Thursday, December 24, 2009

12:20 bedroom

should make this quick, need to get to bed to sleep for rest for skiing tomorrow. though if i don't write out my thoughts, they may swirl endless patterns around my head and keep me awake.
a very strong binge tonight, on chocolate and cookies. bowls of the stuff. but before that; a very good day as far as patience. waiting, just letting time pass and not feeling like i have to control a decision. and interesting and good results. the past came back today, but it was a good visit with E. sentimental, but we have both changed, and i accept that. the connections i have with people keep me alive. they are what i live for. but i realize it will take pratice and patience to work up stamina to go an entire day. by the late evening when i got home, i was running out of steam. i made dinner but ate it while watching tv episodes. as i turned to the stairs, a warning light and bell went off in my head, and i acknowledged i shouldnt be doing this. i felt the 'rightness' of sitting at the table and mindful eating. but i went around it, tried to go past it. but one night of eating unhealthily will not ruin my life and should not dictate my next waking to the next morning light. that is then, and will be then. this is now. i was ignoring fatigue and sleepiness and so pushed aside serenity and emotions. i accept my mistake. i accept it and move on. it has happened. it happened. i release it. and now i will sleep.
grateful for friends, who are supportive in their very presence. grateful for laughter. grateful for cold, life affirming air. grateful for feeling a sense of my own responsibility to myself. grateful for love and what it teaches us.

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