Sunday, December 27, 2009

11:31 bedroom

its been a few days. a wonderful christmas weekend. skiing on the eve, warmed by a gas fire as I waited for Luke to finish a few last runs. A stunning day, a quietly beautiful dusk, in the mountains. bright orange sunset on the drive home, almost apocalyptic. a very bad sleep that night, negative anxiety running rampant in my head. turns out L and A didn't sleep very well either, strange. Great present explosion, with Sue and Casey joining us. Clean up and go meet C for Sherlock homes, an embrace full of joy and gratitude. bob tail on my santa hat bouncing on my head, i almost ran into the car ahead of me, as it slowed down for a fire engine that had stopped for a car run off the side of the road, on the way to the movie theater. a delicious dinner, with C's blueberry pie. Origin and Blurt, new from the morning, brought lots of laughs. I was exhausted, sitting by the fire in my new tartan dress, and rolling around on the floor, trying out various reclining positions. Up late with C, no sex, but a violent orgasmic experience nonetheless. Good boxing day, walk in the woods, jump on the tramp, start to tidy the room, then go to meet C for sushi and Avatar IMAX. 2nd row, too close for some scenes, but still awesome. Back to his place and sleep. Sewing this morning, him sewing, me watching, though I did do a button on a shirt dress. Short trot around Goodwill then part ways. Feeling anxious today, but in a different manner. Left C with good terms, we had spent a lot of time together this weekend, but I had residual clingyness, and starting to feel twinges of jealousy again when he mentions other girls. Which i really really dislike, the twinges. Give it up; i get back more when I give more. just like xmas texts ;) home to an empty house, okay at first. heated up a tupperware bowl of leftovers then went to sit outside on the deck. a very strange afternoon light. warm but cool. too bright for this time of year. felt like i was in a bubble. the trees against the sky...colors I hadn't experienced since I was shrooming. slow slow eating. describing the texture and flavour in my mind, like i was an alien creature come to earth, and experiencing it for the first time. back inside, and restless boredom. played a bit of Prince of Persia, but while eating many gingerbread cookies. plus. started making paper airplanes, went for a quick rush through the woods, and a short rest in the clearing, until I heard the car door slam. ran back inside to finish the paper airplanes and chat with mum. various puttering until leave at 6 to meet the girls. gas and recycling and good dinner at B&O with all of us together, an veritable rarity. okay discussion and chatter, drop katie off, head home. rest for a moment, texting, then head inside and go for food. a veritable binge. but i really wanted it and let myself have it. now, i wish i hadn't, but at the same time i can feel the shadow of anxiety and restlessness of not binging. tired. tomorrow is another day. i like readying myself in advance. it feels great to not rush about so much when im leaving for something, an event, a meeting. my skin feels very soft today, the tips of my fingers, my arms and thighs. grateful for a warm strong house. for warm strong friendships. for a warm, strong family. for a warm, strong lover friend. for a warm, strong forgiveness. for a warm, strong loving higher power and mother earth. grateful for a guiding spirit, that guides me when i listen. merry christmas, peace and serenity and love grown, among earth's creatures and beings.

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