Thursday, August 20, 2009

10:53 computer room

thoughts from last night driving home:
a good day
a great meeting
time for sleep
a night embraced.
and embraced it was, sleeping 11 hours of desperately needed deep dark. a good dark.
and there was my first day of abstinence :) a bit snarky when i went to bed around 10, but that was to be expected.
and here is my second day of abstinence :) didn't go to a meeting but sat down at 7:30 when the meeting would have started and did reading and workbook writing. It was wonderful. Emotional at one point, had to put down my pen and rest my head in my hands, but overall so necessary to embody the past and reality. Its funny how powerful writing something down can be, like that transfer of thought from mind to paper accrues power on its trip down the neck, picks up weight through the arm and then takes on tangible meaning as it shoots out the fingers.
a second night. almost unthinkable yesterday.
but like the tanned fit wide blue eyes said yesterday night in her share, it can come on at any moment, at any minute, you can fall again, even after a lengthy period of abstinence, and so you have to be ready, you have to be prepared, by being involved in the program and strong with your higher power.
i feel it. feel you. my guiding spirit. you are resting in my chest. a weight, but a welcome one, like the weight of a heavy blanket that wraps around you while you watch the storm from your porch. or the weight of a mug of hot tea in your hands after a long day of physical and mental exertion. or the weight of a warm body pressed against you, in a loving hug or sensual embrace.
comfort, healing, love. these are all what we need.
I found an old email going through my inbox, trying to find the login for one of those accounts you never use but suddenly unexpectedly need access to. the email was about kindness, sent to me from my stepdad last september, when i was really starting to try to find a 'solution' to my problem. When was the last time lasting change ever came about from force or coercion? You can punish yourself into something, but chances are the results wont have staying power. But what if you treating yourself with respect and positive encouragement? And let yourself make mistakes?
I know i have greatly underestimated the power of positive thinking and positive self talk. Just telling yourself, "Im happy", when you are feeling bummed, over and over again, can bring a lift to your step. of course in the beginning, you say it furiously or pathetically, but then eventually, maybe because it sounds so ridiculous, you start laughing. And when you sincerely laugh, you can't stay angry or sad for long.
I stepped on a rake yesterday and it smacked me in the head. Just like a cartoon or an old black and white. Slap stick. HA. it hurt like hell. but then, because i had actually managed to hit myself with a rake, i started to laugh, and the laughing made the pain almost dissapear.
thats not to say we need to shoo away all our pain. laughter cant take away the deepest hurts, even cynical laughter, which most of us use much too often.
Step one workbook questions ask you to look at your relationship with your emotions. And in turn with your family and friends and yourself.
i have buried my emotions so deep under food I lost myself. Im only just beginning to scrub off the layers and layers of dirt caked around my spirit, to find who i am and what i truly believe deep down. To find that intuitive light inside. Its exciting, discovering yourself, almost like opening an old present you forgot about. But its also frightening. its hard work scraping of the dirt. but i read a metaphor somewhere that i felt hit a chord in me, a note chimed somewhere and i looked up with a shine in wide eyes. the passage said to think of yourself as a beautiful peice of polished wood that has been tossed on the forest floor and accumulated layers of dirt and moss and leaves. first you find yourself, the object. then you begin to break down its outer barrier until you reach the hidden treasure inside :) maybe a bit hokey, but i love it.
i am a beautiful piece of wood,
i am a beautiful piece of wood...

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