Thursday, October 29, 2009

10:04 bedroom

there is no reason for me to feel as crummy as i do, and im trying hard to fight it. I think i need a very good, long sleep. Tired, stressed, and feeling worthless. Long day...two interesting theater/multimedia presentations in the morning, one on immigration to washington at the turn of the century and the other on the dust bowl in the 30's. Round about drive to subway, then on the highway home. Snow and fallen tree over the pass, warm snooze in the van, beautiful scenery out the window. Bit crazy back at the office, thrown back into the thick of things. Gorged on chocolate as a result, and ended up physically and mentally sick. Stressed out listening to the family banter and argue, went downstairs to sit in the dark for a while, feeling the tears inside but not able to let them out. Burrito, other junk and filler food, then a slump on the sofa. Feel so out of control and worthless. But I am worthy, I am beautiful. I can handle anything. Exercised and still anxious through that, sister trying to figure out her halloween costume and asking me advice through my kicks and punches and stretches. But she did knead my shoulders for a bit after, which felt great. Short chat with mum, verbally expel frustrations a bit. Shower, awkward exchange with new boy acquaintance, second guessing my intuition and falling back on acting cute, which backfired. which is good in a way, that I know he doesn't like that stuff, because I dont like it when i do it either. Hard to get rid of those fucking bad habits. thirsty. frustrated, anxious, but very grateful. For everything that causes me consternation i see the good in it, which is bitter sweetly amusing.
THe ego is pounding against my skin, pushing itself into my words and actions. Let go, let God. I really would like to find a sponsor to help me through the 4th step, i feel its time, almost an urgent, anxious feeling. But calmness underneath. Contradictory. Seeing that I'm trying to do things perfectly, but knowing i wont and that thats okay.
Need to lay down! Grateful for books. For spirituality. For hope. For HOPE.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

11:45 hotel room

Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward. They may be beaten, but they may start a winning game.
- Goethe

“I’ve spent a lot of time studying different religious traditions and I meditate,” he says. "I think that all humans have that need for some spiritual meaning." says R. Crumb in an interview, talking about his new book illustrating the book of Genesis. I also think so. We need meaning and purpose in our lives or else we are without direction, without challenge. I over ate tonight, but felt like it brought me back from a 2-D backdrop, like when mountains look flat against the sky on the horizon because of the way the light hits them. I feel like the eating tonight was a bomb shooting up into the air and illuminating the scene with a shock of light that is shaking me from my dull confused normality. I pray to come to a balance point between the flat uncertain numbness and the sharp piercing pain. A place of serenity; of solid ground, of soaring heights, of present focus and clarity and awareness. Laying on the hotel bed after a long day, feeling neither good nor bad, just being, but disliking the lack of feeling. I tried to think what this day was for. Then I thought about what I had to be grateful and that made a difference. I closed my eyes and relaxed and fell into a meditative doze. Met up with the fellows and drove to the convention center for a couple of raucous games of bingo, all of us walking away with at least one prize. A toque and Starbucks recylced plastic coffee mug for me. Like the toque. Warm and soft, but I think I should give it to my brother. Or at least see if he wants it. Last night here, thankful for that. Thankful a routine to return to. A normal breakfast, a sized lunch, a snack, a planned dinner. And life twined in and up and around. I forgot to call an OA member tonight, I will do this tomorrow, one who I havnt met but was connected with through another girl and told she was also at this convention/training. More good classes today, but fatigue and over stimulation of social interaction made them a bit trying. Still very interesting; grad school financing, sustainable community change, sustainable living, and last a class on "quickie" energizing activities to engage a classroom. The second was the best, late morning. Pressing the point that we need to fix the causes of problems, not just deal with their effects. A story: A small village went to the riverside for a picnic on a fine spring day. The adults sat near the water while the children splashed around in the shallows. Suddenly, a piercing cry split the air. The startled parents glanced left and right looking about for their children, but all were accounted for. Suddenly, the cry again, and a baby came floating down the river. Shocked, the children waded in and pulled it out and handed it to those on the bank. How strange! All murmured and questioned where the baby came from. Then, another baby came floating down the stream and another. Soon there was an assembly line catching and passing the babies up from the water to the shore. Everyone was soon involved and busy with drying and caring for the babes. Except for one man who detached himself from the group and started walking away. Shocked the adults called after him, "Where are you going?" "To see whose throwing these babies in the stream!" he returned, striding away. Though we can help people for their needs, we also need to focus attention and resources to the root of problems. We can provide people with food and shelter, but we need to address the larger reasons for homelessness. This can seem daunting, but the key may lie in not disseminating into specialized "movements". Where special interests overtake the larger cause. Such as 'clean water movements' fighting 're-forestation programs' for funding and support, even though both are under the larger 'green' movement. Rather than funciton separately, I like to think of re-organizing the 'movements' so they are combined. Like a school. In a given school, you have multiple grades. Generally, we don't have a school for grade 1, another for grade 2, and so on. If movements are combined in one structure, then divided within it, I can imagine how there would still be separation, but less fracture. Mighty change is daunting, but we have to set our sights on it, for any change to happen at all.
Watched Practical Magic tonight. Others relaxing in their rooms or off at the bar. I dont know what it is about that movie, I cant help but watch it when its on TV.
I pray for courage and strength to connect with the earth, with the higher powers that surround me. I am willing to give myself to the universe. I pray for God's guidance. I let go of my selfish-ness, I pray to be lifted out from under its veil. I pray to serve. Please God, help me serve. Grateful for love.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

10:51 hotel room

A day without food obsession and again, I am a bit at a loss of what to write about, except for simply the events of the day. A wonderful meditation and Tai Chi class this afternoon, floating on a high at the end. Exercise, strech and hot tub after dinner. Emails, phone calls, then chill with group, watching a movie, playing cards and games, laughing. Bit of a sore throat and runny nose starting, so going to bed early. An unexpected but pleasant phone conversation just ended, a helpless smile lingering on my face. But grounded, I pray for present focus. But I think I should remember not to concentrate too hard, or else miss the point entirely. Let it be. I let go of control, I give myself to the universe, I am a child of the universe. Sitting in the hot tub, the surface turbulent and violent, the steam swaying and thrashing in the cold night air. Doing the forms of Tai Chi, I felt a pressure of the energy around me, in and under my palms. Higher Power, I pray for strength and courage to open myself and be guided. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Grateful for the bright warmness that flows from the possiblity of love.

Monday, October 26, 2009

11:45 hotel room

Its amazing how we can lose track of the moment, be so engaged on the surface level that not much registers below. Tonight playing games and drinking beer, laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. But not really involving any thought process. This afternoon, also happy and laughing in the bright afternoon sunshine and cold, strong wind, capering around a park. But thinking, and not drinking. I think two beers is a cap for me. The first relaxes me, the second gives me a buzz, but after that, there is no substantial increase in enjoyment, things get foggy and I just feel ill later. A limit learned.
Up with ease this morning, fully awake on the drive into seattle. Transfer of luggage through a downpour and the 15 of us were on our way to here, Yakima, for a mandatory 4 day extra training conference. Hydroplaning and newspapers, beautiful views over the rolling hills under storm breaking skies. Though I had driven this road many times, I realize I had never driven it in the rain, which gave it a whole new beauty for me. I do love clouds :) They feel like a tangible image of the greater powers around us. To me anyway. Their majesty, their might, their never ending changing and morphing. They can be everything and everything. They are lakes and ponds and seas and oceans floating in the sky.
Arrived in time for a yummy buffet taco lunch. Key note speaker was a bit of a drag, but felt present during most of it. The funneled glass tumbler on the table was a magnet for my eyes. It has so much weight, so much being. It was beautiful. Skipped the afternoon lesson to take a walk by the river and run around the playground with two co-workers. Lots of belly laughs and real smiles. Bright bright sunshine. Back for a beer run, a chugged bottle, then a delicious turkey dinner. Back to the hotel for more drinking and games. One of the last to retreat to my room for some dancing, situps and a shower.
Here and there, back and forth. I don't want to lose myself in the fray, in the repetition. In the madness. I pray to stay focused and present, to fully open myself to the higher powers, to the Creative Spirit, who can guide me to 'righteousness'. To where I need to be, where I can be. Thankful for not being in the food tonight. For being satisfied enough to not have to overly think about it- desiring/restricting. Grateful for a big bed, a warm clean shower. A co-workers voice dictating this; bring it back, Paradie, bring it back. Bring it back to here, bring it back.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

11:56 bedroom

Sunday night, time for bed soon. Its funny how its so much harder to write something when you aren't feeling intense feelings of frustration or contemplation. When I just, "am", its harder for me to grasp a concept or a topic to shape my entry around. But I suppose I need to think about the idea that no moments are mundane. Every moment can feel special if you just bring yourself into a clear focus. Action matters not, its the presence of your entire being in that moment.
Dressed up for a early halloween party last night, and was very excited about my costume as i left the house. But on the drive over and as I neared the party, I began to feel nervous. I didn't know anyone who was going to be there besides two people, and I didn't know how many people were going to show up, total. For some reason, the thought of a large group intimidated me, where it usually has the opposite effect, as I can blend in. But I suppose you can't completely grasp your bearings in a large group, because there are too many people to keep tabs on and therefore to know exactly what is going on in the environment around you. So the lack of control is what throws off my balance. I even admitted feeling fearful as I found a parking spot on the street. But understanding and acknowledging that helped alleviate that fear by half. And I repeated to myself the mantras, "Whatever happens, I'll handle it" and "Where ever I go, I'm never alone". And both came about. The house was great, a big old turn of the century mansion that was now a co-op. And it was a potluck event so the tables were overflowing with delicious, healthy and vegetarian food and deserts. And lots of beer. More beer than I should have drank, but its been a while. Danced off the layers of my costume then danced up on a boy in a straight jacket. Ended up going home with him, which turned out to be a very good thing, except for the terrible hangover. Lying with him in bed for hours this morning, aimlessly chatting, trying to doze off the pounding in my head, felt...natural. We will see what comes of this. Maybe nothing, maybe something beautiful. I let go of control and give myself to the universe :p
"The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves." We deceive others because we are not okay with revealing our discomfort, our uncertainty with ourselves. Deception is a loaded word, that carries a negative connotation. But I think I mislead people simply because I am confused about a situation and my emotions are churning, spinning like wheel of fortune, who knows what amount i will land on. With food, however, this is entirely true. When I try to hide food from others, act non-chalante about food issues, it is because I am hiding from myself, from facing the challenge of letting go, of moving on. I deceive everyone in my house when i sneak food, but i'm first deceiving myself. its terrible to feel guilty about eating. But I still carry that around with me. And I think thats one of my biggest defects, thinking everyone is watching what I eat, concerned with/judging what i eat. Being self-absorbed. Deceiving people about not going out, about not joining in on activities, about cancelling plans, because of food. I say "i'm tired", "I want to stay in tonight", "I feel like relaxing", "I don't want to drive". Which may very well be true. But I have to add "because I want to/feel like I need to eat" after each excuse. I will try to face each day, each moment honestly, with an openness and willingness to the universe and its guidance. I pray for serenity. Grateful for inspiration (this turned out to be not so short of a post).

Saturday, October 24, 2009

12:16 a.m.

I am valuable, worthy and lovable. just as you are.
...
If I won't be myself, who will?
- Alfred Hitchcock
Maybe I, yes me! am going to do something that makes an impact, a difference. That by following my heart and intuition (that tap into the creative spirit of the universe), and finding and doing what i love, i will inspire others to find and do what they love. and can you imagine if the world was full of people finding and doing what they love? I have a framed quote, painted in big letters on my bookshelf: "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive. Go do that. What the world needs is people who have come alive."
I thought today, sitting in the warm room before the meeting, looking out at the green neon sign, glowing across the street in the twilight, i thought- someone made that sign. someone made that happen. if you look all around you, at everything: someone made that happen. with a thought, with an idea, with a machine, with others. we take our surroundings for granted. the carpet under our feet. someone made that. designed it. made the machine to make it. the stop lights we wait at. someone made that. the light bulb. the traffic pattern. and so then i thought; there are many things we see that we don't know how are made or done, but we know they are done. can it not be the same with greater forces in the universe? that things happen, and that something is making those things happen? or effecting them anyway? All I have to do is be willing, im reading in chapter four of the Big Book. Thats it. Just a willingness to believe in a power greater than yourself. And although I already knew this, i didn't REALLY know this. I tried to put limitations and boundaries on a made up relationship with my higher power. But i really don't know. So for now, its okay to just believe in something out there, something greater out there, a higher power. There are many greater and higher powers than me. But I also can be willing to believe in a Creative Spirit, a uniting force. That makes things happen.
so many of my quotes are about choice. the choice to make your life out of what you are given. but its also about being guided. or, choosing to listen.
Reading some advice from inspirationalist Dr. Wayne Dyer. Some of his words about turning excuses upside down with positive affirmations:
"Excuse: I don’t deserve it. Affirmation: I am a Divine creation, a piece of God. Therefore, I cannot be undeserving."
something I should try often and tell myself when im down on myself for not accomplishing anything...i can enjoy my life just the way it is, because it is a piece of peace and good in the universe, and something i should enjoy and encourage.
"Excuse: I’m not strong enough. Affirmation: I have access to unlimited assistance. My strength comes from my connection to my Source of being."
"Excuse: I’m too old (or not old enough). Affirmation: I am an infinite being. The age of my body has no bearing on what I do or who I am."
"Excuse: I’m too busy. Affirmation: As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul."
I have been thinking very much about travel lately. Places of worship and castles and museums...Mediterranean coast, Europe, India, Turkey, Northern Africa...and now I have the means to slowly start saving up for it. A pilgrimage, a grand adventure to study architecture and culture and people's spirits; others and my own.
"Excuse: I’m too scared. Affirmation: I can accomplish anything I put my mind to, because I know that I am never alone."
...
"Life is what we make it. Always has been, always will be." says Grandma Moses. Attitude.
Grateful for a night of a halted overeat. Grateful for time spent dreaming in reality. A bit off today, self-conscious and awkward. Grounding slowly. Will think about tomorrow then sleep. Thankful for sleep.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

11:46 bedroom

Mum says its all about attitude. I would remind myself of this often. Attitude attitude attitude. You can find yourself in a situation but have completely different reactions to it depending on your outlook of events. And how you shape your emotional response. Repeat over and over in your head, a positive affirmation, a positive outlook.
I have faith, I let go, I give myself to the Universe.
I have to remember that I don't need everyone to like me. I should not want everyone to like me. I like being adaptable and open-minded but that doesn't mean I act shallow or cynically funny to 'work' every situation i find myself in. I will listen more strongly to the impulses deep inside my gut, that tell me Im faking it, in social interactions. Also, i think I want everyone to like me, because I feel like I want to like everyone else. But really this isn't an ideal situation. Liking everyone is exhausting. I can not dislike people, but that doesn't mean I have to make an effort to like them. If it comes it comes, if it doesn't it doesn't.
Attitude.
Please, help me live day by day. Please, help me let go of my defects. Please, help me embrace love and find my meaning and purpose within it. Please, help me serve. Please, help me find the tune.
Attitude of gratitude. I am grateful for a hot shower. I am grateful for Kings of Leon. I am grateful for the anchor friends provide.

Monday, October 19, 2009

11:45 bedroom

So many good thoughts and moments today. Exercised in the morning, got a good crackin at the chiro office, then on to a great presentation, afer some hilarity with directions. Good afternoon and evening in the office, a bit of hesitation before the OA meeting, but stayed late enough at the chapter to eat dinner and then drive and arrive right on time. A good meeting, long but fulfilling. And a sort of crazy euphoria after. Praying to a higher power, feeling a higher power, being with a higher power as I parked in front of the garage and went the bathroom and raced upstairs to talk to my sister while i brushed my teeth. A sense of satisfaction. Of thankfulness. Then, a decision that it was okay to eat now. I let go and let god take over...then i took it back. Felt grumpy then miserable as the binge progressed, only stopping when i felt another bite would make me actively sick.
A higher power is here, with me, now. Always. I feel the reception as soon as i open myself to it. But I also need action. Action steps to support the higher power's guidance in me. I ate tonight to relax. But obviously it has the exact opposite effect. I will try something. Because that is all i can do, trial and error and listening to the voice of spirit inside me. (The more I eat, the more that voice is deafened, and so the harder to listen, to feel, the easier to eat. Repeat...). During the day, when I come home, I will take a cup of tea and sit with someone or outside or on the couch for 15 minutes. When I come home at night, I will take a cup of tea down to my room and sit for 15 minutes. I wont say I can't read or occupy myself. I will read my 'dream day' piece of paper.
Cup of tea. 15 minutes. Its a start.
So many good moments today I cant remember them all. I wish I hand't binged tonight. But I did, it happened, and I did some situps, and now I am going to bed. I am disapointed, but I won't let that get in the way of my sleep.
Grateful for different perceptions. Grateful for learning about the way people lived throughout history. Grateful to be able to read. Grateful to have unlimited access to learning.
Pray for courage to withstand the emptiness that comes when i don't eat. Pray for strength. Pray for wisdom. And love. I'm confused about a situation with a co-worker. I have to admit to myself that I do like him. I'm not sure why, I'm not sure how, but I have to admit I have a weird kind of crush. Weird because of how love and affection are weird in general. We just really can't help who we are attracted to, who we fall for. Is it in our genetic makeup? Is it a magnetism of energy? WHAT IS IT?! Because in this situation, I would rather it go away. It might complicate things. But maybe this is a lesson I have to learn to. Its okay to like someone, even though I'm not physically what I think I should be like, if i was in a relationship. And this crush is making me face that at any time, at any moment, I am exactly who I am. And why should I put of anything, especially love, because I'm not perfect. Because I never will be. And if I wait until I'm perfect, I will never have anything.
Truthfully, I think this is also about deficiencies. I always fall for someone who has something i don't, who has a quality I covet. This young man has a calmness, a quiet surety, a subtle humor that is as sharp as a knife. I want his calm, his seeming peacefulness. He is a hard worker and exercises and I respect that. Eating my second heaping bowl of cereal tonight, I realized, as I took bite after bite, that my eating is also like my relationships. I hang on waaaaay too long. I need to just let them go. Let go and let a higher power take over. Because I really can't run the show. At all. Very well. God help me.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

11:53 dining room

We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them.
- Charles C. West
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
- Mark Twain
Back in June, with two great girls, I wrote out some goals. Its been a while since I looked at them, but it was a nice refresher. Some are surprising (forgotten), others are accomplished, some are lost in space. But I know its very important to have these ideas thought out and put in space outside my head, and I think I also need to print them. Maybe read them every day when I get home. Recently I also wrote out “my perfect day”, an exercise from a financial self-help book I read a while ago. Its vague, but right now, I feel like any specifics wouldn’t be honest, because I don’t know what would make me happy. Because I know I need to open myself up to the Universe and be lead to what will be right for me.
Still working on that. The opening up part. Tonight I overate past want, and it turned out to be a perplexing situation. I sat with a cup of hot water in lemon, just sitting, feeling the effects of too much food in my body. One of the cats has been using my bathtub as a litter box, and all of us assumed it was Rosie, the Black One, with the crazed running rampages, the crooked tail, and the squeaky meow. There is a sign on the door that asks whoever used the bathroom last to close it. But it was open, with the light on, because I was about to brush my teeth. Nina, the elder cat, went in, and I thought nothing of it, she usually drinks out of the toilette. But after a few minutes she snaked out and I went in to find a disgusting pile of her leftovers on the floor. The blame was laid on the wrong cat all along! Then I thought, if I hadn’t eaten and sat in that chair, I would have never seen that. But now I have another thought- who says I wouldn’t have still been here even if I hadn’t been eating. I was watching a movie on Netflix. I could have stopped eating and continued watching it. Details…
In my brother’s bathroom upstairs, he has pictures of a trip to Paris he took a couple years ago. The bathroom used to be mine, and I painted the ceiling red and put a fish border around it. I also covered the switch plate with wall paper that read in large pale rose letters, “Paris”. Hm. Interesting.
I don’t have to be in perfect shape to do the things Im interested in doing. Hiking, surfing, horse back riding, skiing, other sports and adventures. Maybe that’s a lesson Im supposed to be learning. Ive always thought, when Im in better shape, I can do this. But who says I can’t do it now? No one. It would be easier if I was physically fitter. But maybe what I need to concentrate on is my mental strength. The strength of faith, of letting go of perfection. Of focusing on the moment, of being in the moment. Ive written these same statements over and over and over and I will probably write them a thousand more. There is something about the slow process of learning, of change. Of absorbing it until it becomes second nature, first thought. I dream of this day. But for now, I am grateful for the day I lived today. One where I could spend time with my family, where I could defuse my anger, where I could spend casual time with friends, and put away anxiety of food for a little while. Where I could pay attention to what people were saying.
Written august 14th
torn. confused. between
homebody and social butterfly
comfy and beauty.
can i be both? can i be neither? can i be so all encompassing that i am outside the realm of either?
felt very lost. feel a bit more grounded now. after a cry. after a talk with guiding spirit, mother god. and mum.
tomorrow is another day. tonight is beautiful.
12:23
Written september 2nd
i think ive been watching too much dexter. i feel so dark, so detached from the light. so convinced that if i leave the dark for the light, ill just be floating around with no bearings. which might happen. which isnt a bad thing.
im hanging onto the past. the past is good, to teach lessons, to make into stories. but we cant live there, we cant go back, we cant carry it around with us.
i think im going crazy. or maybe its finally coming to the surface, the real crazy. scarily, i feel like i have Dexter to thank for that. so honest. so unguarded. in his mental dialogue.
this is not me. i dont know who i am, that is for my higher power to reveal to me, to guide me to. but i know i am not this. please god no, i am not this. lost, confused, apathetic in place of fear and lonliness. heartburn.
i really like the red cross, my co-workers. i dont want to fuck that up to.
the chaos, the insanity, the rising anxiety when i think about not being able to eat.
one day at a time. tonight, im not purging. easier than not bingeing, but a concious choice, led by a feeling, not to exercise.
but to sleep. i need sleep.
and sanity. and serenity. and to not worry about answers. to let go of control.
please higher power, give me a sign that its going to be all right. that im not going to kill myself in frustration. if this is what you want me to work through, i will try to accept it. i just need to see that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. please. am i depressed? should i see a doctor? because i dont understand how i can do this to myself.
cry every night.
i beat myself down tonight. what is that? please come find me. come love me. come help me.
11:23pm

I still have a long way to travel, a long road ahead on this journey. But I am grateful for these small changes. I hold onto them in clasped hands as I pray to a Higher Power,
“I have come this far. I will not turn back. I cannot turn back. I will not turn back. Guide me, show me love, help me laugh, help me serve. Help me find love.”

Great quotes on Discovery:
“It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end.”
– Ursula LeGuin
“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping."
– Chinese Proverbs
“One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.”
– AndrĂ© Gide “Exploration is really the essence of the human spirit.”
– Frank Borman
"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
– TS Eliot
“We must go beyond textbooks, go out into the bypaths and untrodden depths of the wilderness and travel and explore and tell the world the glories of our journey.”
– John Hope Franklin
“I soon realized that no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within.”
– Lillian Smith
“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.”
– Martin Buber
“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”
– Marcel Proust
“One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his greatest surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't.”
– Henry Ford
“The greatest discoveries have come from people who have looked at a standard situation and seen it differently.”
– Ira Erwin
“Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character. Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.” (minus the exploitation)
– Author Unknown
…………………………………………………………………………………………..
I wake up, on this perfect day, with someone who I am completely comfortable with, respect and love and who I want to be with. Myself, other person, a pet...In a relationship that balances, not one that fill deficiencies
I am in a comfortable, clean, nurturing, serene, thoughtful, uplifting space. There is sunshine, there is water.
I work with people, inside and outside, i am helpful and friendly and surrounded by like minded folk. I make moderate, comfortable money. I am helping others/and designing- physically creating or making. I look fresh and awake, ready for a new day- its challenges, its joys, its possibilities. I am wearing comfort and inspiration. I travel by bike/scooter/moto/bus/car.
After work I job/swim/yoga/ water my garden, read. I am with myself, best friends, lucas, aubrey.
The evening is warm and bright over a home cooked meal with friends/family. It is relaxing and enriching.
At night, as I get into bed and lay to sleep and dream, I am grateful for serenity, for not being in a dark prison of food, for having challenges, for having peace, goals and direction. I look forward to the future with faith in the universe and love. I am excited for travels and spending time with friends and projects. I am dreaming of my stone house with the orchard and the garden and the small barn. and maybe a creek.

this is my dream. a dream. I will nuture it. And watch it grow and change, as I hope to grow and change. Higher Power, please help me let go, please help me embrace you. I am afraid; I am willing.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

11:25 computer room

If only I had the discipline, if only I could be at a place where I had the discipline to regulate myself and my actions. If only I could reach that point, then everything would be okay, then I would be happy.
Just watched a movie, “Peaceful Warrior” that pretty much embodied all that I am learning about now, trying to embody myself. Inspiring, moving, overwhelming with the wisdom nuggets. Thinking I should watch it again in a few months. See what I take away from it then.
Three rules of Life. Paradox, Humor, Change. Life is a mystery, don't try to understand it. Have a sense of humor, especially when it comes to yourself, this can be your greatest strength. Everything changes.
Always put the peanut butter on the bread first when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich ;) sense of humor...
A bad heachache in the middle of the day. Laid down for a few hours in my avalanche of blankets on my bed. Understood I wanted pity, but tried to fight it.
We have no control. Let go, we have no control. Its the journey. If we focus too much on the destination, we miss everything along the way.
And there is so much to learn along the way. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by it. Other times I'm so excited I feel like I'm about to burst, its overflowing.
Let go of perfection. They took a hike to the top of a mountain at the end of the movie. The young man thought there was something special to see. The older man told him it was by his foot, a square rock. The young man scoffed. The older man told him he really didn't know what they were going to find. The young man understood the lesson of the journey. But something else became evident, that he wouldn't have felt that lesson (as strongly) if he hadn't struggled so much before. I feel slightly on edge. I feel like if I just had a passion, everything would be better, everything would be clear. But maybe my journey is finding my passion. And through that journey I will find my meaning. There are no mundane moments. There are only moments. This has been hard for me to accept. Thats why I eat. To take the moment and either forget it, forget myself; or intensify it.
Aubrey and Katie took a writing class at the Bellevue Library today, and there was also a ceremony to unveil a statue of Ghandi. Indian food samples, pretty sari's and dignitaries, that we caught a glimpse of as mum and I returned to the Library to pick up the girls, after shopping with Casey in the Northgate Target. Pretty clothes. A change in changing room through patterns. Saw my body for what it was- and liked it. Felt womanly and real. Grateful for that.
I have had this moment. Warm hands typing on black keys on a white calender on a wood desk on a berber carpet in a warm house. A fire, a game of yatzee. The girls laughing and chatting after making homemade brownies. I have had this night. The rain. So much rain today. Clearing the air. Feeding the streams, the rivers, the ground, the plants.
Thought the other day how powerful the sun is, how it truly is at the center of our lives. Its heat stirs the air, makes the wind, makes the waves, makes the currents. Evaporates the water, moves the clouds, which rain down, erode the soil, change the earth. The only other natural power not effected by it is the hot core of the earth. Pulsing, moving, shifting the earth, pushing and pulling, mountains and valleys. Two greater forces. Out of my control If there are these, how can there not be others? Moving the planets, the stars, the galaxies? Sound and light. Heat and gravity. Great forces that manifest on very small and very large scales and everywhere in between. Can there not be others? A creative force in the Universe? A Higher Power that runs through all and everything and one? That guides? I lisen for it. But my faith is just waking. My desire to change is a seedling. Though really, do I have any power over my change at all? Everything changes. But nothing changes. All is uncertainty. That is the only certainty.
Service to others, will bring service to yourself.
I am wary, i am hesitant, but I open myself. I am willing to let go and let myself be taken care of. Because I can't do it myself.

12:54 bedroom

Feels like its been more days than have been since I last wrote. Beautiful Joseph in the magnificent, inspiring 5th Avenue theater on Wednesday. Happy hour with Ruthie at Broadway Grill, Thursday night, for her birthday, even though I was staunchly wanting to return home after a long day of work. But I went, and stayed a long time, and bought an unwanted second glass of merlot just before a co-worker of Ruthie called to say he was at the bar they were supposed to meet at. She drank my wine, I dropped her off and returned home. To eat, much more that was healthy for me, much more than an indulgence. Its funny, that was last night and I can't even remember what I ate. Full day today, travel and presentation, and back to the office. Full and fulfilling. Visited Sarah afterwards in her new appt. and passed a simple hour chatting. Then the moment came to decide for the meeting and I went. Opened myself up to a higher power, as much as I know how and could so far, for my decisions today, even the most mundane, and was surprised to find out the answers came, as weight in my brain, and felt right, even if not at first. The meeting seemed to skim by, and then at its end I volunteered to take charge of the key and the lead for the next. Oh Dear, when will you learn. I might feel resentful next Friday, but at the same time I am grateful to the power in me that pushes me to reach out and take action, do service. Thank you. 'I have everything I need, and I'm alllriiiiiiiiiight.' Says the country song. I overate a lot tonight but i feel good, almost excited. Im confused by the change in mind state. Usually I would be weeping by now. But I think the difference is all in the potential of the next day. Tomorrow is saturday. I can sleep in, I can exercise. In other words, I can do what I want. I can make the choices to run my day. But now, I have to start thinking about not running my day. Letting a higher power guide me in all that I do. I think I feel a glimmer of faith, a catch of light on a small pebble that might potentially be a vein of trust running through me. I will hold tight to this fleeting sparkle. Its memory if nothing else.
It think it is time for sleep. I could stay up and read, but I think at this point of night, that would be avoiding myself, not in-taking knowledge or inspiration for pleasure.
Grateful to be able to be a part of a group who encourages each other's spiritual growth. That is no small miracle. Grateful for present focus and conscious reflection, when I embrace them. Love save me. Save me from my fear. Force buoy me. Guide me through my fear. Universe, Spirit of the Universe, help me understand my fear and grow from it. Watched Batman Begins tonight. great movie. Night.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

12:26 computer room

A satisfying day of two presentations, an afternoon nap, an evening Thunderbirds hockey game with Sarah and Katie and work buddies...
After resisting the desire to eat at night, refusing the craving, with the strength of a greater power than myself, I feel released. But I don't feel good.
After eating - after eating over what i should, but not out of control - I feel good. I feel some sort of relaxation and numb stillness.
Gummy vitabears, apple, bag of popcorn, large bowl of cereal, 5 slices of bread (2 with peanut butter).
I am stable right now. I feel business like. Social worker business like maybe. But outwardly calm. These actions, the overeating, the exercising late, the reduced sleep, these are not healthy for me. My body, my mind and the soul they encase.
I am willing. But I think I have to do this slightly different. I have to let go slowly, because it is the only way any lasting impact is going to happen. I am willing for change, but I also understand my great Fear I have inside. The fear that kept me wrapped in a blanket in my bed this afternoon, safe under the covers. There was magic outside, in the wind, in the sky, and it was so tangible, even though its what i yearn for, it was frightening.
I thought today, that mysetery is like the yin and magic like the yang. Mystery is that passive, secretive energy, while magic is energetic. More thoughts on those later perhaps. I seek both. Yet I am wary of the bend. I stand poised to look around the corner, but so afraid I think my heart might pound out of my chest. Afraid of actually taking the plunge.
I have to do this slowly. But always aware. I must never let myself be unaware of myself and emotions. Even if I choose to not feel them, I must not ignore them.
A willingness to change, but a cry to my higher power, that if i let myself Feel all at once, I might drown. I stand in the shallow waters on the shore of my island. I look out at the vastness that surronds me. If I start swimming I will eventually get somewhere. But I want to make this a true swim, not returning to the island when im scared of a storm. I will take this slow. I will build my strength as I let go of food. I will build my confidence as I search deeper into myself and deeper into the idea and meaning of faith. I will build my courage as I let myself love. Slowly. Slowly.
Grateful for life. Grateful for each day. And its possiblities, its challenges, its joys.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

11:56 bedroom

I slept on my floor last night, a thin blanket on top of me, curled around the space heater.
i awoke with bleary eyes and a dry thirst. tea with mum and delaine was harshly interuppted by a call bearing sad news about delaine's mother. a tearful, anxious goodbye and the turkey put in the oven. a beautiful fresh fall day. brilliant sunshine and cool air. worked on the trail a bit, peeled a few potatoes, then picked up ruthie from the park and ride in issaquah. home to finish cooking the vegetables, then sit down to enjoy a bountiful thanksgiving meal. a few sips of a delicious pinot noir (perhaps so delicious because its been about a month since any has passed my lips), then out for a stroll to pull away from the sluggish lull of bodies after turkey and gravey and mash potatos. green jasmine tea and a very nice chat on the porch in the tepid warmth of the afternoon. real and honest about eating issues and past depression and current states of mind. some quick photos of the bro for his senior portrait then drive ruthie back to town for a mini grocery shop before saying goodbye to her at the bus stop. home with a headache (wine? and lack of sleep) and a unexpected doze on mum's bed. then down for pie and sweet potatoes and sugar and bread. and lots of water. exercise to a bellydance boogie, stretch and now here i am.
going to lean away from the strictness of the HOW program. feel like its tieing me down, and so i am straining against it. the emphasis on rigid abstinence only makes me paranoid about breaking it, and guilty when i do. Im going to stick with planning meals, and groceries, and I want to find another partner in recovery to email my next days meals to. But they are going to be guidelines. And I will attend meetings and read literature with a new focus on spiritual healing, rather than restricting my eating. Ive come to face to face with my need for meaning and purpose. Now I have to take the steps to learn how to build my journey and 'create my destination' as Ruthie put it. Where I end up depends a lot on my perspective. Im going to work on thinking positive, having kind thoughts, and forgiving myself. Setting allowances, just like in finances, and giving rewards.
Grateful for an outside perspective. Grateful for a wonderful refreshing day. I have had this.

12:18 bedroom

I feel like im in this terrible bubble out in space, in the space between space, the empty vaccumes between actual matter. just rolling around and around. insanity. where am i going. where is this going. when will my jumped train stop flying through the air and crash and burn. or maybe it already has and im a ghost hovering at the crash scene, unable to recognize im dead, unable to leave, to move on. thats what i feel like. a solid ghost. cold from the emptiness, burning from the flames.
each day is passing, im moving with each day, but feeling like im leaving pieces of me behind with each passing night. until i truly become the nothing i feel.
please, i pray to feel. i pray for a desire, a passion. a care that is sustained. no more of these different attitudes.
crying, trying to stay focused, now just getting silly from lack of sleep.
my body is slowly slowly degenerating. make it stop. because i dont care enough to. please help me find myself. a self. that wnts to sleep and live, not to eat and bury and scream.
i still enjoy warmth. i still enjoy cold. heaven forbid these pleasures leave me.
they say happiness is the erradication of all wants. the removal of desire.
ive lost my desire. and i am not happy. i am lost, i feel dead. i feel like i am wandering in a technicolor purgatory. like everything is real around me,but im not supposed to be here. im present, but disconnected.
i feel sick, ill. wait, i thought i didnt feel. well, at least i notice something now.
this change of mind, this alteration of state is fucked up. one minute despairing, the next noticing a title of a book and dreaming about palaces.
just take me away. this sounds spoiled and surly and pettish, but just take me away and either end it or give me a draught that enlivens my soul and enlightens my mind. please.
frusterated but grateful for heaters. hate sounding childish and petty. but thats pretty much me right now. AGH.

Friday, October 9, 2009

11:36 bedroom

THe fatal nature of the disease. Is it because it is cunning? Because it lulls you into a false sense of security? Is that the trap I am falling prey to now? I feel the return of a sense of magic tonight. The warmth of the house, all of us present, including an old friend, celebrating mum's milestone birthday of 50 years. 50 years. Hard to imagine what I will be like at that time, but not hard to imagine being 50. I feel in this moment that it will come soon. But 28 years is more than i have lived yet.
I know I cannot retreat from OA. But I think the rigidity might be a leash rather than a lead. I think the reins make me strain against them and dig my heels in, rather than give me guidance and direction. It is all uncertain. Everything. Perhaps this is the magic. The uncertainty. That anything can happen. But that what seems unremarkable might have the strongest impact of all. I need goals. I need to make goals. Some concrete, tangible actions to take and something to look forward to. A budget. A strengthened eating plan, tight against leaks, that I will want to follow. I need to truly follow my heart. Not follow dreams I feel I should dream. But chase dreams I want to dream, I actually dream. Not force myself into a mold, but let myself flow into the mold that I will become, if I just take it day by day, and 'be' that day as it feels right. OA has always made me slightly uneasy, but has given me much that i cant take for granted. A burgeoning sense of self, an awareness of the possibility of a higher power, an understanding of the myriad of layers involved in emotions and personality, and the complexity of relationships with others. OA has given me the means to plumb the depths of my being, to recognize and begin to learn about and try to understand my soul, and how it connects to the universe. OA has given me confidence, and is teaching me about forgiveness, acceptance and humility. I cannot forsake it now. But I think I need to restructure my interchange with it. To not look at it as a prison, but a hospital. And maybe something better. But for now, a hospital. A place where I can understand my sickness and begin to heal from it. Dad called today, upset about Jim selling grandpa's truck to buy a mustang. In honor of Shaun, he says. But its not Shaun's car, Dad retorts angrily. That went to the bitch of a girlfriend he had. A frustrating situation, a common interchange. Two sides of one coin. As my core family strengthens, I lose the peripheral. Or lose the interest in keeping up appearances. Our family, we said, would be stronger, would be tighter. Well, not so far. The textured surface of my wall seems alive like the rough skin of an elephant. Pale yellow and shadows of grey. Here I am, sitting, alive. In my very small, infinitely small piece of the universe. So much we don't know. A new species of primate has been identified and news headlines claim our story now has to be re-written. I wonder how much of our story should be re-written. Everything really is relative. So why do I worry so much. I have to let go of the perfection. To simply embrace the moment, for whatever it is, whatever its worth. And if im dissatisfied, deal with it, or change my perception or actions. Missed Sarah's party tonight. I would have one out if I wasn't so tired. But, though I overate a very large amount, I don't feel bad about the evening. The fatal nature of our disease. How it tears apart our relationships. Ourselves. Our souls. It blocks our connections to anything. Leaves us in a fog of denial. And pushes our bodies to harmful limits. Diabetes, cholesterol, joints, heart. Problems to solve. I have problems to solve. I have 3 contacts to make at the red cross. I have ideas to come up with for the diversity committee. I feel the need for values and visions for these projects as much as I do for anything. But perhaps I need to "ready, fire, aim!". Take jumps and then flap my arms to a landing. Grateful for a intelligent, thoughtful, provoking, challenging, witty, weak, loving mother. Grateful for God. Im not sure where that came from, but it came from somewhere.

12:23 bedroom

a sunset of tropical proportions; coral clouds and azure sky. "I have had this"
im afraid. of falling into obscurity. of being obscure. boring.
so i wrote last night, after I posted.
...
the eternal question, is 'why'. why are we doing this, going around and around, when we are all going to die anyway. i read every day, an affirmation from a prayer book, a different reason for recovery, for living, for life. but it just doesnt seem to hit home. i explained to a friend tonight that being 'in the food' was like being shrouded in a cloud. and once that cloud lifts, say after a few days of abstinence, i find myself not in clear or light, but in darkness. not an evil or a 'bad' place, but a darkness that is what darkness symbolizes. fear and uncertainty. fear of the future. uncertainty about everything. who i am, what my place is, the world, the universe. i am adrift, not misdirected, but having no direction, grasping at something i cant name, cant describe. so i go back to the food, because it gives me a purpose. as bad as it is, as frustrating as it is, it is a challenge and that challenge gives my life meaning. it, binging and restricting/obsession with food, is a self-destroying force, but at the same time it keeps me engaged. a ferocious engagement, of chaos. but it has held me down for so long, i don't like the floating sensation of freedom when im released from it. i feel lost in the disease. i feel...nothing without it. distraught, aimless, almost another kind of hopeless.
why do I go through the motions of daily life? i think on one hand its a comfort, especially to my compulsive behavior. i think its a hope, for the part of me that has faith that i will come to a place of serenity, eventually, in that misty future. and also, to be honest, a part of the motions is simple vanity, because as much as the scales of my previous values and assumptions are starting to shed, i am still very much ingrained in a culture and society that values white teeth and silky hair and skinny muscles. so i brush my teeth and wash my hair and exercise. however, the reasons behind these are all changing. i brush my teeth because i like the fresh taste of mint. i wash my hair because a clean scalp helps me think sharper (as weird as that sounds, my head is very sensitive), and i exercise because i feel a connection to myself, a joy in motion, a reveling in the miracle of the human body.
but still, its not deep enough. i dont care. because i dont have to. my basic needs are taken care of. i am loved. i am provided for. so i dont have to provide for myself.
in our staff meeting today, our CEO gave a great anecdote about the success rate of climbers on Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania (or Kenya? excuse my geography skills). That those who climbed on days with cloud cover had a much less chance of actually reaching the summit, while those who climbed on days without fog almost always reached the top. those who could see their goal, their direction, their path, who knew where they were going and what they were trying to attain, those people succeeded. those whose vision was blocked did less so.
the program works on faith. blind faith. act as if, they say, act as if. but i am a person who needs direction, i need a goal. i have struggled with this my entire life. its very difficult for me to find the motivation unless i understand why im doing it. or, generally in the past, i was pleasing someone by doing it. now, i care a lot less about what most people think. im still influenced, because ive been cultivated for the past 23 years to compare myself against fellow students, co-workers, neighbors. but now i need more. i need deeper. i survive. i need a reason to thrive. otherwise i think the first action will be in jeopardy.
3 years ago a needle injected ink into my thigh, a walking tiger, staring directly out from my body, with steady eyes. she is my strength and my courage, and i told myself that because i had her with me, i would never take my own life. because i could always dedicate it to another. but if that dedication, that service is empty, without heart...does it make it worthwhile?
i am not suicidal, just very thoughtful. right now, its hard for me to imagine myself eating breakfast tomorrow morning, working in the office in the afternoon, having dinner with my family for my mum's 50th birthday. but it will all happen, i will go through the motions.
hope. i am blessed with hope. so maybe i can hold onto that as a marker of faith. as a marker that something out there is telling me to keep searching.
watched a documentary tonight called "The Beautiful Truth", told in a story book/biographical fashion about a young boy from Alaska who investigates the relationship between diet and disease. a very interesting, powerful film, sometimes a bit heavy on the conspiracy theories, but recommended none the less. the ending is beautiful and reaching. i played the last few minutes a couple times to get it written down:
"
for each of us eventually whether we are ready or not someday it will come to an end
there will be no more sunrises no minutes hours or days
all the things you collected weather treasured or forgotten will pass to someone else
your wealth fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance
it will not matter what you owned or owed
your grudges resentments frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear
so too your hopes, ambitions, plans and to do lists will expire
the wins and loses that once seemed so important will fade away
it wont matter where you came from or on what side of the tracks you lived at the end
it wont matter if your beautiful or brilliant
even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant
so what will matter how will the value of your days be measured
what will matter is not what you bought but what you built
not what you got but what you gave
what will matter is not your success but your significance
what will matter is not what you learned but what you taught
what will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice
that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example
what will matter is not your competence but your character
what will matter is not how many people you knew but how many will feel a lasting loss when your gone
what will matter is not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you
a life lived that matters is not of circumstance but of choice"

A life lived...
I will keep reaching...
I will keep searching.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

11:57 bedroom

Good and evil do not befall men without reason. Heaven sends them happiness or misery according to their conduct.- Confucius
think i would like to debate all sides of this...
read an article last night from Dr. Susan Jeffers about 'embracing uncertainity' and thought there were many good excerpts from it. Including affirmations of "i wonder" and "whatever happens, i'll handle it!". whatever happens, up and down, sideways and diagonal, backwards and forwards, ILL HANDLE IT!. Some other goodies:
"Heroes to me are people who have created much good in this world as a result of horrible experiences in their lives. A few heroes come to mind: Christopher Reeve, who created so much good as a result of his paralyzing accident; Viktor Frankl, who created so much good out of his experience in a concentration camp; Ram Dass, who created so much good as a result of his debilitating stroke; Marc Klaas, who created so much good after the murder of his daughter. As you collect heroes, you understand this important thought: "If they can learn and grow from their experiences, I certainly can learn and grow from mine!" As you collect your heroes, your trust grows and your worry about the future gets smaller and smaller."
"constantly remind yourself "I can learn from this." When you can see the opportunities inherent in all situations, good or bad, it truly helps you embrace all the uncertainty in your life."
"It sounds ridiculous, but we actually have to train ourselves to notice all the beauty in our lives. And train ourselves, we must... because focusing on the blessings is an absolute necessity for diffusing our fears about the future."
"A suggestion: As you go about your day, stop for a moment and notice when something wonderful happens. Then say to yourself while still in the glory of the moment, "I have had this." This is the acknowledgment that "No matter what happens tomorrow, I have had this today." It is in the noticing of the little things that you truly get the feeling of a life well-lived... that wonderful hot shower, that kiss from a loved one, the fact that your car started, that great dinner you are eating, the warm rays of the sun"
"Positive action has an amazing effect on our psyche. As we take action, we begin to feel more powerful and our fear about the future decreases considerably. Keep repeating to yourself: "My life has meaning and I will do whatever I can to make this a better world."Then ask yourself, "What am I called to do?" Make a list of what comes to mind, and begin taking action. When you remember that your life has meaning, it makes it so much easier to push through the fear and live a life that matters. And your self-esteem grows and grows. Just as importantly, you will have found the secret of creating a joyous and fulfilling life.As you make these tools a part of your daily life, you experience a whole new sense of purpose and power emerging from within, and you look forward to the future with an attitude of great possibility -- for yourself and for your world."
....
Slipped tonight; after a very slow day at work, a day that felt like it had no direction. And ultimately no meeting. Think that truly made all the difference. Will be going to the 7:30 tomorrow. And I feel safer already, just by commiting to that. I really need to do some reading too, but the past few days were so busy and i just wanted to watch tv. Unfortunately, that also included eating. But, i need to remind myself, as soon as you stop, i can choose to be abstinent again. And I do. Even if i don't truly feel how it can help, I pray for the faith. And continue to eat breakfast the next day, as mentally painful as it seems. God, I am making progress, I have slipped a little today. I started jumping in puddles, then found myself mired in the mud. I pray for faith, so I can believe fuller in myself and the future and the love of the universe. I do question it all, that there can be a good way amid all the chaos and danger. But I ask for faith. I wasn't feeling much of anything today, and not going to a meeting was another stumbling block. And 3 days of abstinence let me flirt with food for hours after dinner. Exercised, but waves of incredible anxiety and frustration near the end, when I couldn't stop hitting my hands against each other in one of the kickboxing moves. Just now a burst of sadness, helplessness, now again. LIke a cork was just shot out of a bottle, and the contents are ready to be poured. But they are still inside, I cant feel enough to let them dump out.
"Keep a green tree alive in your heart and a songbird may come to sing there."- Chinese Proverb
this is a wonderful quote and I will hold it in my heart. I will nurture the tree inside of me with love, hope, faith, and wonder and pray for the patience to wait for a songbird to fly my way, to fly my way and lift up my heart with serenity and joy.
Right now I feel anger. And helpless in the face of vastness. Vast change. I feel so little. I am a piece of the universe, and the universe is the sum of its parts, so even if i dont feel important or necessary or worthy, there may be a part i play in the vast scheme, the big picture, that i can never hope to comprehend, but that i will come to know I play. i take part in something bigger than myself by simply living. And I can enjoy that living more by embracing that bigger thing, a higher power. And i pray to have faith that that higher power is a guiding spirit, is loving, and will show me to love and serenity and fullfillment.
I feel the need for action, for excitement. But at the same time, I feel i need structure and habit. Just want to shout and swear...at...nothing, really. just to get it out.

Monday, October 5, 2009

10:52 computer room

Been a while since i've written in here after an abstinent day. two down, rest of my life to go...
;)
laughter, gotta smile, at the little, stupid imperfections.
its amazing how hair can change a person's face, just noticed a picture of my brother with a mop on his head, while now he's sporting a cleaner buzz.
Hectic morning, getting myself and meals together, and then cleaning up my spilled dinner and packing it again. Engaged at work, lots of small personal errands to occupy my time, besides legitimate occupations. Picked up a gift certificate for one friend's birthday then a nice hour with a another at her studio. Chatted away the hour, and noticed that she is different, in her demeanor. Seems more cautious, more uncertain. Which is very interesting. She has always appeared as extremely put together and very aware of her self-worth, though underneath she was a tight rope waiting to snap...which has happened occasionally. I wonder if that wire is loosening, and she is allowing herself to let go of some control. Will have to ask her about it.
A meeting after, still feel a bit off with my shares. Like im not coherent with my ideas, or that my ideas themselves are fluffy. Tomorrow I go to the inter-group meeting as a rep, which I am looking forward to, a change, a shake up, a challenge.
home to chaos, on the surface level. Chaos, because I made it out to be chaos. The dirty dishes really do get to me. Its just not that hard, and its a matter of respect to each other. I get upset because the lack of action I equate to lack of caring. And I struggle with lack of caring enough, not to have to worry about everyone else not caring. Which is my catch-22. I have to let go of that controlling other peoples thoughts, actions and emotions. But then what, live in a pigsty?? Or maybe I have to lower my expectations. A reading about that today, to keep high sights but 'easy does it' along the path. If I make too high expectations for myself, I also make them for others, and when they don't come through, I feel let down. But I have no direct control over others. I can share with them my thoughts and feelings, but I can't control theirs.
i have come some distance, and I have to acknowledge this. Another young woman mentioned this in the meeting, how a year ago, the month of October 2008 was complete insanity. And here she is, 12 months later, abstinent and functioning. Time, progress not perfection, on day at a time.
A year ago I was lost. I knew something had to be done but I wasn't sure where to find the 'solution'. I figured there must be an answer. I am coming to accept myself for who I am, whoever and whatever that may be. I am coming to have patience, with myself, with the world, slowly with the universe. I am coming to have faith. And I think this is the largest miracle of them all. because this has changed my entire outlook. This has given me and sustained in me hope. I am starting to nurture my relationships, because I am beginning to let go and let God nurture me. I am beginning to nurture myself because I am coming to have a faith in God. A faith that the energy of the universe is a loving higher power and will guide me to where i need to go, where I need to be. I am working at a fulfilling, promising work place where I can feel fulfilled if I apply myself. I am learning many things, including where my boundaries of control lie. I can't control many things, but I can control when and how I take action, how I respond. I don't have to react. I can let go, and let God and come to have faith in Love's great power of healing and support. I am wanting to come to believe in the magic of the universe. I am willing. And actually, that may be the biggest change of all. I am willing, I am praying for faith.
Grateful for an abstinent day and night.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

6:34 bedroom

We cannot hold a torch to light another person’s path without brightening our own.
- Ben Sweetland
Just another nudging reminder to let go of control and to put myself first. Learning every day. Living just for today.

Will be home late tonight, after DJ set downtown, so am writing a few lines now. A beautiful fall day, cool but with a warm, bright sun. Road cleanup in the am, then walked around Salmon Days with the siblings in the afternoon. Drove back into town to go to a meeting, but the building was closed, probably because it was surronded by the festival. Not a loss though, back home and begin to read the Big Book, with mum. Very tired, baby slept for a few minutes- that sleep where you just collapse in whatever position you are in, your jaw hangs open and when you wake, you wake with a jerk of your head. Short call to my sponser, who is traveling on the east coast. still dont feel completely myself talking to her, but I think this is okay, maybe the situation calls for it. A chance for me to understand myelf better, learn why I am not freely open. It could just be a personality thing. But also I tend to get non-chalant when talking seriously about only my own problems. I think if I approached it as; that I was talking about my emotions and issues as a discussion rather than a confidence, it would make the conversation smoother...
Slight headache. My vision starting to become clearer, after only this short amount of time. Hopefully get a massage this week. Got a free back exam at the fair, and they gave me a recommendation for a full visit, free of charge including x-ray, as long as I bought a massage. Usually don't like those tit-for-tat schemes but, hey, massage for 20$, YES please :)
I pray for faith. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I pray to completely release my life into your care, your guidance. I am grateful for a nurturing home, even with the problems I have with it. Love.

12:35 bedroom

Dear Body,
Please forgive me for the years of abuse I have done to you. The amount of harassment I have used would never be tolerated in any other situation, if another person to me, or me to another person. Yet here I tear down my own host, one of the parts of my being, a third of my entity. And without wholeness of each part, there is little chance of true integrity.
I am sorry for the amount of food I forced in you. I am sorry for the amount of food I withheld. And I am sorry for punishing you with exercise when my mind felt weak.
However, Body, we have a disease. And so part of my actions were beyond my control. And secondary actions, such as isolation, seemed like I was incapable of resisting.
I am beginning to understand the truth. That I do have a disease. But that I can do actions, I can take steps to alleviate the symptoms, and move beyond it. I have learned I need to let go of control. I admit I am powerless over food, and that my life has become unmanageable, because I was destroying you, as well as stagnating my mind and suffocating my soul. But I have learned, and am strengthening my belief, in a stronger power that can relieve me of my anger, my sadness. A stronger, higher power, which has a path for me and is guiding me towards a better future. The power is all through the universe, the power of collective energies combined, and it is Love. A loving energy, a guiding spirit. And everything is a part of it, if we so choose to open up and listen. Seen and unseen. Mind, angels, emotions… I am coming to believe physical and intangible are all interconnected.
Body, let us work, play, pray and live together. Though a positive action, exercise has been used in a negative manner, when in partnership with the insanity of the disease. But I feel truly, exercise is a freedom. It is a spiritual act, letting my energy build and release. It will take time, but together lets untangle physical movement from perverse body image and expectations. Let us use it to boost our spirit and clear our mind. And strengthen you, for the peace of the moment, for the challenges ahead.
I need abstinence to connect to myself, to my higher power, to the Universe, to embrace Love, to feel God and be open to its guidance. I also need abstinence for you. For you are my host, my lover till the end of my days, and I have treated you with ill will in the past. Please, let us forgive each other, for I have been angry all at you for having this disease, though it is emotional and spiritual as well. Let us forgive, and work together, to open ourselves completely to Love. To be guided into our future.
I pray for faith to help me take action. I pray for faith to help me believe I will be taken care of. I pray for faith to respect you, Body.
Thank you for your unconditional love and support. I hope to now offer you the same in return.
Love,
You, Me, Us. For we are a part of each other that can never be separated.
...............................
I can, and will, act as if the 12 steps of OA will help me lead a spiritual life and guide me into and strengthen my faith in God. and through the 12 steps, and my faith in the universe, i can, and act as if, i beleive i will find a purpose and a meaning of life, and that then i will also find a purpose and meaning of my life, because i will understand how my life integrates with that of all life. instead of feeling like an empty box with stickers and things all over the outside, i will feel whole and integrated. im not sure what metaphor to use yet because i do not know what this will look like. i can, and will, act as if the OA program of abstienence, fellowship, and spirituality will help me find meaning and purpose in life, and myself. or vice versa. that i will eventually wake up each day with a sense of humility, wonder and conviction. not with a sense of unease or dread. but that even if i am in trying circumstances, i will still wake with a strong faith in the universe. maybe the point of life is to rise above suffering, whatever guise afflicts you. maybe the point of love is to help you on your journey. help you open yourself up to the universe. the universe doesn't want you to suffer. that is what im told anyway. i will listen. maybe this is part of the plan, to rise above suffering. if that were so, we all suffer, one way or another. and so then it is in that shared suffering we can kind commonality and kinship and strength. those who have come before me share their wisdom. they say, keep coming back, keep working the program. it is not humble of me to ignore that. despite my misgivings about life itself. my beef is with life, not the program. so i shouldnt turn my back on that. i will act as if. because i can. an image. of me in a small one room ochre colored mud house. it is cool inside. there are no furnishings in my direct gaze out the doorway. i wear a plain linen or cotton shift. there is sand outside. and a blue ocean beyond. the sun shines bright and hot and a breeze blows. i am plain, i am simple, i am at peace. i am more than at peace, i am content. with water, and wind, and sunshine. serenity.

"The direction of your focus is the direction your life will move. Let yourself move toward what is good, valuable, strong and true.""The things that fill your awareness are the things that will fill your life and your world. So expand your awareness beyond your own concerns and toward the best of what can be.""Look up and look confidently toward the highest vision you can imagine. The moment you do, you're on your way there."

On Loss and Grief: "Give yourself a lot of space. When you lose someone you love, parts of you go crazy. Your emotions go on a rollercoaster. Let them go crazy. Cry when you need to cry, laugh if you share a funny memory. Listen to your body and let your emotions take you where you are...Let the people around you know what you need...Know that you are most likely going to want different things each day—sometimes each hour, and that is okay; it’s part of the process. Communicate...Grief, when trapped in the body, has the potential to create sickness. It can also heighten grief and push you into a deeper depression. Movement of the body helps “unstick” your grief...Try to allow yourself times of relief by doing something you enjoy...There is also something healing about trying new experiences when you are vulnerable because it can bring a form of diversity that helps you focus on something besides your pain. It won’t take away the pain away, but it will give your heart a break and give you a taste of peace amidst the storm...Honor the memory...Read about it...It’s comforting to read about someone who understands what you are feeling."

Saturday, October 3, 2009

12:56am bedroom

The moon was a beacon tonight, blindingly brilliant, and the fog draped the treetops like a heavy mantle, and the roads like a ghostly bridal veil. so beautiful, so other worldly.
could have had something to do with the fact that I was watching Brothers Grimm before i started the drive home from a babysitting gig. realized when i got home, i left my grey bag of 12 step books there. unfortunate inconvenience.
every time i over eat, i move farther away from myself. deeper into the cushion of the mental fog. right now i feel tired, torn, but slightly numbed. was granted a reprieve from the desire, but didn't take action to follow up on the love of the universe. so i munched buttery popcorn with the kids then shoved candy in my mouth after they went to bed.
would like a meeting tomorrow. but also want some time to coalesce. the morning to be alone. because its hard for me to do that at night. tough call. if the meeting was an hour later, life would be perfect ;)
work is busy, which is nice. life is busy, which is nice. but i think i need a time out, a time to gather myself.
will sleep on it, and wake with a decision.
thank you god, for your love. thank you universe, for your existence. thank you for the chance to live my life. thank you love, for surrounding me. i would be lost without you.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

11:10 bedroom

its patience. takes patience to see the miracles. like saving a piece of writing given to you in high school because it holds something special for you. then 5 years later giving passing it on to your brother. who, who knows, might find some inspiration in it and use it in his life. or pass it on to someone else who might...
the possibilities are endless. the results may never be known. but if i am open, if i listen, i can hear whispers, see glimers of wings, flashes of lights.
memories are coming to me. emotions of the past. but i have to be open. i have to be willing. i have to surrender to the universe to be able to hear it. its always talking- i just have to shut my mouth and pay attention. by letting go.
a firm hand on the bathroom counter, a strong voice in my head. my own voice, but reason coming from somewhere deep inside, a light shining, a light connected to the stars. i believe. i believe in the magic inside me. i want to open it, to feel like im blooming. but i also want the pleasure from eating. and with one's voice comes the other's silence.
my sides are sore, from my muscles trying to contain the volume of my stomach. but love helped me stop. there is always a stop, but this stop was strong, and firm. i am humble, i am grateful.
and yet even as i wonder in the spiritual experience i just encountered, so do i have fear that that love will leave me. a fear of abandonment. i have to remind myself, it is always there. always speaking, reaching out. i just have to listen and let go of my hold on the disease and reach out to meet it. let go of the log and reach for the shore. slowly but surely. progress not perfection.
many of these thoughts and ideas have been stated and repeated, but i think that is a lesson of the program. a way we understand things.
i want to live in a house of magic. a beautiful house of love and wonder. design is beauty and magic and love to me. i want to live in a house of design. maybe i can start with this room.
but to fully realize my dreams, i thought this as i was eating and reading a book about the ancient figure Memmnon, i have to reach for them. if i want to ride a horse, i have to take action. i have to go to bed. i have to sit, to lay with myself. i have to pray to god to embrace me and guide me. i have to let go.
I had a thought the other night, about curiosity, creativity and choice. that these are the burdens and beauties of life. they are aspects and themes of amazing and awesome proportions. with them, we walk the line between destruction and creation. walking the line, between fascination and fear- between everything, really.

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."- Japanese proverb

"We only go around once. There's really no time to be afraid. So stop. Try something you’ve never tried. Teach it. Do it. Risk it."- Jon Blais

Last night I went to a Mariner's game with co-workers and had a very good time, lots of laughter, but felt myself growing tired and disinterested by the end. but pushed by the wind of angel's wings into the safety of the shower and into bed, so grateful for that. and grateful for the embodiment of strength in my soul tonight, to stop me from continuing my overeating.
i am pained but i forgive. and i hold hope in my chest like a grain of sand in a clamshell.
grateful for small successes.
i am fearful of tomorrow night's babysitting job, because i have always overeaten on their candy in the past. i will bring my literature, and make outreach calls during the day and see if they can text me at night, and just pray pray pray. and love. to take the place of emptiness, of lonliness that usually accompanies me on those outings.
thank you god for being with me, for staying with me. i really want to experience the high on sunday, but i feel the block against it. i cant commit yet. please have patience with me.