Friday, December 18, 2009

12:14 bedroom

a bit cool tonight, but warmer than last week. come back cold, make it snow! another day long but not awful. Finished up K's last secret santa display and felt happy to use my creative powers, and doing it for someone else's pleasure makes it even better. another day of eating outside of meals and snacks, and eating sugar. but we had a dessert exchange at work, and i can forgive myself for giving into sweets when they surround me. i could have decided not to take any home, but i thought I would be able to handle it. I was not. I ate them all and more. I knew I was eating compulsively and saddened by it, as I was avoiding watching a movie with my sister because I wanted to eat. But, with the grace of a higher power, I settled. I exercise, a short dvd, then a wonderful long stretch time, and a rinse. Felt good after the shower, feel alright, now. I feel myself at a beginning again, this is what it felt like at the beginning, discovering how it felt to stop eating compulsively, feeling the safety of meetings, the belonging. Feeling serenity, feeling myself. More aware of my body, which I feel is a miracle- my body and the feeling of it. i am grateful for a body that can move all its parts and give me such joy in its movement. I realize my body IS; it is not good or bad, it IS. It is only my perception that changes, my mental thought process, stemming from my mind. I need to quite my mind, let serenity move through like a soft dreamy wave, emptying channels and letting peace settle throughout and allowing clear, focused awareness to prevail.
dream, dream, dream.
the daily reader talked about feeling feelings today. at the end of the binge, i faced that i was trying to push something down, and i slightly let the feeling rise, but it was pain, and beyond that i couldn't tell, and the not knowing was painful too, so i went into the kitchen to get more food, but then jerry came back in the house from working outside, and i filled a mug with water instead. thank god. finished with an ice cream sandwich, like last night, and watched myself in the mirror as i ate it, which i think helps a lot. makes me face what im doing, and even enjoy the food for what it is. which i think helps too. brings back the focus to the present moment. the other daily reader also mentioned lashing out and not taking the time to think. this is what i do when i eat. I lash out and I use. i want to slow down, to garner and gather calmness to be able to face my feelings. i need to go ahead with step four and if I am to do this consistently and with dedication, i need a sponsor. I will be on the look out and actively peruse and be open to guidance.
night is drawing out, i should sleep, but i feel still quite awake. almost excited, a energy in my stomach, my core. also a bubbling of the intestine. as usual.
grateful for life, the life i have, the life i live, every breath, every moment. grateful for hope, for the hope of Love.

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