Saturday, August 29, 2009

1:17am computer room

maybe i wont ever get it. i just dont get it and maybe i wont ever get it.
past lost. feel like im in a black hole that is just going to keep sucking in light to no avail, until it collapses.
so many signs so many signs that god is out there.
so many tears falling down my face. at my frustration with myself. at the loss of hoping, starting to bloom like a dark flower. i have to pull through, i have to. but it just seems like motions. like different play parts that i go through, but always to come back to this. this insanity. which feels like...its all. no, not all. but something i cant push through. it will always come back to this?
where does this fear come from, these fears of the irrational. of monsters and demons. from myself? from the darkness i see in myself?
i cant let myself get fat. i wont take it, i cant take it. and i hate that everything is tied up with that. i feel no rationality right now, though im desperatly trying to catch a thread. ground it. ground myself, bring myself back.
we see what we choose to see. god, what do you want me to see. please, im asking you, what do you want me to see?
paradie, i want you. i want you to see light.
how? how? what do i do?
you do.
do. do the 12 steps? yes, do the 12 steps.
breathe. do. live.
i see old. an old woman. i will live to be an old woman. crying. but i will live to be an old woman.
maybe. or maybe not.
but i will continue to live. day by day. oh shame. shame and guilt. but mostly shame, so much of it, overwhelming, like a wave.
has anything changed?
i dont want this to be my life anymore? no, i do not want this to be my life anymore. whatever the next life will be, the life without it, i dont want this life anymore. this one of shame and tears.
i may be just as confused and uncertain in the next, but please, take away the shame and tears.
a child, needing to be taken care of. thats what i feel like. and shame at this.
3 binges today. 4 including over eating at lunch.
im not happy. as happy as i want to be, as happy as i feel i should be, as happy as i am trying to feel, because i know i would normally feel happy in my situation.
im not. and there is no reason not to be. i want to curl up in a ball, i cant fight anymore.
or wait. there is something still there. but i think its anger. stubborn anger. but its not strong enough. a last battalion of weary but resolved fighters.
except this isnt a battle. its something to give up. to lift out and let go. its not mine to fight, to control. and yet i keep trying. the body image. trying to make the situation work for me. but-
i do. i breathe, i do, i live.
i work the steps.
please take me. please take it away.

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