Friday, August 14, 2009

11:24 Living Room

We all have choices.
Its okay to make mistakes.
Who are we, who am I, to play God. When I make a misstep, I get so angry at myself that the humiliation of the error burns itself into my psyche, allowing perfect detailed recall - months, years later! - of the painful emotions I experienced in that moment.
Who am I to assume I should be perfect? Why do I get to place myself on a pedestal above other people? Forgiving others for fumbles but not myself, is this not degrading to fellow human beings? Is this not indicating that I find myself on a higher plane, to be more accountable for my mistakes?
Yes. yes to all this.
Letting go of my terror at personal failure, at being to laugh, TRULY laugh, at my idiocy and wrongs: this is humility. Taking the tart ripe berries of vain pride and mashing them up and baking them into a humble pie. When you think of pride, you might think of a pompous athlete or over zealous parents. But pride can also take the guise of over humility (beating oneself down unrealistically, 'i should have accomplished first place, only my stupidity stopped me'), if it goes too far. And really, this is just as bad. Humility and Pride, such interesting siblings.
I 'mistaked' tonight. I'm starting to shape ideas about control, and tonight I discovered I am much more attached to control than I thought. I missed a meeting that I had been looking forward to, because of family activities and traffic (that almighty epitome of lack-of-control; a veritable chaotic jousting arena). I couldn't relax exactly how I wanted to once I was home, because of visitors. So I lost control over my eating. I wasnt able to control my environment or my emotions and so I lost the final element: eating.
Control. I think of car terms, like Cruise or Petrol. Mechanical.
But mechanics break down, often in inopportune situations. And so just as we, I, can't ultimately rely on mechanics, so I also cannot rely on control. I have to give it up.
Tonight I think I was ephinized with Step Three. A guiding spirit said, "well my dear, its going to hurt, but I'm servin' it to ya".
Wills can also be thought of as wants. So by turning my life over to the care of a higher power, I'm not serving my brain on a silver platter to a hungry universal force. But rather, Im giving my wish list to a guiding spirit. Im taking away my will to force my wants, to control the outcome of my desires. I still have my wants. But I am sending them in a letter to the big Mr and Mrs Clause in the sky, who I am coming to believe in...
This is how I have shaped these ideas thus far. Just a beginning. I know I have a ways to go to understanding, to begin to understand how much I have to understand. Or not understand. To know how much I need to just let go and let be.
This is very hard for me. I need to work more on this step, read more shape more ideas about control, building on 'powerless'.
One day at a time. Progress over perfection.

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