12:33 game room

danced to 1am last night, amazing show- Rusko. coat confusion resolved with me driving home to sleep. ate a bit but not overwhelming or out of control. so tired and groggy. up this morning after a few hours of heavy sleep. heavy step today but not unpleasant. beautiful warm afternoon and early evening. babysat and a good experience, best in a long while. brought a pack of gum along which had a lot to do with it i think. and a less strict attitude i think. which just seemed to 'happen'. felt good on the drive home, wanting mystery and mystic. sat in the living room for a while with jerry and luke. as soon as luke left i felt like watching something - BONG! WARNING. my body wanted sleep. my spirit wanted rest. my mind wanted stimulation. fucking mind. ate a bunch and now feel sad, disappointed. awake. watching Luke kill other machine gun men in robot suits on Halo. grrr. let it go. Let Love in. anger will get me no where. forgive and move on. my soul, tasting life, tasting the other side and its lifting freedom from food obsession, from hiding, from crouching. but my self-will, my ego is just so prejudiced against change, so set in its stubborn provincial ways, stuck in its hut, shutter closed. my mind will always be the hut of the illness, but it doesn't have to be dark and unkempt and derelict. I pray for a Guiding Spirit of Love to change me, to sweep and scrub down the house, to open the windows and doors to the light and the rain, to plant flowers around the edges and set a strong roof and dig a deep cool cellar in a strong foundation. grateful for people to live with, to be with, to talk to, to share with. pray for the courage and strength to let Love in my heart. Please, I pray, Guiding Spirit show me Love, take my will and life in your power and guide me to Love, to do thy work. Guide me to my purpose. I am willing to believe in your having a purpose for me. I will sleep now, and rest. Grateful for the opportunities in my life.
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I dont like how it clouds my memories, steals them from me, steals my past, steals my present, blurs my future with negative or cynical attitude. but when im clean, when im clear, things return to me, memories, feelings, emotions. like magic...the Magic of Light...of Love...