Wednesday, August 19, 2009

12:50 computer room

its funny how many frames of mind we can inhabit during the space of one day.
frames of mind; focusing on our surroundings with varying degrees of clarity and understanding. how do these views come into being? how are they related and connected, how does one shift from the last to the next? is it choice? or instinct? a neighbor stops by to chat when I was deeply involved in dirty yard work- mostly i would have put my conciousness 'behind me' and made small talk until i found an excuse to excuse myself. but today, when the man with the two dogs stopped to talk, i found myself extremely focused- on what he was saying, on how i was staring, on the quality of the early afternoon light. it was unusual. im not sure why it happened. then instead of giving a white lie to escape the mindless chatter, i told him directly that i needed to get back to digging my hole and moving my rocks so goodbye. and all was okay.
space of one day; time and space, such an interesting concept. we divide ourselves into notches on a circle. why do we have such a need for time? sometimes i wish i could just live a week, in a cabin on a lake, with no clocks. just the sun, setting and rising, and the wind blowing and the water lapping, and me following my body's needs whenever they arose, not to the dictation of a tock tick rapping at my brain. yet it is so engrained in me, i feel time. i can generally guess the approximation of the hands when i first wake up and throughout the day, regardless if i have actually seen the time recently or not. though night is harder to judge. it moves either so swiftly you find yourself startled by the lightening of the sky, or so slow you want to burn your bed in kerosene and rip the twisted sheets to shreds.
i worked steadily outside for 2 and a half hours, at a steady pace, and greatly enjoyed it. had a small cup of coffee as my brother left for the weekend. had lunch, an egg sandwhich, around 1. did great, followed through on my eating directions until around 10:30. 10:30! i think i need to make another note to the list; brush teeth as soon as i finish dinner. though i know that really wont help. i should have gone to the meeting tonight. i felt it. walking around the deck, talking to a girlfriend. i even told her. but i didnt want to drive through rush hour. well, really? i didnt mind. i was just holding myself back. 'fear makes cowards of us all'. just watched Persepolis on netflix. great film, the animation strengthened the cyncial humor and emotions of the characters.
my sister came to me tonight all aflame with passion about a book she was reading. she shot out the plot line in rapid fire that i was half attentive to, then read aloud a passage about the Lord and being grateful. she had tears in her eyes. they were glowing. i was in the middle of a numbing session (that hit out of nowhere, seemingly).
i live in a beautiful existence. but i do not live a beautiful life.
i rest in a large house full of character and love and anger and passion and frustration and intellect and insight and smelly animals. i have a mother and step father and brother and sister who i care about so deeply, i only just realized part of the apathy i have was because i was afraid to think about a futur with them, in case i ever lost them. i let myself feel that hope today, and it was exciting and refreshing. to grow and learn with these people, and they are my people. who will we become? what will we do? I get to wait for this :) And i wouldn't miss it for the world.
5 years ago i wanted to die. 3 years ago i got a tattoo to save me from ever taking my own life. to remind me. that there was always someone else I could help, even if i thought my life was worth shit. 2 years ago i got another tattoo to pound in the message to my cynical ego that everything will be all right, that everything goes around and i will find my place and way.
now i am coming to truly believe this. small miracles surrond me, us, everyday, if we only open ourselves to them. i am still struggling with the idea that i have some control, that i can continue to live an unhealthy lifestyle with a emotional attachment to food. it frightens me how fast that barrier against...what needs to be done (i was going to say 'truth', but i struggle with that word)...reasserts itself.
i am tired. but i am grateful, so grateful, for my life and the chance i have to live it. and the chances im being given now, the pathways that are being shown to me, for me to walk down, all i have to do are take those small steps, just small steps...
i want to feel more aware right now, this entry is very stream of conciousness, but a weight of fatigue and emotional eating are pushing down on my forhead and the top of my skull.
wash my face and...sleep. but first i think i will light some candles and sway around my basement room for a song or two, to let go. to embrace. to let be.
its going to be a hot one tomorrow.

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