Monday, May 10, 2010

11:07 computer room

Tired is the root of the darkness. Fatigue and drain of mind, body and or spirit. I need to rest and recharge and reconnect. Every day. When I feel the energy of my core begin to shake and move away from the center, dissipate along my nerves and arteries and shake my foundations. If i ignore the warning signs, I then isolate and withdraw, from everything- myself, others, a greater connecting force. And I eat.
Tonight was a full binge. Realization in the middle and continuation with the goal of oblivion, numbness. Started around 4:00 when I was tired. Thought about not going to drum class. RED LIGHT. Positive actions as this point could have been a rest or a walk. Decided to not go and instead ate a good snack, did some errands then came home. Rested for a bit with the parents, then decided to have dinner, even though I wasn't hungry and was still tired. RED LIGHT. mum called to me to eat up in her room with her and I refrained to read the news while i ate. RED LIGHT. continued to eat, after a pause. Ignored lucas. had paltry conversation with guy.
Pause. Breath. Rest/Recharge. Reconnect. Eat meals with self/people, not glowing screens or leafy pages.
Frustrated with emotions. Stalled progress. But each day is a lesson, is a blessing, is a gift. Tonight I re-realized my need for present awareness. Of thoughts, of fears, of actions. Body image coming back into play. Whirlpool of emotions with new man. Been absent from the steps and the fellowship. Make a connection, everyday. Relax, let go, easy does it. Please guide me Spirit of the universe, let me let me move my feet. I am willing. I am grateful for your love. I am grateful to be alive.

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