Sunday, September 19, 2010

rainstorms and vcr plugs

so without a determined pattern of behavior (what to expect in the function and form of my lifestyle and expected ways of how to deal with those ways - even in my anxiety and fear of was the same anxiety and fear over and over again...), i lose my sense of balance< i become unstrung and my pieces spread out, so that im not really sure what sequence of actions and attitudes to use for any response; for an old trigger or something new. im in a different house, same climate. new scenery, more or less the same routines (making time bend around whatever I want to happen), new people, same me. right? am i still me? here I am, moving on with my life, sort of, moving around place to place with my new boyfriend, very new, only 3 months. where did this come from? is it a test? what is the question? "Can you hold onto your values, your sense of self, your the face of great love?" what kind of test is that?! there has to be a flip side to this, this has to be a trick question... . i think we are two tortured souls, his for his nature facing the world, mine for the world facing my nature. he is realistic, i am optimistic. he is solid, i am fluid. i am emotional right now, and i think it has to do with an oncoming period. fucking hormones. rose colored glasses that make you high, or tear you down by breaking up your mind against your body and your spirit against your mind. i feel so confused, like ive woken up from a coma and im supposed to know what color red is and what is blue, yet i just cant grasp them. i can see how there might be tension quickly in this scenario. he has trouble sleeping, i want to go to bed. i stay up with him and am on the same schedule then feel resentful. i go to bed, then get up early and start my stuff and feel resentful. so i guess its a matter of releasing into humility and compassion and doing some stretching. i really am not sure what actions to take, or attitudes. as far as in response to his emotions. i can tjust let mine come. i have to conciously think about what i should be feeling, because sometimes i dont really feel anything. never been in this before. with another soul, moving around with them. couldnt find book bag in car, afraid my text book was left with my yellow car, an hour and half away in portland. word well starting to dry up, will go lay down a while in his mum's bed, then maybe try the guest bedroom if that doesnt work. thank you for life, thank you for love, please i pray for strength and courage to search and listen each day for the path of serenity and love. i pray for the strength and courage to live humbly and with compassion. <3

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