Thursday, August 13, 2009

Living Room 11:47

Well, ...
Its almost midnight and I'm about to go to bed. A year ago, a season ago, a month ago...maybe even a week ago...this probably would not have happened. Been able to happen. Been able to have been conceived of happening. Because of the addiction.
Addiciton, disease, dilemia, complusion, problem, mental illness. Its all very complicated and fascinating. To have a desire for a thing or a process that is so overwhelming, it takes over. Everything. It turns you into a body, that is reined by the Need. Your mind is weakened, your spirit darkened, your soul dimmed. Without you even knowing it. It can turn your entire brain mechanics into a labyrinth of personalities, just so the truth of it can never be found, never be entirely understood.
Then one day. One day at a time, you slowly realize you don't know who you are. Who you have become, who you even were in 'the past', whatever that shadowy place is. Time stretches and shrinks all around you, you feel insane, you are insane, you are insanity itself. You scream, you cry, you laugh. You want out.
And then you dont. Because the Addiction has become your life and you it. You are an Addiction. How can you deny yourself what inherently structures every cell and spark of your body and soul?
Because its a lie. Its all a lie.
And slowly. Slowly, slowly, you rise. You rise and fall, rise, sink, fall, rise, drown in anger, frustration, grief, sadness, helplessness, rage, terror, guilt, uncertainty, denial. You fall. And let go.
And that is the key to your salvation.
3 minutes to midnight. I like to be in bed by midnight now. A year ago? Unthinkable. A season ago? Ponderable. A month ago? Hoped for. A week ago? Attempted.

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