Monday, May 3, 2010

11:33 computer room

The old cravings, chocolate and sugar, are still as strong as ever when the obsession gets at its worst. Needing that spike of pleasure before the numbness before the pain. Its still amazing to me how much I can eat at one sitting as well. Compared to normal meal times where I have to split the meals because I get full before the plate is finished. I am going to write what I ate tonight because otherwise I dont think I realize how serious this addiction still is. Coleslaw, meatbeancheesechili, toast, chicken stew, peas...multiples bread (4+), blueberry muffin, nuts, multiple cereal, apple, gummy vitamins. Concern for others is growing but is pushing against an unforgiving wall of self-centeredness and selfish fear.
I think I need to begin again at the beginning, with step 1. A new love interest has shaken me up for the past few weeks, and for that time I was using his attention as a substitute for the mental obsession and physical craving. An exact substitute. I had uneasy misgivings about my actions towards him, and I think those misgivings were well founded now that I realize how much he was a replacement. Also a sadness because I feel a connection and interest in him that I can't explain otherwise, besides a natural infatuation and fondness. Which makes it more sorrowful that it comes to this- the first two nights I have disagreeable relations with him, I binge.
Life is changing, and I need to change with it.

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