Tuesday, August 18, 2009

12:59 Dining Room

listening to my stepdad drill about drugs...
holidays from life's problems...
"you wouldnt want to make a permanent lifestyle of avoiding bad emotions". This would be dehabilitating. not experencing and growing through emotions means you dont grow up.
true. but its just so easy in the moment. to shove down that anxiety that crawls up to the surface, for whatever reason. and its slightly tantalizing, that idea of never growing up. of living in a fantasy mind world. oh that escape to never never land is so tempting, so teasing. because you know you shouldn't, you CANT! ...but you can, for a moment, for a few hours, forget about everything, obliterate yourself, lose yourself in the focus of filling your body as a false front for numbing your mind.
patience. i think its all about patience. ah, please help me foster and nurture and be serene with patience.
i did go to a meeting tonight. I almost missed it. i was three streets down, at another church, go figure, but the wrong one. wrong directions. hesitant about going to the right chruch once i realized my mistake, because i didnt want to be late. But i jumped in the car and drove up the hill just to scope out the area for next time. But, but. There was a parking spot right in front of the entrance. It was almost without thinking that i flicked on my blinker and quickly parallel parked, sweat running down my neck. Scurried inside down a long hallway and finally found the right room, a full room, and head-bowed-shuffled to a fold out chair next to the wall.
it was almost surreal.
the sun was setting and shinning through the old curtains, giving the room a deep orange glow. the thick dark mustard carpet was stained and the walls were medium beige, the long oblong table was dark wood with a thick glass plate resting on top. it was all very 70s. a speakers meeting, a very interesting share, about her past craziness and anger and how those two demons ruled her life. about how different she was now, how her life couldnt even compare, how she know owned a house and had a steady job.
everyone ended up sharing, some people twice. it was an unusual meeting for me in that many of the shares had nothing to do with food, or mentioned food as background scenery. a middle aged man who i thought wasnt going to share, cleared his throat and in a very commanding tone started ranting about his mother. all very interesting. some insights. but also exhausting. mentally exhausting. walked out with a young lady who was very nice and clued me into phone and on-line meetings, which im definetly going to check out.
but here i am at home. a very large binge under my belly and weighing on my spirit.
tonights topic was surrender. how perfect. sometimes the readings mention that we have to lose all control to allow sanity back into our lives. we have to realize we've lost it before we can ever hope to find it.
on the verge of helpless tears again. again. again. how many times do i have to lose myself.
alright. i surrender to the fact that i do need a food plan. i surrender to the fact that i need to cut certain foods out of my life.
but im so scared, fearful of the effects these changes in my lifestyle will have. especially starting a new job. i get anxious and stressed so easily. without my 'using'.
i felt so shitty this morning, the hangover effects of too many carbs and sugars racing around in my blood before rest. and yet here i am again.
i surrender. i do. but im not sure how much longer i can surrender for.
or maybe im fooling myself and i havnt completely let go. to take the real, true steps.
yes, this is going to be very difficult. im crying now. face screwed up against the tears. but maybe i should just let them fall. run down my checks and off my chin.
that does feel better.
guiding spirit please help me completely surrender. help me understand that letting go of one pain to feel another is just part of the journey. and that as the road continues, it will get better. please help me realize this.
oh god please help me.
i believe, i believe, but that light is surronded by so great a wide and deep chasm of fear and pain. fear so old and pain so burried i dont even know where or what these monsteres were born of.
i understand ineed to surrender myself wholely and completely to this journey, this program, these steps in order to change. i understand i have to be willing.
i am afraid. but i am willing.
i begin to surrender.

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