breath. in my room, my own little space, my own little world. surrounded by smiling faces and memories and color and pattern and texture, smooth and rough and soft and hard and scratchy. over ate tonight, felt the itch during meeting, and on the way home. which, now I know, whenever I get the itch, unless I take every possible means to move through it, it will not pass. or i will not pass past it. call someone, wait and talk to a higher power, reach out to a guiding spirit, reach in to myself and my inner self, have a cup of tea, jump in the shower. the itch cannot be stopped, it must be moved. i must move through it. feel saddened but it has happened and it is done. the moment is now and i am me and i am worthy and beautiful and i like myself just the way i am. good commentary and thoughts tonight in meeting. a great share, so fluid a story and so chock full of truth and honesty and good ideas. B had a great share too, a smart phrase, cant remember exactly what she said now. Surrender. Surrendering to the truth. The truth of the illness, that it is a disease that I will have for the rest of my life. But a disease that I do not have to suffer from. One I can learn from and use for my spirit to grow brighter than ever before. I feel present, but blocked from my soul. My emotions are here, but I can't really name them, or their source. The Steps are calling my name, Step Four is waiting on my doorstep, patiently, but with an unwavering stare.
the past, my past, is coming back, picture by picture, memory by memory, page by page of old journals. it surrounds me, beckoning me in, to search it, to leaf through it, to find meaning in it, to find answers. its alive, breaths and whispers filling the air, gently pressing against me, pushing me...to open up, and to seek what i would find. answers.
stretching, breathing, calming, being. so present, its hard for me to remember the day. gray, drizzly, more busy than usual, the start of secret santa; tea and a granola bar on my desk. grocery shopping for gifts and searching for poems for K. amusing, entertaining, fun :) tyring to please someone else, truly please them, find something that they find solace and meaning in. fruit and vegetables for nourishment, a poem for thinking.
grateful for a laptop. grateful for an inviting bed. grateful for tape. grateful for OA. I pray for the strength to cultivate my honesty and empathy and compassion. im feeling strange difficulties with S. I think its because I feel like I should be doing the work she is, but she is accepting it, so I let her have it. Feeling all the while that it is my load.
Trust the universe. Pray for Love. Nurture love inside.