Wednesday, December 30, 2009

9:58 dining room

a wednesday that feels like the birthing of a thursday and friday combined. tired. felt like my brain was very overstimulated when I got home. from the day, not from arriving at home. social with mum and jerry over soup, then with aubrey and katie as they ate dinner. ate through some youtube videos. tired. last two days have been well, beautiful skies today, all throughout. almost a full moon, shining brightly. blue tomorrow, the first in 20 years on a new year's eve. An eve. Of a new year. A day. Like any other. Its all the significance we attach to it. What if every day were as anticipated, as celebrated, as January 1st (or similarities across other religions and calenders). Though, in actuality, I associate J.1 with a hangover. Not the best way to ring in a fresh start. Tomorrow, I plan on having a good time, but not getting drunk. It doesn't get me anywhere.
Everyone upstairs now, sleeping or reading or watching videos. The dishwasher is aggressively loud, the clock by the front door ticks authoritatively. My abdomen is uncomfortable, clenching with cramps and rumbling grumpily. My head is aware, but weighted, my spirit is silent, emptily so.
But I am here, and I do not let go. Of the moment. Addressed some letters for Amnesty Int'l, but felt hubris not humility. Christmas decorations are slowly being withdrawn into boxes for the basement and attic. Fluffy farts escape sporadically. A scarf curls on the cotton tablecloth, wound like a cat. Our cats are having territorial disputes, Nina the elder being accosted by Rosie the younger. The air is cool, the moisture is gathering, falling wet here, falling snow on the mountains. A blessing. Friends are blessings. I am starting to overthink C, but its very nice to be able to lean backward from the obsessing and negativity, and laugh at it, even if I am not yet strong enough to halt it. A nice tea and chat with E yesterday. An endearing friend. I wish, just a little, in this instant, for the dream of being elderly in a big house with cats. and sunlight, and books. on the ocean. on a rise.
tomorrow is the ending of one year, the start of a new. but i feel the start of my journey happened a while ago. the awakening of my dormant spirit to the senses of the earth and universe. i feel like the universe is too big a concept for me right now, but focusing on the earth feels very right. tomorrow is another day and the day after it will be another day. and i will celebrate them just like the day after that.
grateful for imagination and dreams. i pray for the strength to grow compassion and courage to grow humility. grateful for love. and simple things.

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