The real test comes when you lose.
- Dick Vermeil
extended belly and unquenchable thirst from a binge. a while since this has happened, grateful for that. A loving evening with C, a bittersweet parting. Talked with him about my frustration of wanting to like him but unwillingness to face the sadness that will come with his imminent departure. I sound like a wilting flower. But i hate dealing with the...feeling of abandonment. But- its all attitude. We are all dying. We are living until we die. Its all the way you look at it. Yes, I will someday die. Should I stop living because of it. Yes, he will leave soon. Does that mean I should stop myself from loving him? Enjoying the time now? I suppose not. But it sounds nicer on paper than it does feeling your infatuation broken in 100 pieces. I will take this as a lesson. In letting go, in trying to listen to the voice of a higher power, a guiding spirit. To see if I can truly live in the moment, and not obsess outside of it. To enjoy my time with C when I am with him, and to not muse or stew over it when we are on our own paths. I think this is a good idea.
I think tonight's binge was also brought on by nervousness on the part of my webcam chat with Beau. I worked myself into a cynical, flat, pleasing paradie, and chatted about nothing for an hour. Which, if I hadn't eaten, I think I would have enjoyed much more, and been able to feel the conversation out to greater depths. Resumed eating after the talk, a last attempt to hide from myself. Midnight chimed and i wearily but thankfully turned off who-knows-what movie i was watching, rose from the chair, and went about preparing for bed.
Now is now. I am sorry I overate, but I feel this is a reminder I need to work the program or get worked over by this sickness. I need to feed my spirit or my illness will feed on me. I feel tonight's meeting would have been good. Muting Aimee's phone call was a huge alarm, one that I acknowledged, then plowed through.
Tired, thinking of skipping breakfast. That will not help me. But I ate nuts tonight, which always makes me feel terrible in the morning. Eating nuts makes me feel unbalanced in body and soul.
A beautiful day today, cold and clear and bright. A nice afternoon walk, present and aware. A connection with Amy, sharing our backgrounds and receiving feedback after. She is a smart lady, for all her rule following ;)
A vivid dream last night, about birthing a baby and caring for it. Robbie, a beautiful baby. Breastfed and felt it, can remember the feeling. Laughed about it at lunch, then laughed again at the "Congratulations Happy Birthday" card on my desk, good wishes for "Robbie".
I am going to do a little bit of writing work, then go to sleep. The energy from the food is keeping my heavy eyelids open, so I might as well use this time for good. Grateful for friends, to lean on, to learn from (talks with T), to laugh with. I pray for the strength to grow compassion and humility. I pray for the courage to listen to the inner, guiding voice inside me. Please, I pray for strength and courage to walk through my fears, and for faith to put my trust in a higher power, that has a plan, that has a purpose, for me. There is a plan, there is a purpose. I pray for clarity, for focus, for the strength to carry on with that awareness, to feel my feelings through, happy and sad. Grateful for a warm bed.