Its been a long time since a night like this. Maybe never even one...
From last night:
am i supposed to suffer? ...oh. Oh. it seems a silly way to suffer. id rather be suffering for a common problem. for someone else's pain. is this my journey? to suffer so i can write about it? angry tears. i feel myself starting to lose hope.
denial is as far from me as could possibly be. the disease and self will fought tonight, it wanted the pleasure, it wanted the release. "I" wanted it, because how can i really separate myself from self-will? who the fuck am i? i think what i want, is to go through this without the pain. but the pain is so great now, again, the anger, the confusion, the fear. i dont know how to get though it.
Maybe I truly don't have any of these, and thats why this is not working.
I feel black tendrils shooting, unfurling and curling through my body, like ink black smoke, like tar, like deathly flowers.
maybe im not trying hard enough. im not dedicating enough. im not committing enough. i have to commit all of me.
i am afraid of getting fat. but how much worse can it get?
i wont give up. but i need help, a lot of help.
i feel like its taken over completely. i can't stop thinking about it. in desire or fear. its there, almost always, at the back of my mind. waiting.
i will keep trying. keep fighting. keep praying for faith.
A very harsh night. A saving grace, a late night call with Aimee, getting thoughts and feelings and anger and pain out into the open, out of my head. Wake 8:06, 24 minutes before my alarm. Surprisingly more clear than I would have expected. Breakfast, drive to Chiro, engage in conversation. Slow morning at work, but the sun was shinning through the chill air, refreshing, awakening. Make an appointment to see Dawn, the Burner hypnotherapist, late afternoon. Emails and reading and quiet conversation. Nice afternoon walk with Katie. I have such a wonderful support system. The hypnosis was amazing. The lobby of the building and the elevator were older, but I loved the buttons. The hallways was drab but the offices of counseling were wonderfully soothing and beautiful. Paged through a Black and White photo magazine in the waiting room and made a cup of tea. 15 past the meeting time, a bit of a twinge, then a conscious release. A lovely blong woman in a white soft neck brace approached. Her room was wonderful. Large, soft warm colors, soft light, quiet cheerful fountain, picture of a dock leading toward a sunset over her right shoulder. Introductions, short explanations and descriptions. Bathroom break then lay back in the soft plush cream recliner with a plum blanket tucked around my feet and draped under my chin, hood pulled up to cover my crown. Aware, awareness, moving, breathing. Fears of failing, disappointment but moved past, though they lingered, the consciousness lingered, throughout. Mostly, relaxation, a connection to a deeper part of myself. An elevator, wrought iron, sometimes with intertwining ivy, clouds all around, misting. The elevator itself not permanent, changing. The ceiling black then gold. The floor wood then blank then wood. the door stainless steel. Push the down button and I fall. I feel the falling. Rushing, i try to slow it down, as she counts down from...i cant remember what number she started at. Deeper, i feel myself falling deeper. Land. The door opens but I cant see what she is describing- its just blank. I try to pull something together. I see a path, I see a door, a wooden door, wonderfully carved. I open it, pushing the handle. There is a room of clouds, soft brightness, gold. There is a box, suspended. My subconscious she says. A treasure box, of wood and leather and jewels. Lift the clasp and press the jewel in front and it opens. Some memories tumble out as she calls to them, standing in Noni's kitchen (eating waffles?) Dad's kitchen, his pantry, but then a vortex, a tornado, pulling them back in. I try to put some good thoughts in at her suggestion, but its difficult to shape them. An image, me, overweight, crosslegged in Yoga pose, in a lime leotard, calm, serene. A strange image but one that fills me with hope and acceptance. Coming back, she calls me back, and I awake, fresh, revitalized, high, so high! We chat a bit, I am aware, soft focus, but present. Euphoric as I descend the real elevator and leave the building. Smiling with teeth, laughing at the sky, the people in their cars in traffic, the light is beautiful, thick. Lights on trees, beautiful. Stay happy she says, stay in a good place for a while after. I walk pass Tesla and turn around and go in and chat with the man about the cars. Feel lifted. Talk with Aimee, feel so high, watching birds, cars go by. Home...home feels good, feels right! And it is right. Call ahead (my excitement is pouring out of me) and get Aub to set up a board game. Play right when I get home. Talk with mum, visit Luke, eat dinner -AT THE TABLE- and chat with Katie. Watch a bit of Seeker and have ONE handful of M&Ms...then Brush my teeth. Back to watching the movie. Then-decide i need a break- DO YOGA! then rest...REST! lay in my bed and smile and feel wonderfully satiated and sleepy. wander around the rest of the evening, laundry, shower, meals for tomorrow, tv with aub and jerry and katie, finish the Seeker episode. And here I am. At peace. Felt a bit low during the end of Seeker, but it feels good, feels grounded now. A miracle, a blessing...a wonderful wonderful evening of Freedom. 'Why would I do that? Thats just silly'. yes, i agree. and i can follow through with actions to show my agreement. So grateful tonight, so grateful. Feel other feelings coming up, understand the importance of taking and doing the fourth step, will work on that tomorrow. The Magic of these two healing processes combined will lead me into the Light, I hope, I pray, I believe. Grateful for Dawn, her generosity. Grateful for a Loving support system. Grateful for a good night of rest stretching before me...