Morning Land

Each part of the day could be considered a different geographical place. Though the times of the day are relative to your personal lifestyle. Morning for one might be 7:30, while for another, 10:30. Random thought. I think this because we can have such different states of mind during the day, some as far away as the US from China. Just reading the daily passage in the Alateen reader, about having a loving relationship with a Higher Power, and realize I almost couldnt remember the wording to Step Two. Starting to think about the faults in others lives and if Ill be able to live through them...versus focusing on myself and what I can change about myself...all i really have are my attitudes and responses. And Love and Gratitude, and a special connection with a greater force and power out there, that can guide me 'home' whenever I open myself up to it...drowning in perfectionist mindsets lately. Trying to let go and let God. Im going to need some support, and hopefully be able to support others as they help me come to an understanding of my sorrows, woes and confusions.

rainstorms and vcr plugs

so without a determined pattern of behavior (what to expect in the function and form of my lifestyle and expected ways of how to deal with those ways - even in my anxiety and fear of emotions...it was the same anxiety and fear over and over again...), i lose my sense of balance< i become unstrung and my pieces spread out, so that im not really sure what sequence of actions and attitudes to use for any response; for an old trigger or something new. im in a different house, same climate. new scenery, more or less the same routines (making time bend around whatever I want to happen), new people, same me. right? am i still me? here I am, moving on with my life, sort of, moving around place to place with my new boyfriend, very new, only 3 months. where did this come from? is it a test? what is the question? "Can you hold onto your values, your sense of self, your convictions...in the face of great love?" what kind of test is that?! there has to be a flip side to this, this has to be a trick question... . i think we are two tortured souls, his for his nature facing the world, mine for the world facing my nature. he is realistic, i am optimistic. he is solid, i am fluid. i am emotional right now, and i think it has to do with an oncoming period. fucking hormones. rose colored glasses that make you high, or tear you down by breaking up your mind against your body and your spirit against your mind. i feel so confused, like ive woken up from a coma and im supposed to know what color red is and what is blue, yet i just cant grasp them. i can see how there might be tension quickly in this scenario. he has trouble sleeping, i want to go to bed. i stay up with him and am on the same schedule then feel resentful. i go to bed, then get up early and start my stuff and feel resentful. so i guess its a matter of releasing into humility and compassion and doing some stretching. i really am not sure what actions to take, or attitudes. as far as in response to his emotions. i can tjust let mine come. i have to conciously think about what i should be feeling, because sometimes i dont really feel anything. never been in this before. with another soul, moving around with them. couldnt find book bag in car, afraid my text book was left with my yellow car, an hour and half away in portland. word well starting to dry up, will go lay down a while in his mum's bed, then maybe try the guest bedroom if that doesnt work. thank you for life, thank you for love, please i pray for strength and courage to search and listen each day for the path of serenity and love. i pray for the strength and courage to live humbly and with compassion. <3

Needy Child

Are what are inside me. What I am. I realize this. I see it, I feel it, I taste touch smell hear myself as a scared child in need of an overwhelming amount of love. I have just started to reconnect with a very terrible dark secret of my past, of which I have allowed only a few memories to survive to surface every now and again. Moments when i retreat and turn to stone to block myself from the pain, the anger, the frustration, the shame, the embarresment and the terrible awful fear, that if someone finds out, I am ruined. Because I am shamed.
I have continued to shame myself over the years of my life, because its the coping mechanism I have developed, a way to protect myself from the fear and hurt someone else inflicted on me. I am a needy child yearning for oceanic proportions of love, because this is when I stopped developing emotionally and began the retreat away from feelings. I have memories of food being comfort from such a young age...little did I understand where they came from, the root of this disorder, that has saved me, and in the process, maimed me.
Sitting across from my brother playing a game of war on his computer, I am in love. With my family, with my friends, with a mate of my soul I could have never imagined, and who is every thing I ever dreamed of. He is kind, generous, witty, disarming with his self deprecating humor, observant, passionate, and deeply loving and dedicated to the relationship between us. There has been banter of husband and wife and babies and children and a life together full of adventure and travel and the best of friendship...
And as this great love opens me up, I see myself begining to cling to it, for life support. As it both protects and lifts me away from my self-defense mechanism against emotions and feeling-out-of-control, itself becomes what it saves me from. Ever so carefully I have to nurture, with the utmost care and thought, our love to be Our Love. Not a stand in for something I have used to hide behind, probably for more than the 5 years I have considered it as my mantle. Probably since I was about 5 years old. And I was sexually abused by another young adolescent. My brow is deeply furrowed and my jaw set as I write this. Recently, last week, I shared this for the first time with another human being. Who held me close and tight and murmured soothing words as I pushed my clenched hands against my scrunched face, and sobbed. Two men played bocce ball on the sand in front of us and behind them the bay of ocean waters gleamed with peaceful energy of pre-sunset light. My chest was so painfully tight and it felt like a huge weight was pressing against me. Then, after a few moments, it was gone- and I felt like a shell. Mouth gaping open slightly, I stared at the objects and colors around me, seeing them and yet unobservant of their tangibility. Sense of me in space returned, and I felt immediately uncomfortable in my own body. Pulling at the ends of my sleves, up over my wrists, over and over, tugging at my skirt, wanting to stand up and keep walking along the cement walking path. I managed to sit a few minutes longer, nervously jittery in conversation about what had just fallen from my lips, torn from my tormented soul. We stood, this dear friend and I, and continued our journey, along the water, back into the city and a Starbucks for welcome hot black brew, sat a while to watch the cotton candy colored sunset sky, a dirty shirtless man with a gilette razor in his back pocket sat on the stairs next to us, decide against catching the bus, step in a grocery store to buy salad supplies, wait in line like life is normal, continue walking to our destination, and seperate. I feel elated at this point, genuinely grateful to have such a person in my life that would listen and accept my deep pain with such mercy, and hope. Before the beach, we had attended an AA meeting, that had me choking back tears at a couple moments in a couple shares. Those who shared sounded heartfelt and sincere about their recovery, and the light at the end of the pain shrouded journey they had taken, and were still walking, with head held high.
I have a blessed life. And I pray to let it glow, let it rage, with as much joy and love as it can ever imagine flowing through it. And to do so, embrace deep pain and conront fears to open myself to pain and terror, must I go through.
This is a first step...a step I would never have thought to take, never have understood I needed to take, unless I had started the 12 steps of a spiritual program through OA. I have fallen wayside from the program and fellowship...and maybe now I understand how much I need spiritual guidance and moral consolation and growth. To be surrounded by people, to share with fellow souls, whatever their demons or sorrows, we are all alike, all connected in our struggles against ourselves. Oceans and bundles and caverns and valleys and starry skies and arms and hands and couches and beds and tables and eyes and ears and mouths full of Love are what we need. So much so much so so so much love. This sounds better in my head than how it looks in repeating black letters on the glowing screen, yet its what I feel deep in my heart. I just watched a little of Young Victoria on streaming video online, so i feel my face as Emily Blunts pondering eyes and brow and closed mouth. Well, if thats what it takes to get this out of myself and onto page, i am better for imitation. Tired eyes and face muscles, hot skin and strained lower back muscles, holding against the stretch of my abdomin, enlarged by an overfull belly. Again and time again, this has happened, will happen again. And each day I learn something new and useful against my retreat, and understand it is futile to harbor resentment against myself. For there will be nothing yet myself, at the end...I go to wash, rest and pray to be a bearer of great Love as well as a deep harbour for the Life it gives. Thank you for my life, Thank you for Love, I pray to lead a compassionate and humble life. Please replace vanity with gratefulness, selfcenteredness with a sense of belonging to something greater, selfishness with a sense of self worth. I pray for Love to fill me, and consume me.

1:55am computer room

GodPower. How do we connect?
Through Love. Through Anger, sometime it feels like it.
Through humbleness.
Through gratitude.
Through thankfulness.
Through whole-hearted caring.
Through unselfish compassion.
Through serene meditation.
Through emptying the mind and opening to mystery, doubt, uncertainty. Opening to the window of the unknown.
Connecting to a deeper self, an older self, a wiser self, a self that has lived through generations and generations, the history and knowledge and wisdom of our genes that have moved in our ancestors, that have move our ancestors.
Through Love.
Love. Great Love. That brings Joy and Sorrow. And connects us to the awesomeness and terrifying beauty of Life.
The Oneness of everything. Everything and Nothing. All connected. All connected. All connected.
Such a mystery. Known mystery. I need to put away my anxiety and Breath. And that is all. To sink into the mystery. To connect with a GodPower. The creator. destroyer. giver. ender. Practice.
Practice. It all takes Practice.
Night.

9:08 computer room

I write.
Today is today, thats all that matters. What has happened today, what have I done, how have I felt, how have I acted.
Rush pour let go fo the fears inside, release, let them out. I don't...Free me off them. I will sit with them and stare and snarl and face them. The deeper the insights the harder the backlash of the fear. The greater the feelings of freedom, the weakest the moments of...fear.
I surrender. I am willing to surrender completely. I need support. I need focus. presence. attention. awareness.
a dive out of an airplane without a parachute tonight. i saw the open door, i went and stood next to it. i fell out. i let myself free fall.
the mental obsession. the physical craving. and im sick. a terrible combination.
i overate tonight like i had never experienced OA or any spiritual guidance. I overate a meal, then I overate on junk food. junk food. chips, cake, ice cream, sauce. thinking about it makes me feel like a cement block. incredulously dense. it was not enjoyable. it was self-destructive. it was beyond insanity, it was a total loss of self awareness. some moments in between, a desperate reach out to reality, but muted and weightless.
i reach out now. to myself. to the universe. to other hearts and minds.
I have compassion, i have humility. i also have selfish directives and self-seeking prerogatives. i pray, i plead, to be consumed by the former and escaped from the latter. i have come to believe in the deep wisdom and deep goodness of me. that makes up who i am.
i know i am without knowledge of my direction or purpose in life. i can have insights and glimpses of larger schemes. and ultimately i probably will die unknowing of my part in the tapestry of life. and i ask, to be released of the bondage of self and pride and vanity. to be released into the world as a dart of light, flitting into dark spaces, glowing with love and hope and understanding.
i pray for spiritual enlightenment. I pray to be guided to strength and courage to face my fears. to know myself better, to have all honesty with myself and others. to know when i am weak, and rest. to know when i am strong, and go forward.
what am i right now...i am defeated. i am tired and ill in my body. my mind is fighting numbness that holds emotional pain at bay. my spirit is empty.
i pray to follow the cure. let go of perfectionism. let go of the need to control. let go of the lust for approval.
patience. I court you. Humour, i nurture you. with poo.
and so the sky darkens again and i am grateful to close my eyes in a warm dry place.
i am overwhelmed by opportunity. i am spoiled. i need to take my responsibilities, as a worker, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, with more gravity and a stronger embrace.
thank you for my life. please, Universe, help me be present for each moment.
thank you for my life, thank you for your love.

11:07 computer room

Tired is the root of the darkness. Fatigue and drain of mind, body and or spirit. I need to rest and recharge and reconnect. Every day. When I feel the energy of my core begin to shake and move away from the center, dissipate along my nerves and arteries and shake my foundations. If i ignore the warning signs, I then isolate and withdraw, from everything- myself, others, a greater connecting force. And I eat.
Tonight was a full binge. Realization in the middle and continuation with the goal of oblivion, numbness. Started around 4:00 when I was tired. Thought about not going to drum class. RED LIGHT. Positive actions as this point could have been a rest or a walk. Decided to not go and instead ate a good snack, did some errands then came home. Rested for a bit with the parents, then decided to have dinner, even though I wasn't hungry and was still tired. RED LIGHT. mum called to me to eat up in her room with her and I refrained to read the news while i ate. RED LIGHT. continued to eat, after a pause. Ignored lucas. had paltry conversation with guy.
Pause. Breath. Rest/Recharge. Reconnect. Eat meals with self/people, not glowing screens or leafy pages.
Frustrated with emotions. Stalled progress. But each day is a lesson, is a blessing, is a gift. Tonight I re-realized my need for present awareness. Of thoughts, of fears, of actions. Body image coming back into play. Whirlpool of emotions with new man. Been absent from the steps and the fellowship. Make a connection, everyday. Relax, let go, easy does it. Please guide me Spirit of the universe, let me let me move my feet. I am willing. I am grateful for your love. I am grateful to be alive.

11:33 computer room

The old cravings, chocolate and sugar, are still as strong as ever when the obsession gets at its worst. Needing that spike of pleasure before the numbness before the pain. Its still amazing to me how much I can eat at one sitting as well. Compared to normal meal times where I have to split the meals because I get full before the plate is finished. I am going to write what I ate tonight because otherwise I dont think I realize how serious this addiction still is. Coleslaw, meatbeancheesechili, toast, chicken stew, peas...multiples bread (4+), blueberry muffin, nuts, multiple cereal, apple, gummy vitamins. Concern for others is growing but is pushing against an unforgiving wall of self-centeredness and selfish fear.
I think I need to begin again at the beginning, with step 1. A new love interest has shaken me up for the past few weeks, and for that time I was using his attention as a substitute for the mental obsession and physical craving. An exact substitute. I had uneasy misgivings about my actions towards him, and I think those misgivings were well founded now that I realize how much he was a replacement. Also a sadness because I feel a connection and interest in him that I can't explain otherwise, besides a natural infatuation and fondness. Which makes it more sorrowful that it comes to this- the first two nights I have disagreeable relations with him, I binge.
Life is changing, and I need to change with it.