Thursday, August 27, 2009

10:37 Living Room

one week of abstience. the last four of those in eastern washington doing work training. and last night a blackout drink binge. which led to today's break in the weave. frighteningly hungover today, even cried a bit, so my stomach and body were torn apart as far as energy and hunger were concerned. managed some breakfast but then gave it to the toilet. lunch was munched in the car, then dinner was preceded by snacking and followed by mowning leftovers off other peoples' plates.
up and down, progress not perfection, one day at at time.
meeting tomorrow, thankful for that, that protection, that safety, that peace i feel there.
but have to honestly propose another question to myself. one i know i have been avoiding, maybe because i am afraid of the answer.
something else i need to come face to face with? something i need to end a relationship with?
its different, but similar to food. i have trouble stopping when i start. but unlike food, i dont desire booze. i rarely have a glass of wine with dinner. only when going out to a bar or dancing will i start throwing them back. and mostly end up unproperly unremembering the end of the evening and carrying a terrible hangover the next day. which always screws up my eating. because my body is out of whack.
so maybe, even if i dont truly NEED to give up drinking, it would make my abstience that much stronger.
sigh. funny how we hang on to things even though they make us feel terrible. we get so attached, in a sick kind of self destructive way, through habit.
tired but wired. first official day of work tomorrow, 8:30 sharp. shower now, then hopefully fall into sleep swiftly.
rainstorms forecasted...

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