I've been lying. By omission. Not telling the whole story, keeping parts of the picture covered. Had to burst the bubble of guilt sloshing around inside me. I wrote my sponsor a letter, trying to type out the state of thoughts and feelings I find myself at:
Sending an email first, before calling (tomorrow now, its getting late tonight) because its easier to organize my thoughts through typing than talking. I hope you are doing okay, saw your post in the OA facebook group the other day.
The fear I harbour about being 'one who is incapable of being honest and therefore not able to move forward with the program' has manifested in an idea that the reason I cannot move forward is because I am not ready. I don't know if I will ever be ready. "The grass is always greener" seems to be my constant mantra through my life. I whine that my abstinence is too restrictive then all hell breaks loose when I can eat cereal again. Binged today and yesterday, on grains and sugar. Then exercised after. Not premeditated. But a way for me to feel a measure of stability after chaos. I have A and want B, then cry out for the former when the latter is in my lap.
I think this contrary nature is part of my disease. I want to eat my cake and have it too. But that's not how life works. And I can't seem to accept that, and let my willful ego go. So I'm putting it out there that I don't want to be wasting your valuable time; valuable especially because another sponsee could take my place who is actually ready to do all that is needed to move forward. I guess I'm just not there yet, because I feel like if I was, it would have happened by now.
Going to sleep in a bit, will write on it, pray on it, dream on it and give you a shout to talk about it.