Tuesday, December 22, 2009

11:29 bedroom

head as chock full of thoughts and images (wonder where that phrase comes from) tonight as it was cloudy during the day. to match the sky. feeling tired. but a good tired from a full day. feeling uncertain, even as im typing. not sure the words i should put down. let it flow now, stream of consciousness. E. thinking about the two boys, how its old habit to make my day center around them. plans with. thoughts of plans with. thoughts of. i want to be free of obsessive thinking. a place of clear focus, where the moment is what matters. my slightly dry fingertips tapping and rubbing the keyboard keys. i think i have written something like that before. the rough cotton, kimono like faded pink robe warm against my skin. my damp hair cool against my scalp. my feet pressing hard against the thin scratchy rug covering the concrete floor. tongue moist against dry chapped lips. ear tickled from droplets of water left over from my shower. responsible for my existence. this is what i am. more important than my surroundings and what i have, is who i am. here to breath and take each moment for what its worth. precious life. what does life ask of me? in each instance? i try to listen. i feel the guidance. some part of me still holds back. but most of me now relishes the feeling...of knowing. not my knowing, but some greater wisdom, some greater force, higher powers...leading me somewhere, to and on a road I know not where it leads. but I will follow the silent voice. blinking cursor. wondering if words will appear. well, they will if i put action forth. woke up to raskal barking, for once a blessing, because I had set my alarm for p.m. and slept past my normal waking hour. a little late to work, but nothing serious today, again. a better day with the laid-back-ness, a wonderfully thoughtful gift from susan for everyone in our department. computer meandering. long walk with katie, chatting about boys and life. more computer meandering. meet up with ruthie at a coffee shop, long and gratifying discussion about our present mindsets. home to a cup of tea, a made dinner, and a slow eating of it while watching a Merlin episode with L. stopped mid bites because mum would come in and sit on the edge of the armchair i was curled in. an overwhelming anxiety would wash over me. but i simply put down the fork and paid more attention to the movie, forcing calmness (versus freaking out at her for no reason). Helped. I ate a few more things after, but I stopped. And I think the slow, present dinner made the difference. I could feel at the end, the compulsion to finish it take over- finishing it because it was food and it was in front of me. But I stopped! I stopped. And Im grateful for the grace and present thought that helped me through the undesirable twinge to eat more. Exercise, stretch and shower. Tired. feel a bit stuffy.
Yesterday- made dinner for C, a recipe I would like to attempt again for progress sake. Hair and Zoolander and an intense make out and sex session. A lovely reclining after, finishing the movie, then sharing. Telling him about my stone house, images of it clarifying as I talked. Earlier at dinner, I couldn't shut up, a right 'chatty cathy'.
grateful for pause. for weighted waiting. for the sigh of relief you feel at the end of it. grateful for plumbing. grateful for sleep.

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