too close for some scenes, but still awesome. Back to his place and sleep. Sewing this morning, him sewing, me watching, though I did do a button on a shirt dress. Short trot around Goodwill then part ways. Feeling anxious today, but in a different manner. Left C with good terms, we had spent a lot of time together this weekend, but I had residual clingyness, and starting to feel twinges of jealousy again when he mentions other girls. Which i really really dislike, the twinges. Give it up; i get back more when I give more. just like xmas texts ;) home to an empty house, okay at first. heated up a tupperware bowl of leftovers then went to sit outside on the deck. a very strange afternoon light. warm but cool. too bright for this time of year. felt like i was in a bubble. the trees against the sky...colors I hadn't experienced since I was shrooming. slow slow eating. describing the texture and flavour in my mind, like i was an alien creature come to earth, and experiencing it for the first time. back inside, and restless boredom. played a bit of Prince of Persia, but while eating many gingerbread cookies. plus. started making paper airplanes, went for a quick rush through the woods, and a short rest in the clearing, until I heard the car door slam. ran back inside to finish the paper airplanes and chat with mum. various puttering until leave at 6 to meet the girls. gas and recycling and good dinner at B&O with all of us together, an veritable rarity. okay discussion and chatter, drop katie off, head home. rest for a moment, texting, then head inside and go for food. a veritable binge. but i really wanted it and let myself have it. now, i wish i hadn't, but at the same time i can feel the shadow of anxiety and restlessness of not binging. tired. tomorrow is another day. i like readying myself in advance. it feels great to not rush about so much when im leaving for something, an event, a meeting. my skin feels very soft today, the tips of my fingers, my arms and thighs. grateful for a warm strong house. for warm strong friendships. for a warm, strong family. for a warm, strong lover friend. for a warm, strong forgiveness. for a warm, strong loving higher power and mother earth. grateful for a guiding spirit, that guides me when i listen. merry christmas, peace and serenity and love grown, among earth's creatures and beings.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

12:20 bedroom

should make this quick, need to get to bed to sleep for rest for skiing tomorrow. though if i don't write out my thoughts, they may swirl endless patterns around my head and keep me awake.
a very strong binge tonight, on chocolate and cookies. bowls of the stuff. but before that; a very good day as far as patience. waiting, just letting time pass and not feeling like i have to control a decision. and interesting and good results. the past came back today, but it was a good visit with E. sentimental, but we have both changed, and i accept that. the connections i have with people keep me alive. they are what i live for. but i realize it will take pratice and patience to work up stamina to go an entire day. by the late evening when i got home, i was running out of steam. i made dinner but ate it while watching tv episodes. as i turned to the stairs, a warning light and bell went off in my head, and i acknowledged i shouldnt be doing this. i felt the 'rightness' of sitting at the table and mindful eating. but i went around it, tried to go past it. but one night of eating unhealthily will not ruin my life and should not dictate my next waking to the next morning light. that is then, and will be then. this is now. i was ignoring fatigue and sleepiness and so pushed aside serenity and emotions. i accept my mistake. i accept it and move on. it has happened. it happened. i release it. and now i will sleep.
grateful for friends, who are supportive in their very presence. grateful for laughter. grateful for cold, life affirming air. grateful for feeling a sense of my own responsibility to myself. grateful for love and what it teaches us.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

11:29 bedroom

head as chock full of thoughts and images (wonder where that phrase comes from) tonight as it was cloudy during the day. to match the sky. feeling tired. but a good tired from a full day. feeling uncertain, even as im typing. not sure the words i should put down. let it flow now, stream of consciousness. E. thinking about the two boys, how its old habit to make my day center around them. plans with. thoughts of plans with. thoughts of. i want to be free of obsessive thinking. a place of clear focus, where the moment is what matters. my slightly dry fingertips tapping and rubbing the keyboard keys. i think i have written something like that before. the rough cotton, kimono like faded pink robe warm against my skin. my damp hair cool against my scalp. my feet pressing hard against the thin scratchy rug covering the concrete floor. tongue moist against dry chapped lips. ear tickled from droplets of water left over from my shower. responsible for my existence. this is what i am. more important than my surroundings and what i have, is who i am. here to breath and take each moment for what its worth. precious life. what does life ask of me? in each instance? i try to listen. i feel the guidance. some part of me still holds back. but most of me now relishes the feeling...of knowing. not my knowing, but some greater wisdom, some greater force, higher powers...leading me somewhere, to and on a road I know not where it leads. but I will follow the silent voice. blinking cursor. wondering if words will appear. well, they will if i put action forth. woke up to raskal barking, for once a blessing, because I had set my alarm for p.m. and slept past my normal waking hour. a little late to work, but nothing serious today, again. a better day with the laid-back-ness, a wonderfully thoughtful gift from susan for everyone in our department. computer meandering. long walk with katie, chatting about boys and life. more computer meandering. meet up with ruthie at a coffee shop, long and gratifying discussion about our present mindsets. home to a cup of tea, a made dinner, and a slow eating of it while watching a Merlin episode with L. stopped mid bites because mum would come in and sit on the edge of the armchair i was curled in. an overwhelming anxiety would wash over me. but i simply put down the fork and paid more attention to the movie, forcing calmness (versus freaking out at her for no reason). Helped. I ate a few more things after, but I stopped. And I think the slow, present dinner made the difference. I could feel at the end, the compulsion to finish it take over- finishing it because it was food and it was in front of me. But I stopped! I stopped. And Im grateful for the grace and present thought that helped me through the undesirable twinge to eat more. Exercise, stretch and shower. Tired. feel a bit stuffy.
Yesterday- made dinner for C, a recipe I would like to attempt again for progress sake. Hair and Zoolander and an intense make out and sex session. A lovely reclining after, finishing the movie, then sharing. Telling him about my stone house, images of it clarifying as I talked. Earlier at dinner, I couldn't shut up, a right 'chatty cathy'.
grateful for pause. for weighted waiting. for the sigh of relief you feel at the end of it. grateful for plumbing. grateful for sleep.

Monday, December 21, 2009

12:21 bedroom

end of a weekend, dont really feel like writing much, but will review the past few days and maybe find myself in a full entry. Eating this weekend continued to be excessive, and I am ready to start fresh tomorrow. avatar on friday, beautiful and exciting. going to see it again next saturday at the imax :) sat alone in my car afterwards, the rain gently falling on my window, the bright parking lot light shinning through the rivulets and droplets. a sense of the mystical over came me and I cried slowly, but strongly, a conviction growing inside me to embrace life with all i have to give, however i can. i want to attend and i want to be present, moving through the moments. that mantra has helped me, and ive noticed myself using it over the past couple days. "I can't move past it, I have to move through this". It helps me focus and reclaim my consciousness and surroundings. Ive taken to observing whats around me, naming things as i see them, in my head. A long saturday morning, hiked with Luke to the falls in the early afternoon. Shower, nap, then prep for Christmas traditional dinner- botanical garden lights, Snowflake lane song and drummers, and italian feast at Maggianos. Delicious, but not completely holding onto my serenity. Exciting to go dancing. Meet up with C around 10:30 and head out about 45 minutes later, after a romp with my thigh highs and black boots still on. Great night, just felt like dancing and getting drunk. Awesome gay bar, good atmosphere, hot male dancers, and fun music. Image of C flinging his dreads as he works the pole ;) Very hung over this morning, its been a while. A good wake up call though. Ive moved past the need to drink and deal with hangovers on a regular basis. I would like to put compulsive eating behind me as well. Those physical hangovers are just as bad and the mental component even worse. I still feel like my body is recovering, a good sleep with be wonderful. Like A reminds me, think of things I am grateful for, everyday, as often as possible. Grateful for a warm and fun and understanding man in my life; grateful for friends to talk to and share with; grateful for a comfy bed. Grateful for the OA program which helps me work at being a better person, for myself, for others.

Friday, December 18, 2009

12:14 bedroom

a bit cool tonight, but warmer than last week. come back cold, make it snow! another day long but not awful. Finished up K's last secret santa display and felt happy to use my creative powers, and doing it for someone else's pleasure makes it even better. another day of eating outside of meals and snacks, and eating sugar. but we had a dessert exchange at work, and i can forgive myself for giving into sweets when they surround me. i could have decided not to take any home, but i thought I would be able to handle it. I was not. I ate them all and more. I knew I was eating compulsively and saddened by it, as I was avoiding watching a movie with my sister because I wanted to eat. But, with the grace of a higher power, I settled. I exercise, a short dvd, then a wonderful long stretch time, and a rinse. Felt good after the shower, feel alright, now. I feel myself at a beginning again, this is what it felt like at the beginning, discovering how it felt to stop eating compulsively, feeling the safety of meetings, the belonging. Feeling serenity, feeling myself. More aware of my body, which I feel is a miracle- my body and the feeling of it. i am grateful for a body that can move all its parts and give me such joy in its movement. I realize my body IS; it is not good or bad, it IS. It is only my perception that changes, my mental thought process, stemming from my mind. I need to quite my mind, let serenity move through like a soft dreamy wave, emptying channels and letting peace settle throughout and allowing clear, focused awareness to prevail.
dream, dream, dream.
the daily reader talked about feeling feelings today. at the end of the binge, i faced that i was trying to push something down, and i slightly let the feeling rise, but it was pain, and beyond that i couldn't tell, and the not knowing was painful too, so i went into the kitchen to get more food, but then jerry came back in the house from working outside, and i filled a mug with water instead. thank god. finished with an ice cream sandwich, like last night, and watched myself in the mirror as i ate it, which i think helps a lot. makes me face what im doing, and even enjoy the food for what it is. which i think helps too. brings back the focus to the present moment. the other daily reader also mentioned lashing out and not taking the time to think. this is what i do when i eat. I lash out and I use. i want to slow down, to garner and gather calmness to be able to face my feelings. i need to go ahead with step four and if I am to do this consistently and with dedication, i need a sponsor. I will be on the look out and actively peruse and be open to guidance.
night is drawing out, i should sleep, but i feel still quite awake. almost excited, a energy in my stomach, my core. also a bubbling of the intestine. as usual.
grateful for life, the life i have, the life i live, every breath, every moment. grateful for hope, for the hope of Love.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

11:47 bedroom

food not exact to eating plan, but a long day, and overall a good day. awoke to aubrey and lucas racing around the house, exasperation in her voice, fact in his. a feeling, an urge, like the night before to attend luke's orchestra concert, then denied, this time followed. drove them to the next stop on the bus route. chiro, long wait at planned parenthood for birth control, though it went by strangely fast. watching and listening to three young children play, reading from newsweek. to work, eat lunch, rush out on a fire DAT call. K interpreted Spanish, it sounded beautiful to me, so amazing to hear her switch from english to spanish to english in half a second. motivating actually, to start on my french teaching application. afternoon over, evening full of unexpect-ededs. locked my keys in my trunk, and got a call from the Surrey Police regarding someone I worked with in Vancouver. Bizarre, unsettling. Set off for my evening presentation, a bit lost, finally find it, then wait in silent amusement while they discussed a vote for a new policy on tricycle helmets. stumbled through the short presentation as it was interpreted in two other languages. again, languages. culture. differences, similarities. race back to the chapter to meet luke, who heroically brought me an extra key from home. drive to Dancechurch to meet R, and dance anger and stress away. wonderful, great beats and pulses, mine slowing and quickening to match the music. quick chat with amy on the drive home, eat my pre-made dinner (thank god), and also advent chocolates and an icecream bar. not perfect, but okay. tired now, might still read a little, bed. grateful for inexpensive entertainment and musical trance dance release. grateful for a space to feel me, to be me, without reservation or hesitation. Love.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

11:45...12:35 bedroom

I just wrote a very long blog post and accidently went back to the previous page, leaving the words to the mysterious nothingness of lost web space.
it is a shame, but i felt getting the words out helped anyway.
to recap:
a long day. frustrated, going through the motions, disconnected from myself. a long day dream about a battle with a large monster in dark armour that splits open to a figure in blinding white light with two swords who pierces me in the chest as she says "I am choice". Then points to two doorways, one shrouded in fog, "uncertainty" the other dark, set in stone, which i know leads to an empty blackness "you know leads to knowhere". A serious binge, talk with friends and family, exercise, more talking, shower, reading.
Ask not what you expect out of life, but what life expects out of you. Let go of the naievety of life's meaning having a finite purpose, an aim to which I can move towards. Instead, each moment has a purpose, a reason, a right action for me to take. Only I can live my joy, my suffering. Only I can be a sister, a daughter, a lover, a friend to those I know. Only I can do the work that I can do. My purpose is in living each moment, asking what life needs of me.
I feel i need to write, and hope that someday I my thoughts and ideas will spill from my pen in a coherence that allows others to connect and reflect and continue with what I have shaped. Grateful for family and friends to talk to and share with, for the annonymity of the web and its possibility of connecting with strangers who I will never meet, never know. grateful for a sense of humour and acceptance that the past is the past. Still need to move through my past some more, but that will come as I take action.
Hilarious. All that typing. Good practice I guess.
I pray to Love myself.

Monday, December 14, 2009

11:17 bedroom

breath. in my room, my own little space, my own little world. surrounded by smiling faces and memories and color and pattern and texture, smooth and rough and soft and hard and scratchy. over ate tonight, felt the itch during meeting, and on the way home. which, now I know, whenever I get the itch, unless I take every possible means to move through it, it will not pass. or i will not pass past it. call someone, wait and talk to a higher power, reach out to a guiding spirit, reach in to myself and my inner self, have a cup of tea, jump in the shower. the itch cannot be stopped, it must be moved. i must move through it. feel saddened but it has happened and it is done. the moment is now and i am me and i am worthy and beautiful and i like myself just the way i am. good commentary and thoughts tonight in meeting. a great share, so fluid a story and so chock full of truth and honesty and good ideas. B had a great share too, a smart phrase, cant remember exactly what she said now. Surrender. Surrendering to the truth. The truth of the illness, that it is a disease that I will have for the rest of my life. But a disease that I do not have to suffer from. One I can learn from and use for my spirit to grow brighter than ever before. I feel present, but blocked from my soul. My emotions are here, but I can't really name them, or their source. The Steps are calling my name, Step Four is waiting on my doorstep, patiently, but with an unwavering stare.
the past, my past, is coming back, picture by picture, memory by memory, page by page of old journals. it surrounds me, beckoning me in, to search it, to leaf through it, to find meaning in it, to find answers. its alive, breaths and whispers filling the air, gently pressing against me, pushing open up, and to seek what i would find. answers.
stretching, breathing, calming, being. so present, its hard for me to remember the day. gray, drizzly, more busy than usual, the start of secret santa; tea and a granola bar on my desk. grocery shopping for gifts and searching for poems for K. amusing, entertaining, fun :) tyring to please someone else, truly please them, find something that they find solace and meaning in. fruit and vegetables for nourishment, a poem for thinking.
grateful for a laptop. grateful for an inviting bed. grateful for tape. grateful for OA. I pray for the strength to cultivate my honesty and empathy and compassion. im feeling strange difficulties with S. I think its because I feel like I should be doing the work she is, but she is accepting it, so I let her have it. Feeling all the while that it is my load.
Trust the universe. Pray for Love. Nurture love inside.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

11:35 bedroom

Feel a push to check in. So I write, a few words. The last week has been haywire and wild as far as a normal pattern of eating goes, or lack of one. But today I had a holiday party and it felt great, truly laughing and just letting one moment carry itself into the next, not controlling to much, or expecting perfection, but guiding the events and letting the day be guided by the mood. Tired at the end, ready for people to pack up and head out on the snowy roads, but wasn't ready for C's unexpected departure or my unexpected sad mood after everyone, and especially the boy, left. Started tidying, then continued, through a mood that would normally equate to sitting and scarfing the leftovers. But I packaged and cleaned and didn't sit down to eat a plate until everything was done. Sat on the couch with my beer for a little before that, feeling present, feeling lonely. Called to see when the family would return from their outing, then felt the need to eat before they got home. Slow to hectic eating, then lots of candy, then stop. Though the desire didn't. A slight need followed me through the hours, but aubrey and tree decorations and lucas and music held it at bay. grateful for that. grateful to have been able to have moved through the emotions, through the feelings. negative thinking, isolationist ideas. not meeting amy for dinner tomorrow, not going to the meeting, not wanting to go to work, not caring. terrible, murky thoughts. but, wow really grateful, i made some paper airplanes and uploaded cd's and took pictures of the cat and laughed with mum and sat on the couch for a while, and then brushed my teeth. there really is a lot of time in a day, in an evening, when it is not consumed by preoccupation and obsession with food. or anything, i guess. time for sleep, we shall see how swiftly it comes. read a bit, an overdue library book. put more photos up around my room and they make me smile. its good to reconnect with our memories. reminders of good times, smiles and laughs, encouragement to seek out more. to hope for, to pray for. Love. To be given and to give. grateful for this day. no perfect, hardly, but real.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

11:40 bedroom

2nd night of old bad habits. tonight, extreme. old binge foods and directly distractive reading.
head feels like its floating in vanilla ice cream- sickly sugary and light.
frustrated. sad.
but knowing. how to turn this around. but feeling resentful and apathetic.
please, i cry for help again. for the strength to move through this. for the courage to take right action. for the determination and fortitude to move past...strange reservation and hesitation.
memory of a feeling of glasgow.
talked to dad tonight. report about S came out, pilot negligence. sad, an empty sadness, a sadness for lost things, about death.
i could die any moment. and in this moment, i might even welcome the peace. but every bit outside this moment of post-binge cynicism, i want to live. to love. to find peace, to serve, to spread love, to help others find peace. serenity.
grateful for people to talk to.
frustrated. sad.
but know how to turn it around. talking. sharing. meeting. writing.
please help me God, whatever you are, where ever you are.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

12:34 bedroom

We must not give only what we have; we must give what we are.
- Cardinal Mercia
I am who I am, I am what I am, and no one can take me away from me. Except maybe myself. But really, no one can extinguish that inner flame of being, I wonder sometimes, think sometimes, it may even go beyond death of the body. It can be buried, under anger, under despair, under apathy- but that piece of the universe that glows inside, i like to believe it burns for eternity. And when we die, it floats back out into space and takes on a new meaning, a new purpose. But for now, in us, in me, it is my destiny, to find that ember, warm my hands on it, and nurture it, o that it can nurture and guide me. A sharing with the universe, starting with myself, the smallest piece, inside me.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you'll know exactly what to do.
- Michelle Ventor
Hm, but it may take a season or a lifetime to figure this out. I will let go of control and let guidance come as the moments are good. But I will also work to keep myself open and listening, taking action.

"practicing living “as if” the love of your life is already with you"
I like this. Live as if you are living the life you dream. You might surprise yourself and find one day not too far away, your dream is your life.
Reading more of Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. Some passages today caught my attention.
"I did not know what the following days would bring, but I had gained an inward peace that I had never experienced before." (58-59)
I pray for spiritual enlightenment, spiritual solace, spiritual freedom. I pray to embrace humility and compassion and love to serve and nurture life, in myself, in the earth, in other creatures.
"...everything can be taken from a (wo)man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." (66)
Attitude is so huge, I see examples in my life everyday of how attitude changes the whole situation. Not letting other people's wants or opinions or behaviors affect my attitude. My response is my own. My feelings are my own. I dont have to take care of everyone- I am willing to trust in higher powers, in a Guiding Force to help me find meaning and purpose, and I am willing to believe these same powers will take care of others, will help them take care of themselves.
"Regarding our 'provisional life' as unreal was in itself an important factor in causing the prisoners to lose their hold on life; everything in a way became pointless. Such people forgot that often it is just such an exceptionally difficult external situation which gives (hu)man the opportunity to grow spiritually beyond [him]self. Instead of taking the camp's difficulties as a test of their inner strength, they did not take their life seriously and despised it as something of no consequence. They preferred to close their eyes and live in the past. Life for such people became meaningless." (72)
Oh I felt this. That life was meaningless. And so it became meaningless, because that is what I believed. I turned away from the present, because it was painful and i was fearful of all the uncertainty the future held. The past, in my case the very far distant past, was an escape, a refuge. So because I turned away from the magic of the Now moment, my life became meaningless, with no direction. I am grateful to be aware now of the magic in a moment. Of the weight a change in perception can make. Of seeing the same piece of wall in a different light, with new eyes. And how that perception makes all the difference.
" reality, there was an opportunity and a challenge. One could make a victory of those experiences,turning life into an inner triumph, or one could ignore the challenge and simply vegetate, as did a majority of the prisoners." (72)
I accept the challenge. Of learning to focus, learning to let go. Of growing faith and trust in something greater than myself, and willing to believe in Good and Love.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

12:30 bedroom

The real test comes when you lose.

- Dick Vermeil

extended belly and unquenchable thirst from a binge. a while since this has happened, grateful for that. A loving evening with C, a bittersweet parting. Talked with him about my frustration of wanting to like him but unwillingness to face the sadness that will come with his imminent departure. I sound like a wilting flower. But i hate dealing with the...feeling of abandonment. But- its all attitude. We are all dying. We are living until we die. Its all the way you look at it. Yes, I will someday die. Should I stop living because of it. Yes, he will leave soon. Does that mean I should stop myself from loving him? Enjoying the time now? I suppose not. But it sounds nicer on paper than it does feeling your infatuation broken in 100 pieces. I will take this as a lesson. In letting go, in trying to listen to the voice of a higher power, a guiding spirit. To see if I can truly live in the moment, and not obsess outside of it. To enjoy my time with C when I am with him, and to not muse or stew over it when we are on our own paths. I think this is a good idea.
I think tonight's binge was also brought on by nervousness on the part of my webcam chat with Beau. I worked myself into a cynical, flat, pleasing paradie, and chatted about nothing for an hour. Which, if I hadn't eaten, I think I would have enjoyed much more, and been able to feel the conversation out to greater depths. Resumed eating after the talk, a last attempt to hide from myself. Midnight chimed and i wearily but thankfully turned off who-knows-what movie i was watching, rose from the chair, and went about preparing for bed.
Now is now. I am sorry I overate, but I feel this is a reminder I need to work the program or get worked over by this sickness. I need to feed my spirit or my illness will feed on me. I feel tonight's meeting would have been good. Muting Aimee's phone call was a huge alarm, one that I acknowledged, then plowed through.
Tired, thinking of skipping breakfast. That will not help me. But I ate nuts tonight, which always makes me feel terrible in the morning. Eating nuts makes me feel unbalanced in body and soul.
A beautiful day today, cold and clear and bright. A nice afternoon walk, present and aware. A connection with Amy, sharing our backgrounds and receiving feedback after. She is a smart lady, for all her rule following ;)
A vivid dream last night, about birthing a baby and caring for it. Robbie, a beautiful baby. Breastfed and felt it, can remember the feeling. Laughed about it at lunch, then laughed again at the "Congratulations Happy Birthday" card on my desk, good wishes for "Robbie".
I am going to do a little bit of writing work, then go to sleep. The energy from the food is keeping my heavy eyelids open, so I might as well use this time for good. Grateful for friends, to lean on, to learn from (talks with T), to laugh with. I pray for the strength to grow compassion and humility. I pray for the courage to listen to the inner, guiding voice inside me. Please, I pray for strength and courage to walk through my fears, and for faith to put my trust in a higher power, that has a plan, that has a purpose, for me. There is a plan, there is a purpose. I pray for clarity, for focus, for the strength to carry on with that awareness, to feel my feelings through, happy and sad. Grateful for a warm bed.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

11:05 bedroom

aware. of blinking cursor. tired. a different kind of tired. an aware tired. slow breathing. sore neck, tight back. a weekend away. moments of splendor, of understanding. collapsing in the snow in the gladed run, staring up at the sky, at the way it seemed as if it was right above me, and i could feel the earth moving, see the spinning of the tree tops as the clouds passed by. a feeling of being, of being on the earth, laying on the earth, connected to the earth as it spun through space. thick blue sky, dark green evergreens, white hazy clouds, cold grainy snow. swaying on the lift in the cold, unforgiving wind, the cold wind that makes me feel alive. the trees are moving, are dancing, are talking. i feel them. my eyes wide, my mouth open. does my mouth always have to be open when i feel this way? closed; the awareness is still there. talking and laughing and stretching with T. involved and engaged but not completely present, still slightly guarded. a nap, a wonderful nap. and then a departure, from the past. kiss and a hug goodbye to T, drive down to Squamish to stay with the cousin and her husband and new baby. More myself than I have ever been with them, but still not completely comfortable. Especailly when R appeared, with a late night snack for craving new mother. Young, assured, so seemingly confident. It made me retreat, slightly. Before all this, a walk over frozen ground and leaves in the woods, baggy sweatpants, snowboots and bounding Raskal. A nice drive up to Vancouver, no wait at the border. An unexpectedly fast purchase and pick up of my transcript from UBC then an unexpected delay, waiting for C. A relaxed evening with her and her friends, Christmas movies and cookies. A decision to meet with T and drive up to Whistler that night, despite the late hour. A cup of tea at T's downtown studio, with the sliding glass window between the bathroom and kitchen/livingroom. Chat and laugh and depart. Battery about to die. Grateful for sleep. and friends. and love. continue this tomorrow...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

11:43 living room

tired, still kicking the last of the cold away. A small frenzy after dinner, crackers and chocolate and sucker. But realized over eating would not lead me to a happy place, and happily I stopped and moved on with the rest of my night, returning calls and showering and feeling good. A little uncertain for what the weekend will bring, but the day can be shaped by my attitude and my attitude is the one thing I have control over. Play is more fun and meaningful when followed by work and accomplishment. Relaxing is more enjoyable when following activity and physical movement or exercise. Balance is the key to serenity. Off with C last night, realizing I like him more than I was hoping to, but came to a more stable place today, realizing I can like him, I just need to stay connected to myself and honest about where my actions and emotions will lead me. And how to avoid pitfalls. I'm out of town for the weekend, and its long distance to use my phone, so I think it will be a good chance for me to take a breath and pull back from the physical intimacy, which tends to squeeze my heart until the rivers of my thoughts are flooded with 'love'; and cloud my spirit in sheer silky curtains. Tired. Strange sleep for the past two nights, restless. Today was a good day, sunny and cold and a museum visit after work with many friends. Grateful for a warm lit house, for a younger brother and a younger sister, who teach me so much about sharing, forgiveness and letting go.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

9:42 living room

2nd day of abstinence.
stuffy head cold, left work early, but did errands in the afternoon sunshine. home to put more photos up around my room, watch half of a Merlin episode with Luke, then go nap. Rouse myself and do billing, then enjoy soup and bread and sweet potato, and stop. Low key exercise to Belly Dance DVD, wonderful brief stretching, finish Merlin with Luke, Facebook photo update. Feeling relaxed and a bit high from ThermaFlu. Have to put my winter tires in the car for tomorrow, but think i'll save that for the morning. Shower. Grateful for this family, frustrating and insightful and helpful and loving. Not grateful for cats who poop in my bathroom.

Monday, November 30, 2009

11:23 living room

i need to get to bed.
but it was a really good day. happy. =fulfilling: connected, accomplished, loved and loving. And not obsessing about food. It was present, but a good present. A great meeting, lots of emotions and empathy and looking back and looking forward and being realistic. The compulsion is like having headphones in, the speaker explained. Insanity is when its a blaring that isolates you from everything else. The program helps you turn downt the volume. Yes, another share continued the image, but I have to remember, even when they are hanging around my shoulders, that they are hanging around my shoulders. I will always have these headphones with me, I can't ever forget that. The program helps me practice recovery, she said, so that when i really need help, its a lot easier to use the tools, because i've conditioned myself to turn to them, rather than food. You can't go past it, B said, rubbing her eyes, you have to go through it. Through the fire, my step-dad agrees.
Today was a good day and I can hang on to it for what it was. I pray to remain focused though, and present, and not let one good day take me away from my reality, my headphones. Helping the bro on his college application. A valiant effort but not enough to make the difference for years worth of slack. Just like one day isn't going to brush away years worth of spiritual yearning and mental unbalance.
Time. Time, time, time.
Grateful for fellowship. Grateful for solitude. I pray to nurture my humility and compassion. I pray for the strength and courage to dedicate to program. To commit to spiritual recovery. To look my fear in the face, and walk past it. Grateful for electricity.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

8:32 living room

Wonder if this is the earliest post yet. Tiiired. Great afternoon of laser tag and big mechanical swing and bumber boats and arcade games. After wonderful lunch and lovelmaking with the boy. Very lifted and blissful after, felt so right tucked against him. Chin on his ribs, fingers playing with his curly chest hair, it was very present, very moment-ous.
Feel good now. Had a reasonable dinner. And some wine. Mum talked with me at the end, and I finished. Stopped eating. A bit of a push, but 'this too shall pass' ran through my head, and I became excited and relaxed at the thought of washing my hair, a hot shower.
Let myself be what it felt to be. It seems to work, I think I will continue this. And connecting. Reaching out. And reading. Reaching in.
Grateful for a sister and brother to help put up christmas decorations.

12:21 am

(last night, i wrote:
my stomach is itchy and my nipples are painfully tight. i had nuts tonight, the top food I should not eat. But they were here, around me all day. I think i did well until them. I ate a large dinner early but then brushed my teeth. Watching a movie tonight, i was hungry around 10:30, late to be eating, but I had an apple and peanut butter and was satisfied. Except for those damn nuts. So i had some grapes instead. But then finally caved to the plastic bucket, WHEN MY MOTHER AND STEPDAD had left. But I did well the rest of the day, eating breakfast and snack and lunch and stopping.
But I ignored two calls from A. I finally printed some pictures out at costco, of friends and me. But i think its a bit hypocritical to savour the static memories of film and leave real (present moment) connections unheeded. Fog tonight, a bright moon. A cold night, no cloud cover.
I wish I had not over eaten at dinner so I wouldn't feel compelled to not eat the rest of the night. I wish I hadn't eaten those nuts and grapes. But wishful thinking of the past will only let more present moments pass by and be wished for again.
Today was an odd day, but tomorrow is a new day. Another day. I pray to capture magic. To find it in the world, in myself. Grateful for imagination in its many forms. Watched Hellboy II tonight, amazing costume and makeup. And fantastical storyline. Half Pan's Laybrinth, half Lord of the Rings. Great :) Truly, I wish to be a warrior. A peaceful one if it may happen. I know I have a long way to go. And maybe a teacher. A teacher I seek...)
Tonight, I write:
Fibrously bubbly and waterly bloated from who knows what, during babysitting tonight. But...but. I feel present. Aware that my attitude is what counts. Just starting to read the forward to Victor Frankl's "Search for Meaning". Sounds fascinating. We cant change our circumstances but we can always control our response to our surroundings. And that life isn't inherently a search for pleasure, but for meaning. Amen. Now how to cut the restraints of the illness and walk free in that search. I can't control that I have this sickness. But I can control my response. Which, rationally, would be to seek spiritual solace and consular guidance. Individually or in group. I am on the journey of recovery. Please, I pray for the strength to look around me and listen to the voices of the spirits rather than just stumbling along looking at my feet. A talk with A, not exactly present, but it was what it needed to be. I would that i could hold onto this present focus. This feeling of being Here. Come to a point where the focus is total, complete. I hope, someday.
Hope. Blooming eternal. Even when all the petals fall, the wick is still green. I forgive myself tonight, and I am grateful for feeling that a positive attitude can make all the difference. Tired. Grateful for a sturdy house.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

11:01 computer room

A good day, but feel distanced from my inner-self. Feeling like a child or trying to not feel like a child, but never quite finding the balance in between. I guess I can be thankful for feeling young because this will definitely be of benefit in later years ;) Combing through papers on my desk and floor, I found one sheet from the art walk I went to at the beginning of this month. Ross Sawyers "Contained Within". His photographs were striking, almost like paintings. Constructed rooms, empty mostly (one has a lonely pile of sawdust in one corner), except for billowing plastic, that look like ethereal spirits, around the glowing windows, that seem to hold either epiphany or Apocalypse behind them. Its description is pulling, i feel riveted by what it wants to convey: "The intensity and quality of the raking light take hold and pulls us into a world where nothing seems right. Each space appears solid, but its edges are too sharp and thin. There is little distance between inside and outside, locating a nuanced threat just beyond these rooms." I feel this now. In a place of transition, where things are uncertain. I feel fake; not deliberately, but like im trying to hold something together that Im not really sure what it looked like to start with. Clasping a jumble of blocks together with my hands, but knowing they don't belong like this. Knowing I have to let them all fall, and then begin to assemble the structure. I feel like i am transparent; and in contrast, im afraid to look inside, but i want the inside to burst out of this paper thin mold. Not angry; a little frustrated; uncertain. I think its time to delve more. To try to reach inside, to connect with a Higher Power by going deeper inward.
There is a quote about treatment and expectations of others. Treat them low and they will live up to your standards. Treat them as if they were capable and good, and they will reach up to the best they can be. I like the concept. But its difficult to follow, especially when annoyed with the other person. My sister picks me to no end. And I get angry and upset and I let my frustration show. Frustration with her disrespect, with her irreverence, with her moodiness. But she is a human being all her own. I cannot control anything of her. I can show her love and try to live the best I can and if my values resound with her then she can follow them too, in her own way. We are different. And this is a very good thing. But sometimes its hardest to accept differences within your own family, especially in the immediate circle. I want the best for her, but is my concern selfish? I think it is truly wrong how she displays her disregard for other's ideas and opinions so strongly. But I think that is also learned. I actually cried from the look on my step-dad's face today when he reacted to a statement of mine. It was pure disgust and contempt. He later apologized, but its incredible to me how in our own home, to our own sisters and brothers and mothers and fathers and daughters and sons, we can be the most cruel.
But I am still every thankful for my family, for the lessons they teach me and the opportunities we give each other to grow and learn. I pray for the strength to grow patience and humility with everyone in this house, including myself. Today was not perfect, but it wasn't bad. And like A mentioned, OA teaches us that perfection isn't what we seek. We seek serenity. A place in this world where we give and receive love and compassion. Where I live in the moment, and my life is made up of moments. Where I am thankful and grateful for the breath of my body and the joy of being alive. Of simply being alive. For the chances and the choices that life gives, if we are open to them.

12:16 bedroom

There is a poem, by Shel Silverstein, called "Boa Constrictor" about a man being eaten by a Boa and explaining the situation as it progresses until "Oh dread, it's upmmmmmmmmmmmmfffffff." and he's eaten up to his head.
Knowledge, without right action, can be useless. Something that can be conveyed in a children's poem.
A binge tonight. An exciting, but hectic, run around of errands after leaving early from news reading and web browsing at work. Snow gear sale rummaging with Luke and pictures at costco and yarn and needles and Michaels and groceries at Safeway. Started out not bad at home, but I didn't have a plan for dinner, and I didn't take the time to truly relax, and that made the difference. Watched a tv show i really don't find that complex or engaging, but its distracting enough when married with carbs and sugar. Decided to do a small exercise after, and felt calmer after stretching. Tired now, but felt I should put some words down.
Grateful for many things, but especially now, for the right to sleep and rest. Some don't have the privlage of this simple pleasure. Love to the world.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

11:30 bedroom

Now it is my turn for words. What will I shape, what will spin from my fingers. A tapestry of color and texture, smooth or rough, hemmed or loose ended. An idea, a dream of a stone house. But that dream seems closer than I ever thought it could be. I can hold it in my hands, here, in a wooden house, with large grass swathes, hemmed by woods, sloped and curved and straightened. With a swing and a firepit and a forest path. Here, I can begin to give my dreams substance and shape. It feels right, being home, now. I'm not sure of the time after this work period, but Now feels Right. And this I can attribute to 12 steps being taken slowly, but with the support of those around me. Who, as I reach out to them, keep me firmly on the ladder. Who, as I let myself care about them, unknowningly are a force of love pushing me on to the next level of recovery, of Life. Because thats what it feels like. Grasping a hold on the bright and the dark of light, for longer periods of time, rather than just snatches between the fog. I must have both. TOnight, a wave of empathetic pain for my mother, understanding the pain of a mother, but accepting it from the understanding of her child, as the way it is. My brother, with his wonderful coherent words on his views. Views that my mother lived through, that I lived through, that we both understood to only bring us pain. But that she wants to stop at all cost, to help him avoid that pain. But that I understand he has to hold, and maybe continue to hold, for he is his own being, seperate from my mother and I, in order to continue on his own journey. Same with the sister. I cannot make her life easier, I cannot take away the challenges and pain she will face in growing up, anymore than I can take away the pains of my past, or the pain I know will come in my future. I can only hold on to this moment, this moment of breath, this breath, and be grateful for the joys that it holds. Beyond all pain. There is always joy. Joy in the breath itself. This is a hard concept to hold onto, especially when in the throws of confusion and fear. But I think that practicing gratitude and appreciation of joy can help one through the dark. And help one realize that the dark isn't any more real than you make it. Nothing is real. Reality is a figment. Maybe. Nothing is certain. But I am becoming aware that there is a way to serenity, that serenity does exist, and one can share it. Through love. Through compassion. Through letting go. Grateful for the space freed by not overeating, to connect and engage and reflect. In otherwords- to Live.

Monday, November 23, 2009

11:18 living room

An unexpectedly calm night. sitting sideways in the rocking recliner, clean and wrapped in a blue robe. a while of wide eyed staring wonder of pictures from last year's burning man. i really had no idea, really, how bleak, how magnificent, how other worldly it really is. a challenge, an escape. thats how i feel about it now.
a great day. bones cracked in the morning, then lots of connection at work. Supervisor back and weekend events shared with co-workers. Tasks completed. I feel good about what I did today, what I accomplished. It was simple, it was normal, but it feels great. A short meeting with Ruthie, who was a bit calmly agitated (that mode where you are irked but are suppressing it) and scattered as usual. Power shut off but I managed to heat up my microwave dinner in a pot on the gas stove. Survival. Could I survive Burning Man? Yes. Could I survive it well? Depends on preperation. And attitude. Knowledge and right action.
If you bring forth what is within you
what you bring forth will save you
If you do not bring forth what is within you
what you do not bring forth will destroy you
jesus christ
gospel of thomas
The speaker at tonight's meeting shared her story slowly and without great detail. But it was still powerful. Her poem at the end was raw and ripe with delightful metaphors and phrases. I will ask her to email it to me, if she doesn't mind. I would like to read it again. Sometimes, usually, I need to read things to really internalize them. Thats my trouble with languages. I see them before I hear them. I get caught up in the details, rather than the basic objective, the purpose. The spelling of the conjugation rather than the sound.
Where will my life lead me? I have a purpose and I will do what I can. To fill my spirit and to share the love I find.
Grateful for an abstinent night. For its clarity. For its space. For the magic I feel everything is a screen and I just have to peel back this top layer to see the essence underneath. Right now, its black and neon and flashy and soft and brilliant in my mind. But who knows, who knows. And it could change all the time. As we do.
Grateful for peace tonight. With myself. With my world.

12:12 am

Please, God - Greater Powers - Forces and spirits of the Earth and Universe - Inner Spirit, Inner Light and Darkness -
help me overcome this illness.
help me find solace for my spiritual confusion and fear.
help me find serenity
help me find balance.
help me build patience and humility.
help me draw on the courage and love of the spiritual universe.
I am grateful for hope. Hope for something Good. Something good out there, in my future, in my present. Something that is waiting for me.
Hope for strength.
To stop hurting myself.
I am grateful for the wonders and opportunities of my life. Please, God, help me find courage and strength and patience and humility to work with them to create Good. To find and share Love. And come to a point of acceptance of my Life.
Do what feel right, now. Take joy in small moments, but keep your eyes lifted ahead. Open, clear and alert. Listen. Love. Be heard. Share.
I spent last night with C. Too much groping at the show, and the music itself was too loud and punk. Entertaining, but I couldn't really get into it. Then we walked around for a while after, him repeating himself and attention seeking. On my nerves, but I was enough bemused to not really address it. He was too drunk to talk to anyway. A slightly cold drive to the house he was dog sitting at, and a rally in the hot-tub, im sure to the delight of his neighbors; hopefully the jets were loud enough. An exhausted sleep and slow wake up, but an unexpectedly bursting orgasm. Dress, back to his place for lunch. Very tired. Talked a little about Shaun, not sure why, but it felt right. Burned a CD, YouTube videos of dogs and spongebob and pugs. Laughed, but tired. Skipped a Thanksgiving party, though I think I would have enjoyed it if I went. Home and binge. Though I called A first. But still went right into it. Overdrive. Then break, to town for recycling and groceries. Then back to dinner. Then pie at the neighbors. Both nice. But then a late night binge. Started with an orange. Then more, then bread, crackers, typical sugars and carbs. Then candy. Watching a documentary called "Deliver us from evil" about the Catholic church's cover up of pedagogy pedophilia. Stopped eating, finally. Sunken. Sadness, the soul tumbling like my shoes in the dryer, banging against my walls. The tears come, reaching into the eyes of my reflection for truth, for answer. For strength. For hope. Please, help me overcome this illness, help me find spiritual solace.
Now anger, starting to heat. But anger will get nothing. It feels good for the moment. But so does bingeing.
Its you, God. Earth. Universe. Powers. Forces. Force. I reach out. For guidance. For courage. For strength. For humility. For love. Love.

Friday, November 20, 2009

11:48 living room

a unfurling of anger, a resurgence. a two-binge afternoon and night, intermixed with true problem solving and social interaction. a short catch up with claire.
two sessions. maybe a wake up call to heed the inner voice inside when it beckons. to not let the light flicker with my ignorance. I need some space. To breath. to think. to come again to my inner self. I need meetings for perspective. Steps for action. Together 'inspiration and applied knowledge'. Success according to Jay Kordich, juice master. Borrowed his book from the library a month ago, and just started flipping through it tonight, two days after its due date has passed. Interesting. But then my sister walked into the room with a bag full of licorice. And I ate some. Then some quiche. Then a bag of graham crackers. Etc. Following a long extended afternoon over eating binge. Truly a binge, a hasty, bordering on frantic, stuffing food into my mouth, food I don't even like, food I would rather not eat. Cat one to the vet. Having litter box issues because she is stressed out by Cat two. So says vet. I just want her to stop pooping in my bathroom. Fixing the broken window and cleaning out my car tonight I realized that the thief had actually thieved- a pair of sunglasses and my expensive prescription sunglasses were gone. One out of the case, the other case and all. Angry. But mum mentioned she might still be able to get me on her coverage, now that she has a job again. Yay for being tied even snugger to the parents. Which Im not so sure why I think is such a bad thing. Something I blame for overeating. Could be a frustration of lack of control. But I think thats all mental. Mum mentioned a few times lately how my sharp reactions to her opinions are because I feel like she is judging me. Which is true. But just like I put meaning into Jerry's steps when he's in the kitchen, so do I put meaning into the implications of my mum's words. They are words. I give them shading. And I take them defensively because Im judging myself through her. Making excuses and false convictions for what im really not sure about. I think thats the kicker. She brings to light my uncertainty when I am uncertain. Talked a bit to A tonight, but it felt a bit flat. She was super perky as usual, and I generally feel cynical after overeating.
Tomorrow, today, is another day. Perspective, God, please grant me perspective. Creative spirit, that lives in everything, including me, please help me find some meaning in action. In work. In play. I need a hobby. Something to occupy my time. Exercising is fun, but its losing its appeal as a pastime. I wish for serenity. I wish for something to show for the many hours of leisure I have. Besides circles under my eyes. Besides ranting blog entries.
Grateful for OA. Grateful for different perspectives. Grateful for difference.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

11:27 living room

a full two days.
re-living shambhala in my mind. man, that dreamy place has a hold on my heart and imagination. Shook and swirled and shimmied in a place called 'Dancechurch' last night, with R from work. A non descript door with a home computer printed sign identifying it at the right place, a hesitant turn and push, then a lit smile grin at the wonderful surprise waiting inside. A room of freedom, of dance, of sweat, of tea, of two children running around, of serious bass and psychedelic light and art design. Welcome to the Transcendental Church of Bass. Sat down with a cup of chai for a while and tried to small talk over the pounding dub line, but eventually quieted and then not too long after stood up from the cushion and paced a few steps out on the polished cement floor. A loosening, a lifting of the ego. The body- thick and tight, then smooth and fluid. A ball of energy morphing with the circles of energy around you, all merging to become one collective pool of energy swirling around the room; you can feel it with the palms of your hand, push it around, play with it. Sweat drips off the tips of my tangled hair. One guy in flaming pants with silver sequins around the bottom, another looks like he just got done at the office. Someone in a golf sweater, someone in a little black dress and hooker boots, swaying hips with a secret but full smile on her face. A guy all in dark, with a hat, who i share casual glances with. But im lost in my own world. Of rubbery arms and pounding feet and head circles and inner laughter. at this freedom. no drugs. no booze. no thoughts. just...freedom. behind me the the muscle bound slim blond gleams in the low lights, sweat covering his torso. Another woman covers her head in a loose woven red scarf swaying. I could go on. and on. So many wonderful people. Sharing their passion with each other, through movement.
For a few hours, I feel lifted, I feel home.
Afterwards my mind felt risen, and I experienced the rise and fall and tightness of euphoria. Went over to the boys and had an interesting attempt at love making. A lovely rinse in the shower, then a relaxed cuddle into sleep. Walked out the next morning to broken glass around my car and a soaked seat. A moment of stun, then cynicism, then disbelief then reservation and determination. Other emotions followed throughout the day, frustration, tears, and anger. But through it all, I realized I wasn't angry at the person who did it. I was angry THAT they did it, but who they were wasn't my concern. I hope they soon come to a place where they don't have to break into people's cars to find money. And that soon after that they come to a place where they can face and atone for their mistakes. Much like I hope for myself. That soon I come to a place where I dont have to break my spirit to find a semblance of 'contentment'. At once I've had a piece of true serenity and understanding, I can face my past mistakes and ask for forgiveness and release and then move on in a positive direction.
I reached out today, to many people, and I am so thankful for this miracle. A long talk with Amy, a true heartfelt conversation. Listening and wanting to share. Maybe a bit too much, interrupted some. Knees aching a bit.
My car was broken into, but there are so many things I have to be grateful for, that I am grateful for because of this. Grateful for the support system I have. For empathy of friends and family. For options. For the fact that my purse was in the trunk. That nothing was stolen. It is a annoyance. My windows will be uneven, because now the replacement wont be tinted. But I think this break of the window was a needed break to my vanity. I still have a car to get me around. This will set me back some money, but I still have dollars left in the bank. I don't have to worry about not being able to afford next week's groceries. Or heating bill.
Thanks for the blessings of my life. But thanks also for the challenges. That help me remember the blessings.
peaceful and brave wishes out to the person who i feel hurt by. I hope they come into the means for change and find the strength in themselves to embrace it.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

10:58 game room

its been a long evening. Just a handful of minutes ago I was about to play Wii with my brother when he realized the TV was missing from our rec room. A confrontation with our younger sister, an explosion of anger and frustration, a clenching of my stomach and a tightening of my head.
But I let it go. I thought, "I cant control her; her emotions, her anger. I cant control his frustration". But i can NOT react to it. I took a few deep slow breaths, walked around the house a bit trying to find the tv (something I could solve), and when I couldn't find it, sat back down to what I was doing. A few more slow breaths. And the tightening loosened. And I am grateful. Many moments of gratitude today. Stopping overeating after dinner. Annoyed by Jerry 'hovering' around my space and the kitchen, 'looking for snacks'. So I grabbed my toothbrush because it was something i could control. But then i realized that what i thought he was doing, was just my projected anxiety onto the situation. He could have been looking for a screwdriver, or getting his thoughts together. I was giving him actions that he wasn't doing. Judging without real examination. Grateful for A, my partner in recovery, and the consistant contact I have with her throughout the day. Grateful for her outreach to me. Grateful for understanding, my attitude is my choice. THAT is what I am responsible for. Mum read me a short piece from a book she is reading, as I curled under the cover on the toasty heating blanket on her bed. About insanity and sanity. The former being doing something over and over again and expecting to get different results. The latter being...cant remember the full phrase, but something about trying new things. A refreshing walk at lunch with K and R, the short loop around the park. And a sampling of the berries i love the look of so much. Disbelief at first when R popped one in his mouth, katie and i wide eyed, thinking he would drop in convulsions. But he smiled and said he ate them all the time, and wasn't he still alive? Hesitated and cupped one of the strange fruits in my hand until we arrived back at the building then finally nibbled at its squishy yellow flesh. Surprisingly sweet and a bit tangy. He sent me the wiki article on it not long after we were inside. Strawberry tree they are called. And the fruits are quite edible. Funny how we take risks like that. But R being one of the most low-risk people I know, it wasn't really that worrisome ;) Thinking about the time I had the panic attack in the weeds, swimming with R...
full day tomorrow. feel like i could write more, but am going to do a little more of step four, then try to sleep. a very intense dream last night, real, about a beach camp. woke up, then continued dreaming when i went back to sleep. S was in it and ectasy was involved and when i woke up the first time, i felt eupohoric. it was...surprising and a bit amazing.
Grateful for shelter.

12:06 bedroom

sleepy. which is very nice.
a long day traveling for work, including a late afternoon DAT call to a house suspected of fraud. A brief scan of work emails and then scurry over to the boy's house. Through the door, begin to check my email while I wait for him. A bit off for the evening, not sharp on my game. I know because, for the first half, I was contemplating the time I needed to leave to catch the end of the meeting I was going to go to. I was going to. Before his text saying he would be home relatively early (for his work schedule) and would i like to come over for fajitas. Which I did, want to, and do. A delicious, lovely meal, small talk while he did his laundry, youtube videos and james brown. Then a love making session that was shy an yet instinctual. In my 'off' state, but letting myself be carried away by the situation. *small shiver*. Giddy wrestling and soft chatting. But I needed to go home, because I didn't have anything for the night or next day. Which, I have to acknowledge, is something to be grateful for. That I understood I needed to leave, and I did. I couldn't say that for earlier about the meeting, but 1 out of 2 aint bad ;) Felt the facial expression's of the boy on my face during the drive home. His voice in my head, his impression on my psyche. Still a bit of residual aura around me.
"I would rather have roses on my table, than diamonds on my neck" -Emma Goldman
My hair smells like carmalized onions.
I need to work the 12 steps, be in meetings, practice connections. These are going to be the tools of my healing, the way of my recovery of a spiritual illness. A malady of deficiency. These will help me understand and overcome. These will help me let go and open myself to the wisdom of the universe. To be able to be guided by Love.
I am willing. I am grateful for today's abstinence. I am grateful for fellows. I am grateful for the moments of knowing and feeling and being true to myself. Grateful to be sleeping with myself tonight.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

11:09 game room

Feeling lonely tonight. A gaping hole in my chest, a black vortex, sucking myself into it. A feeling of sadness, mild despair. Yes, and; my body is a part of me, but it is not all of me. It may be hurting, but that doesn't dictate that the rest of me has to shut down. I can still reach out, I can still reach in. Frustrated with the overall scope of my over eating this extended weekend. Feels like a normal part of my life. Feels like. Because its not and it never will be 'normal' to live with a depressed spirit. We are not meant to be lonely and sad. There is serenity and joy abounding in this world, we just have to reach out and be open to it. I'm going to do a little of step 4 before I go to bed, soon. Just a start, just to open the flood gates. I need to be inundated, I need to be tossed and turned and churned. I need to be submersed before I can swim to the surface. Reach the high shores above me so i can then climb the peaks towering even higher. Right now Im at the bottom of an empty hole. I need the water to fill it and cover me so i can reach the top.
Tomorrow will be a long day. I look forward to its productivity. I ask for strength to remain positive.
Grateful for these moments of awareness I am experiencing. Of the momentousness of the moment. Of just feeling me, being.
Grateful for friends to talk to and listen to and be listened by.

12:02 living room

again, slightly to the side, slouched. *sit upright*.
westerns, round two, second night of The Magnificent Seven with the pops. A lot more enjoyable than usual though, not sure why I found these more entertaining.
Tired, stuffed, bloated. But okay. Thinking a bit about the boy. Will let that be.
Tired. Good night, grateful for smiles and laughter.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

12:08 bedroom

Its amazing how much of our parents are coded into ourselves, even if we see them little of the entire span of our lives. Ive noticed my mother's mannerisms coming out strongly in me lately- the way I gesture with my hands, clap them together when im making a point; my thought pattern of reasoning. But also, I find I am so very much my father's daughter. I hold my chin the same way, I cross my arms in the same circumstances and hold the same stance. I have the same bubbly excitement that I can hardly contain, and the thirst for adventure. And the same appetite. I have always known my dad was a sexual man, always with a girlfriend or two, always following women with his eyes, making comments. I sat silent in the passenger side of the truck, awkwardly silent and choosing naivety or laughing slightly, to ease my discomfort. But I think it was always a part of me. Which, now that I realize step 4, a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, i have to come face to face with, the discomfort and pain that sex has played in my life. But besides sexual appetite, I also get a love of eating from him. Which i think stems from instant gratification. He wants that excitement, that thrill from life that adventure brings. But we cant have that every day, at our fingertips. Most of us anyway, in the dashing, romantic way we imagine it. So we eat, for its pleasure, for its numbing contentment.
We both ate a lot tonight, laughingly sharing embarrassment, but continuing to gorge. On fat and sugar and wine. I love him, in the unexplainable, exasperating way you love family members. But I also regret the things I have learned from him. Self-centeredness. Interrupting people, not giving them the time to finish their sentence, not giving them the chance to share their story. Not on purpose, but blindly ignorant of his lack of respect. His work ethic is tremendous as is his sense of groomed personal appearance, both of which I admire greatly. But his miserly and childishly greedy outlook make me sad. Probably most because I see them in myself. Though i feel part of them melting away. I don't want THINGS. I don't feel the need to plan and spend my time daydreaming about what i can HAVE. Now- i would like to sit and meditate and look at the sky, at the trees, feel the air, have my mind clear and free to take in my surroundings, hopefully beautiful.
I feel the need to write down what I ate, like it would be a purge from my body. But all i need to acknowledge is that I ate it, its over, its done, and now I can move on. My glass is half full, and this moment is this moment and tomorrow (well, today), is another day.
I would really like to get in shape for ski season. So though I am working through the steps to help me with a lifelong ability to be free of food obsession and delve into and understand and heal from the underlying causes of that symptom, I think having a short term goal with give me some oopmh. Though I have to be careful that it does not distract me from the bigger picture.
Grateful for OA. So far what works now: routine. connection (sharing). stimulation.
meetings, outreach calls, Partner in Recovery, reading, meditation (after-work-RRR), 3 meals a day plus 2 snacks (y/f; f).
I would like to include a 2 day a week sugar snack. This give me options and flexibility and choice.
I would like to include consistent step work in this list. Especially with the onset of step 4.
grateful for writing, for its power of healing. grateful for sleep, for my bodys ability to heal itself during rest. excited for tomorrow (today), the chance to buy olympic tickets...! grateful for some disposable income to actually have the ability to consider them. grateful for a job. for a meaningful job that fulfills me when i put in the effort and dedicate myself to its outcomes. grateful for peace.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

11:21 bedroom

a day full of goodness. driving through the frosted sunshine to work, felt the goodness in me, in the air, for the day.
last night a giggle filled and binge avoided evening with the boy. not much sleep but it was worth it.
not much work at work today but it was still fulfilling. talking with co-workers at lunch, two walks in the cool, bright late fall afternoon, meeting a new volunteer, exploring travel opportunities and music festivals. home to Dad! Very happy for him to be here, a genuine contentment. Bit of a anxiety and overeating after dinner (homemade chicken soup! happy and impressed with myself), but it pulled around, and we played Racko (game) and I lost the urge of need for more snacks. Grateful for his love, for the love I feel for his simple, hearty manner.
Would reflect a bit now, feel that space, feel that its right for it. Will read a little, then think I will retire soon to bed. To sleep, if it will come. TOmorrow is another day. Today was full of goodness. I have had this day. Grateful for real companionship. For genuine affection. Grateful for dreams. Grateful for grounding in the present moment. For those moments of 'right here, right now', 'this is it', this is life. I am living my life. Those moments where afterwards, you realize you were 'being' not just 'existing'. Grateful for recovery.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

12:00am living room

a bit to the side of the first spot.
been sitting here a while, fiddling with email and various things available for research at my fingertips through the internet. a.k.a time passers. no, not porn. well, unless you consider snow to be sexual. which, actually...a good ski day can be much better than sex.
Commitment was the topic of today’s daily reader, and I tried to embody that feeling as I drove to work late (slept two hours over my alarm). I gave blood, I felt quesy, I dropped the presentation I had to tonight in Sarah’s lap. I felt guilty, I came home and went straight to the food. Hard, a hard hit straight to my emotions, battering them out of the way. Until I stopped, and they came rushing back in a fury. And I cried as I talked to my mum over the phone. I cried and nodded and listened and tried to gather my thoughts.
little pieces of the ice block…melt it bit by bit; if I screw up, I can try another way
glass half full
congratulate about all the little tiny things along the way
get the crap out. Now the good stuff.
Im okay. Im worthy. I can do whatever I put effort into.
Im so scared, about the uncertainty of the future.
It’s a disease. You have to give it medicine. And celebrate the small changes, the small betters.
Dealing with fear, a little bit at a time
Facing time, facing the growth of patience
I can be wrong. I can make mistatkes. I am not perfect.
Have to turn everything we think, upside down. Opposite of the stinking thinking. The ‘good’ way.
I will never be able to explain everything about my feelings.
It takes a long time to get there,
Yes and
I don’t have to prove my pain
Its okay to do things for ME
I can learn anything.
Then I called friends and talked and shared with them. And even later, under a hot stream of water, came the acknowledgement again, that we need fellows, other human,: to encourage, to congratulate, to console EACH OTHER, this is what we do, what we must accept for ourselves as well. Talking to the empty house, to myself, out loud: It’s happened, it was crappy, it was shitty but I can let it go and move on. That doesn’t have to ruin my tomorrow or even the rest of my night. Its happened, its done, and now I can move on to positive thinking. To ‘good’ thinking. I am worthy. I can learn anything. I can do anything I set my mind to. I have a strong mind. I have a strong body. I have a strong spirit. I can listen. I can learn. I can learn how to relax. After work, I will practice relaxing. Sounds contrary, to actively relax ;) I will lie down, I will listen to soft music, I will listen to my heart, to my breathing. I will let go of tension, I will let go of thoughts. I will read literature. I will have a cup of tea. This will be from 20 minutes to an hour. To make sure I am not hungry, I will make sure to eat something, even a little, before I leave work. So when I get home, I can go to my room, and rest and relax and release. And then decide how to go about the rest of the evening. This, I will do tomorrow. Meditation, reading, tea. Not necessarily in that order. But all three. Rest, relax, release. And connect to a Higher Power, my Inner Self, a guiding, spiritual force. “When we are unable to stay connected with our inner selves, we create anxiety and distress.” Finding Balance.
Please God, help me find strength and courage to let go of food tomorrow and hold onto self-awareness.
Attitude makes all the difference. My glass is half full. I am wholly grateful for the space in the morning to dance.

Monday, November 9, 2009

11:41 living room

Back in the spot of the first entry. Finished tightening the lids on my lunch and dinner tomorrow and rinsing the pots and measuring cups. A different lifestyle to be sure. A different mindset. Three months? Still the same. Subtle differences can make all the difference, though.
A empathetic desire to reach out to my fellows. To hear their thoughts and woes, to share my ideas and challenges. Talked to my and had a coherent stream of words flow from my mouth, about a higher power being, if nothing else, a method to let go of the ego, to get outside one's selfish brain. To reach for something beyond one's self, to rely on that something, to put trust and faith in that something. Whatever that something may be. For me, there are higher energetic forces around us, and I can feel them if I listen, with my body and soul, and let go of my mind. Love is a powerful, powerful force. Just as air, fire, earth and water. (insert some joke about captin planet...). A night of indulgence with the boy last evening. A gourmet cooked meal, including all the fat and salt, a bottle of wine for each color, and sex on the living room floor, in front of glowing embers, smoldering in the fireplace. The CD he burned for me played through and we lay at the end, naked, stroking. I wanted no words, just the unfocused focus of a hypnotic zone-out. But he was chatty and playful. We brushed our teeth and went to bed. Warm, beautiful, his arm wrapped around my middle, his head on my shoulder as I read a bit. His soft breathing. Lights out and switch heads on shoulders. A tossed and churned sleep, but I dreamt so I must have spent a decent amount of the night actually asleep. This morning at the chiropractor he mentioned that my right neck was espcially tight and i must have slept on it funny. Well, slept on an arm, yes ;) Funny how we put ourselves in uncomfortable positions for the sake of snuggling. When all we really want to do is move away and get some space! But the enticing warmth, the press of bodies, the scent of skin; its irresistable. Mostly.
Moments today, of awareness, of serenity. Reading the passage from my daily reader, feeling a calm settle over me, a blanket of relaxation, if only just for a moment. Walking from Starbucks with Sarah, back to work, the unexpected afternoon sun shinning through the golden leaves, shaking and dancing in the cool wind.
Now; grateful for this day.
"I'm here to carry my own load. I'm responsible for finding my own answers and making my own decisions. I have the program to help me to do that. If I use it in my life today, I'll learn a lot about being responsible to myself. It's a good way to start growing up!"
Grateful for space. Grateful for instant communication. Grateful for holding back from that instant ability. For many reasons. To hold back. To hold on, strrengthen a feeling, make it more honored by its preciousness. The clock ticks. I have things I want to do still. But I will go to bed, and rest.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

12:40 computer room

rooms in the house chilly, because all the doors are shut. The family is away for a week, and i am charged with fall cleaning. which means pets out of as many rooms as possible. having bathroom issues with the cats, who are disdaining to use their litter boxes. and the dog tracks in about a gallon of muddy water from each trek out into the rain.
cleaning spree after i got home from babysitting tonight, in the zone. a few instances of temptation for food, but managed to sweep by them. In charge of the house tonight, its my territory. So i don't feel the urge to stuff food down my throat in order to shove anxiety away, or to compensate for a lack of control.
ate junk food and junk dinner at babysitting, but eventually stopped and brushed my teeth. The issue now is how bad a binge is, not whether i binge or not. But progress, not perfection. Also, I can now claim a 'partner in recovery' with a girl who is similar to me with perfection and control issues. Im sure we all have them, but i feel really comfortable talking to her, especially about slip ups and mistakes.
I am grateful for this day. Early drive to the airport before sunrise, then back through the rain to bed. Raskal was visibly depressed with the empty house, but i left for a few hours anyway to go downtown to hang with the boy. relaxed, entertaining. back for pudding, then on to babysitting.
grateful for this night. of productivity. and now sleep. thankful for this week, to breath, to reach inside. to dive for the inner light, with an absense of chaos around me. to gain strength in order to swim through the chaos when it returns, and keep a stillness, a peace, a serenity inside.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

11:33 pm Kitchen

2 more nights abroad and now I have returned home and returned to the binge. A night at a boy's, a night at a girl's. A full day of work, a bit of stress at the end, and a welcomed overeating after dinner. But sneaked, and scared. It really is control. This is one of the main issues. I don't feel like I have any control over myself at home, because I feel like Im answerable to the household, but especially mum. I feel like every action, every move needs to be a certain way. And this is a defect. Reliance on my mother. Something i need to understand, let go of, and move past. Step 4, here I come.
I need to be accountable for my actions. Take ownership of them. Feel answerable to myself, and not guilty when I do what I want to do. Let go of feeling like i need to perform for other people, like they expect me to perform in a certain way. Who are they to tell me who i am? What feels right for me? I don't want to ignore other opinions, i would like to welcome them. But I need to learn how to listen and then sort; to distinguish sound advice from self-criticism imposed into the words or look from another person. I want to be understanding of myself, confident with my ideas and actions, so that if someone finds them disagreeable, I dont have to disagree with that person, I just let them think what they want to think. And not obsess over their thoughts, or obsess that they are thinking about me.
I think this next week will be good. A week in the 'home' space, but alone, under my terms. Yes, this is controlling, but I think getting a feel for living in this space without bingeing will set a habit for when the family returns from their soujourn in Arizona. Day by day. Prayers of gratitude in the morning, prayers of gratitude in the night. Need to figure out a middle break. So its not so straight through and i dont feel crazy by the time i get home. A step back from everything, after work, before home. Its too bad it gets dark so early, otherwise I would enjoy walks. have to make do, stretch the imagination. Maybe just stretch the body too. Ah, stretching...mind, body and soul. Reflection in the morning. Reflection in the evening. Flow out the day, prepare for tomorrow.
Grateful for lotion. For stepping back. For pulling together. For holding myself to myself. For love of others. For connection with others, that has to grow gradually, bit by bit, a piece at a time.

Monday, November 2, 2009

10:45 friend's bedroom

i think sometimes to get in, we have to check out. i am staying at my friend's tonight, ignoring food and opting for human contact. s'funny though, if i stayed here a couple more nights, i would inevitably be drug back to the craving. so i have to shift and shake and tomorrow will be another bedroom. thankful for supportive friends, even if they don't understand how much they are supporting me. a good day, busy and productive. a presentation tomorrow, that for some reason im a bit hesitant to give. think i just have a bit of performance anxiety cause a co-worker is coming along to shadow me. let go of the ego, and focus on service, on giving :) on how great i feel sharing information with other people that will make them safer. looking through old photos now, funny how life passes you by, but you really dont let it go. i think thats one thing i need to investigate in the next step; letting go of the ego's hold on obsessing over my past self- mistakes, what ifs. just thinking about me me me.
laugh it out laugh it out. what anxieties can i let go of today and give to my higher power? worry about anything but this moment.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

11:39 dining room

Circumstances—what are circumstances? I make circumstances.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Like the woman with the big glasses says, when you work the program, it works for you. When you put in the dedication, God dedicates to you.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
- Chinese Proverb
I think i AM beginning to change. I want people, i want stimulation. I enjoy it. But while that grows, so does the disease's desire. Both are increasing and leaving me squished between them. I want life, I wish to give service. I want to create my purpose without feeling shackled. But as that brightness increases so does the anxiety of the illness. I need to move, I need to shake, I am dedicating.
Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.
- Anne Frank
I am grateful for friends who accept me as who i am right now. who support me for who I want to be. who open their arms to me when im in need. Im going to spend the next three nights away from home, i need abstinence, i need three days freedom from bingeing, even if it means running away. I don't think I can move into the next step until i have some space and clarity for my mind to breath and my soul to brighten.
A busy and stressful friday turned into a binge night. A busy and enjoyable saturday -halloween adventures at a zombie party and then a costume rave- turned into a wonderful sunday morning but then a sunday afternoon, evening and night binge. I hold onto reflection every night- writing and planning tomorrow's meals. One of my pillars I am errecting to hold up...who knows? a roof? hanging gardens open to the sky? a multistory house? It might seem insignificant, but its important that i do it, build the pillars that will support my future.
A refreshingly cool november first, warmed by a bright sun. The night world illuminated by a glowing full moon. Sleep now, rest. And tomorrow is another day, tomorrow I will live just for the day. Service, love, recovery.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

10:04 bedroom

there is no reason for me to feel as crummy as i do, and im trying hard to fight it. I think i need a very good, long sleep. Tired, stressed, and feeling worthless. Long day...two interesting theater/multimedia presentations in the morning, one on immigration to washington at the turn of the century and the other on the dust bowl in the 30's. Round about drive to subway, then on the highway home. Snow and fallen tree over the pass, warm snooze in the van, beautiful scenery out the window. Bit crazy back at the office, thrown back into the thick of things. Gorged on chocolate as a result, and ended up physically and mentally sick. Stressed out listening to the family banter and argue, went downstairs to sit in the dark for a while, feeling the tears inside but not able to let them out. Burrito, other junk and filler food, then a slump on the sofa. Feel so out of control and worthless. But I am worthy, I am beautiful. I can handle anything. Exercised and still anxious through that, sister trying to figure out her halloween costume and asking me advice through my kicks and punches and stretches. But she did knead my shoulders for a bit after, which felt great. Short chat with mum, verbally expel frustrations a bit. Shower, awkward exchange with new boy acquaintance, second guessing my intuition and falling back on acting cute, which backfired. which is good in a way, that I know he doesn't like that stuff, because I dont like it when i do it either. Hard to get rid of those fucking bad habits. thirsty. frustrated, anxious, but very grateful. For everything that causes me consternation i see the good in it, which is bitter sweetly amusing.
THe ego is pounding against my skin, pushing itself into my words and actions. Let go, let God. I really would like to find a sponsor to help me through the 4th step, i feel its time, almost an urgent, anxious feeling. But calmness underneath. Contradictory. Seeing that I'm trying to do things perfectly, but knowing i wont and that thats okay.
Need to lay down! Grateful for books. For spirituality. For hope. For HOPE.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

11:45 hotel room

Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward. They may be beaten, but they may start a winning game.
- Goethe

“I’ve spent a lot of time studying different religious traditions and I meditate,” he says. "I think that all humans have that need for some spiritual meaning." says R. Crumb in an interview, talking about his new book illustrating the book of Genesis. I also think so. We need meaning and purpose in our lives or else we are without direction, without challenge. I over ate tonight, but felt like it brought me back from a 2-D backdrop, like when mountains look flat against the sky on the horizon because of the way the light hits them. I feel like the eating tonight was a bomb shooting up into the air and illuminating the scene with a shock of light that is shaking me from my dull confused normality. I pray to come to a balance point between the flat uncertain numbness and the sharp piercing pain. A place of serenity; of solid ground, of soaring heights, of present focus and clarity and awareness. Laying on the hotel bed after a long day, feeling neither good nor bad, just being, but disliking the lack of feeling. I tried to think what this day was for. Then I thought about what I had to be grateful and that made a difference. I closed my eyes and relaxed and fell into a meditative doze. Met up with the fellows and drove to the convention center for a couple of raucous games of bingo, all of us walking away with at least one prize. A toque and Starbucks recylced plastic coffee mug for me. Like the toque. Warm and soft, but I think I should give it to my brother. Or at least see if he wants it. Last night here, thankful for that. Thankful a routine to return to. A normal breakfast, a sized lunch, a snack, a planned dinner. And life twined in and up and around. I forgot to call an OA member tonight, I will do this tomorrow, one who I havnt met but was connected with through another girl and told she was also at this convention/training. More good classes today, but fatigue and over stimulation of social interaction made them a bit trying. Still very interesting; grad school financing, sustainable community change, sustainable living, and last a class on "quickie" energizing activities to engage a classroom. The second was the best, late morning. Pressing the point that we need to fix the causes of problems, not just deal with their effects. A story: A small village went to the riverside for a picnic on a fine spring day. The adults sat near the water while the children splashed around in the shallows. Suddenly, a piercing cry split the air. The startled parents glanced left and right looking about for their children, but all were accounted for. Suddenly, the cry again, and a baby came floating down the river. Shocked, the children waded in and pulled it out and handed it to those on the bank. How strange! All murmured and questioned where the baby came from. Then, another baby came floating down the stream and another. Soon there was an assembly line catching and passing the babies up from the water to the shore. Everyone was soon involved and busy with drying and caring for the babes. Except for one man who detached himself from the group and started walking away. Shocked the adults called after him, "Where are you going?" "To see whose throwing these babies in the stream!" he returned, striding away. Though we can help people for their needs, we also need to focus attention and resources to the root of problems. We can provide people with food and shelter, but we need to address the larger reasons for homelessness. This can seem daunting, but the key may lie in not disseminating into specialized "movements". Where special interests overtake the larger cause. Such as 'clean water movements' fighting 're-forestation programs' for funding and support, even though both are under the larger 'green' movement. Rather than funciton separately, I like to think of re-organizing the 'movements' so they are combined. Like a school. In a given school, you have multiple grades. Generally, we don't have a school for grade 1, another for grade 2, and so on. If movements are combined in one structure, then divided within it, I can imagine how there would still be separation, but less fracture. Mighty change is daunting, but we have to set our sights on it, for any change to happen at all.
Watched Practical Magic tonight. Others relaxing in their rooms or off at the bar. I dont know what it is about that movie, I cant help but watch it when its on TV.
I pray for courage and strength to connect with the earth, with the higher powers that surround me. I am willing to give myself to the universe. I pray for God's guidance. I let go of my selfish-ness, I pray to be lifted out from under its veil. I pray to serve. Please God, help me serve. Grateful for love.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

10:51 hotel room

A day without food obsession and again, I am a bit at a loss of what to write about, except for simply the events of the day. A wonderful meditation and Tai Chi class this afternoon, floating on a high at the end. Exercise, strech and hot tub after dinner. Emails, phone calls, then chill with group, watching a movie, playing cards and games, laughing. Bit of a sore throat and runny nose starting, so going to bed early. An unexpected but pleasant phone conversation just ended, a helpless smile lingering on my face. But grounded, I pray for present focus. But I think I should remember not to concentrate too hard, or else miss the point entirely. Let it be. I let go of control, I give myself to the universe, I am a child of the universe. Sitting in the hot tub, the surface turbulent and violent, the steam swaying and thrashing in the cold night air. Doing the forms of Tai Chi, I felt a pressure of the energy around me, in and under my palms. Higher Power, I pray for strength and courage to open myself and be guided. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Grateful for the bright warmness that flows from the possiblity of love.

Monday, October 26, 2009

11:45 hotel room

Its amazing how we can lose track of the moment, be so engaged on the surface level that not much registers below. Tonight playing games and drinking beer, laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. But not really involving any thought process. This afternoon, also happy and laughing in the bright afternoon sunshine and cold, strong wind, capering around a park. But thinking, and not drinking. I think two beers is a cap for me. The first relaxes me, the second gives me a buzz, but after that, there is no substantial increase in enjoyment, things get foggy and I just feel ill later. A limit learned.
Up with ease this morning, fully awake on the drive into seattle. Transfer of luggage through a downpour and the 15 of us were on our way to here, Yakima, for a mandatory 4 day extra training conference. Hydroplaning and newspapers, beautiful views over the rolling hills under storm breaking skies. Though I had driven this road many times, I realize I had never driven it in the rain, which gave it a whole new beauty for me. I do love clouds :) They feel like a tangible image of the greater powers around us. To me anyway. Their majesty, their might, their never ending changing and morphing. They can be everything and everything. They are lakes and ponds and seas and oceans floating in the sky.
Arrived in time for a yummy buffet taco lunch. Key note speaker was a bit of a drag, but felt present during most of it. The funneled glass tumbler on the table was a magnet for my eyes. It has so much weight, so much being. It was beautiful. Skipped the afternoon lesson to take a walk by the river and run around the playground with two co-workers. Lots of belly laughs and real smiles. Bright bright sunshine. Back for a beer run, a chugged bottle, then a delicious turkey dinner. Back to the hotel for more drinking and games. One of the last to retreat to my room for some dancing, situps and a shower.
Here and there, back and forth. I don't want to lose myself in the fray, in the repetition. In the madness. I pray to stay focused and present, to fully open myself to the higher powers, to the Creative Spirit, who can guide me to 'righteousness'. To where I need to be, where I can be. Thankful for not being in the food tonight. For being satisfied enough to not have to overly think about it- desiring/restricting. Grateful for a big bed, a warm clean shower. A co-workers voice dictating this; bring it back, Paradie, bring it back. Bring it back to here, bring it back.