Thursday, December 10, 2009

11:40 bedroom

2nd night of old bad habits. tonight, extreme. old binge foods and directly distractive reading.
head feels like its floating in vanilla ice cream- sickly sugary and light.
frustrated. sad.
but knowing. how to turn this around. but feeling resentful and apathetic.
please, i cry for help again. for the strength to move through this. for the courage to take right action. for the determination and fortitude to move past...strange reservation and hesitation.
memory of a feeling of glasgow.
talked to dad tonight. report about S came out, pilot negligence. sad, an empty sadness, a sadness for lost things, about death.
i could die any moment. and in this moment, i might even welcome the peace. but every bit outside this moment of post-binge cynicism, i want to live. to love. to find peace, to serve, to spread love, to help others find peace. serenity.
grateful for people to talk to.
frustrated. sad.
but know how to turn it around. talking. sharing. meeting. writing.
please help me God, whatever you are, where ever you are.

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