Friday, April 19, 2013

[p.s. blogger is being all weird, and if I don't use a color behind the bottom portion of this post it looks like a bottle of white-out was spilled on the text]

Yesterday, I lived a vision. Felt a paradigm shift. I was a rock - a grey, dull, cold stone in the empty black cavern of my abdomen. Through visualization, I metamorphosed into a dancing multicolor energy field in an expansive, bright golden-yellow meadow under the dome of a deep, bright blue sky.

This is the letter I wrote to the woman I think of as my "spirit guide" and refer to as "counselor lady":


Thank you for the clarity that yesterday brought. I woke up today and felt a feeling of being "up to the challenge" instead of "drudging through". Already seeds of excitement, hope and vision for the future are pushing out the cynicism. It was really powerful to acknowledge my truth and not be afraid of it. And to let it take me where I am supposed to go, on whatever path that will be. The experience of connecting with a future version of myself - one that was confident, full of energy and even a bit mischievous - (things I haven't felt in a long while) was inspiring. It reminded me of what I have felt like before, and that I can feel that way again. 


This is what I felt like beforehand, going into the session:

I have felt the joy and sense of freedom that can come from abstinence. But in this time, whatever I have been trying to shove down with food is surfacing and I realize I need help. The cycle of compulsive eating and exercising was my purpose in life. It demanded all my attention, and everything else was relative to it. It was a  way of managing anxiety and fears of the futility of life. 

Now, I feel bouts of anger followed by sadness and then periods of grey. There is this sensation that a ceiling is in my head, and continually pressing down on my brain. I am tired all the time. I feel disconnected from people and events around me: like I am seeing them, but not a part of them. It has been suggested that I ask about anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications. I feel like I am wearing cynical tinted glasses that show me my previous dreams and aspirations as fantasies. Fantasies that are unrealistic and unattainable. My perspective of and attitude towards my current situation is choking my spirit and my heart. 

With food...for the first time in my life, I feel disinterested in it. It's not working. Its not helping me cope. Where do I go from here? what do I do? OA is interesting and giving service pulls me out of isolation and into the "stream of life". I feel a force that is pushing me to reach out to everything and anything that can help. It is both a Need and a Want (!) to soak up support. 

Change is happening/has happened. The food I put into my body is "cleaner". I try to eat more natural and attempt intuitive eating, listening to what my body wants. Spinach for breakfast? Okay, why, that was delicious! Also with exercise, listening to the intelligence of my cells instead of the impetus of my ego. The loose structure of "3 meals, 2 snacks if needed" has proven flexible enough but also gives me some boundaries to stay within. This is progress not perfection. Distraction (from eating) and extension (of eating a meal) are common occurrences. But replacing breads and sugars with whole fruits and vegetables...I really have to stop and check in and realize how much more "together" my body feels, even if other changes are taking place in my mind and spirit. When I do overeat, eating more nuts, plain yogurt and fruit does not destroy my body like bread products did. There is less recovery time. Also, over time, with practice, letting go has become a viable choice that I can turn to. Instead of over exercising. Instead of pounding myself into the dirt. Instead of cleaning the whole house like a mad woman. I write about it. Then go to bed. Miracle of miracles. Just writing this out is filling me with a sense of awe at where I am and where I have come from. I would recommend it. Sit down and write with the intention of identifying where you are now, and from where you have come. Focus on the changes. 

No comments:

Post a Comment