Day Six

Sort of like a day zero. Or -1. Yet, there is no backward. Only standstill, and that, only if we choose to create that belief. Everyday I am shaping thoughts and taking actions and Letting Go; they may not be grand accomplishments, but they are there, none the less, and I acknowledge my small accomplishments, and thank my Higher Power for its Love and support. The tools of program are the only thing keeping me from fragmenting right now. I am hovering between sanity and its opposite, my mind kept manageable by the small doses of spiritual guidance I let in, and by practical repetitive motions I can go through, to connect with others and in so, help to stop myself from tumbling down a very deep hole. A very strong wind at my back is doing the rest. I feel like two different parts of me are falling apart and crying, inside. The disease, which knows its time is up; and my spirit, shedding tear in joyous exhalation, and terrified determination. I am grateful for artists who share their ideas through film, print and sound. For people, sharing their humanness, and letting me know its okay to be human myself.

Day Five

I have a sponsor :) Today was up and down, but I fell strong here at the end of hthe evening, though also tired and sore. An interesting meeting this morning, with only one other older lady, until the very end, when another woman joined us for journaling. Successful errand running afterwards. The afternoon and evening could be considered a bust; yet through the squander, I read some interesting science articles, had dinner with mum, and helped Aubrey with her homework and exercised and rinsed. Going to get my breakfast ready for tomorrow, then head to sleep! Woot! Grateful for the fellowship, thankful for an action plan, which I didn't even realize was an action plan. Lost my little green notecard that I had written it on, must find that or make another...Love and Peace for all.

Day Four

Funny how some days, the beginning seems just a blur, shades of mornings past, all conglomerated into a pale swirl of color and motion. Today is Sunday. I woke around 8:30 to use the toilet, then collapsed in bed for three more hours. I'm not sure why I am so tired, so often. Took a slow walk in the woods; I paused as an airplane flew overhead, because something told me to. Transferring my gaze from the sky back to the path, I was startled to notice a tiny spider perched on its tightrope string of a web, a few inches from my face. Being small, I probably, wouldn't have noticed anything, besides its web catching in my face, but there is the possibility it could have gone up my nose, in my mouth, or worse, -well, maybe worse- got stuck in my hair. Thank you, Something. OA M sent me a heartfelt text tonight, wishing and praying for me to invite my Higher Power in my life and for It to grant me abstinence, serenity, joy and hope. A very beautiful message. S had texted me in the woods, but I thought checking my phone sacrilege, so I waited until I returned to the house to call her back. She and her boyfriend were coming through by my way to hike Rattlesnake Ledge; I met them at the park and ride with my white and neon coral ski poles and we were off. A great hike for a warm, overcast weekend afternoon. Home to shower and pee (snapped at mum because she wanted my assistance as soon as I got in the door, which I did, though I should have relieved myself first as to respond with humility and leave the resentments behind). Attempted to go out to dinner, but thankfully mum called ahead while we were in the car and found out the place closed in 20 minutes. Took the next exit, and a backroad back home. A slight alteration on my meal plan dinner was delicious. Watched an anime and a netflix episode, then played a game of crib and watched two shows of the Walton's. Grudgingly helped A with her homework, felt completely rock solid exhausted. Laid on the floor for a while, petting Raskal in front of my mum's bed. Called Shane, and then called N, potentially my new sponsor :) Thinking about what she told me and then calling her back tomorrow, with my confirmation of her sponsorship. 9 months of step work. I know I have to accept my own responsibility in my recovery, yet I also know I need the guidance of one who has gone before me. I pray for the full and complete willingness to this action step, towards serenity of body, mind and soul; towards peace of being. I am grateful for chances, and for the strength and courage to keep taking them. Thankful for Love. Pray for Peace, through all the world.

Day Three

About to collapse into bed. Trot through the woods in the morning, drive under a cloudless blue sky to meeting. Gain insight and peace through the shares and camaraderie. Collect a few more numbers for my phone, including a potential sponsor...:D Will call her tomorrow for a "chat". Meet up with the girls at their apartment, finally meet B's significant other. Nerdier than I expected, but nice eyes and seems like he can carry a decent conversation. To the theater for Bridesmaids; wow. Incredulous laughter throughout. Out into the sunshine again for some manic gas station and traffic maneuvering. Drop B off and head to babysit. A lovely evening and night with the two kiddies, wii battling, scooter-ing and park playing, silly movie watching, and ice cream float partaking of. U2 concert went late for the parents, made some bucks sitting around petting a cat and setting ID ring tones on my phone. Not a bad day, basic but good convo with S and B, walking around Seattle center. Followed the food plan for breakfast and lunch. Brushed my teeth when the kids crashed, and sipped a cup of green tea. Chilly now, and feel a little numb. Grateful for friendly, generous people in this world. Pray to be a friendly, helpful, generous person myself. Love.

Day two

A tough day, but they say the going gets rough before the rough gets going. Somewhere in the night, a strength and sense of determined hope welled up inside me and carried me through the cloak of insanity that I had donned. I feel like I'm living two lives right now, one of a person struggling through recovery, and another of a person not struggling at all, but yielding to the forces of destruction. Deep breaths, some sleep, and lets pray for strength, willingness and courage for tomorrow. Try to Let Go and Release in another day. On a lighter note, I rode a horse today, quite a large one, that was thrilling. A docile creature despite its size, it was none-the-less a wondrous experience. Up close, they almost remind you of dinosaurs; their incredible muscles rippling under their smooth and shiny coats. Their large liquid eyes and ears that twitch with their thoughts, I'm sure. I followed my food plan, on the surface. I am going to bed. Grateful for surrender.

Progress, over perfection

Baby steps move me to my rocket launch. Not a bad first day, and realize I can improve it in many ways. Thankfully, I have tomorrow to build upon the positive actions I took today. Being involved with others is what is going to ultimately save me. By spending time and putting effort into my relationships with friends and family when I have the energy and motivation, I know they are going to be there to poke and prod at me until I respond to them, when I don't feel up to Connection. Same with habits. As long as I push them with fierceness and passion whenever I have an ounce of determination, they will be there to pull me with stubbornness and reliability when sluggishness or apathy rules my ego. I read somewhere that, at the end of the day, if you are going to keep a journal, write only the positive thoughts and actions you took for the day, regardless of how many terrible wrongs occurred or awful setbacks you think you fell into. That way, at the end of a period of time, you can look back and see a continuous trail of progress, and know that you are doing at least Something to move you on your path, where-ever that may be to...
Today; I helped a frustrated older lady change the settings on her new phone. I practiced patience with my mother, focusing on her needs over my discomfort. I made the breakfast, lunch AND dinner that I had planned! I listened to a voice higher than myself and stopped what I was doing to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. Now, there are many points today I could include in here that show the other side of the coin. (Such as snacking between meals, and eating sugar for the rush and release of awareness.) But for purposes of encouragement, I will choose to FOCUS on what I did well. These give me the hope, that maybe, just maybe, I can take another baby step...I feel good tonight. There were moments of fleeting despair, of angsty anger, and bleary blankness. And here I am, alive, not consumed by my emotions, and ready to sleep in preparation for another day.
Grateful for hot water, cold water, and the persistent loving of my mother.

Prologue:

Putting on chap-stick and puttering around before bed, I have decided I need to add one more star to my list of daily DO's. Have a goal, at least one, specific and achievable, every day. Today, my love left my mother's house (where I currently live) for his mother's house, on the Oregon coast. I shall see him again in exactly 20 sleeps, when I shall be about to embark on the last and final week of this June challenge of the year 2011. Yes, I have been watching English history documentaries, which is why the voice in my head and the words coming out of them have the distinctive lilt and cadence of a British academic. Ahem. I have much chaos and topside-turvey turmoil tumbling about in my heart and spirit. My soul is being crushed by the demons of uncertainty and fear. I pray for the strength and courage to find and embrace peace, through- a simpler way of living. Needing less and giving more. I am grateful for a lover, whose absence pushes my dream of us to grander heights in the lack of the real, everyday annoyances we encounter; and allows me complete freedom to hog the bed. Grateful for fresh, available drinking water. Love.

Pocket change necessitates a challenge.

Its been 7ish months since I last clicked and clacked around here. What has changed? What has stain? What has polish? I am firmly established in my relationship with Shane. Not so much my higher power. And so, a four week challenge to myself, 28 day course to better my spiritual, mental and physical energy and aura. I'm poor, and have the time now, what more could I ask for? Otherwise I will sit around my parent's house all day, drowning in mindless screen watching and eating, and feeling guilty, useless and paranoid.
.....
*Spiritual: 28 meetings, in 28 days. Connect with one friend/family member every day. One random, anonymousness act of kindness every day. Read a morning inspiring passage every day. Yoga and medication every day. Give gratitude every night. Live just for today. Pray before and after every meal. Live just for today.
*Mental: 28 meetings, in 28 days. Screen time @ 1:30 minutes per day. Writing out concerns, feelings and thanks every night. Pray before and after every meal. Live just for today.
*Physical: Morning exercise every day. Yoga every day. Evening exercise every day. Meal plan from book, 28 days. Pray before and after every meal. Live just for today.
Here goes nothing. I will practice and ask for patience and mercy to myself as I struggle through anger, frustration, doubt, and despair. I will ask for the grace of serenity and the peace of humility.