Friday, August 21, 2009

11:59 living room

most of me just wants to go to bed but a sliver says i should write and get the day out of my system so i can sleep.
the clarity im feeling is unreal, almost like taking a drug, the altered state is so dramatic. my third day of abstinence :) amazing really, thinking back to how hard that first night was.
today was so rollar coaster, anxiety riddled. call from my friend this morning and made evening plans to see a free music show downtown. good, get me out of the house, safe, with a close old friend. but then she mentioned going to a house warming party for an old high school mate. alarms went off in my head but i was excited at the same time so i agreed. through yard work, through my shower, through laundry and other puttering around the house till i left, i struggled with thoughts of judgement and reception. my whole day was spent thinking about it! whether or not to go, how it would pan out. i had decided against it, but then we carpooled so i couldnt leave my girlfriend hanging. talking to her in the car made me feel better though, getting my anxieties out in the open. listened to the first band then left for a meeting. this one was different, it included writing and meditation. it was wonderful :) such a good homey comforting energy. i shared and included my anxities about the house warming and coming home late and at the end of the meeting almost everyone told me to call them if i needed, to support me going to bed without binging. AMAZING! i felt centered and grounded in that place, i felt ME. driving down to seattle, i was having a complex about who to present as myself at the party, what role i should play. but after the meeting, that frustration just crumbled into dust like a dried mud puddle under my feet. arrived at the house and immedietly my body was out of control, heart hammering, eyes darting around, fast breathing. afterwards, Sarah said she never saw any of those symptoms. oh how well we hide our problems. 20 minutes of the party, talking with Sarah and a few others in close conversation was greatly enjoyable. the rest was...lame. college graduates still playing beer pong to booty shake music blaring out of the stereo, unable to talk about anything of importance. well, to be honest, i didnt really try having conversations with them. but i feel like if i did, they wouldnt have gotten any where. happy to leave, tired and out of place. realized i have to admit my alcholic tendencies to myself, and made a decision not to have a drink there- it would have led to blackout, that i have no doubt in my mind- which made me feel even more akward, no social lubrication.
now home, late, tired. more guests arrived tonight, australian family, this house is bursting. but i will keep praying and reading and i think i will call a few people tomorrow. connection. fellowship. love :)
so grateful for friends who i can be crazy around, who i can take the time to find myself around.
thank you god for a chance to live this beautiful life.

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