Tuesday, December 15, 2009

11:45...12:35 bedroom

I just wrote a very long blog post and accidently went back to the previous page, leaving the words to the mysterious nothingness of lost web space.
it is a shame, but i felt getting the words out helped anyway.
to recap:
a long day. frustrated, going through the motions, disconnected from myself. a long day dream about a battle with a large monster in dark armour that splits open to a figure in blinding white light with two swords who pierces me in the chest as she says "I am choice". Then points to two doorways, one shrouded in fog, "uncertainty" the other dark, set in stone, which i know leads to an empty blackness "you know leads to knowhere". A serious binge, talk with friends and family, exercise, more talking, shower, reading.
Ask not what you expect out of life, but what life expects out of you. Let go of the naievety of life's meaning having a finite purpose, an aim to which I can move towards. Instead, each moment has a purpose, a reason, a right action for me to take. Only I can live my joy, my suffering. Only I can be a sister, a daughter, a lover, a friend to those I know. Only I can do the work that I can do. My purpose is in living each moment, asking what life needs of me.
I feel i need to write, and hope that someday I my thoughts and ideas will spill from my pen in a coherence that allows others to connect and reflect and continue with what I have shaped. Grateful for family and friends to talk to and share with, for the annonymity of the web and its possibility of connecting with strangers who I will never meet, never know. grateful for a sense of humour and acceptance that the past is the past. Still need to move through my past some more, but that will come as I take action.
Hilarious. All that typing. Good practice I guess.
I pray to Love myself.

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