Sunday, August 30, 2009

10:59 Living room

End of a dexter episode hit me today, will get that in here later.
another day of compulsive eating. but if these past four days have anything of a lesson for me to learn, it is that i need to continue working for faith. i need to truly let go so i can come to believe in a higher power that will guide me to my destiny. to 'me'. to wholeness and serenity. away from brokenness and insanity. to love.
a day of different directions and viscosities. but through its troubles, there was a beautiful sense of peace. in the afternoon anyway. then the darkness sparked and i failed to move away, so as to deny it fuel. so it flamed and then burned. and then i burned, in anger , and drowned, in helpless tears. i needed to move so i got an exercise DVD but was torn as to whether I should do it. that would be considered purging, but I knew i would feel better if i made it through some of it. then a voice from somewhere to the side; i heard 'god wouldnt want me to suffer, to feel bad'. and so i punched and kicked and then cried and talked to mum, and felt calmer. still uneasy and unsettled, but no longer like i was going to explode and burst into flames.
let go, have faith, that you higher power, God, Guiding Spirit, have good things in store for me, meaningful things full of purpose. you will lead me to where i need to go, help me to be the person, the human i need to be.
"it was always right there. i had to say goodbye in order to reconnect with whats really important. with who i was. with who i have to be."Dexter, Season 2, Episode 2 (54:00)
goodbye to fear in God, fear of faith. I am worthy. I am important. I will be something great. i am in your hands Guiding Spirit. Guide me.

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