Tuesday, February 2, 2010

11:56 bedroom

"Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?" As soon as a (wo)man can say that (s)he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure herhim that (s)he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built." I love this whole paragraph, especially the metaphor of the castle. My degrading demoralizing decrepit crumbling stone prison will fall, the thorny ivy will rot and a new strong fortress will be constructed, day by day, moment by moment, prayer by prayer, positive thought by positive thought, action by action, believe by faith by hope...
I still do so many of the things listed in Chapter two of the OA 12 and 12...I still act in "an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner". It is disconcerting, that I fall back, but forces me to concede that i have to face reality. That I have this baffling and cunning disease. It winds itself around my head and tortures my body.
Had a hazy and confused day. Then struggled with myself about whether I would go to painting class or go home. The illness wants me to isolate and hide and I have to do exactly the opposite, as hard as it is. Thank GOD i have amazing friends who encourage (aka whine at me) to come out and be social. That is my cure, to Go Out and be with people. In other words, LOVE! love myself, love others, let that love in. It really is a kind of Magic, such a wonderful feeling that burns up any negative energy or thoughts or feelings. I am very lonely and sad at night and thats why I eat. I feel the yearn for Love when I come home, but usually everyone is in bed or my siblings are doing homework and its hard to connect. Restricted my food today (didnt really feel like eating at all) then ate hectically when I got home for about an hour. I was daydreaming on the drive about a perfect little haven of space where I could come home to and dance and relax and then go to bed. Sort of a single apartment in the middle of nowhere. And then I thought- No. I want to make my life happy now, here...because this is all I have! This night! I am feeling dragged down but I won't give up hope because I can't. I still have so much of it and I'm grateful for that strength. I feel myself falling backwards but little by little, two steps forward, one step back, I will make it. I will recover and live in serenity!!! We both will! I believe! (I'm going to say this over and over to myself, morning, afternoon, evening, and night...)
I am willing to believe in a higher power who will help me change. Help me stop lying, to others and to myself, about my eating habits. To face the Truth with bare-assed honesty.
It isn't really a physical comfort, but I have to concede that I have stopped my 'purging', the over-exercising after i binge. In some ways it makes things even more frustrating, but on the other hand, I am writing and thinking now after I eat rather than shoving the emotions down even deeper under exhaustion and sweat.
"our lives were out of balance" ..."in all of life, as well as with the food, we were irrational, unbalanced, insane. If our willpower and determination couldn't change our unsuccessful way of living, what could? Clearly a Power greater than ourselves had to be found if we were to be restored to sanity."
"We are invited to define that Power however we wish and reate to it in whatever way works for us...we remain open to spiritual growth and show tolerance for others..."
The strength of the Camaraderie of our fellows who understand...and accept...and Love.
What do I need from a Higher Power? I need Strength and Love and Encouragement and Guidance and Purpose. and Availability.
What would I like such a Power to be and to do in my life? A Higher Power, a Greater Force is a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe, who Loves me completely, who helps me to a higher purpose, who helps me cultivate humility and Guides me to a life of Love and Compassion. Help me Life Live, encourage me to be Active and Present, to Show up for people and myself. To Live...to Live! To embrace all emotions and feelings. To Heal. To free my mind of the obsession in order for my brain to turn over a new soil and bright thoughts to take root and grow under the glow of Love.
*"Most of us also needed to learn to ask other people for help and let God speak to us through our fellows. In OA, God's healing power comes to us through a caring community of other compulsive overeaters."
*I believe a Greater Force can being a healing process that will relieve me of the compulsion to overeat and bring stability to my life. OA gives me Love, and I can respond with Action, and a new faith in myself, in others and in the Power of Love.

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