I can remember sitting here, last night, satisfied. Tonight, tired, and reinforcing step one. I shall go backwards: now, I am full of sugar and carbs, mostly eaten slow and present, with the exception of the peanut M&M's, last. Before, home while talking on the phone with Aimee, a good grounder. Up and Luke was on the computer, thank you god. Brush teeth, wash face, chat with luke. WANDER into kitchen, see rosie on the stairs, go and pet her. Aubrey comes out of the bathroom and we talk for a minute on the stairs. Get up and pack lunch, aubrey asks if i have tried one of her cookies. Aubrey goes to bed, i pick up a cookie, Luke asks if i want the computer. I say I dont need it, he says he doesnt either. I stall in the kitchen, he leaves, i eat the cookie. Take a plate of the leftovers on the stove and go read news articles...Painting class was great tonight, came late, shorter time for class, better attention span on my part. Signed up for nude modeling for one of Marv's classes in May. Excited to get on board with something i've always been interested in. Connections, life is really all connections. Relaxed in painting from a happy hour beer with Milo and Mikey before class. Nice small talk and chatter at small irish pub Owl and Thistle. Good day at work, intriguing and engaging meeting with a contact for the Burmese refugee community in the sunlight of the late afternoon, cooked a delicious lunch after a short video on health and poverty, productive morning of volunteer interview (from Austin) and web/music scanning. Good morning, though had indecision deciding what to eat for breakfast.
Now. Im not angry with myself, because this recovery takes time and effort. I had a good day and an overeating will not ruin the next. I will feel the physical effects but I will not let it consume the day's thoughts with body image and food obsession. Talking with Aimee on the phone, I felt the anxiety of the disease, that it would be denied. Brushing my teeth, I felt its anger, in my chest. Not mine, I wasn't angry, I was tiredly relieved. But I felt the glowering, the gnashing of its intangible teeth that it couldn't get mine to chomp. I lingered, I ate. I am sorry but I do not give up. I feel more connected to my friends today than ever, after a day of Freedom before. I have felt Freedom, I have seen its effects on the future, I will hold that in my heart, and use my strength and willingness to live that life tomorrow. Grateful for a dry clean space to rest. Grateful for fingers and toes and legs and arms and heart and lungs. Grateful for sleep.