Sunday, December 13, 2009

11:35 bedroom

Feel a push to check in. So I write, a few words. The last week has been haywire and wild as far as a normal pattern of eating goes, or lack of one. But today I had a holiday party and it felt great, truly laughing and just letting one moment carry itself into the next, not controlling to much, or expecting perfection, but guiding the events and letting the day be guided by the mood. Tired at the end, ready for people to pack up and head out on the snowy roads, but wasn't ready for C's unexpected departure or my unexpected sad mood after everyone, and especially the boy, left. Started tidying, then continued, through a mood that would normally equate to sitting and scarfing the leftovers. But I packaged and cleaned and didn't sit down to eat a plate until everything was done. Sat on the couch with my beer for a little before that, feeling present, feeling lonely. Called to see when the family would return from their outing, then felt the need to eat before they got home. Slow to hectic eating, then lots of candy, then stop. Though the desire didn't. A slight need followed me through the hours, but aubrey and tree decorations and lucas and music held it at bay. grateful for that. grateful to have been able to have moved through the emotions, through the feelings. negative thinking, isolationist ideas. not meeting amy for dinner tomorrow, not going to the meeting, not wanting to go to work, not caring. terrible, murky thoughts. but, wow really grateful, i made some paper airplanes and uploaded cd's and took pictures of the cat and laughed with mum and sat on the couch for a while, and then brushed my teeth. there really is a lot of time in a day, in an evening, when it is not consumed by preoccupation and obsession with food. or anything, i guess. time for sleep, we shall see how swiftly it comes. read a bit, an overdue library book. put more photos up around my room and they make me smile. its good to reconnect with our memories. reminders of good times, smiles and laughs, encouragement to seek out more. to hope for, to pray for. Love. To be given and to give. grateful for this day. no perfect, hardly, but real.

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